X<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited May 30, 2001).]

cantletgo,<P>There is no competing. Don't even try. All you do is enable your H. 2 women fighting over him - he'll be in heaven!! He is your H, and she is nothing. Hold your head high.<P>Read everything you can on Plan A. Become the best you that you can be. In the end, wether or not he comes back to you, you will be a far better, far emotionally healthier person.<P>(((((((hugs)))))))

cantletgo,<P>BR is right you can't compete especially when H is so deep into the affair fog. <P>Have you read books on affairs and like BR said Plan A info. It is really important that you do! It will help you understand your H mindset and how to better deal with it.<P>This is the worst and most trying time but it is also when you must be at your strongest, for you!!!<P>

Thanks. I need hugs. I have no family other than H and few friends. They are deceased. <BR>I will have to post the narrative story of Ugly the Cat here. Its a tearjerker about love. But its how many of us here likely feel. I am very upset right now. <p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited May 30, 2001).]

You can't compete. I would never consider changing myself just to win back my STBX. Certainly I'd never consider emulating her new ideal in a man (I could never master the trashy Virginia hick accent anyway ).<P>You should only change to please yourself right now. No one will like you if you don't like yourself first. Hit the gym. Go out every day as though you're going to meet Mr. Right. Work on you, for <B>YOU</B>. If you turn out to be more attractive than her & he wants to come back, fine. If not, somebody else will surely notice. Pick something diferent than the OW does in the gym. If she's a cardio freak, head over to the free weights. Ask for a spot. Who knows? <P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

I'm sorry that I'm so needy right now. I cant even figure out what I want for myself. I feel paralyzed from all this, and desperately lonely. But I would never seek the affections of another man. I havent felt like eating in 2 weeks. My performance on my job is zilch. Luckily I think I scraped by ok on my final exams (PT evening college student). I feel like my life is running away from me in front of my eyes. <P>When there was talk of a theme song from Ally McBeal I remember thinking the theme from the movie Shirley Valentine. The song was "The girl who used to be me". <BR>We have stuggled for so long to feel financially stable that all my life has been working a menial clerical job for YEARS. I cant even find anything good to even think about myself anymore & don't remember who I used to be. Social & fun loving was in there somewhere. But I want to do things with the H like we used to. Dang it. I know it will never be the same there either. Maybe I should go for a radical hairdo!! <p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited June 04, 2001).]

Ok, cantletgo - you are a woman, and I'm gonna talk some girl talk atcha.<P>Every single one of us of the feminine persuasion has played mind games...that's just what we do.<P>That's exactly what OW is doing to you. I'm sure she is as much aware of your presence and whereabouts in the building as you are of hers....and trust me, she's probably feeling a tad threatened...because you ARE the wife. All that laughing and shakin her tush? That is for your benefit. She has gone to war against you sweetie - don't let her win. Now, I'm not talking about fighting with her over your H. You can't and shouldn't try to compete. You need to be you. But you shouldn't be allowing her to make you slink around the office building feeling like nothing!<P>Now, go into your closet, look under the bed, where ever you stashed it, and get out your spine. Dust it off and put it on!!!<P>YOU are the wife. Remember that with how you walk, talk and act around the office. I don't mean cling to your H and flirt and be stupid. I mean hold your head high, meet her gaze if she looks at you, and don't let her see you sweat for even a second. When you see her prancing after your H, swinging her tush, look her in the eye calmly...raise an eyebrow ... make sure it's clear that you are far above that kind of behavior.<P>Will it get your H back? Nope. But you might feel a little better afterwards, knowing that you have held onto your dignity.<P>As to the gym - its up to you. What can you handle emotionally? If he's agreeable and you can stand it, do what nick said - go along, and do something different. <P>Always remember, YOU are the wife. She isn't. You have the right to be there, to talk to your husband, to act like his spouse. She's nothing, and not worthy of your attention.<P>Who knows, maybe my advice is way off base. I'm sure someone here who is wiser and smarter than I will speak up if I am. <P>But regardless, keep your head and chin up, and your dignity in place!!<P>((((hugs)))))

Cantletgo,<P>We have all been were you are. The emotions really suck right now. <P>You may want to think about getting some antidepressants. You are most likely suffering from situational depression. It will really help you deal with all of this. Almost everyone here goes through the Divorce Diet. Dramatic weight loss is not uncommon but continuing to not eat will really bring you down. You need to remain healthy to deal with all of this lovely cr@p your H is handing you.<P>STBX stands for soon to be ex.<P>Sorry this is so disjointed and short but I gotta run.<P>Take care.<P>

Hi Cantletgo,<P>Do you want to compete? I didn't. I don't need to. We are in 2 different status' in life. I am the wife and OW is the OW. No competing required. <P>Now there are those who want to 'pretend' to be the W. Play House??? Like a Volkswagen pretending to be a Mercedes. Might be appealing at first but the Mercedes is in a different class. Cost more to maintain, holds its value better and longer. Lasts a longtime (or so the commercials want you to think). <P>Ok, now that you know you are worth more, why bother worrying about someone trying to compete with you? We need to rebuild your self esteem back to where it should be. If you feel you need to do something to improve yourself image, then go ahead. You need to be happy with yourself when you look in the mirror. That infidelity diet works wonders. I lost 20 + lbs and wow, look better than before my child was born..... I don't recommend the diet unless you have no other option.<P>In time you will be able to consider the OW just as she is, the OW. Someone who has no respect for self, H or anyone. A family wrecker. Watch out for your anger because to the OW's H, your H is doing the same. <P>Find out when you want to step off that rollercoaster. This is when you begin to concentrate on taking care of yourself and your families needs ahead of your h's and sometimes that comes when you are ready for plan b. There may be various opinions on this subject. Plan b is when you need to protect the your needs. It does not mean that you no longer care for your H, it just means you need to give time and attention to things you can control in your life that affect you. <P>It took a while for me (about 4 months) but I finally got there. H waffled the whole time. The 5th month for me was stronger and I started to make changes. I backslided a bit and the nice folks here kept me going. It was hard but for us, H is home in recovery. For now. Remember he can go out again. But I am strong enough to take it either way. That is what I have learned here. Maybe you can learn this quicker than I did. I hope so. I hope your H is not a indecisive or stubborn.<P>Just my thoughts. Have you reviewed the info in this site?<BR>Some good stuff here. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

