(UPDATE: H stared affair with OW in 11/99 and is now living with her. No chance of reconciliation and I am moving on with my life, although no one has filed for divorce. I'm in Plan B and don't communicate to him unless I have to.)<P>I had to talk to my H today because his cousin, who is the same age as him and was very depressed, committed suicide. It is very sad, but there is a gene that runs thru that family...I was afraid to actually tell him, but I thought I should. He doesn't communicate to his family at all.<P>He wasn't too surprised about it, although I'm sure when he thinks on it more, it'll bother him. We live 6,000 miles away from that cousin and he hasn't seem him for several years. It's really sad.<P>But the thing is.....my H, who hasn't lifted a finger to do anything "legal" about a divorce, or separating the finances, or anything (I've done all that) says, "So what do you want to do about our relationship?" I said "what relationship?" He snickered and said, "you know, do you want to move forward and do something permanent about it?" I said "I am moving forward...and I'm not the one who wanted a divorce to begin with." And just left it at that. He didn't say anything after that.<P>What is his question supposed to mean? Is he gonna leave EVERYTHING to me??!! It makes me mad! I don't even know how to answer him when he says that!! What a dork! Does he think by him not doing anything, it's making it somehow "easier" on me?? Ya, he made the mess and I get to clean it up!! And the thing is I HAVE to clean it up, just to protect myself!!! GRRRRRR!<P>I don't want to "work with him" on a divorce! This isn't some little project we both agree to. I just want him to get some b*lls and do what he thinks he has to. Otherwise, come September (my arbitrary 2-year time limit), I think I will just go ahead with it. I've done everything else.....separated all the bills, credit cards, etc. I'm taking care of our house and property myself basically. He hasn't even come to get his stuff out of the garage where I piled it in over a year and a half!!!<P>Does anyone have any snappy comebacks I can give him if he asks this again? I just wanted to whop him upside the head!!<P>Thanks for letting me spew!<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Take care of yourself and keep moving forward, divorce isn't the end of the world. <P>

Aloha Mrs. O,<P>Howzit?!?! Yep, frustrating isn't it? They are all talk, and little do..... I told H since the D was his idea, he needed to do it. H kept saying, ya ya, bought the book had the CD to print some of the forms, OW gave him all the web sites to go and she even found the cheapest way for him to do it. I am sure she would have done more, if he let her. <P>Anyway, H would not budge his okole. Gave all kinds of excuses about not wanting to print it on the computer where he lived, didn't want to do it at the library, didn't want OW to help him, etc. I wouldn't let him do it at my home so he used that as an excuse as well. I told him if he really wanted to D, he would find some way. Go to Kinko's or wherever. <P>Bottomline is that he was all talk. After 12 weeks of promising and doing nothing, he asked to come home. Basically, I say call his bluff. I would call H each week and ask him had he started yet? Of course, this was after I was in the acceptance stage and prepared myself for him saying he had started. <P>Hope you get some sort of resolution soon. You know there is an LB Fairie around on the GQII board. She may be able to pound some sense into his head for you. Call her. She flys in from the other end of the pacific. Check out this post:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008791.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008791.html</A> <P>Hope this LB Fairie can take some of the stress off you. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

Mrs. O, no advice...but sounds like your H, like mine..has the "path of least resistance" mapped out quite well!

My husband was EXTREMELY contentious for weeks after he "decided" he could no longer live with me. (Will someone please tell him he has not lived with me since last July?) Of course, he was being hateful to me to hide his yet another affair (hmmm...female this time). Well, he did the "gotta get a divorce" song and dance for some time, refusing to speak to me about our marriage or our impending divorce. Whadda dip. So, I filed. It was coming to that anyway. I thought if I filed first, I'd have more emotional power. Dunno if I do or not. My husband loves the preemptive defensive position, so he can have it. I ain't talkin' either right now, so he can just go argue with his reflection or some stump. Since he is extremely controlling by nature, I was told that his recent behavior runs along that same line. He'll panic when he has no one around to bully or intimidate, and I will not let him reduce me to melted jello any more.<P>Gotta stay strong,<BR>Nell