i've read all roofman6s' postings and the responses and decided to start a new thread centered more around the midlife aspect. here's a little background on my situation. i've been married for 26yrs., i'm 50yr. old. i've worked as a midlevel manager in 6 different states for the past 19yrs.. i gave this company my heart and soul, not to mention countless hours of my time. our two sons, from my wifes' first marriage left a couple of years ago. when i got to within 4yrs. of retirement i decided i had proved myself and would no longer work so late. i found i didn't have a life outside of work. my w and i got along ok, as they say. but for me something was missing. my w and i had discussed retirement, where we might live and do and what kind of life we wanted. i envisioned typical old folks, gardening, flowers, making wine, taking it easy. and then, when i got close to doing just that, i realized i wasn't ready to be old. so i bolted, emotionally. i was vulnerable to an affair but didn't know it. i did know though that i always fantisized having countless sexual encounters with other woman. and then, i started talking to a woman, at work, who was going through a divorce. i started helping her do things around her house, etc.. my wife asked me if i was sexually attracted to this ow and i responded honestly that i was not but without realizing it, i had become emotionally attracted to her. i enjoyed doing things for her. i got a lot of ego satisfaction from bettering her stbx h.. i realized that i wasn't being appreciated at home. i had been a wonderful h. worked like a dog to be a good provided and was, or had been an ardent lover. i helped my w, and made the million sacrifices, rear her two boys from her first marriage and had supported my w 100% while she completed nursing school. and when i saw how this ow did so much for her h when he did so little for her i started feeling like i had gotten the short end of the stick. i always drove the oldest car in the parking lot, sacrifcing for the family and i began to think about the wonderful life i could live at my income. i felt like i had missed out on an exciting life. and then i started a sexual relation with the ow. i was blown away. she was great! the best! she gave oral sex without any prompting, and her h left her! i felt like i had been cheated. she was trim my, w had gotten fat and had never did the oral sex thing for me while i've done everything for her. i know it sounds bad but that's just the way i felt. i too am an agnostic. i know i've got to do it now or never. i know this has been a long story but to bring it to an end, my affair fizzeled and died. now i'm living with my w and hopeing it works. she asked me if i love her or was just trying to love her. i of course told her i loved her but i really don't know the truth. we went to a dance place last night and we enjoyed ourselves but i still felt i had a right to one of the more attractive woman. my w is a wonderful person and loves me a great deal. i think she loves me more than i love her. i think probably in every relationship one loves more than the other. my affair and midlife crisis hit my life at the same time. i sense i'm still in it. i look for you responses. it's good that we men can, at least here, share.

You are lucky in many ways, Frankie. You were able to have an EMR and still have your marriage, and you were able to be mostly honest about it your wife. Sounds like your wife is a great woman and she understands your plight to some extent.<p>Others will disagree but I say the EMR (extra marital relationship) was a good thing for you personally. It's your life and only you would regret not taking the opportunity when it arose. But take my advice, cherish the memories of it and don't do it again. An EMR for EMR's sake is pretty empty and dangerous.<p>Work with your spouse on the sexual needs you have and work to make each other better. Focus your life on what you have and what it can be. Oh, one more thing ... buy yourself a good car!

I first want to say that you are a VERY selfish man!!!! Here you have a wonderful wife that loves you more than life itself and you dont give her the decentsy of telling her that you dont love her. HOW COULD YOU?? You had one affair and now are talking about another at the dance hall.....what kind of person are you? Dont you get it? This is HER life you are playing with!!! Not just yours. Either you love her 110% or not at all. You cant have your cake and eat it to. Plus, dont go blaming it on a fricken midlife crisis, that is just a crutch!!!!! You say you "do and do" for your family, well what about what you DID REALLY DO!!! You need to really think hard about what you want and what your wife deserves, dont keep her on this string!!!!!

lonely2, your response is an example of the pot calling the kettle black. you conclude from only what you've read on this board, assumming you've read all of them, that i am a very selfish man. i'm not bothered but your claim though because everyone is selfish. how about when you think about your x-h and visit him and talk to him and miss him. i'm not so sure you're just seeking to help him get over you and move on. if that were true, why bother telling us that you miss him and even saw him? sounds like you are in an emotional affair with your x-h. you say my w loves me more than life itself. how did you come to that conclusion. i only said that i think she loves me more than i love her. you shouldn't jump to conclusions and rush to judgement because you don't know the whole story. the whole story is too long. these postings are excerpts from our lives, just as yours' is about your x-h.. so my w loves me more than life itself? consider the fact that she had a bf while i and she were separated for 4 months that she claimed to love. consider the fact that he stayed with her for a week in her apartment and had it gone well my w was going to marry this bf. but as it were, it didn't go well and she dumped or i should say is trying to dump him but he's having trouble taking no for an answer. i waited for her to finish with her bf before i talked with her about a reconciliation. i'm not blaming my affair on a fricken midlife crisis. i got involved with the ow very much like everyone else gets involved, we started talking too long. like so many others recovering from an affair, i too question my feelings about my w. i express my feelings here to share them with others, thinking someone might find something in common with them and offer support and even a positive suggestion. i'm thankful to everyone posting constuctive responses. your response is nasty and mean. no thanks lonely2. but i wish you good luck in dealing with your x-h and hope your h understands you're just trying to help your x-h get over you.