******<p>[This message has been edited by denise_1 (edited 03-09-99).]

denise-1, your h's behaviour is definantly not a 40s thing. imho, the bad behaviour sounds like it's mental condition needing medical treatment. perhaps prozac would help. for many years i had a bad temper, i was never as abusive as your h but i was frequently losing my temper. now that i take prozac i never lose it. i have never been so in control of myself. it's a miracle. your h may also be manic/depressive which is easily controlled with drugs. in any event i feel confident there's a drug that will help him. of course you two should get some counselling to resolve any problems that may be contributing to his behavior. i suggest you not let him move back in until he has taken some action to get his temper under control. to do otherwise would put you in danger. doctors now are much more willing to prescribe drugs to help control this behaviour. try it. good luck.

denise,<p>You said that your husband had a past that most woman would walk away from: that was probably a warning.<p>It sounds like your husband needs the help of a psychiatrist/psychologist. If this change really was "dramatic", it could be the response to a biological change. A doctor would be able to help trace this down. If this is a pattern in his relationships (intimacy followed by abuse), it's probably an ingrained psychological problem that he needs help to work through.<p>There's nothing wrong with missing him and still loving him. You've done the right thing in separating from him: he shouldn't be around while he's a danger to you and your kids. As to whether you should trust him: you will need him to consistantly prove to you his trustworthiness. And you should be dealing with a marriage counselor trained in abusive relationships: this situation needs to be very carefully monitored and controlled for your family's safety. It's one thing to have a cheating spouse come home and cheat again: it's another to allow an abusive spouse to return too early and find the family dead.<p>Be very careful, and find a professional therapist who can help you with all this. If your husband is unwilling to take these steps, I suggest that you remain separated without any contact from him, until you feel that it's time for divorce.

denise1: <br>When you think of this relationship in your mind ask yourself these questions:<br>Is it possible that he will change and stop abusing me mentally and physically? (Look at the pattern of your relationship with him and the pattern of his life.)<br>Can I live in an abusive relationship for the rest of my life? How is this going to affect my children? Does he really love me? Does he give me the companionship in our marriage that I deserve? Does he treat me with the respect that I deserve?<br>Obviously the answer to most of the above questions is "No!" <br>This is a decision that only you can make. It sounds like it's time to move on. It's time put some priorities together and make some lasting, finial decisions. The importance of you having self respect and self worth are more important than anything. Don't let him take that from you!!!! <br>PLEASE remember that you deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to know that the man in your life will not abuse you, but cherish you.<p><p><p>[This message has been edited by Hunt1 (edited 03-09-99).]

Dear frankie,<br>Thanks so much for your response. I had to remove my post because of him seeing it, which would cause another burst of anger. However, I needed someone to reply with the same thoughts I had. He has a history of drug use along time ago. In attempt to never have this problem again he will not take any kind of medicine, he even has a problem with Tylenol. I don't have a problem with this because after all drug addiction is something that is avoided at all cost.I have attended counseling alone (he was invited). He will not admit he has a problem.<br>I am interested in knowing more about your story.Please reply

TO MY VERY DEAR FRIEND HUNT1:<br>I see you made it into work today and the snow didn't stop you from still worrying and caring about my situation.I took your advise and told him no when he stopped by last night. He's already called twice today to see if I needed a ride to work.One minute he very kind and next....well. I've read where other women as well as myself have been advised to stay seperated till changes are made or progress can be noted. And that's what I must do. I feel that h and I have not talked enough and I must explain to him why we must stay seperated.Maybe if he realizes that I mean what I say that he'll stop and think about all this.Thanks again for your friendship and being there when I needed someone.

Yes, I made it in despite the snow. Only one problem, no one to go to the side walk with :-( I should of stayed at home!!<br>I just want you to know that it is a pleasure being your friend. I know that through the power of prayer you will over come the situation that you are in. I KNOW IT! Though you may not realize it right now,but you are too strong, too smart and too good of a gal to go through what you do. I know that all of this is slowing coming to surface for you and I am proud of you. <br>I can't tell you enough how PROUD of you I am! You did the right thing last night! Keep it up! <br>Your forever friend and side walk buddy, <br>Hunt1

Dear K,<br>You're right, his past should have been a warning. He was so honest with me about everything in his past except this.I felt that everyone has a right to be loved and have a second chance. After all he seemed to have so much love for me.I really saw an effort that he wanted to change and make a better life for himself. We've been married for three years now. I'm still puzzled why he waited two years to start this stuff.<br>I called his x-wife of a ten year marriage. Same problem just a re-run of my situation.<br>She never could figure it out either.She thought because they had to get married at 18 that the problems came from there.She also stated at times he could be so kind and caring but she never knew what to expect when she got home from work. Kindness or anger.<br>Thanks so much for your reply. At a time like this I need to know someone out there cares. I've been so contolled that I feel alone now.<br>I need support to stand my ground and be the strong woman I know I can be.