I used to post on the Emotional Needs Board but now my situation has regressed to the point where I need your help here. My wife and I have been going through a huge conflict where she said she wanted to leave. Well, I started using this site, and quite frankly, had a very difficult time following all of Dr. Harley's advice. I have been very upset and have violated a lot of the love bank principles. However, my wife has not responded positively to anything I do.<P>My wife told me today that she hasn't been there for me for two years (we've been married 6.5) and that she is over it. She has been packing all of her things and moving them to her mother's house for the last week. (Very painful). I am very depressed and fluctuating between anger, frustration and panic. I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. She says it was time to make a decision and she has made it. She is moving out and is going to file for a legal separation and ultimate divorce. I have been working on her for three months with no results. We have had no physical contact for those three months. She totally withdrew. I don't have proof that she is having an affair but I have my suspicions that something is going on somewhere or she is definitely interested in pursuing another relationship.<P>She just wants me to be civil and settle amicably. What should I do at this advanced point? I'm scared to death both from an emotional standpoint and a financial standpoint. We just bought a brand new house that we have only been in for 8 months and I just bought her a brand new Chevy Tahoe. She is 31 and I am 40. I have spent the last 6 years getting my education so that we could have a happy life. During that time I focused too heavily on my career goals and not enough on her. She got tired of it and withdrew from me and refuses to come back. We have been to counselling, we went on a marriage retreat a couple of years ago. Nothing is working. I guess I am one of Dr. Harley's situations where it is too late.<P>Please help me with this. I can't focus on my work and am afraid I will become a failure because of this. I'm trying to renew my relationship with God which has helped but I still am in the cycle of great dispair. Please help.

thirstn,<P>As one whose been through the process...<P>...I'd say try to give the Plan A route just a little more time.<P>"long distance" Plan A-s have their place...<BR>...and a separation may not be the end of the world.<P>If there really is someone else...<BR>...then it usually opens up substantially more contact with an OP.<P>Do check out my post on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Prepare yourself gracefully for Plan B...<P>And all the while long...<BR>...build that relationship with God...<BR>...you'll need it not matter what happens.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

"I'm trying to renew my relationship with God which has helped..."<P>thirstn,<P>THat is the single most important thing I did - I went back to God. While I had always practiced my religion, it became as if I was only going through the motions. The day my wife left, was the day I totally recommitted my life to His Will. Begin there and you won't be let down...<P>Your situation is all too common - take comfort in that. Know that the words your wife has said to you, have been the same ones so many of us have heard. Take them with a grain of salt. Keep in mind that while you have some responsibility for your marriage, it is/was/and always will be a two-way street. Focus on what you did wrong and work to make changes in your life. Take this time to re-evaluate yourself. BUT DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. Your wife is just as much to blame for things as you are.<P>Please if there is anyway - get yourself to counseling. If your wife will not go with you, then by all means GO BY YOURSELF. I am a 30 year old 6'2" 220lb x-football player - your typical "tough guy". It took a lot, and I mean a lot, for me to admit I needed help and to go to a counselor. It was the single most important and best decision I have EVER made. Do it. Please....<P>As for your immediate actions - let her go. Don't become needy and try to hold on to her. NOthing has been filed - you have plenty of time. This will not be fixed over night, you are now in for the long haul - you need to come to terms with this.<P>Finally as I alluded to in the beginning of this post - pray, pray and pray. Pray hard and listen. Take sometime to truly reflect with God. Go be by yourself in a quiet place. Let all your emotions come out. He will be there for you.<P>And whatever you do - DON'T let the anger control your actions. You will get mad, let it happen, but don't let it take control. The day my wife left was the day I began praying for God to take all the anger out of my heart - And to this day - He has.<P>Your wife is in the "fog" and you are on the "rollercoaster" - I am so sorry you are here, but at the same time I am glad you are here - there are a lot of good people here with some good advice and some very comforting words and thoughts. Don't be afraid to write here - as much or as little as you want.<P>We will all try to help...<BR>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Thank you all for your response. Mike, I have read several of your threads and your situation is almost identical to mine. We married when she was 24 and I was 32. I think she feels she missed out on her youthful years. I have found things like phone bills and business cards that lead me to believe that she is interested in someone else. I really don't know what to do at this point. I have an appt. with an attorney on Thursday so as to protect my interests. The scary thing is that she is being really nice right now in order for me to be amenable to the separation. I am not and agree with the philosophies on this board. She has said all of the nasty things and has similarities to the MLC board that I have read. I have spent hours on this board reading and trying to implement concepts that just don't seem to work. I bought a book while in SanDiego last week: "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Love". She is reading it but I feel she is reading for her next relationship. She is adamant that she is leaving me and is demanding that I put the house on the market. I can't afford it on my own so I will probably have no choice. I guess I have to wait to see what the lawyers say. This is the worst thing that I have ever gone through in my life. Mike, I have been to counselling but it was worthless. My counsellor met with both of us initially and then individually. She told my wife that she needed to do what was going to make her happy. Which meant leaving me. When I met with her, she told me that I needed to move on with my life and let Jennifer go. She didn't love me anymore. <P>What a miserable life. Just when you think you are on the right track...The bomb drops. My professional and personal life sucks incredibly right now. I am seriously thinking of moving to a new location to get away from the destruction. I am in a small community and could not bear seeing my beautiful wife in someone else's arms. I am a health care administrator and have the ability to relocate. I just feel so incredibly helpless at this point. I have been trying to Plan A for three months and have backslided several times. My wife told me that 2 months ago, we could have still worked things out but that I have pushed her to the point where there is no way that she will work on things. This really hurts.

