I have mediation scheduled today with my ex and I feel like I'm going to puke! I really need your thoughts and advice on this one so please stick with it if it gets long. First off, we've been divorced for a few years now and we do have divorce papers. Our papers do not state either way in regards to transportation for visitation. I am the CP and he has every other weekend visits + more. We use to live 2 miles from ea. other, now we live 15 miles from ea. other (I moved). Problems regarding this issue began before I moved so the move isn't the reason, just another excuse for him to use. There was a point where he went 2 yrs. without seeing the kids or calling them. I got tired of making excuses for him when the kids asked why he didn't see them and told them to ask him themselves. (Son is 13, daughter 8). After begging him to see them (his family and his kids) he called out of the blue one weekend and requested them. His legal visitation is Fri. 5:00-Monday night 8:00 p.m. He picked them up Friday at 5. On Sunday night daughter called crying. She wanted to be home in her own bed. She begged and he brought her home. She stated that she enjoyed her visit but that 3 nights were too long. You must understand that she hadn't slept in his home since she was 6 so it was understandably uncomfortable for her right at first (he lives with his gf and her 2 boys). Well after a few weeks he again requests them for the weekend and daughter asks him if she can come back on Sunday instead of Mon. He told her no and she became upset (on the phone). I talked to him and tried to explain that if he was going to start up visitation it would be helpful to do it slowly and on a regular basis. He started screaming at me that I was interfering with his visitation if I didn't let him keep them until Mon. night and that I was brain washing them! Then his girlfriend picked up the other line and started yelling too. I hung up. The next day he showed up at daughter's school and told her that if she didn't stay until Mon. night he wouldn't buy her a birthday present and she wouldn't get to play with her friend by his home. She agreed to stay until Monday. Then he called me at work and told me she always wanted to stay until Monday and that I was a liar....etc..Fast forward.. Out of the blue the kids show up after school on Mon. instead of Monday night. He never informed me, just sent them home on their school bus. He continued with this schedule for a while because it was too hard for him to keep them until Monday night. I never said a thing about it. Another weekend and he's talking to the kids before taking them and he tells them he'll bring them home Sun. night at 8. I ask if he can keep them until 8:30 as I'd be out of town and might not make it back by 8. He agrees. He picks the kids up, puts them in his van and then tells me to pick them up at his home at 8:30-drives away. I can't do that! Legally he has them until Mon. night so he COULD say I'm interfering with his visitation rights. Or, he could do what he has in the past and not be there when I arrive or take turns with his girlfriend swearing at me in his front yard. I spoke with the kids on Sat. and told them I could not pick the kids up on Sunday but would be home at 8:00 if that is what he wanted. They showed up Sunday morning unannounced. Then he started in how I needed to drive 50% of the time. He told the kids he would not see them if I didn't drive 50% of the time (2 miles we are talking here guys). After talking with my attorney he said that our papers did not include who should drive but that it was a no brainier that he was responsible. If he wants his weekends he needs to pick them up, he needs to bring them home of he's in contempt. In our particular county the Judges lean towards the NCP doing the driving, feeling that the CP does enough of it during the week, especially when we live close by. Regardless, I agreed to bring them to him on Friday's. I'm off of work earlier and can get them to his home by 5 (he requested 6 so now it's 6). I also don't have to fall into the trap of his games of them not being there on a Sunday pick up. Now, we are going to mediation and he is claiming that I should drive on Sunday's too and that I'm putting the kids in the middle of our visitation problems. I swear it's not me. I try everything to avoid them even having to be around when it's discussed. He's the one that calls the kids and tells them that he has legal papers that state I need to drive half of the time and that it's my fault he doesn't see them etc.... I will drive half way but I refuse to continue letting him beat on me (verbally). How do I tactfully say this and what do I tell my kids when he again stops seeing them if I refuse to do that part of the driving???

Such a sad sad story. This is not a bridge I've crossed yet but I'm sure in time it shall be.<P>First of all, I think that you need to find a drop-off point that is more public than your houses. It's obvious that as long as your dropping them off at the house than your in for the fight. Personally, I would agree with either you dropping them off or you picking them up, not both. I would also try to stipulate that the girlfriend is not to be involved in anyway with the drop off.<P>If he stops seeing them again I would just use honesty and love. I'm sure at your kids ages that they are able to see right through what he is doing. It is so unfortunate that they are the ones who have to pay the price for his behavior.<P>I hope you get through this OK and please keep us posted.<P>Love, Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

Bonnie,<P>We're operating under temporary orders right now. But this is how our's is laid out.<P>He picks D up from school on Friday. He returns her to school on Monday morning. <P>We don't have to see each other at all. She goes into his custody when school ends and back into my custody when she's returned to school. However, if school let's out early on Friday, or there is no school on Friday, then whenever school lets out, she's still his responsibility.<P>(But I do stay at work, which is nearby, until he calls and tells me that he's picked her up...... in case his car breaks down or there's traffic, etc. And he calls me on Mon. morning after he drops her off.)<P>~Amy

Thanks LostHusband. I fully intend to agree to bringing the kids to him on Fridays. This also avoids his late shows or no shows in the past. It really causes a lot of stress around our homes if he does the pick up's on Fridays.

