<BR>Hi all,<P>first time here. Heard lots of good things about this forum.<P>I want a divorce. We talked about it last night and slept in seperate rooms. She doesnt want it. I was hoping someone could share their similar ideas so I know what to expect, what to do, what not to do. Bottom line is, Im very softhearted and its really hard for me to see her crying etc. I am afraid I may back out seeing her like this. How do I cope with her tears? How do I convince her we are not good together? Whats next? What happens when 1 wants it and the other doesnt?<P>thanks for listening<P>M<P>

Why do you want a divorce?<P>AGG

M,<P>I don't think I'm going to tell you what you want to hear. But I do feel that I must say something:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SoftHearted:<BR><B>I want a divorce. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Same question as AGG -- Why?<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We talked about it last night and slept in seperate rooms. She doesn't want it. I was hoping someone could share their similar ideas so I know what to expect, what to do, what not to do. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think most of us are over here because we don't want to be divorced. For others, it seems that divorce is an action of last resort -- they don't want to be doing it, but they've tried everything else and simply can't tolerate anymore.<P>My first advice would be to step back and reconsider the entire situation, maybe talk about it with someone who is impartial. Have you really and truly done everything possible to try to heal your marriage? Marital counselling, Marriage Encounters, Retrouville, individual counselling, Plan A? If you haven't done these things, then it may be too early to jump to divorce.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Bottom line is, I'm very softhearted and its really hard for me to see her crying etc. I am afraid I may back out seeing her like this. How do I cope with her tears? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Feeling a bit of guilt?<BR>Why?<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How do I convince her we are not good together?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why do you say this? Why do you want the divorce?<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Whats next? What happens when 1 wants it and the other doesn't?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think it depends on the state that you're in and the type of marriage that you have (some states now have Covenant marriages). Some states have quick, no-fault divorces. Others take longer. Some may require that you go through counselling or mediation. You may or may not need an attorney. It all depends on where you live.<P>But I can assure you, it's no fun to be on the receiving end of a divorce and not wanting it. It's insulting when the person says that they'll go to counselling, but they won't even try to work on the marriage......when they do it just for show or just for the courts.<P>Your spouse isn't going to agree with the idea of a divorce unless you can convince them beyond a doubt that it is what is good for the both of you. A mutual divorce, be it amicable or hostile.<P>~Amy

cause we fight all the time, we dont spend ANY time doing anything together anymore (cause if we do, we end up fighting) and cause she runs our lives for us. Its happening now, after 3 years cause we're both at a point where we want kids but I cant have em with her the way our lives are right now.<P>And we've tried enough now, cant wait any longer!<P>M

<P>Go to counseling, and some type of marriage encounter weekend, do everything you can possibly do before you divorce. After you have made every possible effort to save your marriage if it doesn't work, then divorce if you choose. What have you got to loose, it takes stronger people to ask for help than it does to be weak and live in pain.<P>

If the problem is truly what you describe (i.e. there are no "other people" involved), then you have a great opportunity to fix your marriage and make it everything you always wanted.<P>Have you read all the info on Harley's Basic Concepts (Emotional Needs, LoveBusters, etc)? I'll bet you'll quickly see how easily you can fix your marriage if only you put your Taker back in his cage, and bring forth your Giver.<P>It doesn't take much to stop the fighting, but you need to understand what's causing the fighting. Then, if you stop your contribution to the destructive pattern, the situation will change. Your wife can't fight with you if you refuse to get into a fight. Sort of like you can't clap with only one hand.<P>So, why not have a read around this site, and once you identify the specific causes for your fighting (chores, sex, money, etc), come back and post more info. Also, go to the Emotional Needs Forum, since that's where the issues that cause fighting are typically discussed.<P>I think you really have a great chance at saving your marriage; most of us here would be happier than pigs in **** to be in that situation.<P>AGG

Hi Softhearted,<P> Call me cynical but I'm not buying your story.....who's waiting in the wings? LU

Move on if you must - but I think you might want to step back a bit & consider this: Are you running to something or Away from something? Where are you going, to find the new love of your life, or maybe back to where true love once lived? If you are being entirely honest then it would help you to learn from "Your Mistakes" so at the very least you do not repeat them - or let me guess your W is the Entire problem & you are completely innocent! <P>Are you talking to other people male or female for support & maybe getting some bad advice from those who would profit from your divorce or are divorced themselves? Are you in any way religous as in do you know Gods opinion on divorce: He hates it! <P>Listen softhearted your sign-on tells me you may be a really nice guy in a bad situation right now - someone will post a welcome message with links to many of the resourses on this sight. Be patient as right now if you the one who wants out, & decides to try again you are in the right place to reconnect in ways you never dreamed possible. You loved her once now you can learn to live the dream of "Happy Ever After" & right here & now is a good start.<P>Good Luck to You & Your Lovely Wife,<BR>God Bless,<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>StarCrossed

Yes, you picked the WRONG WEBSITE, not just the wrong forum. Your post leaves me with the impression that you both think this is some sort of surface skimming operation rather than a marriage. Don't get me wrong, marriages fail for all knids of reasons, but you seem undercommitted, and well, maybe a little selfish. Why did you marry in the first place? You are considering reproducing with this woman, and yet...? Have YOU tried doing any 180s, or breaking negative patterns of interaction? Does it occur to you that you can change things by changing you? Or that there is some self-sacrifice in a relationship? Is she THAT inept as a person/wife? C'mon...get at the table, my friend...or go away, but do it NOW. Sorry if I ticked you off, but imagine what God thinks about this. Jesus doubted himself ONCE. Then, he let his own people torture and kill him. I'm not asking you to do that, but THAT'S WHAT AGAPE LOVE IS ALL ABOUT. You would not come here if you didn't want a kick in the head...well, here it is. If you still feel that way, maybe you should not be married, but...if not, then don't make half an effort, pat yourself on the back, then kick her to the curb. She deserves better than that. You deserve better than that.