Hi Thirstn,<P>I would like to welcome you to the d/d site. Have you received a welcome message? Here is a post that may help you. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008792.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008792.html</A> <P>Like yourself, my H accused me of spending too much time at work and not enough at home. I did not neglect my family responsibilities. According to my H, I neglected him. Mind you it didn't matter that he was never home or he did not communicate his needs to me nor did he meet our needs. Still it was presented as my fault. <P>Why?!?!? Because when he went out there, there were many ears and mouths more than willing to make me look bad and him look good. Yes, these OPs are great at refocusing our Ws's anger back to the BS. Betcha didn't even know there was this problem to this extent? Neither did I. I knew I spent a lot of time at work (new company product, new systems, changed systems, company moved 3 times in 5 years, went public, guiena pig for 5 new systems, etc.), but I kept in contact with H and always let him know where I was what I was doing and was it ok to work, etc. H on the other hand did not keep up notifying me like that unless..... it was to create an alibi to go and do his dirty deeds. Hm..... Well now I am being accused of what he did. Was I like him? No. <P>So, is your W having an A? Possible. Are you being accused of things you never really knew about they way they are accusing you? Is she very moody and looking for more ways to be mad at you? Is she difficult to please? Do you feel like you are with a different person just with the same body? These are just some of the symptoms. <P>How can you prevent your W from divorcing you until you have tried everything to save your marriage? Do you want to save your marriage? Are you frustrated?<P>If these are your questions, you have come to the right place. Take some time to read the emotional needs questionnaire and if you can consult with the Harley's either as a couple or separately. I know you have been on the EN board but I am not sure how much you know about the Harley's services. <P>You will have support here. Many of our posters are men who are in similar predicaments. The women have a lot of good advice here also (not being sexist or anything). <P>I wish we could take away your present pain. What we can do is help you cope. <P>Here is another post that helped me:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P><BR>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited May 14, 2001).]

Get a new counselor. I believe my H's counselor encouraged him to continue with divorce because he was not in love. The counselor should be looking at him and why he had affair and why not in love anymore.<P>Some counselors suck. Call the Harley's and counsel with them.<P>Hopelessmom

thirstn,<P>It is kind of ironic, but the counselor we went to actually took the same stance - "Mike let her go" - "xxxxx do what makes you happy". While I totally disagreed with him on that subject, he helped me in other areas of my life - areas that had indirectly contributed to the fall of my marriage. That is where I learned the most.<P>If I could do it over again? I would find a counselor that has faith in their life. These people can often be found through your church, whatever faith you are. For without faith in your life, than marriage becomes just another contract - a contract that if it is not serving both parties equally, then just end it. It is only when you look through the eyes of faith that you can see marriage as so much more.<P>There are many counselors out there doing a great disservice to many marriages. Personally I think they are giving their "patients" the easy way out, instead of finding out more about why the problems exist and trying to fix things - to them it is better to end it and start fresh with a new marriage. It is so sad. But it just goes along with our society - fast paced, quick solutions, the "me" generations...<P>God have mercy on us all,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Oh, and the part about you guys could have worked it out only "you" ruined that chance is a big bunch of Sh#t. She is in Full Rationalization Mode right now. She has to blame you, even if she doesn't blame you to your face, she is probably saying it behind your back. For if it is your fault, then she can tell herself "well he will never change, so it is best that I leave". Because if it was "her" fault she is the one that needs to change and not too many people will admit to themselves that they can not change if they wanted to. So that would mean she is wrong in her thinking and that she needs to try harder in the marriage.<P>No way is she going to take that route while she is in the fog - better to blame it on you than have to face herself.<P>Sorry buddy,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.