Okay--I've been kind of quiet lately, and that's because I've been busy at work and at home. Did I tell you'all? We are moving into a new house on the 24th--closing tomorrow--so we are into the heavy packing stage. Anyway, my body has been busy, but my mind has been thinking.<P>On Monday night we got the news that our loan had been accepted and our new house was financed, so we were going to celebrate. We had a little bit of a date/celebration planned, and out-of-the-blue one of his guy friends called (who my H was kind of waiting to hear from), and he and my H decided to scrap OUR plans so they could get together!! I was a little pissed, but mostly SAD that he was just blow me off like that. He said, "Well, hey, why don't you come along with us? I would enjoy being with you and I wouldn't be so lonely" and I did--but see if you can guess what I did. I sat alone while "the boys" talked and played and did their boy-things. Right then and there, I realized a boundary that I needed to set. I was not going to accept being just blown off anymore; and that if he did choose to blow me off, a) I was going to continue with the plans we had made--just go on my own, and b) I was NOT going to bale him out by going with him. If he decides to blow me off, I am not going to sooth his "loneliness". When I do go with him, it just sends him the message that it's okay to ignore me and make me less important than his friends--right?<P>Tuesday night we had a bit of a talk about why I was upset about being blown off, and why I was grieving about all the other women. I told him that it was because all along I had thought that we were married and so I was specially loved by him. Now don't get me wrong--I suspected all along, but he also denied and lied, so I kind of believed him because I wanted to believe I was loved. Anyway, what's in the past is indeed over, but I am feeling grief now because the illusion of being special and being his only love is gone. He seemed to understand somewhat, but he also kept pulling the conversation to how HE felt bad that he ever brought it up and how he'd never make that kind of mistake again, and how I was making him feel guilty, and how I was making him feel bad because he told the truth. <P>So last night I had a fairly decent epiphany, I think, and it's all thanks to the Backstreet Boys Now, all jokes about a 39yo woman listening to Backstreet Boys aside, I had just purchased the Millenium CD the day my H left back in Feb 2000. One of the old songs on that CD used to be one of my favorites: "I'll be The One" The lyrics are basically "I'll be The One--when you feel like there's nowhere to run. I'll be the light...I'll be The One to hold you and make sure that you'll be alright... I can show you what true love means--just take my hand baby please."<P>So, I'm listening to this old CD, feeling a bit nostalgic, and I realized that I could be The One for my H! I could be the one to show him what true love is! I could be The One when he needs someone to turn to and be his light at the end of the tunnel! Cool--that's what my "job" is here. Now I have an idea of what it is I'm supposed to be doing--like a direction--and that's cool because I can figure out how to behavior based on my goal and direction. YAY! So I'm all excited and I wanted to talk to him about it a little and say some stuff that I thought would be all loving and reassuring to him, but of course he didn't want to talk. <P>So...today I've been at work, busier than busy testing a new software version, but just feeling blue. And I know exactly what I'm blue about. Who will be The One for me? I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but I have had a long, sad life with very little love--I was abused by my parents and at 25yo, I married (and you know how that has gone)! I feel like I could just blossom like a stunning flower if someone were to love me, but who is that? <P>That's why I asked that philosophical question, and to be honest, I'm still pondering some of the answers. I realize that God did not "promise" that we would feel happy or be loved, but I just do wonder if the day will ever come that I get to have someone be The One for me. <P>Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Hi CJ!<P>I can certainly relate to you, although my H is long gone with 99.999999+% chance that he'll never return. And I always was THE ONE for him....and sorta got lost in the process.<P>You see, I think in a relationship, you BOTH have to be the ones for each other....otherwise it's lopsided and leaves one person sorta feeling like a doormat once in a while! <P>In January of this year, I had finally made the decision to stop hoping and move on (which I had been already) with my life....my own thoughts, hopes, dreams....as fuzzy as they were. At that time, I took of my wedding ring, took all his pics down off the walls, put all my marriage/wedding stuff in the attic, and decided to start over. It was hard, but it was a good decision.<P>One day as I was praying, I had a "ephiphany" to read Isaiah 54. Now while I SHOULD know my Bible better, I had no idea what it was about. So I turned there and realized that for now...maybe not forever....God was gonna "be the One" for me. My heart's desire is the same as yours: I too want someone who will be the one for me. But for now, it's gonna be the Lord.<P>Go read that chapter...it's a good one and has filled me with hope and promise. We, each one of us, should be able to have "the one" in our lives...we don't necessarily deserve it, it wasn't promised to us.....but I think that's how God created us...to be in relationship and to have a desire for one other intimate person....that's just my read.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O

<B>{CJ}</B><P>Oh how I wish I had the words you need to hear, CJ.<P>For right now, you need to be that one. You need to love yourself, because you are special and stunning and wonderful. I hope that something can make your husband see what a treasure you really are, but for right now, you need to find a way to love yourself.<P>Take care CJ...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited May 17, 2001).]

