DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE ANY WORDS OF WISDOM FOR US? MY ORIGINAL POST FOLLOWS:<P>Hi,<BR>My wife and I have been married for 8 years...and we built our wonderful log home right next to my parents. Extended family bliss! Or so we thought. But my parents have broken many of the boundary rules, especially my mother - not knocking when she comes over, bringing in the mail when we are not home, etc. My dad has adjusted quite well to the new order and respects that we are a seperate family...but my mother resents the fact that she cannot "bond" with my wife on her terms.<BR>My mother is a very needy person, seeking love and acceptance at every turn...is a fine christian woman but cannot admit to any faults (never angry, always does things in your best interest,etc). She is hurt by my wifes attempts to set some boundaries. And of course that irritates my wife even more.<BR>There are so many "issues" between my wife and my mother now that they do not even like each other....and blame the other for the lack of a relationship. My wife feels caught living right next door, because she feels we are always being watched and that we have to answer to where we have been; what we are doing.<BR>We have a 5 year old son, who we adopted after he was our foster child. My mother expressed concern over whether we should get involved. My wife was very hurt and resents the fact to this day. My mother has not been a typical grandmother who invites her grandson over or takes him to the park. I don't know if it's because of him or my wife or if that is just the way my mother is. My father is just a wonderful grandpa and our son just loves him!!!! He is always asking to run over to grandpa's.<BR>Anyway, the relationship between my mother and my wife has become a major issue in our marriage. ( There are a few other issues that are also big sticking points in our marriage... we are both very stubborn first borns; we have struggled with infertility: I am a loner who likes time to himself; my wife is always busy doing something and wants to have me involved with her: she worries a lot and wants to discuss every detail....there is always a problem to talk about and sometimes that problem is me! We argue, we yell...she even left for a night.)<BR>I am frustrated and tired. I have plenty of resentment toward both my wife and my mother because they cannot treat each other with respect. My wife has been very cold to my mother for obvious reasons. I just wish she could forgive and move on. My wife is a pessimist...and sees the negatives...the world is out to get her...she thinks she doesn't deserve to be happy...so most days she will find something to prove it. I tend to make light of it all..."it's no big deal", "life goes on", be positive. So I come off as not very understanding or caring. When I am just looking for peace.<BR>I am sorry this is so long. <BR>We are reading through Dr.Harley's Basic Concepts and I ordered the books. My wife has agreed to take the questionares.<BR>But she voiced tonight how she is not comfortable living here...almost like it was a threat.<BR>Can someone give me some advice?<BR>Thanks<BR>Dowz<p>[This message has been edited by Dowz (edited 03-12-99).]

Dowz,<p>You're going down the right road: you've ordered the books and are starting on identifying the problems (lovebusters and unmet needs). You may want to find a marriage counselor who can coach you through this process as well (although there are plenty of coaches here, none of us are professionals).<p>One of the key points in your marriage will be to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement: you need to reach a mutually enthusiastic agreement on everything you do. Including Mom...<p>As a practical, learned-through-trauma piece of advice; you should always support your wife before anyone else. Even if you disagree with her point of view, you need to learn how to negotiate about the issue (rather than be disrespectful). You will make many deposits in the love bank through this method (includes dealing with children too).<p>You're pissed with the way your Mom treats your wife and vice versa. I suggest to you that you have no control over either situation. Learn to treat your wife with the love and respect that she deserves. The two of you should come up with boundaries (and enforcements) for Mom (using the POJA). Then you need to treat your mother with love, kindness, and FIRMNESS. She may not like that, but don't let that effect you. Change your locks if you have to. Move away if this doesn't work. These are all valid options. But if your wife and you learn to work as a loving team, you'll probably find that this obstacle isn't as big as it appears to be now.

Dowz,<p>My H and I are in the same boat as you and your wife. All of K's advise was excellent. My husband is supportive of me in every way. His mother is really a card! His Dad minds his own business mostly. My MIL would come in our house and go thru our mail with us standing there. She would get our mail out of the box to bring to us and open some of it. Needless to say my husband had to get really firm with her and she agreed that she would not do those things anymore. We have our lives on this side and they have theirs on their side...however I feel like your wife..I feel they are always looking over at us and taking notes on what we do or dont do. His mother is constantly wanting him to do things for her, when he needs to be doing stuff for his own family. We get along when we stay to ourselves. His dad has just recently retired so this will occupy most of his moms time. My husband told me that we could move if I wanted, but I feel selfish because we really cant afford to move now. but just the fact that he told me he would be willing to made me feel great and that he loves me. Living next to in-laws is not something that couples should do, but if ther e is no choice then compromise is a must. I had started to feel like I hated his mother for her interfering. I had to take a look at myself and realize that this hate was destroying me and my husband. I prayed alot! <br>Someday I do want to move, but only when it is good for everyone and not just because I insist on it.

Jq and K,<br>Thank you for your responses. It is good to know that there are others dealing with the same issues.<br>My wife and I have other things to sort through in our relationship. It is difficult to know where to begin. We will be doing the questionares and then see what needs to be talked about first. <br>We have had plenty of arguments about our needs not being met. (Always the "Takers" doing the talking.) Sometimes, one of us just gives in and does what the spouse wants....but I think we have a lot of pent-up resentment about who has given the most (or given-in the most!). We are both very tired of the battles.<br>There is something called the 'principle of least interest' ...the one who cares the least has the control. I seem to be the one who is less enthusiastic about most things. Nothing is a big deal to me...or it seems that way because everything is a big deal to my wife.<br>We have to get at the root of our differences or one of us is going to just one day give up.<br>Living next to my parents has not been helpful. Though they do come in handy sometimes when something needs fixing. I know at this point my wife can care less if we ask them to ever help us with anything.<br>I do feel bad for my father...who, for the most part, has respected our wishes. I think if my mother could just change, or if she would not have interfered in her own manipulative ways everything could work out. I wish the slate could be whipped clean of all of the past wrongs. Forgiveness is made for the hurts that others have caused you; their behavior. But, when it is "who" they are and not neccessarily "what" they have done that is the problem, then that requires acceptance. You don't have to be best friends to accept someone.<br>I guess the issue of what to do when you live next door to your parents or in-laws is not as simple as I first thought. We all say that we will be different, that we can handle it. That our family would not act so stupid! But it does happen to the best of families and if you are not prepared for the conflict it can eat relationships alive!<br>Applying the policy of joint agreement where this is concerned will be a challenge!<br>Anyone else with advice please respond.<br>Thank you,<br>Dowz<p>[This message has been edited by Dowz (edited 03-10-99).]

DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE ANY WORDS OF WISDOM? WE WOULD LIKE TO HERE FROM OTHER COUPLES FACING THE SAME PROBLEM.<P>DOWZ