Cantletgo,<P>I know how hard it is. I don't want to let my wife go, either. All I can tell is that after trying so hard for so long to make things rights, that sometimes you have to decide to stop. <P>This is not the same as giving up. You can still want to work it out, but you have to look at what you have been doing. Trying everything in the world hasn't helped you.<BR>It is something to think about. I don't like this idea anymore than you do, but you have to start thinking about yourself sometime. You just have to figure out your definition of stop. Just don't have any expectations...it may not work. If you haven't already gotten marriage counseling, I would encourage it whole hardily. <P>Keep losing weight! I have lost 40lbs since I have started and it makes me feel good about myself.<P>I know this is hard. Just know someone else is praying for you and I hope you will do the same for me.<P>One other thing that I have discovered is that sometimes the things you want to do are the things you can't do and the things you can do are the things you don't want to do.<BR>Which is difficult. You may have to decide if you are ready to do the things you can do, even if you don't want to do them.<P>Good Luck! Chase

Dear cant- I can really relate to your story. Found out on valentines day that H was having a very involved affair with a coworker. She is the total opposite of me --agressive, tall, muscular(Ick!)still single in her mid thirties and DESPERATE to get married. She had been doing US little favors right from when H and I moved here a year ago for his job transfer.Lent us blankets when we moved into our new home and the movers hadnt come, gave us coupons, hilited the drivers manual for me to take the test, had our kids over to her condo to bake cookies, I thought she was our mutual friend. That makes her plan to get H to divorce me and go to her ALL THE MORE AWFUL! H even filed on me a month ago and we went to counseling that very night where he confessed that OW made him do it! ( He cancelled the papers the next day). He told the therapist that he liked how she kept her desk and condo so TIDY!!! ( He's a clean freak and we have 3 kids who makes messes all the time!) Go figure! I had to keep from laughing. That is our biggest area of conflict- cleaning!!!! So who KNOWS what her appeal is? Dont feel like you have to totally redo yourself to compete. Just do small things to make YOURSELF feel better every day!lifeismessy

CLG,<P>(((hug))).<P>The sad, frustrating, misery of it all is that you can turn yourself into a pretzle if you want, turn inside out if you want, and still he might just stay with OW. You see, it's about him...not you...you can't compete with a fogged brain.<P>Nick and Bramble are right...you need to do what you can to help YOU cope - work out, avoid the gym, glare at her, avoid her...whatever...but for now, focus on just getting throught the day with the least amount of pain as possible. My ex's OW went to my gym too - still does - I changed the time of day I went there for a while because it just stirred up so much anger and resentment in me. Now, I can go when I want...she avoids me for the most part. Does it still hurt to see him with her? Not really. It makes my skin crawl to think of her around my kids though...probably always will.<P>There's a lot of wise people on this board...take their advice. It helped me tons.<P>Lisa

Can'tLetGo,<P>Many of us didn't know who our competitor was until it was too late. When I think about it, even if there is no competitor , I have gone about relationships after divorce as IF there were a competitor, because the sad fact is there are women out there who have no morals and would take someone's husband just because they can.<P>I don't think you can compete either. You can be the best person you can be. And be proud of who you are. Keep working out. You can even put music on and work out as you clean to burn calories, there are lots of ways to sneak in extra things that are considered working out even if you don't "go to the gym" to do it.<P>Take some time to work on you. Its not healthy to get too hung up on the OW because if H is in a fog,there really is no way to stand out, and it will enable him.<P>Congrats on losing 20lbs. If weight is something that is a personal issue for you, check with your doctor to get some meds that can help you with your goal. A girlfriend of mine is going to try that new one Meridian. I have no specifics on it, but just saw it on commercials.<P>Take some time for you and maybe he'll take notice to it.<BR>Hugs, Dana

My H (or more likely, STBX) once told me that OW actually asked him how she could compete with ME! I've always firmly believed that I would never compete with her because it would mean I'd have to stoop to her level. Besides, there IS NO contest. She is a cheap imitation, whereas I am 24 carat gold- the real thing!!

Thanks everyone for your responses. The reaching under the bed to find my spine made me laugh. I am not ready to stop wanting us to be willing to come to an agreement & work to rebuild our marriage. It is all so hard. I feel like I am running into a brick wall face first. I need to lose weight inspite of what H thinks. I havent gone out of my way to please him either. But I dont know what his needs are for a plan A?? <p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited May 30, 2001).]

What if the person you are competing with only gave your WS her/his emotional needs. Isn't Plan A'ing competing? I mean, I feel if I had done what my W needed a long time ago WHEN SHE TOLD ME then I would not be in this predicament.<BR> I feel good, because Plan A is going well. We are talking more and doing more together. But she is still shopping for apartments because she says she doesn't want to make another mistake. So yes, I guess I am competing with the OM because I am now attempting to give her what she needs, like he did when I was so negligent.<BR> Sometimes competing makes sense.