Sorry Bonnie, I don't buy any of it. <P>He should pick them up.<BR>He should bring them back home.<BR>He should let the little one grow into longer weekend.<BR>He should get them on Fathers day. If you have them he should come pick them up, and return them to the right location.<P>You should have them on Mothers day. If he has them you should pick them up and then drop them off at the correct location.<BR>You should not have to put up w/ that CR#p. PERIOD!!!.<BR>You should stand up for what is RIGHT!!. <BR>You know what you need to do. DO IT!!.<P>Dagone this kinda C@#p PI$$e$ me off!!. <P>This is the kind of agreement I have withth the STBXW. with one expection. I have my daughter every other weekend from 6Pm Friday to 4 PM Sunday, then every Weds. from 6-8PM. I get her for a whole month in the summer and every spring break. Plus every other major holiday. And I am normally there early. So I can get the wide eyed look and smile from my D when I show up. <P>Tex. <P>Sorry for the vent. Your X is acting like a dink. But thats just my opinion!!<P>

Wow Bonnie,<P>We only have one kid, and I will do just about anything to promote Dad's visitation. He picks our son up after school on Friday, then I meet him somewhere public Sunday to pick him up (McDonald's, the mall, etc.). My husband is a verbal abuser too, so I've adopted a policy of not engaging in conversation outside of a public place or with other people around. He doesn't keep our son Sunday night because he has ADD and needs the consistency of home base during school. And, he doesn't want to keep our son Sunday night either, so that he is free to socialize. But, because we are just beginning the divorce process, he is beginning to try to manipulate me through the kid. (He's threatened to take our son away from me in fits of anger before.) He took him an extra day in the middle of the afternoon once, and my son came home crying (we've been separated almost 1 yr.). He calls out of the blue wanting to talk to the boy now, and this is not his usual character. I agree that NCP's need to slow down a bit and consider the kid's regular routine, then gradually increase visitation time, especially if they've been absent for a while. Children get very upset when their routine is disturbed; ask any teacher. I think the change in schedule is hard (he's 10), and his emotions are quite raw right now. So, we'll try it again when school lets out.<P>Keep a record of your conversations and compliance.<P>Nell

AgoodmaninTexas - Wow! You sound like my brother! I've been told though that if I said what you just said in Mediation that I'd look like I'm not cooperating. Mediation is meeting half way. I could say exactly what you said and in court the judge would most likely say what you just said. But, it all falls back on him not seeing the kids and that just kills me. To a child my son looks at me and says "Why can't you drive half way mom? Seems only fair." It does...dealing with a normal ex it's very fair. I agree to the Friday drop off's but now the ex isn't happy with that either. I've got to get tougher....I know, I can't go in there feeling like he's going to scream at me and I'm going to back down. He has done NOTHING to deserve my trying to meet him half way.

Bonnie. <P>I guess that is why the lawyer is suppose to be there for(?) Let him deal with it. <P>Tex.

Ok, I think I'm ready. This is what I've decided. I will point blank point out that the papers state that visitation starts on Friday at 5:00 and ends Monday night. My only responsibility is to have the kids ready by 5:00 for him to pick up and to be home when he returns them. If he doesn't show up at 5:00 then obviously he doesn't have his visitation because it doesn't state that I'M responsible for the driving. I will state that I am willing to bring the kids to his home on Friday's as long as I'm able. If something comes up and I can not he either picks them up himself or forfeits. If he wants to take me to court over it he can go for it. If he starts crabbing I still state that it's obvious that we'll never come to agreement and I'll leave. I didn't want to spend the evening in that room with him anyhow. The last month he's been fine because he knows mediation is coming up. I've been bring the kids there on Friday and he's been bringing them home. No problems....so why can't he just learn to act like an adult?

Well mediation wasn't bad at all. He never showed up! 2 Mediators and 1 observer volunteered their time and he didn't show and didn't call. One made a comment to me "I read one of your problems with him was his lack of responsibility". Yup. They said he was the first one that they ever had that actually requested the mediation and then didn't show up. They send letters ahead of time confirming your time and a voice mail so he doesn't have that as an excuse. Court papers only state that you need to try mediation before going to court. I've tried it twice, it failed so in my book that's enough history to refuse the next time he requests it.

Everyday on this site I read something that I just can't understand. Today I can't understand your husband. I would do anything or be anywhere to talk about the future of my children.<P>He is only digging his own grave.<P>Still praying for you.<P>Bill