........parking his truck in an alley, in view of my kitchen window and hopping into a van with a woman that ISN'T his wife. I have witnessed this on sporatic (sp) occasions but last Sunday figured out who he was. I've been sick to my stomach since.<P>Went to work on Monday, bounced what I witnessed off of my boss (his wife is also a teacher) and he told me that my news was old news and the teacher/coach has a long history of cheating.<P>WHY the h%#l did I have to witness this? The guy has been a teacher since I was in HS, he also taught my kids and his sons are about the same age as my adult kids. His wife is a lovely person who, from what I understand, has knowledge he has strayed in the past and they worked it out.<P>I truly would like to make an appointment with this man (I'll think of something to make it happen) and confront him on what I witnessed. Face to face. I would like to ask him if this is what he teaches the young men he coaches.<P>Infidelity knows no boundaries does it? I want to make a difference and do the right thing and doing the right thing will have it's price I'm sure but it doesn't sway me from wanting to be IN HIS FACE. Yes, I've got the licence plate of the "other woman" too. What about her?<P>Thanks for letting me vent, boy I'm still steamed.....<P>Ragamuffin

Hi...<P>Who knows why you had to witness this... except maybe to help him realize the impact he's having on the community. Why is he seeking fulfillment in the arms of multiple women? Because he's so empty on the inside... maybe you can gently and caringly (word?) talk to him about what you've seen... keep it on the issue though so he won't get defensive (well, he will unless he's ready to be broken by God). Remember the story about how David was confronted by Nathan using a story? Maybe take the time to come up with a story in the language of sports/football that he can relate to that shows the whole thing. Let him draw conclusions from it or maybe take it one step further and let him know that this is known in the community. I'd hesitate to *shame* him though because chances are he's feeling pretty shameful on the inside and will reject this notion in an attempt to self-protect... <P>I think there is a responsibility that you've been drawn into here... 1 on 1 is best at first. Just to let him know that his "secret" is known and when exposed to the light maybe there's a chance for healing. I'm so sorry for his poor wife. She may already know also and would reject anyone bringing it to the forefront again because then she'll have to deal with it.<P>This kind of deal takes a great deal of preparation (complexity) but when delivering the message I'd suggest keeping it simple as can be - but hitting the issue and not him as a person. He is also loved by God no more no less than anyone else. His choices are what's causing harm though...<P>Cheers and LET US KNOW what you decide to do if anything AND how it goes...<P>Nicole<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

ps - because of what you've been through, the pain of it all, this is God working in you for HIS glory. You can identify with the pain of the whole thing. Many people would just close their eyes to it and say "to each his own". Because of your pain, maybe there can be some healing in the greater community... maybe this doesn't make you feel grateful for everything you've been through. It's an opportunity though for you...<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

OvrCs,<P>Thank you for such an insightful response!<P>"This kind of deal takes a great deal of preparation (complexity) but when delivering the message I'd suggest keeping it simple as can be - but hitting the issue and not him as a person."<P>This statement is why I've chosen to wait, mull it over, no "knee-jerk" action on my part and bring my what I saw to MB's for direction.<P>You know you could be right:<P>"ps - because of what you've been through, the pain of it all, this is God working in you for HIS glory. You can identify with the pain of the whole thing. Many people would just close their eyes to it and say "to each his own". Because of your pain, maybe there can be some healing in the greater community... "<P>Closing my eyes would be the easy route, my concience won't let me turn my head away.<P>I will take my time on deciding how to approach this situation. Not only in honor of marriage, in honor of motherhood. Young men should be led....but not this way! How I approach the situation will be shared with my 27 year old married son. He wouldn't expect any less of me (to address the situation and to lead by example).<P>Thank you for such a humbling repsonse!!!!!<P>Ragamuffin<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Ragamuffin (edited May 13, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How I approach the situation will be shared with my 27 year old married son. He wouldn't expect any less of me (to address the situation and to lead by example).<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not only share it with your son, but include him in the critical thinking process of how to respond. You not only are giving him the fish, but teaching him how to fish as well. So, this whole thing could be a lesson for all!<P>Good luck and keep us posted on your process and how your meeting ends up going...<P>Cheers!<BR><P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Page 285: "Private Lies" by Dr. Frank Pittman<P><I> If you know of a friend's or relative's affair, you have too much power and you are in danger of becoming part of the problem. </I><P>How you deal with this information will depend upon what the information is, how you obtained it, and what your relationships are with the people involved.<P>You may be aware that you have the power to hurt someone or destroy a marriage, and this is more power than you want to have. You must remind yourself that it is the unfaithful partner who is hurting a marriage the cuckold spouse can't repair the damage and save the marriage if the secret is maintained. You may say "But if someone is hurt, I could be blamed." But if you don't reveal the secret, you could be blamed for that.<P><B> If you don't care about these people, you know just what to do, gossip about it, tell everyone else, but don't face them with it. If you aren't close enough to the couple to be deeply concerned about your allegiances to them, then their affairs really are none of your business. </B><P>In the more difficult and complex situation of having an important relationship with both, or even all of the people involved, if they are relatives or close friends, you can tell what you know to both partners. Tell the betrayer first, and give him/her a chance to explain it to the spouse. What ever your relationship with these people, . . . take your information to the betrayer first. Let that person know that the information is out. The betrayer can salvage the situation by revealing it personally. Of course, if he or she doesn't tell the spouse, <B> and you care about the spouse, </B> then you should tell.<BR>

My initial reaction is that he should be confronted with your knowledge. In a statement of fact <B>not</B> a passing of judgement. And it might be an excellent idea to talk with your son in crafting your presentation. After all, he is male and could help you build the message to maximize its reception. And your son could learn about the unacceptability of these actions. <P>The coach has probably been confronted before. Some people have to be knocked on the head with a stick before they learn.<P>

Thanks for the reality check WIFTT and taking the time to post the book source information! I did need that! <P>I have not been elected to be the "morality police" of my community. Watching this go on digs at the very core of what I believe. It is WRONG for any person, but I hold someone in his position to the highest of standards! I have seen young (deserving) men booted off of sports teams at the high school level, because their representation of the HS outside of the halls, was not acceptable. The hypocrisy of adult vs student steams me to no end. There should be NO difference in expectations. Heck if a president can.......never mind, I won't even start.<P>Yesterday (Mother's Day) his truck was parked for my viewing pleasure for over 5 hours. Grrrrr.......but truly "he" is the only one I would EVER say something to, preferably face to face. That is basically my only desire, to let him know somebody is watching and to move it elsewhere! That is all my concience will allow me to do.<P>Thanks again WIFTT! <P>I'll get off of my soapbox.......grrrrrrr!<P>Ragamuffin