I am 26 and have been married for 21/2 years. I have read your<br>book Love & Marriage as well as others. Browsed the Internet, etc.<br>Not too long after we married I became disinterested in sex. Or <br>at that time I should say "low Sex Drive". The last several months<br>I have had NO sex drive. I could care a less. Passionate kisses don't<br>really interest me either. I do not find other men attractive. And have no<br>interest or desire for an affair. I do not have childhood problems with<br>this topic. I love my husband very much. I don't know what my<br>problem is. When I was younger I had care free relationships,<br>had sex when I wanted to, and would get excited if I saw <br>a good looking man. Today, I am numb. I have no feeling (physically and<br>mentally). I know my husband is frustrated. I am even frustrated.<br>What happened to me? I need advise as to what<br>step to take.<p>

Is there nothing you can attribute it to? Really? Do you ever "pleasure yourself"? Maybe your life is too hectic and you need a break.<p>Is it possible that you don't want kids? I can see (firsthand) how that would hamper sex drive at a very deep level.<p>Maybe you just don't like sex. Do you feel that you used sex to get married and now you don't need to do it anymore?<p>They say that the more sex you have the more you need. Conversely the less you have, the less you need.<p>Try to find the root of the issue. Nobody knows but you ... you're going to have to find out what it is.<p>BTW, Since I'm on the recieving, or should I say nonrecieving, end of your type of situation let me ask ...<br>What do you expect from your husband during these times? How would you react to finding out he had an affair? I haven't had one but I've had the urge.

If find an answer you'll be nominated for a Noble Prize. My wife has had the same problem and one attempt at helping the situation that repeatedly turns up is the sex everyday for one week. Harley suggests it as well as Redbook. Harley's approach tends to be a little more directed at the man's view of sex in the marriage and how to increase your wifes drive to meet your "Sexual Fulfillment need" while the Redbook article (about two months ago) approached it from the female perspective. I like the Redbook article because it showed the woman's "step of faith". I think she said "What the heck, I'll try anything once." After a few days she found her own sex drive increasing. Harley states that during the same week the male sex drive will probably go down.<br>It seems so simple but if it solves the problem who cares.

Reply to 40 SMALE<p>I must say you brought some good<br>questions that I never asked myself.<p>Yes my life (ours) is hectic. Since we<br>were dating/engaged I have moved<br>4 times. Twice before marriage and<br>twice since marriage. We live in a<br>new state. And it has tough to adjust.<br>I get a minimum of 6 hours of sleep.<br>I work 50-60 hours a week, I am <br>working on finishing my degree. I<br>consider my husband high maintainance.<br>I have no energy once I get home from<br>work. We have had no vacation since<br>our honeymoon. And yes, I agree,<br>I need a vacation, however, finances<br>do not allow this at this time.<p>I do not want kids at this time. Probably<br>not for awhile. And he is fine with this.<br>I am in a "Career" depression. I want<br>do something different while I am still<br>young. The career that I want to pursue<br>takes time, money and no kids.<p>Your question "sex to get married" <br>I do not know what to think of this.<br>I could be possible!! I have to think<br>about this.<p>I expect my husband to be caring,<br>patient and to help out a little.<p>I would be..... very hurt if my<br>husband had an affair. However,<br>if he was to tell me that he slept<br>with a prostitute I would not<br>be as upset. But if he was<br>emotionally as well as sexually<br>involved with someone else I would <br>probably "Go into a hole" and never<br>come out.<p><p>[This message has been edited by Riveria (edited 03-03-99).]

You don't have to answer these questions here. I'm not trying to be confrontational, just to find out if you've thought about these things. It's only important that you come to terms with these kinds of issues on your own.<p>If you feel that you have some issue like equating sex with just something to get married (what you mentioned as a question), just spend some time thinking about it. You're smart. Explore it and determine if it's valid. <p>When you do, hopefully, you'll come to find that sex is a human need, much like touch. There is no shame in sex for sex' sake. If/when you reach this level , maybe it's time to think about finding your own sexual identity ... create fantasies for you ... your likes, dislikes,etc. By that time you'll be well on your way with your husband. You've got to find the the thoughts that are creating your problem first, though.<p>In regards to your schedule ... It sounds like you might be headed for a burn out. You're working 50-60 hrs a week ... and working on a degree at the same time???? You wouldn't work for MS would you? Ha Ha Seriously though, you've got to have time to recharge and get away from the "gotta do" mentality for at least a day every two weeks (bare minimum).<p>Get out and go hiking for a day, or to the gym, or just for a long walk somewhere. Try not to do something passive (movies, etc). Be active but at your own pace, and don't choose something competitive. You usually cannot get rid of stress in a competitive situation. It might be helpful to get connected to your new area too. Some people just cannot feel comfortable in an environment they don't know.

If you truly love your husband and there are no kids...do him the ultimate favor and free him! You can still love him in the manner that you prefer even unmarried. I am a Christian, however I note that the only portion of a "love" relationship that requires marriage is sex...therefore, no sex, no need to remain married. You can even sleep in the same bed righteously as long as sex does not occur.

If you truly love your husband and there are no kids...do him the ultimate favor and free him! You can still love him in the manner that you prefer even unmarried. I am a Christian, however I note that the only portion of a "love" relationship that requires marriage is sex...therefore, no sex, no need to remain married. You can even sleep in the same bed righteously as long as sex does not occur.

riveria, i can't believe what punter posted. that's one of the problems i have with so many of the religiou zealots. if it's at all mentioned in the bible, well there's your answer. imho, if you love your h, and you once had good sex, you have a lot to work with. you may have a hormone problem. you're probably too young for that but who knows. talk to your dr., especially if your dr. is a female. don't forget the viagra. ask your dr. for a scrip. i'm a firm believer in better living through chemistry. you may be depressed, ask your dr. for one of the new antidepressants, that could be a real possibility. but actually i suspect you have somekind of mental thing going on. nothing too serious but one a sex therapist could certainly resolve. think about it, these things were meant to work. something is just a little off. do something about and start living again. good luck and keep us posted. i'm on your side.

