I think it's finally happened, my stbx has hit the bottom of the bottom and can't see a top. He wrote a long e-mail to my roommate describing his affair as a fairytale that he invested himself in that's gone bad. That his "muse, his true love and the person that finally completes him" no longer wants him and he's condemmed to "have sorrow and guilt as his only compainions throughout life." <BR> He called me out of the blue last night after a long day of speaking about the business aspects of this divorce and offers me money. He was swearing up and down that he had none but now does. I thanked him and hung up.<BR> I sent him an e-card just out of pity, he must be having a terrible time and he wrote back with a thank you and a smiley. It was as close as I could say to "I love you" without saying it(not sure I would mean it, really.) Usually the kind of thing that he turns away from. Very weird and no, I'm not falling for it. I wonder if his fog is really lifting or if it's just a breif clearing. Either way I think it's too late.

Nduli2,<P>Anyone given to obsessive behavior, alcoholism, addiction, gambling, work, and and even sex from time to time has what are called "windows of sanity". They open from time to time, but unless he makes the step through and gets proper therapy, the windows have a way of slamming shut PDQ. Then he returns to his old pattern of behavior. Don't know for sure if that has anything to do with your situation or not.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nduli2:<BR><B> .....he's condemmed to "have sorrow and guilt as his only compainions throughout life." ..... </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't know if that is a pity pot con or not, but it will do until we find something that is. That line could give self pity a bad name.<P>Bumper<P>

Unfortunately it does in my case. My stbx had a drug problem when we first met; I helped wean him through those first hard couple of years when he quit. But he's always been addictive in everything he does. The affair is just par for the course. I know that he has no one there beside him to help him through this save for his mother who is a very emotionally draining person and he's never been good on his own. I'm sure his life is a very lonely one and seeing me earlier this week couldn't have helped.<BR> He's had these windows of sanity before and usually I'm the one jumping through it; not this time. I'm not offering up any more of myself than that. If he truly needs to talk to me and will not be a jerk about it I'll talk. But any effort comes from him not me; I'm done.<P>*LOL* Bump, he's the worst when it comes to that. I wish I could type out all the self serving BS I've heard through all this.<p>[This message has been edited by Nduli2 (edited May 11, 2001).]

Wasn't this the same guy who just a few days ago told you that this OW was the tingly feeling forever soulmate? Complete with glitter hearts all round the apartment? <BR><B>GAG</B><P>Round and round he goes where he will stop nobody knows!!<BR>When my STBX acts like this I envivion him as the Tasmania Devil whirling round and round and I do my best to stay out of the storm. It gets easier everyday to do just that.<P>I don't think he has hit bottom yet but the speed of his free fall is geeting a little scary for him and he is looking for something to grab to slow his decent. Don't allow yourself to be that something. I think it best for you to just stand back and watch him to continue to fall.<P>Take Care.<P>

Yup, he says one thing, does another, changes his mind, hates me, loves me, "come here", "go away". Is it any wonder I left?<BR> I have a feeling what spurred this on was something that came out in on of our business discussions. He said something to the effect of "is this how you treat someone you love" and I just responded with "what makes you think I still love you? You haven't given me much reason to." I think that hurt and he immediately goes on to tell me he still cares about me and I just responded that "I care about you too as a fellow human being." I'm not being drawn into this again. He goads me into telling him I love him and when I do he throws it back at me. Fine, he doesn't want that he doesn't get it. My e-card was as unromantic as I could find and just a "chin up" sort of thing. Now he seems like he's fishing for more.<BR> He also mentioned to my roommate that the easy thing would be to go back to me now, wouldn't it? Looking for confirmation that what he's doing is the right thing. He didn't get it; my roommate in fact dressed him down and told him all his romantic ideals and all need to be tempered with realism and that he should get help end of story. He's not catching a break at all with anyone lately.

Good for you Nduli2 and good for your roomate too for standing up to him. <P>If I remember correctly you once posted that your STBX was very romantic type and always hated the fact that your were a realist. Add me and my STBX to that club!! Wish one of my STBXs friends would tell him he needs to temper his great romantic notions with some realities. Hey, last time I checked we did actually live in the real world!!

Nduli2 - to quote what someone told me - "Never stand between a man and his self-destruction."<P>Standing there can get you severely hurt in the fallout!

Dear Nduli,<P>Your H sounds like he could be trying to recover but he needs to do this because he wants to come back not because he has been rejected. That was what was hard for my H's crys to come home. Every time OW rejected him or he had a moment of sanity he tried to come home. But it took until, he was out of money, with nowhere to go but OW's home, mom's home, the street or ours along with my saying last chance or take a hike for him to finalize his decision. He said it was his decision to come home. As you know OW has been trying real hard to pull him back. <P>So the fight for him has to be to want to come back to you not you as a 2nd choice. Hon, you are not a 2nd choice, you are #1 and need to be respected and treated as such. Trust me, even with that thought, I am still having a hard time wanting to keep him here. Because the thought is not always put into action. Quite a bit of silent moping around going on at my house. He shows some appreciation but with a very low voice. Looks like he is afraid if he smiles too much he might crack his face??!?!?<P>L.<BR>

The thing is I'm not sure I want him back; I never saw this much of his irrational side before and what if we get back together and down the road it's not only me being left but kids too? Would I be doing myself a disservice going back into what I know is a potentially volitile situation?<BR> I do have some feelings left for him but they are scant and getting harder to find when I think about him. He's said and done so much that I think he's gone past the point of no return. If he shows up asking for second(third, forth, fifth...) chance I can't garuntee I won't just shake and yell "Why now?" at him.<BR> I fought very hard but I think he's taken the fight out of me.