X<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited May 30, 2001).]

It is a test, a test to see that you have changed for the better, and that you don't LB, however, you don't have to take verbal abuse, tell him if he wishes to discuss stuff with him, you will anytime he is civil, <P>now, if you agree with him, you are letting him off the hook, and he can't do it without your agreement. so it is a test of your resolve, to believe in him when he can't at the moment.<P>However, if you don't have kids, i will always recommend Plan A for several months, and then proceeding to Divorce, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Why? because the person is not ready for kids, needs lots of self help, realization, and has not the ability to be honest and truthful.<P>I would try for several months, Plan A, its very hard but is very educational, and leaves you in the best condition for a second relationship.<P>good luck.<P><p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited May 14, 2001).]

Cantletgo<BR>It is amazing how many marriages that are broken up over something to do with the DAMN health club. <BR>My marriage too is ending cause of that place, i stopped working out, my wife didnt, then she meet a really fit married man, and started working out with him. Then the EA started and i found out, and she says that she "WILL NOT" stop talking to him and working out with him.<BR>And i am in a similar situation that you are in.. except you seem stronger than i am.. See.. I now want to go to the health club. but she works out there with him. And i dont think i could take that. Even though I am sure that it would upset her too.<BR>Just know that i think you are one of the stongest people i have ever heard of and i wish to GOD i was like you.<P>As far as the way he is treating you. You may want to read the book LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. by Dr. Dobson.<BR>I dont know if it is the right path for you, but it kind of stresses that when a spouse is being unfaithful, or treating you bad. you should not even give them a warning. Tell them you are fed up and leave. Sometime spouses continue to do what they do cause you are still there. Kind of like a safty net. If you yank that net out from underneath them then most times they come back.<BR>Just a thought, but really look into that book.<BR>God Bless... and know that you are stronger than you think.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Thanks. If I think he is testing me it is easier for me to work on myself & figure out this Plan A. I hope he will give in against his self pride/stubbornness & talk from his heart.<P>BioMan: Its nice of you to think that I am strong. I dont feel that way. I started reading what I can on here, & I browsed the bookstores. I went to the library & grabbed a bunch of books on relationships/marriage that I am trying to absorb all the info. I was very angry & confrontational & crying at home alot. I have told my H I didnt want a separation/divorce/. That I do care for & love him inspite of what he thinks. My H went from telling me to give him space, we're not compatible to now telling me he's made his mind up & its over. But he doesn't take action. I think hes playing games with my heart. <P>I can sense the pain you are in. Lean on the people here. Their input is very valuable. When I had enough people telling me the same thing I started to believe it finally. Repeatedly some of these guys have had to tell me that my H's behaviour is not within my control. LostHusband let me know that pleading & begging & crying would just push him away more & he'd see ME as crazy. That I have to think about myself & improve myself because I want to. To try & meet his emotional needs (though he wont let me) as best I can but not sacrifice myself in the process. I am learning!<P>But my heart is so broken. The silence is unbearable & I am desperatly alone. I guess H & I were too dependant on each other & I returned his criticism/contempt with more of the same and defensiveness instead of taking a breath & phrasing my words in a non-hurtful manner. If I had done this, our intimacy would've been better & my H wouldnt think I hate him & am along for a free-ride/comfort. But it was his choice to critisize me & curse at me. I am trying to think of projects I can get myself involved in. But He and I are totally avoiding each other. He is being obstinate & stubborn. The ladies here will be upset at me but one indication from him for "another try" & I would be jello again. I would find it very hard to tell him -only under my terms. But it would be actually our terms. I am not holding by breath. I cry myself to sleep & am not sleeping or eating well at all. But I dont let him see this anymore. Men become "flooded" from criticism, complaints etc easier than women. They withdraw from any conflict. I want to bring this marriage back from the last brink, but I dont know that I can. I hope I can & that people will pray for not just me but that my H's heart will turn towards me again. I am working now on focusing on figuring out who I used to be before he oppressed it out of me & what I want for myself now. Blank thoughts at the moment but I hope to discover my goals soon. You are in my thoughts.<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited June 04, 2001).]

I know how you feel, but believe me, the three foot stack of Divorce books, set of legal papers, flirting with my friends, total emotional divorce, AND ALL OF THE REST didn't make me feel any better. My wife has ALREADY divorced me, the rest is just legalities. So, knowing where I 'stand' hasn't given me anything to feel good about. All of my efforts serve to accelerate the process. The only ones that make me feel good are the ones I do for me. He is being selfish, just like my wife. This is the devil's work, to be sure. That's why I am giving myself to God, and asking Him to restore my marriage. My wife wants to go, I will let her, despite the fact that I honestly feel that she would love to stay...I know I want her to, but I can't make her love me. She won't even let me try. We have four children, and have been married for 18 years. Take care of yourself, but I'd not go to the same gym...I'd not talk to the adulteress...she is not your friend right now. She is confused, as are all adulterers. Reading at the mall is fine...why should you worry about that? Please take care of yourself, and detach from their sinful activities...God will restore your marriage. Have faith. Be strong. Pray. I will, too.<P>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited May 14, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited May 14, 2001).]