Hi everyone! I was reading some material for my Al-Anon program, and I thought it would be very helpful to us over here too. The following is a article on Detachment, and I've gone through it and taken out references to alcoholism, and replaced it with infidelity.<P>Funny how just changing a few words can make a big difference!!<P>*****************<P><B>Detachment with Love</B><P>We cannot "<I>Live and Let Live</I>" if we do not attend to our own responsibilities instead of focusing on the responsibilities of others. To keep the focus on ourselves, we need to learn to "<B>detach with love</B>".<P>We learn how to cope with the infidelity of those we love and to detach from the behavior, not necessarily the person. Infidelity is a family dysfunction. This means family members are deeply affected, physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially and intellectually, even though they themselves are not unfaithful.<P>The stress of living with active infidelity can have numerous effects:<P><B>Physical</B> - We may develop health problems such as headaches, high blood pressure, stomach aches, ulcers, panic attacks, insomnia, and heart problems.<P><B>Emotional</B> - We may feel angry, resentful, lonely, guilty, or depressed. <P><B>Social</B> - In relating to others, we may be distant, aloof, embarrassed, withfrawn, aggressive, arrogant, self righteous, judgemental, or controlling.<P><B>Intellectual</B> - We may find it difficult to concentrate, make decisions, comprehend what we are hearing and reading.<P><B>Spiritual</B> - Our outlook on life may become bitter, despairing, helpless, hopeless, or lacking in trust or faith. <P>With practice and with support from others we come to understand that detachment from the wayward spouse's problems does not mean that we stop caring about the person. <P>Keys to detaching with love:<P><B>Responsibility</B> - The first key in detaching is to begin taking responsibility for our own behavior. We can no longer stumble through our lives blaming others for the way we feel and holding them accountable for whether we are happy or not. No one can make us feel anything. It is our reactions to the behavior that causes our anger, resentment, pain and disappointment. When we blame others for our own negative reactions, we hand over all our personal power to that person and we loose ourselves.<P><B>Acceptance</B> - Acceptance is the next key. We need to look at the reality of what has happened in the past and what is happening now. Many of us stumble in the beginning over the incorrect thought that acceptance means approval. Acceptance does not mean that we feel ok about current or past circumstances, it only means that we stop trying to change what we have no power over. We have no power over the past or the wayward spouse.<P>Even with acceptance, we need to grieve the losses caused by infidelity in our families and in our lives. Dreams have faded, bubbles have burst. Acceptance gives us two things - acceptance of our feelings and also acceptance of the fact that we cannot change the other person - healing from our loss and disillusion is an inside job. <P><B>The Three C's</B><P>Detaching with love is easier when we remember the three C's - we did not cause the infidelity in another, we cannot control the infidelity or the wayward spouse, we cannot cure the infidelity or the wayward spouse. <P><B>Cause</B> - Infidelity is an addiction. Just as we cannot cause someone to develop diabetes, cancer, or any other disease, we do not have the power to cause anyone else to become addicted. Every addicted person blames others for their addiction and their use - this is their denial and their disease. Accepting that blame becomes our prison.<P><B>Control</B> - Despite our best intentions and efforts, controlling other people does not work. Relationships cannot grow and intimacy cannot develop if one person is controlling the other. We only have control over ourselves and how we respond to situations, other people and their behavior. Trying to control other peoples behavior may temporarily make us feel better and give us an illusion of being in control - but in the long run, it does not work.<P><B>Cure</B> - Only the wayward spouse can seek help for his/her addiction. No matter what we do, the treatment for the addiction is not ours to hand out. <P>Words that stand in the way of detaching….<P>Why…? <BR>What if…? <BR>Yes, but….. <BR>I can't… <BR>I'll try…. <P><BR><B>Why…?</B><P>The main reason most of us ask why is because we believe with a little more knowledge and a few more details, we can "control" the situation and or person. Asking "why" only wastes our energy - it rarely changes anything.<P><B>What if….?</B><P>What if's keep us from living in the reality of the moment and also keep us from admitting we are powerless. When we are in the past with the "whys" and the future with the "what ifs" we loose today. Today is the only day we have. <P><B>Yes, but…..</B><P>When we "yes but…" we are not listening to what others have to say. We are being self centered and self absorbed, and in essence saying we are so unique that what has worked for countless others will not work in our situation. Each time we "yes but" we are cooking up excuses inside our heads and our minds are closed. <P><B>I can't….</B><P>This is our biggest lie to ourselves. The truth is not that we can't, but that we won't. It is where we let fear have control over our lives. <P><B>I'll try…..</B><P>The saying, "to try is to lie" refers to how easily we fall into making excuses. If we say, "I'll try" we lack commitment. "I'll try" allows us to bide our time while looking for an excuse not to do whatever we have said we'll try. <P><B>H.O.W.</B><P><B>HOW do we detach?</B><P><B>H</B> - Honesty with ourselves and others.<P><B>O</B> - Openness to hearing new ideas and breaking old ways of thinking and behaving.<P><B>W</B> - Willingness to take risks and try something different.<P>Detaching with love does not mean that we stop caring. It simply means that we quit trying to control someone else and their behavior. We stop creating comfortable environments for unacceptable behavior. We stop lying to ourselves, we accept the reality of who the person is instead of focusing on who they "could" be.<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Thank you BR. Having a terrible, terrible weekend. Searching for something to make things better. I have to work until 1AM, stay overnight at the hotel I work at and then be back in my restauraunt at 6AM to spend the next 12 hours serving families taking their mommies out for M.Day. H. is playing a gig on one of the islands, won't be home until 4. <P>He says that the fact that he'll be in a club all night with lots of drinking going on won't have any effect on his behavior -- although it has PLENTY in the past. We all know what kinds of opportunities are present at closing time. <P>Your post is dead on. Can't think about his behavior. Have to just get through the weekend. Have to detatch!<P>Snow

