After successfully chasing my wife out of our marriage (wasn't easy, believe me), Friday we will be divorced. I found out tonight that her heart isn't that hard after all. We had a good talk that was brief, but I think she is entertaining the idea of a possible future reconciliation. We just need to get rid of this tired relationship, and start again. Patience is my ally, which is interesting to me because it is my downfall most of the time. I finally convinced her that I do love her, will wait, have let her go, and want the best for her. Damn! Why couldn't I have done that two months ago? God's will, I suppose. He wants us to be married, but not like this. I GET IT! I GET IT! Anyway, I've got to get up at 4:00 and go to my crappy job...yea! GnomedePlume, are you out there? We need to hook up...going to be a long journey, and I'd appreciate a like-minded friend to walk there with me.

Have you actually tried to Plan A your wife? Your chances at reconciliation will be much stronger....<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Of course the subject title caught my attention! <P>My ex and I used to joke about that movie "That Old Feeling" saying that we'd get back together *One Day* later down the road... <P>However, in my case, I became involved with someone else and certainly did not **stand** for my marriage. I do think it's possible though. <P>I'm sure you've heard/read about Gavin and Pattie McCloud (Gavin, from the Love Boat)?? She joined a prayer group and began praying for Gavin to come home, despite their divorce. She put his slippers by the bed, and had a Bible engraved with his name. And she waited. He did come home, and they have a stronger new marriage built on the Lord.<P>I hope your W's heart does soften and that you rebuild a wonderful marriage. I think it's neato when that happens.

No, I got here too late, and am still absorbing plan a concepts, not really sure how to proceed, although I improvised a pretty good something last night by detaching and telling her the same things from that point of view. I was DBing without good results, and realized that I need to include God's plan it this...duh! DBing is pretty hardline, and our problems are somewhat different than that, I think. I'm sure that Michelle would call it LRT, but I wasn't 'dark', just the opposite. Whatever, she finally said that she was 'open to' the possibility of trying in the future.<P>Anyway, I had not heard about the McClouds, but that is similar to what I have begun on my own after going here:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>http://www.restorem.org</A> <BR>That is what has given me hope/strength. I am sorry to hear about how things turned out, but I do hope it makes you all happy, which is the most important thing.<P>Thank you both for posting. It means a lot to me now. I am waiting for STBX to pick me up to sign the papers. She will file on Friday....INSTANT DIVORCE. Whoah! I am very nervous about it. I want to handle it just right. That impression will be on her mind a lot, and mine, too. I want to avoid making it a bad one...I'd like her to 'wonder' what I am thinking, and I'm not sure what to expect from her. I will post later with results, I hope. Take care.

Hi waiting,<P>I don't quite understand how your wife can divorce you so quickly? Can't you fight it or at least delay it?<P>Plan A has some similarities to the Restore Ministries program, without the spiritual/religious overtones. <P>Personally, I prefer Marriage Builders, but there's no reason why you can't work at both programs - they are compatible, if you spiritually match the Restore Ministry beliefs.<P>Plan A is about taking responsiblity for your part and obligations in your marriage and becoming the best "you" that you can be. It involves avoiding Love Busters - things that annoy your spouse, and attempting to learn and fill your spouses emotional needs. <P>Good luck.

She got the divorce so quickly because it is no-fault, and we lied about the separation date. I did that in exchange for the house, which I would've gotten anyway, and 50/50 custody, which I would've gotten anyway. She was, I believe, being advised to charge mental cruelty in order to speed things up, and get what she wanted. I decided to simply let her wrong me. That is the Christian aspect from my perspective. I am not chasing her anymore. It's tiresome, and drives her further from me. She was denied Section 8 apartment one block away, and now her 'master plan' has sprung major leaks. I've invited her to stay with me, and she seems to be accepting that, which is ironic, because our Priest asked her on Tuesday to do a legal separation first, and she refused. I think it is best for everyone to let her do what she wants now, and not stand in her way. I have been making deposits, (and some withdrawals, unfortunately) and I am working on being the best me I can. That was the general gist I got from reading about plan a. What I meant was, I hadn't thought about it in specific terms. I have read His Needs, Her Needs, and Divorce Busters, The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work, and I did think about our 'love busters', I have done a few 180s from DBing, and now I am going somewhat dark, and I am taking control of our interactions. She wanted to talk about custody this morning in the car, and I said I couldn't discuss it now, but that I would let her know when we could. (The car is a place where we argue a lot. So is the kitchen. I don't discuss things in either place any more.)

