...about seeing your name written on the petition for dissolution of marriage, listed on the county clerk's page for public documents. On another, I see the judge my case has been assigned to. The blood just drained from my head; I can't believe this is really happening. I guess my lawyer filed my papers yesterday. He said it doesn't take long for the respondent to receive the documents from the process server. I don't want to do this, but I certainly cannot go on living in a horrible marriage. Really, you'd think this would be a no-brainer to make this choice. Using my intellect, it is a rational choice. She just won't talk to my emotions. You know, we went through 5 or 6 counselors in the course of our 14-year union. How's that for stability? *sigh* It wasn't meant to be. Well, my divorce petition will be listed in the local paper next, along with all the marriage licenses, arrests, liens, and births. Kind of reduces it to some clinical manifestation of life. I keep having this wierd feeling deep inside me, like my chest or my stomach has fluttered and fainted. I don't feel joyous at all with this divorce, yet I don't feel regretful for filing either. I spend the majority of my days trying to stay calm, and I also stay away from my husband. Why am I so wracked with fear? I know I'll be OK in the end. I just...<P>Can't live with him,<BR>can't live without him,<P>Nell

Yes, the first time I saw my name vs my H with myself as the plantiff, my stomach definitely did flip flops. <P>This isn't what I planned or wanted 10 years ago! It's taken me roughly a year to get to a place emotionally where I have acceptance most days....and I've can only thank God for giving me that time to do so. Had my H divorced me last summer as he threatened to do...I don't like to think about what a mess I would have been.<P>Now that the divorce is unfolding, I have alot more serenity about it!

BR wrote:<P>"Now that the divorce is unfolding, I have alot more serenity about it!"<P>Thank you, that is comforting. My therapist told me that once it starts, it seems to go by very quickly. I know in my broken heart I'm doing the right thing, yet my sorrow lingers. I feel like I've been knocked down a couple of emotional notches, and the pain makes we wince anew.<P>Nell

Nell,<P>I NEVER thought I'd be able to say this with any sincerity...but it DOES get better with time. I have been on this rollercoaster ride with a few other people from this forum...and oddly enough, we've all hit the same highs and lows, anger and sorrow, and sometimes you even just feel pretty good, around the same time - it is definitely a progressive thing that follows some standard time/adjustment periods.<P>My ex left Aug 27, 2000. I have gone through depression, anger, sadness, bitterness, rage, jealousy, etc. you name it...and then all of a sudden, whamo, acceptance just kind of snuck in there. It feels a lot better, definitely.<P>Then there's the fun of moving on as an independent person, making new friends, renewing old friendships, and even the fun of flirting with a guy again...and I didn't think THAT was in the cards for me yet either...<P>So, when a million people on this board say you'll feel better in time, believe them, hang on to that thought, and you'll get there...maybe sooner than you think.<P>(((((NELL))))))<P>Take care...<P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>I am woman...hear me roar...okay - meow...okay - purr? Hey, I'm working on it.

I know what you mean, i recieve a few papers from my wife attorney.. and now i get a sick feeling every time i check the mail. And i thought i was going to have to leave work the day i saw it in the paper.<P>Try and keep a positive outlook, i know it is hard.<BR>things will get better with time.<BR>Good luck and GOD bless<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.