((((((((((((((((((BRAMBLE ROSE))))))))))))))))))))))))<P>This is really interesting. I wish my printer was working, I'd print it, guess I'll have to write it in my journal. I 've been reading some of your postings from AA, I am glad your sharing them and I think they are very helpful.<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

BR.<BR>Thank you. I did print the post and I find it fascinating and enlightening.<P>The interesting thing for me is that H parents are both recovering alcoholics (about 20 years now)and H went to an family intervention week when he was in teens. <P>I truly believe husband has an addictive personality. I am not convinced he is not an alcoholic himself. He was also addicted to cocaine about 11 years ago and while I knew he did it sometimes i didn't know he was having serious problems. He realized it himself and we moved (not for that reason) and it cut the supply and associations with the drug. Maybe I need to attend Al-anon?<P>Hopelessmom

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Detaching with love does not mean that we stop caring. It simply means that we quit trying to control someone else and their behavior. We stop creating comfortable environments for unacceptable behavior. We stop lying to ourselves, we accept the reality of who the person is instead of focusing on who they "could" be.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Absolutely spot on... THANKS for taking the time to share this. I especially like the part about creating a comfortable environment for unacceptable behavior. I just pray for discernment of what is unacceptable - who am I to judge?<P>I'm exhausted and going to sleep with the kids... H left for Chicago this morning... it was a sad day.<BR><P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

I'm glad it could help. I posted it because <B>I needed it</B> big time. I've been very undetached this last week and it makes me crazy. I'm choosing this weekend to get out of my funk and to get back on my feet and face life.<P><B>Dana</B> - You must be good at detaching already - I don't know how else you have survived so far. You are in my prayers every day.<P><B>Hopelessmom</B> and <B>snowwhite</B> - all you need is a friend or relative that has a problem with alcohol to qualify for Al-Anon. Run run run to a meeting - you'll be really glad you did. I discovered a long time ago, that Al-Anon is about how to be me, and how to live my life, and how not to let other's dysfunctions ruin my own serenity. I find that I have to apply those princples to my life in all kinds of non-alcohol related situations all the time!!<P>I also belong to a great online group called Steps2Recovery. Its at <A HREF="http://www.steps2recovery.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.steps2recovery.org/</A> <P>And <B>OvrCs</B> - ((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))<BR>We are all here for you. I wish I had been here when my H moved out.<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