Hmmmm...I think you need to settle on a single specific plan of action....<P>It sounds like you are picking something from each plan, and in someways, sounds like you might be contradicting yourself.<P>It's great that she may have to live with you...you can practice a very strong plan A!<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

That about sums it up, yes. I tend to want to try to do too much all at the same time, that's what got me in this mess in the first place. Fixing my career, finances, and house are what I need to do now. The money thing is really bad now. I'm not sure Illinois will even allow a divorce under these financial circumstances. I am being set up to be a deadbeat dad, and I don't need that grief right now. My job is not going well, either. I am concentrating on fixing that, and quitting for a better one. The house things, I can do little, except clean, and minor (spelled free) repairs, but she's there seeing it all, which is good. The only other thing to do is pray, and have faith. I appreciate your experienced, objective viewpoint. Today, I am working on specifics. Take care.<P><p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited May 17, 2001).]

Guess who didn't file the divorce today? I don't know what is up, but every day that goes by without that paperwork being filed is one day closer to reconciliation. (Okay, same for if it is filed, but....)

Okay, don't post. I understand, but check this out...I did everything she wanted...I signed all papers, let her stay here when she was declined Section 8 housing (should've been a big red flag for her, but...), and now the judge refused to dissolve the marriage. This plan a requires you to have no financial leeway at all, but:<BR>1. I am still married to my dream girl (possessed by aliens, maybe, but...)<BR>2. She still lives here.<BR>3. ALL friends, and relatives support me.<BR>4. Children, too.<BR>5. Do you need a #5?<P>Put Jesus in charge of your life...love the agape way, be patient...pray. That's all there is to it. Do it, if you want to WIN.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited May 20, 2001).]

Good boy!! <P>Keep on loving that wife of yours!! <P>How's that?

I'll just repeat what I said before:<P>You need to pick a plan and follow it. Plan A would be a great place to start.<P>Your work is just barely beginning - your marriage is not saved by virtue of the fact that she is forced financially to stay with you. <P>You have been given a chance...now use it!

You sound like you've got it all *figured out* at least from her perspective... remember, it takes time to demonstrate sustainability to the changes you want to make. If you're in it for the long-haul... now's the time to not look in the rear-view mirror any longer and look DIRECTLY in the mirror at yourself and be the MAN you KNOW you can be and that she absolutely cannot live without - like give that dream girl her PRINCE! Basically, keep your eyes on HIM and follow HIM... [the Lord]. Keep your expectations in check... so you're not in for a down fall...<P>Remember what Bramble Rose has stated... you've been given a chance. Maximize it!<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

