Please advise me. My wife and I have been married for 21 years and I am more in love with her today than ever before. I have often described our marriage as "an extended honeymoon". We have three children, all rebellious with ADD and out of control behaviors, which have created a lot of stress on our marriage, especially in the past 2 or 3 years. Our teens have done an excellent job of "divide and conquer" bringing out our differences in our approach to disclipline.<BR>Last year, my wife, 46, who is peri-menapausal, depressed, and may be having a mid-life crisis, and does have MS, said she was thinking about leaving me. I was very shaken. We took a vacation to Ft. Lauderdale as a sort of "second honeymoon" to get away from the kids, stress, etc. It was at this time that I proposed that we recommit to the marriage. She began to cry and say "I can't". She went on to describe this "wall" between us. That was one year ago today. Now we are hanging on by a thread, although she abruptly altered her recent plans (as she was planning to leave me around Easter) when our oldest son (20) attempted suicide. She then decided to stay, at least for now. Yet, there is no intimacy, no sex, she puts forth no effort to work on the marriage, stays gone too much, is unaccountable with her time, cell phone is often turned off, etc. Then I discovered the enormous number of calls on her cell phone bill to her former employer's residence, where he lives alone. I overheard the tail end of one conversation to him, in which she lied to me, saying it was her female friend (although I could clearly hear a man's voice). Later I checked the phone statement, and confirmed that it had indeed been him. Then I overheard a bit more last week. On the phone with him, she puts me down, is being very judgemental of me (i.e., everything is my fault), tells him how much money she has saved up for her big move, is very intimate in the information she gives to him about us, and ends the conversation with "I love you". When I confronted her that I knew about these excessive calls to him, she asserted that she is not having an affair and that she has never been unfaithful to me sexually, and that he is a "friend" and "counselor". I told her that there is no way that we can work on our marriage as long as she maintains that friendship with him. She has not let it go, as of this past Thursday, and I know that she still lies to me. She says our marriage is at the "brink of disaster" after reading a little booklet on how to improve your marriage ("When Bad Things Happen To Good Marriages") that a friend gave us. This, at least, represents a first step for her in over a year! She has been unwilling to do anything to rebuild our marriage until now. I agreed with her that the booklet did seem a bit trite for our situation, and suggested that we do a workbook from "Marriage Builders". I told her that MB had the best information on saving marriages of anything I have seen. My question is, What do some of you, who know more about these things than I, reccomend as a first step? I have copied a summary of Dr. Harley's basic concepts for her to read. Then I thought about the "Five Steps to Romantic Love". I know she still loves me and we are strong Christians (although her faith is low at this time). Is it too late for us? Any thoughts? Suggestions? Desperately need a guide.<BR>

I hate to see a post get half way down the page without any responses, so...although I don't think I'm the best person to address you, I can at least offer a listening ear.<P>I am a mid-life woman who sounds a lot like your wife. Only in my case, my ex-H and I struggled with his infidelities and abuses before I ever did cheat myself -- which I did, one time, with a man I worked with.<P>As you can plainly see, I called my ex and "ex" which means that we could not repair our marriage. That's why I hestitated to respond to you... <P>I do believe that the concepts can and do work. I do believe that your marriage can be healed. It will take those two things we hate to hear: time and work.<P>My response will raise your topic to the top, where I hope you will get some other insights.<P>Best wishes as you begin this scary time in your life.<P>By the way, I have a son who attempted suicide too -- not a club we wish to belong in, is it? My son was in second grade at that time, and I can say, without reservation, that the divorce was even worse than that. That's why I say to do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING to save your marriage.

The <I>first</I> step, I think, is to try to get you and your wife into counseling. And I mean a good, professional counselor, not this ex-employer friend of your wife's.<BR>

Thanks new_beginning and GnomeDePlume for your helpful responses. I feel that this forum may be a big support for me as I wade through this wakeful nightmare. I know that my wife still loves me and asserts that she is staying put, "for now". What hurts is the lack of intimacy, her lack of cooperation to repair and rebuild, and the knowlege that she is still obsessed with the emotional affair. In the mean time, although she is still here, more damage is accumulating, making a divorce more likely later on. Any other thoughts out there?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know that my wife still loves me <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How do know that? that is a very dangerous statement, possibly disrespectful, by stating that for your spouse.<P>It does not sound like she does from your posts. What changes can you make within yourself to make yourself more attractive than the OM?<P>

WhenIfindthe time, I made that statement based on what she has told me numerous times recently. Unless I assume she is lying, I prefer to believe her. I think she is not afraid to say so if she didn't still love me. She doesn't act as though she is "in love" with me now, but I'm hoping that may change.