BrambleRose,<P>My twin, I love you!! This is just what I needed to hear and exactly what I have been dwelling on and considering this weekend. It's funny, isn't it? I didn't even read your post until this morning, Monday, and yet I have been contemplating this exact topic all weekend.<P>I did complete reading the book, "Boundaries in Marriage" and was basically spanked back into remembering that the boundaries I set are boundaries on myself, not boundaries on my H because I can NOT control him! I need to decide what is and is not acceptable behavior and then ... take responsibility for changing myself and not letting myself continue to participate. For example, it is not acceptable to me to continue to be the punching bag in his rages. However, I need to lay the boundary within myself that I will not accept that anymore, and that if that is how he chooses to behave, I will do this and that to protect myself. <P>Anyway, I am virtually going to print your post and use it to help express my thoughts in an organized manner. It is EXCELLENT!! I love the list of how the stresses of infidelity affect us!! YAY! It's been written down!! I also love the last paragraph about acceptance. My H keeps telling me, "Why do you feel hurt about all my past A's (Eight now, BTW)? They're in the past and I love you NOW! Why can't you just let it go?" Well, I know why...grieving for what I've lost is part of acceptance. I lost a LOT that night when he told me, and I think it is appropriate to mourn the loss of the illusion of being loved, even if it was an illusion. That means I am accepting the truth, rather than just "pretending"!<P>So, bravo, BrambleRose! EXCELLENT POST!! THANK YOU!!<P><BR>CJ <P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

BR,<P>I posted "this" thread on "this" GQ thread:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008784.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008784.html</A> <P>Then I saw you posted the same on the GQ board. Thought what you posted could be of value to a lady in a really BAD situation.<P>"We stop lying to ourselves, we accept the reality of who the person is instead of focusing on who they "could" be.<P>This sentence brought me peace, more than you'll ever know!<P>THANK YOU!!!<P>Ragamuffin

BR,<P>Thank you for taking the time to post this!<P>I went to a few al-anon meetings last year when my H said he relapsed (drugs) and disappeared for 2 days. He has always been in recovery since I've known him and was surprised I didn't see signs of any drug use. I stopped going because I think he lied about the relapse - I think he was shacked up with another woman. Women are his drug of choice!<P>I always struggled with this part of the program. I was a little successful November - December last year, but I haven't done too well since a couple weeks ago when I found more inappropriate email exchanges.<P>I think I might need to detach physically from him so I preserve some of the love I still have.<P>I printed this out to remind me. Thank you!<P>

Free2Be,<P>detaching physically DOES help preserve the love, but it's a two way street. I've spent many nights wondering "what's he up to NOW????". But it's also helped me to focus on me (that's the detaching part, right?) and to try and change the things about myself that led to the unsuccessful state of our marriage. <P>BR, I'm actually taking him out on a date tonight. First one since the separation. I have read and read and re-read your post all day and I thank you again for taking the time to put it out here for us. I need to accept him for who he really is, right?<P>I'm actively seeking AlAnon in town. There are a lot of groups here, just need to find the right one. <P>Snow

<B>CJ</B> - I'm glad it helped. I know that every time I have needed to hear something, and I was willing to hear it, God provided! I'm glad it helped - I have to read it alot for myself. <P><B>Ragamuffin</B> - I have been following NoMoh's thread. Truly tragic. I've been praying for her, everyone else has already said everything. She won't hear the message of detachment until she really hits bottom, and it doesn't sound like she has hit bottom yet....<P><B>Free2BMe</B> - why would you quite Al-Anon if he is not in recovery? That's when you need it the most!! My H has never set foot into a 12 step room, and probably never will. Detaching physically may not really help if you can not willingly detach emotionally. Be prepared for the emotional reaction if you decide to do this!! I think this is why the Harley's suggest surrounding yourself with family when you go to Plan B....<P><B>snowwhite</B> - I'm so glad to hear you are seeking out a meeting! Sometimes its hard to find one that isn't about whining. I actually went to a meeting where the oldtimers were hushed - their wisdom wasn't considered nearly as important as the newcomers who wanted to complain!<P><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

