Sigh....<P>Ok, had to let that out. I will try to keep this post short. I used to come here regularly when any little development with my ex happened. Things calmed for a while and I stopped. There have been so many posts lately on returning WS's that I am shocked and comforted all at the same time.<P>My ex started calling me about 5 weeks ago. I hadn't talked to him for about 2 months, and he had sent me a nasty letter in January for no apparent reason and with no provocation telling me how happy he was. It was all a lie. He is miserable, lonely, ashamed, etc etc etc. He never said he wanted to come home, but his actions were reaching out to me. Tuesday he was in town and called me at 11:30 pm. He wanted to see me that night. Right then, in the middle of the week. I asked him if he had been drinking because the request was so odd. <P>Like a ninny, I agreed. It brought back flashbacks of me driving over to his apartment late at night during the separation when he would call and say how much he missed me and wanted to see my face and then we would have sex and the next day he would hold fast to his divorce/space/separation decision and act like a jerk. I suspected that he wanted sex, and I am not sure I know what gave him the idea that I would give it to him. I guess he thinks me weak. <P>When I arrived at his friend's apartment, we shared a long tender hug, and had a long talk. It was second nature to sit next to him, touching him slightly, or in his arms. It was just so damn natural. I smelled alcohol on his breath, a familiar smell, and asked him about it. He vehemently denied having even one drink. I had suspected for a long time that he had a drinking problem, but wanted so much to have faith in him, I had taken his exlpanations and excuses and believed them. That night he admitted to me that he did have one and other problems that had developed and grew after the separation and divorce. He told me stories that frightened me. I felt pity, fear, sadness, love, hate, and anger all at once. <P>To make this long story much shorter, we ended up fooling around--no sex though. I don't know where he expected things to go, but they could have easily gone much further. When I left I cried and told him I felt guilty because he was still with the OW. I am also involved with someone, though it is not an exclusive thing. And though I told my new friend all about it that very night, I still felt guilty and ashamed, partly because I don't want to hurt him.<BR>My ex felt sparks and was shaking. I guess he was surprised at the "connection" he felt. I on the other hand, felt a little empty. No sparks, just a fit, a comfort. I wondered at that very moment what I had been fighting so hard for. He has so many issues I can't even begin to understand them. He is and never will be a man I want to live with. I realized that there is nothing I can give to him and nothing that he has for me. He is a black hole. <P>When I left, he seemed sad and like he didn't want me to leave. He asked if we could get together when he comes into town in a month. I will be out of town with my new friend at that time, and told him so. He seemed a little melancholy about that. I still was unsettled about the alcohol on his breath. The next day I called and asked his friend that he was staying with if he had had anything to drink. He said yes, but not much. My heart sank. <P> We have some serious business to discuss that needed to be cleared up before he left to go home to NC, and he was to call me: he was supposed to take back one of our three dogs so I could move out of the house I am renting from his mother. He never called--even to say goodbye. I was very upset this AM about it. I called him and he had already left. <P>I am sick and dissapointed, but I am not sure what I should do. Part of me is glad this rendevoux happened because I see now that I don't want him in my life and that he needs help that I can't give him. The other part of me feels like I had sex and didn't get called the next day: used (again) and mistreated. And left wondering why I allow myself to be let down over and over and over again. I want so desperately to believe in him. I just can't. <P>sigh....<p>[This message has been edited by gsd (edited May 12, 2001).]

Hi GSD. <P>I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think your statement in the last two lines is what needs to be answered.<P>"And left wondering why I allow myself to be let down over and over and over again. I want so desperately to believe in him. "<P>Its called HOPE.. <P>Tex..

gsd,<P>Maybe it’s possible that all of the WS’s out there are finally coming to their senses and are realizing what they have given up? Perhaps it’s something in the water? Of course, my ex hasn’t had a sip from that fountain, or if she has, she has forgotten my number by now.... Many of us out here have often wondered how we would respond if and when that day ever did come. I know it’s something that I wonder myself. As you stated before, one truly cannot know how to answer that question until it is staring you in the face. Well to a certain degree now, that question was posed to you, and it sounds like you have that answer.<P>I have never dealt with an alcoholic spouse, but I have been around those who have. Unfortunately, I really don’t think you can ever honestly trust an alcoholic, at least not one that has a long history of lying to you already. There are two things which really bother me about your visit with him. First, why would he feel compelled to lie to you, his ex-wife, about his drinking when you could actually smell and taste the alcohol on him? Second, why did he not call you before he left?<P>I don’t have the answers to these questions except to say that this man is lost and has some serious issues, and as much as it pains me to say this, I can help but wonder if his call to you at 11:30 that night was simply his way of testing the waters for a night of passion? I know schedules conflict and such, but late night calls generally are for one specific purpose. In all honesty, since he left you and is now living with the OW, his right to being with you intimately is now a thing of the past. You already know this, but if his new relationship was so great, why would he be calling on you late at night? I’m sure he wanted to see you, but he was probably also hoping for some action. Even without getting any, out of pure love and genuine respect for you, it would have been the right thing for him to call you and at least tell you goodbye before he left, but he didn’t. He was being selfish and he just left, letting you down once again.<P>I also think that once he sobered up, or the mood past, he went back to his old ways of feeling that being married was still not what he wanted. I have obviously never met this man, but even I pity him. He gave up a wonderful person in you and his quality of life has diminished because of his poor choices. For an already depressed, chemically dependent person, facing the realization of his choices is probably very hard for him to handle. He is a very troubled soul. On the flip side of this however, I think you have been doing the things necessary to look past the hurt and move forward with your life. <P>Seeing him the way you did the other night I’m sure helped to put a bit of closure to your marriage and to your question of “what if.” You understandably still love and care about him, as I would expect no less from you. I know that it has to be very difficult for you to see someone you love suffering as he is, but at the same time, you can’t be there as a crutch for him. Sometimes people have to hit bottom before they can rise up and get help with their addictions. You can be there for him when he needs you and asks for you, but you can’t fix him if he doesn’t want to be fixed.<P>He has also told you things many times over, yet the corresponding action has not been there. Remember when you are feeling down there is the old saying, “actions speak louder than words.” So far, his words have been just that, words. In reality, words are the easy part and it’s the actions which give us the results. So far, he hasn’t had any results because his words are only empty promises.<P>You asked about your desire to believe in him, but you can’t. Well just like his infidelity, his drinking and lies take away from his credibility and for you, these are direct withdrawals from your love bank. Unfortunately, he is in the processes of bankrupting your love bank, thus the reason you are even more willing to let go of him and of your dream with him. Until he starts making deposits instead of withdrawals, he will start to slip further from you.<P>I’m proud of you! I think you have come a long way in the past year and you are working through the healing process as you should. Keep in mind that whatever you are feeling, it’s ok. We can’t help the way we feel sometimes, but by accepting these feelings and questioning them, we can understand a lot more about ourselves and our lives.<P>You’re doing great my friend <BR>

Thanks to both of you. I think now that hope can be destructive.<P>BTW, Shawn, my long winded friend....have I told you that I absolutely adore you? <p>[This message has been edited by gsd (edited May 14, 2001).]