P.S. I just re-read your original post and darn if I don't sound a lot like you with chasing your spouse out of the marriage and patience being the major lesson here! <P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Yes, that's it! I understand what you are both saying. I am doing just that. I am actually following a plan.<BR>1. Fix self-esteem issues.<BR>2. Get career back on track.<BR>3. Get house in order.<BR>4. Take care of her needs.<BR>5. Recognize and use opportunities to move it forward.<BR>I have chosen my actions based on this, and my spirituality has guided my efforts, and provided this opportunity. I hear you both, believe me, I do. She is not aware of how I take what she does, but I AM. Getting better at it. (She provides me with MUCH PRACTICE!) LOL, NOT COL! I have been blessed with much Grace and support in this matter, and I don't see blowing it as an option. I sensed that from your thread, too. I appreciate the time and concern you have provided to me. Yes, I do seem to be much further behind than most here, but this is not that new in my marriage, just that it never went this far before, you know? (I'm sure you do.) We have been married half of our lives right now. It explains Teri's mindset quite well. I think that by being that man, she will see that there is another, more powerful mindset available, and we will work it out together. She's home now, I've got to go to work. Take care, I'll be back later.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by waiting_for_her:<BR><B>Yes, that's it! I understand what you are both saying. I am doing just that. I am actually following a plan.<BR>1. Fix self-esteem issues.<BR>2. Get career back on track.<BR>3. Get house in order.<BR>4. Take care of her needs.<BR>5. Recognize and use opportunities to move it forward.<BR>I have chosen my actions based on this, and my spirituality has guided my efforts, and provided this opportunity.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow, good thinking! I like your goal list. Well, it's a bit big... can you break it down into attainable and measurables a bit more and maybe squeeze it into a time frame a bit? Sorry, I'm into log-frames and so I LOVE goals but need them do-able and results-oriented.<P>Here are my goals: (I'm borrowing from you some here)<BR>1) Fix lovebusting behavior (predominantly disrespectful judgment which results in expectations and ends up with angry outbursts) <P>2) Fix self-esteem issues (reading Henri Nouwen's book <I>The Inner Voice of Love: journey through anguish to freedom</I> - I highly recommend it... I'm also reading <I>Tired of Trying to Measure Up</I> by Jeff VanVonderen - also excellent<P>3) Forget about career right now... well, think about it but get my priorities in order. Take baby steps in keeping my professional contacts and development current.<P>4) Focus on the kids, kids, kids... and help identify and meet their emotional needs - making sustainable changes to my LBing behavior towards them also.<P>5) Work on being *friends* with H - one he desires to sit and be with. I'm letting go of the romantic notion of our relationship as that's been gone for a long time. But, he is an amazing person and I just want to get to know him for him and not who I THINK HE SHOULD/COULD be... this will be a tough one for me!<P>6) Learn how to manifest the characteristics of a Human BEing rather than my typical Human DOing traits. Let someone else be *in charge* for a while and decide what works for me and the kids rather than CREATE my future and be proactive leaving collateral damage in my relationship all along the way.<P>7) Keep my eyes on the LORD and TRUST in Isaiah 54 and Jeremiah 29: 11+ - Love God and Love others as myself!<P>Cheers friend... keep on keeping on!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Thank you so much for that. I am painting a broad stoke, and I've never been able to plan things out like that, but I am taking those actions, as well. Particularly avoiding the LBs...not doing something I said I would...big one. Money is part of the LBing, too. I have ruined our budget by not making enough, and I spent a whole paycheck taking my son to his state wrestling tournament. That's when the dam broke, so career is for me, and ALL of them.<P>Tuesday is the day of the divorce according to my wife. She can't find our marriage certificate, and thinks I have it. I don't think I do, but I need to find it.<P>Are you 'overseas', or am I reading too much into your handle? Anyway, you seem like you are on top of things, your H is lucky, even if he can't see it now. I pray for your success. I like Isaiah 41:10 for shoring me up when I'm blue. Take care, and thank you again.

Hi... I was overseas... lived in E. Europe for the past six years until my H decided marriage was over. We returned to the US a splintered family. Just now trying to figure this mess out. H doesn't think he's lucky... thinks he's very unlucky to have been saddled to a HORSE like me (stubborn not in size ). Whatever... having a cynical day today so maybe I should just stay away from the boards today. H is so unreasonable sometimes... <P>Good luck on finding your marriage certificate... I have no idea where ours is either!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Don't be so sure about what your husband thinks. I am pretty gray today, too. I am going to have to file bankrupcy, which is not exactly a good plan A from my perspective, but Teri has intimated that she feels we should (this was a year ago, when we still spoke about such things). My job stinks, and I make half what I did a year ago. It all conspires to make me feel...well, like I am exactly the failure that Teri sees me as. I HATE THAT! Anyway, how is he unreasonable right now? I find my wife's peace to be unreasonable. I find her ability to turn off a switch that she claims doesn't exist unnerving. I find it all too whatever. You know, I'm lookig for someone's head to fall off, or a giant purple spider to attack a building, or to realize I have no pants on...anyhting that I usually use to realize that this is just a bad dream, and that I will wake up drenched in sweat next to her. Okay, back to reality. I applied for a job 3 miles from home. I hope I get it, it would work out so well for me. At the very beginning of this, I interviewed there, and I was so sure I had nailed it, but....

Oh good luck on the job search...<P>The dream sequence made me laugh. I can relate to being caught with your pants down... eek! How awful and vulnerable is that. The purple spider is a new visual for me! <P>Anyway, do what you need to do to get yourself feeling good about yourself again. How about your faith? What are you doing to nurture that? I'm convinced sustainable peace can only be found through that route...<P>Be careful on condemning yourself... yes, we all make choices - some good some not so good. Well, today is the first day of the rest of your life. Carpe diem my friend!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once