I had printed this off months ago and just came across it again.<P>I wanted to bring this back to the top as I found it very helpful.<P> <P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL>

What a great topic! This is just what I need right now!!!<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Free2BMe - why would you quite Al-Anon if he is not in recovery? That's when you need it the most!! My H has never set foot into a 12 step room, and probably never will. Detaching physically may not really help if you can not willingly detach emotionally. Be prepared for the emotional reaction if you decide to do this!! I think this is why the Harley's suggest surrounding yourself with family when you go to Plan B....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>BR, I didn't see this originally when you posted it. I never believed my H was relapsing. I've never known him when he was in the throes of his addictions. He was married to his first wife at the time then went into recovery once they divorced (rock bottom). He has always told me about his recovery and all, but I've never seen it. It's sad but I think he uses it as an excuse now.<P><B>Update</B>: My H finally told me last month that he didn't relapse in the fall. Apparently he flew to FL (from NY) to meet a woman he met on-line. They'd been emailing quite a bit for 2 months prior and decided to meet. I guess the emails were sexually explicit (gag). He says she never showed though. I don't believe him!<P>So that's why I stopped going to al-anon - I didn't think I belonged. I need to attend Co-Da meetings instead.<P>I do find the al-anon concepts extremely helpful. My MIL and FIL are active alcoholics and my H and I struggle with this. We do read from <B>Courage To Change</B> book most mornings.<P> <P><P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL>

Free2BMe, "The only requirement for membership (in Al-Anon) is a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend." By this definition, you definitely belong there, if you choose. Being in recovery, as your H says he is, is a process, not an end point. An alcoholic/drug addict, whether using or sober, has issues related to their addiction that effect their relationships. Many people don't find Al-Anon until after their family member finds sobriety, often through the family program at a recovery center. <P>I used the same excuse to drop out of Al-Anon after we moved since my H had been clean and sober for several years by then. After all, wasn't it really his problem, not mine? Well, after almost 10 years, he relapsed and started to have an affair. I didn't go back to Al-Anon, wanting once again to handle it myself. MB was ok and other counseling, but in Al-Anon I have to acknowledge that I'm as powerless over alcohol as my H is and that the only person I can change is myself. Now that I'm back to Al-Anon, I am finally beginning to achieve a little bit of serenity. <P>CoDA would be good, too, but don't feel you don't belong in Al-Anon if you feel it could help.

Thank you, LetStry,<P>I did find some calm and possibly a bit of serenity when I was going to al-anon. I think during that time it was the hardest time of my life. My H was sleeping in another room, he'd disappeared for 2 days, then a woman from another state called our house the same week.<P>I will think about getting back to a meeting! Thank you!<P>

I have been told I am co-dependent and I was married for 13 years to my x who had a problem with drinking.<P>I don't know much about either Co-DA or AL-ANON. I think I want to try a Co-DA meeting. Can you tell me more about that?

I've never been to a Co-Da meeting, but I know there's one in my area. One of these days I'll get to it. <P>My H and I have been getting up early each day and reading from <B>The Language of Letting Go</B> by Melody Beattie. She's written many book for co-dependants. This one is a daily devotional type book. It's extremely helpful for me and I think my H as well as he's an adult child of alcoholics.<P>Sorry I wasn't very helpful!<P> <P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL><P>[This message has been edited by Free2BMe (edited June 28, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Free2BMe (edited June 28, 2001).]

I have that book too! My therapist recommended that to me some time ago. He said if one could follow all that is recommended in that book, they would lead a very healthy life. It is very good!<P>

<<Detaching with love does not mean that we stop caring.>><P>I admit I am not as evolved as many who successfully practice Al-Anon dogma. [hanging head] I don't want to care any more. I don't want to love the person who hurt me so badly. I want to detach, and I want to regard The One Who Hurts as a non-person. I'm sorry, I'm just not with the detaching with love yet. I admire those who can, I really do, and where I'm at now is the result of long-term internal growth, believe it or not. It just doesn't come overnight for me, nor does it come easily.<P>Thanks for the message, BR. I copied the text for my files.<P>Nell