Good morning everyone! Before I start my day, I was doing more reading. Funny thing that I have noticed - the more I try to help others on this board or others - the better I deal with my own life emotionally. Anyone else noticed that? I've been kinda feeling that I was spending way too much time reading and responding, and that it was taking away from my "real life" - but I think for now, its what I need to do to keep my head on straight. Otherwise, I'll completely lose it and then get even less done!! <P>Anyway, since everyone liked "Detachment with Love" - here's something on "Communication". Again, it's written for Al-Anon (for spouses and relatives of alcoholics) but there is no reason these principles can't and don't apply in every day life in all kinds of relationships.<P>Enjoy!! (((hugs)))<P>******************<BR><B>Five Guides to Communication</B><BR><I>(Adapted from "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage", Page 30-32)</I><P>Discuss don't attack <BR>Keep the voice low and pleasant <BR>Stick to the subject <BR>Listen to his/her complaints <BR>Don't make demands <P><B>A Key Word in Communication - Courtesy</B><BR><I>(From the Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, Page 35)</I><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>"People with usually good dispositions have no difficulty being courteous to strangers and friends. It is when our strong emotions are involved that we swing to the limits of the pendulum - extremes of demonstrating affection or disapproval. We are so deeply involved that we treat those closest to us as though they were a part of us; when they do things that do not please us, we fight them instead of fighting our own shortcomings." <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Keeping in mind the word 'courtesy' helps to remind us that our loved one is other things besides a possession for us to own and control. He is a man, a person, an individual; he is a man who does a job, earns a living. He is a helping hand to his friends in need. He is a person whose experiences in life are different than our own; he has a heart, mind, soul, feelings and emotions. He is a person to be respected as a child of his Higher Power (God), to be considerate of, to treat always with courtesy.<P><B>Courtesy generates courtesy. </B><P><BR>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I><p>[This message has been edited by BrambleRose (edited May 16, 2001).]

I love this stuff!! <P>My grandfather was an alcoholic, my mother is just overall addictive, like me (if it wasn't one thing, it was another: alcohol, rec drugs, sex, food). But she suggested once that I should attend al-anon groups, as we have a family history of alcoholism. <P>I am finding so many interesting thoughts from you BR. Thanks for making me think! Boy, my head hurts! <p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited May 16, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Discuss don't attack <BR>Keep the voice low and pleasant <BR>Stick to the subject <BR>Listen to his/her complaints <BR>Don't make demands <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>BR, since my stxw can't do any of these 5 things are you saying she's not a good communicator? he he<P>I do all 5 of these pretty religiously and it just jerks my wife off. She wants to argue, I guess in her mind it makes our marriage seem bad and she can get the justification for her divorce. I refuse to argue and I think that I'm starting to see a little reward for biting my tongue. I think she is starting to feel a little bit of guilt and maybe she's peeking under the fog a tiny bit.<P>And yes I think that posting on this sight has been very therapudic (sp?) for me. Some days I'm feel like I'm really helping someone and on the days when I need help I feel as through I am truly loved and accepted here.<P>Have a good day.<P>Love, Bill<P><P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

Hi <B>Sheryl</B> - I love this stuff - I am such a better person today than I was a year ago, because of Al-Anon. I think that without it, I might still be a very angry, afraid, dependent, bitter, fearful, hysterical woman.<P>Some where along the line I started to transform into someone alot more healthy!! <P>I hope you try it out - it's amazing how much alcoholism affects families. In my family, my parents didn't drink. But they were both children of raging alcoholic fathers. What many don't realize is that alcoholism is more than a physical addiction...its an emotional and spiritual dysfunction too...and it gets passed down generation to generation, even if the physical addiction doesn't. <P>So while I grew up in a booze free home.....I'm the oldest of 10 children. The 5 oldest of us are all either married to alcoholics...or are alcoholics themselves. Very telling, huh? My younger siblings still are a question mark...hopefully they will not follow our paths!<P><B>LostHusband</B> - your wife gets angry when you do this because it doesn't enable her. You aren't cooperating by giving her justification for bad behavior! I hope you do better than I did. I still lose my temper and blow it far too often.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

BrambleRose,<P>Speak of the devil I just got off the phone with Lucifer, oops, I mean my wife. She knows that the girls and I are leaving town for the weekend, Friday at 5:00pm. <P>She said that she wanted to pick up the rest of the items from my house on Friday. This would include us having to go through all of the pictures, pretties, tapes, and everything. Probably a two day effort anyway. I simply said you know the girls and I are leaving Friday. She blew up and started cussing me out. I said OK that's fine the girls and I will just wait until Saturday morning to leave. She says "Hell no, then it will just be my fault like everything else". Well we left it that I will have the rest of the furnishing ready for her and we should be able to load her up in about 30 minutes.<P>2 Points:<BR>1. I don't have any court orders yet that say I have to give her squat, but I should have them by Monday.<BR>2. Her behaviour is her fault.<P>I just kill her with kindness.<P>Bill<P>PS. I've only had one slip up in the last month and that was because she was lying and I just can't stand lying. Stumbling drunk, slurring her speach, smelled like an ashtray and tried to tell me she was at Wal-Mart. The truth came out after I lost my temper.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>PS. I've only had one slip up in the last month and that was because she was lying and I just can't stand lying<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Then you are lucky you arent married to my spouse. He simply has to open his mouth and lies come out. 100% of the time. No joke. It's taken me 14 years to come to acceptance, and even then I'm still shakey about it. I'll be years getting rid of my anger over lies...

It seems the the lie bug hit my wife about 3 months ago and I mean nothing makes me madder than a lie. So now she's moved out, divorced has been filed, and she is still spinning stories.<P>I learned to accept that this is not my wife and I have 12 great years of memories with my wife. This alien in her body is only temporary. Some day she'll wake up and see the damage she's done. I admit that there are a lot of issues that I should have worked on but I can look myself in the mirror everyday and be happy with myself.<P>Well time to go. Have a good evening.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-