Trust me Frankie, I'm far from a religious zealot. I would want nothing more than for Riviera to have a happy and fulfilling life. Some people do not require sexual satisfaction to attain this! If they do not, I think that it is wonderful and quite an advantage over those of us who do. I wish that my wife would have let me go prior to children being born. Sex is not something that she finds important. She's not happy because she knows that I am far from fulfilled and I am unhappy both for that reason and that she feels limited by being tied to marriage. I'm not much into this idea of chemically altering moods or sex drive (otherwise I'd be dumping Viagra into my wife's food), I believe that we are made specifically to God's glory and not everyone is made to glorify in the same manner. Not everyone is made to be in a husband and wife relationship. WE create the idea that if someone is unmarried they are somehow inferior! That is garbage! Sorry if any offense was taken Riviera....I can see how my statement may have been construed as mean-spirited, but in reality it was not intended so.

Riveria,<p>There are plenty of biological reasons for you feeling the way that you do. You could be suffering from depression, or low hormone levels (such as testosterone).<p>These conditions can be treated. I'd suggest that you see your doctor and discuss this in detail. That would be my first suggestion. This sounds more like a medical condition than a manisfestation of emotional trauma.

I am going to be 41 next month. I have 3 kids, one which is phsyically disabled. I do not like sex, either. I love my husband. I'm just not romantically attracted to him. He's a good provider, especially financially. He wants to meet my needs. He just doesn't.<br>He's not abusive, although he is a bit brazen, with the kids. I say it's his lack of patience, as he isn't alone with them much. He's not a drunk, and he doesn't cheat. He's really a prize. I appreciate that. I just don't like sex. I liked childbirth, even less. He recently retired from the Air Force. He works a different shift now, in a civilian world. He has not cut his hair, since Nov. and he's now grown this scaggly beard. He used to take pride in his looks. I don't find him attractive any more. It seems the things I found attractive to him when we first got together, aren't here. <br> My life with the children has remained constant for the last 12 years. Now he expects me to change our routine to accomodate him. The kids still get home at 3:45. I have errands to run in the morning and now with a new job(I used to have a paper route), I'll have to do my shopping on the w/ends.<br> He literally takes everything said, badly and puts words in my mouth. He only hears what he wants to hear, interprets what he hears as he wants. Mostly negatively. Everything has a sexual overtone. The more he pushes me the less I want it. I really probably could go the rest of my life w/out it. I work, I keep a home, I'm a mother of 3, one as I said is disabled. I have alot of responsibility, in Civil Matters as well. I do alot of volunteer work for my home town. I'm tired. I just don't care about love or sex any more. What do you think?

Cbeth39 ...<br>Your husband is most likely sexually frustrated. You might be too, though that is more debatable.<br>His appearance ... he probably figures "why bother?" or he might be doing it to get back at you.<br>His sexual overtones ... speaks for itself.<br>His general disatisfaction and demanding nature ... just more signs that he's not happy, either.<br>It sounds like you're closer to losing your marriage than you think ... only you can tell for sure, but I would be spending some time thinking about it and maybe confronting him about it.

I've been through two marriages with two men that were opposites and have found that sex can be a very important issue that sometimes is over looked in a marriage.I to became very tired in my first marraige with two small children and a job.h didn't seem interested and never really required it. However I found out later that stripers were entertaining him and had been for a long time without my knowledge. I'm sure there were more than stripers that I never heard about.<br>The second marriage was very educational for me. My h loved sex, needed sex, and required sex. It was true for me. The more you do it, the more you want it.I never knew sex could be so enjoyable until he helped me. Also I realized the fear of pregancy was something that hurt my first marriage. When I had myself altered at 35 I found a whole new attitude about sex came over me.<br>I found that just because a man does require or demand sex doesn't mean your h doesn't need sex. Remember man are different from women. Their needs are different from our needs.I don't know what to think about both husband and wife being happy without sex.<br>

Hi 40smale. I agree. He probably is frustrated. I can't help that. I just don't want any. His appearance is the way it is, because he says, he's free to grow a beard, now. He's a civilian. I don't like the growth. He sits and strokes it almost like a pet. I asked him to get it styled many times. He just doesn't. He doesn't do much. I resent that he just sleeps all morning. He's always seemed to need a lot of sleep. 10-12 hours a day. I get 3 if I'm lucky. The 3 hours I get, I want to sleep, not have sex. I'm up at 2AM each day. I go to deliver papers from 3AM until I'm done. I come home and proceed to get my children ready for school. BY then it's 9. By 10, I'm gone doing megathings, getting back home after lunch. My husband will still be sleeping. He's been there since 1 AM. He'll then get up and leave for work. He does take out the trash on Tuesday, and he cooks the turkey on holidays.

denise_1, Hi! This is my 2nd marriage too. My 1st one was extremely violent. He almost killed me many times (including 3 miscarriages). The husband I have now, knew what I was bringing along and makes a point not to be like husband #1.I think if the kids were not part of the picture our sex life wouldn't even be up for conversation. But they are and they will be for many years.I have an extra special relationship with my son, and he doesn't like it. The kids are #1 in my life he is #4. At least he's in the top 10.