WS filed for divorce and I've just found out it could be final in as little as a week if we come to an agreement and he admits adultery. I'm not ready for this. I'm not sure why, but it seems so final and the OW has REALLY won. I don't know if I still love my H or the idea of him. I don't love who he has become, just has caused me and my boys too much hurt by all the "fake" reconciliation attempts. So why am I so upset? Why do I feel like my heart is being broken again? Is it because no one is ever really ready for divorce? How can he do this????

Okay, he is in an affair that is against the laws of man and God...do you expect him to be honest, or consistent? tHe man to whom your post refers IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND by any stretch of the imagination, so try to be a little more realistic about things. I am going home to sign divorce papers which lie about separation in order to let my wife run into the (waiting) arms of another man. Sound insane? Felt that way until I realize that only God will turn her heart, I can't do that. Neither can you, but we can 'set the stage' for when that happens. Do you have faith in God? You'd better find it soon. I feel your pain, too. I feel your weakness, and despair, because I have a boatload of it myself. Take the long view...take care of you and the children better than you ever have. Get rid of the darkness and bitterness in your heart. Fill it with love, but don't push him. He will run faster if you do, I know this. When his head clears, HE WILL RETURN TO YOU. Make sure you put out the fires he builds in your heart so that you can accept him when he does. There are two ways to go about restoring your marriage, one is weak, and probably won't work. I just told you about the other, which WILL. I am praying for ALL marriages these days, yours and mine included. HAVE SOME PEACE. You are a wife, and a Mother, and before either of them, you are one of God's children, and YOU ARE YOU. Focus on you. Get closer to God. He'll come back, make a wonderful place in your heart for him, and don't get bitter. Please.

to waiting_for_her<P>Just reading so old posts and your response caught my eye. It really helped me. I am struggling with the decision to let my H go. I have tried everything including lots and lots of prayers. At first the answers I got from prayer where stick it out, wait and see. Lately, I have been given a lot more peace about just letting him have his way, he left me and S(5) and D(10) after 12 years of having everything supplied for him. Being a peoplepleaser, hence the name, I have make life incrediable easy for him the last 17 years. Not because I was forced to but because it gave me great joy to provide for my family. I wanted him to have all the things he didn't have growing up and I got pleasure from seeing him happy. The problem is that he never understood the reality of bills, marriage, child-raising, household responsibilities, etc. I was wrong in that I should have shared things with him instead of protecting him from them. He is 34 and just moved out on his own for the first time in his life. I still worry so much about him but I think the reality shock will do him some good. Sometimes we do just have to let go and let God. Have a great weekend.<P>L

<B>LWM</B>,<P>I feel the same way. I think that 20 years ago people saw Divorce as a solution. Now we know differently, Divorce solves nothing and only creates sadness in all those affected. There are some cases were D works, both parties agree and want the same thing but that is a rare bird indeed. <P>If I could only feel based on logic I would be happy to be rid of him, but I am not a robot. Some days I wish I were!!<P>My greatest fear is that I will never agian feel true happiness. <P><B>peoplepleaser</B>,<P>You just described me to a tee. I was a giver always and it gave me great joy to be that way. It hurts so much when that is just all tossed away so easily by STBX/WS.

What a great reply by w_f_r!<BR>You are so right on the mark.<BR>Divorce is about the worst thing I can think of to have to go through- I wouldn't wish it on an enemy.<BR>Its been many months for me (since divorce), and I still often think about XW, why, how, etc. I don't know how one could get through this without God's help.

LWM, I am the one filing, but only to protect a business we own jointly from his drinking and drug abuse. He is becoming more and more antagonistic, demanding spousal support and lawyer fees, lying about his drinking and drug use (to be expected, I guess), falsely accusing me of liquidating assets, turning him in to his licensing agency, etc. We were together for 19 years. Now he has thrown it all away for a 22 yr. old also married woman who likes to get high with him. I can't imagine that anyone really benefits in a divorce. <P>I agree with w_f_h that my WS will eventually come out of the drug, alcohol, and sex induced fog that he is in. I'm just not sure at this point if I'd be willing to go through another round of this with him, as much as I still love the man he was and miss him.<P>And I have the same fear as HopelessinAZ that I will never again feel truly happy.

A few thoughts I had while reading this thread.<P>Who won or lost? You win if you can make yourself a happy, complete person. Notice there's no other person in that sentence. There might be other people involved in that happiness, or there might not be. The point is, you make yourself happy by doing things you enjoy that you know you will never have to apologize for. Your WS's success or failure is up to <I>them</I>, not you.<P>As bad as it sounds at some stages of separation/divorce, the WS very, very often <I>never</I> comes back to you. This is not part of the equation to your happiness. Your happiness is up to <I>you</I>, not WS.<P>As far as providing a good family to your WS, it's very useful to go through the exercises that the Harley's have provided here. You might have done something to damage the marriage, you might not have. But it's so important to understand your role you played in the breakup. While I certainly don't have anything against religion, it's important to not only pray for the things you need, it's important to examine and analyze yourself to achieve what you need.<P>Will you ever feel true happiness again? The answer: yes. I don't know who you are, but yes. I don't know what happened, but yes. Yes, as long as you do the things you enjoy. Yes, as long as you examine each action you do and know you will never feel ashamed for it.<P>Fast forward ten years. Look back on this breakup. Do you think it will still eat at you, or will it just be an unpleasant, distant memory? That is up to you.

trying2bme, Thanks for your reply. I know you are right and I appreciate the hopefulness. I tend to get kind of morbid about the future because I'm in remission from cancer and can't really picture myself anywhere in 10 years. I'd like to think I can get to happiness sooner than that! My divorce is starting to look like it's going to be really ugly so I don't anticipate a happy year ahead of me, and I've already had a bad year of infidelity and verbal abuse preceded by a couple of bad years with surgery, chemo, radiation, more surgery... I'm running our business alone and I'm tired...

LetSTry<P>I just read your post. I'm so sorry for your pain - this must be complete agony right now. I will tell you that what is seemingly endless agony at this point will eventually subside if you will make the choice to live and be happy. It is a choice. you have options and that is a good one to take. <P>I'm always looking at my life and seeing the crisis that are coming... I decided that it isn't the crisis that I need to be seeing - they will come regardless of what I do - it's how I react to them that makes a difference. If I choose to be drawn down by the fact that my husband said he didn't want a wife and kids anymore, and left us, without any options except to move on without him in our lives, I would be a wreck. I have four kids who need to see mom living and having a great life so they know it's okay for them to do the same thing. Guess what! We are living and moving forward - and whether it's a year or ten years down the road - when I see my ex next, he's gonna know that he was the looser in this game, because I'm a better woman for choosing to be a mom and raise my kids to be happy adults!<P>Is this just to encourage you - NO. It's what I've decided to do. I can't change my ex, but the best thing I can do is succeed at life without him, since he chose to leave. But, I hope you choose to be encouraged by these thoughts and choose LIFE for yourself.<P>Choose to live and live successfully!!! <P>Blessings<P>Jan<P>BTW - the answer to the question - Is anyone EVER ready for divorce? YES - a resounding heart lifting YES!!! When a spouse leaves and refuses to communicate with you for whatever reason - it is really okay to move on and get past the pain. It actually helps to move on with a smile on your face!<p>[This message has been edited by seekingjoy (edited June 24, 2001).]