((((((((((((CJ))))))))))))),<P>This is so tough, CJ. You've chosen a really really tough path to follow - I both admire you and feel helpless to help. You have so much love to give that man and my heart breaks for you when it is not being returned in kind.<P>Be as strong as you can, for as long as you can...but not one more day than that. Hopefully, he'll come around before you get tired of holding up both ends of your marriage.<P>Thinking of you...<P>Lisa

CJ,<P>Since I dug out my cheat sheet link file...<BR>Here's a few for you...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If the feeling of remorse is not actually felt by a (wayward) spouse, it is not recommended to have a reluctant apology (page 84 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Four rules to guide marital recovery<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL> <BR>(7) - The Rule of Protection<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness. (page 90 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Love busters: the most obvious way to destroy love<BR>Angry outbursts<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When anger wins, love loses. (page 92 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Disrespectful judgments<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever someone tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on someone else. (page 93 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Selfish demands<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When one spouse wins and the other loses, the marriage loses. (page 96 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Thoughtless decisions: a less obvious way to destroy love<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>... Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. (page 97 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Thoughtfulness: the objective of marital negotiation<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If a couple are committed to avoid any decision until they come to a mutually enthusiastic agreement, eventually they learn how to negotiate. (page 98 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>How to negotiate with the policy of joint agreement<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> Set ground rules to make negotiation pleasant and safe.<BR><LI> Identify the problem from the perspective of both you and your spouse.<BR><LI> Brainstorm solutions with abandon.<BR><LI> Choose a solution that is appealing to both of you.<BR></OL> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If your negotiation becomes unpleasant or unsafe to either of you, break it off and choose another time to discuss the issue. (page 100 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you can begin with an understanding that a solution cannot be chosen until you have enthusiastic agreement, you will be amazed at how quickly you can find agreement. (page 103 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It is recommended to couples that they learn to say something like, I'm not very enthusiastic about this situation, will you negotiate with me? (page 104 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>The policy of joint agreement offers complete protection<BR>The policy of joint agreement creates a compatible lifestyle<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When a couple create a lifestyle that they each enjoy and appreciate, they build compatibility into their marriage. (page 106 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>You can be the greatest cause of your spouse's unhappiness<BR>(8) - The Rule of Care<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 110 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Learing to meet each other's emotioanl needs in marriage is far less complicated than going throughthe agonizing ritual of affairs and divorce. (page 111 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> The Rule of Care - step 1: Identify the most important emotional needs<BR><LI> The Rule of Care - step 2: Become an expert at meeting the most important emotional needs<BR></OL><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You must ask if you want to know where to put your greatest effort. (page 113 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Couples who focus their attention on each other's top five emotional needs have a sensational marriage. (page 115 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We can't meet our most important emotional needs ourselves - other must meet them for us. (page 117 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>A good marriage becomes almost effortless when spouses develop habits that meet each other's needs. (page 118 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>A positive suggestion is much more encouraging than critisim. (page 119 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Meet each other's needs in ways that are mutually enjoyable<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Never expect your spouse to suffer or sacrafice so that your need can be met. (page 120 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>You can be the cause of your spouse's greatest happiness<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You must be each other's greatest source of happiness if you want to have a successful marriage. (page 121 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Feedback from your spouse as to how you are doing at meeting his or her emotional needs is absolutely essential in your becoming an expert. (page 122 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>(9) - The Rule of Time<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention. (page 127 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The right way to meet all important emotional needs is to schedule time to meet them all. (page 130 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Spouses need to be emotionally connected on almost a daily basis to sustain their love for each other. (page 131 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Scheduling time for undivided attention<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>A couple's love for each other cannot be created or sustained without time for undivided attention. (page 133 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It is recommended that couples schedule the same hours week after week to be alone with your spouse. (page 133 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Recreational companionship<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Couples often make the fatal mistakes of going their separate ways when an activity becomes boring to one of the spouses. (page 135 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>(10) - The Rule of Honesty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse. (page 139 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Emotional Honesty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Emotional Honesty:</B> Reveal your emotional reactions - both positive and negative - to the events of your life, particularly to your spouse's behavior. (page 140 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Historical Honesty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Historical Honesty:</B> Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure. (page 142 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Current Honesty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Current Honesty:</B> Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse. (page 143 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Future Honesty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Future Honesty:</B> Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives. (page 145 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Complete Honesty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Complete Honesty:</B> Do not leave your spouse with a false impression about your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, or plans for the future. Do not deliberately keep personal information from your spouse. (page 146 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Creating an environment for honesty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You encourage homesty when you value honesty. (page 148 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Don't wrap your honesty in love busters<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you are to be honest with your spouse, you must be willing to reveal your feelings without Love Busters. (page 150 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Honesty means being persistent<BR>(11) - Managing resentment and restoring trust<BR>Living with the memory of an affair<BR>The more there is to resent, the more difficult resentment is to overcome<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An emotional reaction to a painful event fades over time, as long as the painful event is not repeated. (page 154 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Focusing on the present and future can help diminsh resentment<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When marriages recover completely, using the four rules, resentment almost always fades away. (page 157 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Avoid using resentment as a love buster<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Resentment is a feeling, and Love Busters are tempting reactions to that feeling (page 157 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Restoring trust<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Trust is the belief that our spouses will be honest with us and will protect our feelings. (page 158 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Someone unwilling to follow the Rule of Protection is unwilling to protect our feelings. (page 160 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The above is what I meant by having a plan...<BR>If you start this even on your own without you H being a willing participant, I think he may just fall in line...<P>Try to get him to agree to a little at a time...<P><B>Baby Steps</B><P>Oh I almost forgot...<B>CALL STEVE!!!</B><P> Bill <P>

CJ,<P>I'll suggest that you also read Isaiah Chapter 54...and see<BR>what it says...it will comfort you..

Wow <B>Bill</B>,<P>I'm going to bookmark your summary for me. I have 3 or 4 of the books, including SAA, but that's a nice quick list of some of the best stuff to use for reminding myself.<P><B>CJ</B>,<P>Congrats on the new house. No particular words of wisdom from me right now, but I know pretty much how you feel, and I do feel for you.<P>Steve

{{{{{CJ}}}}},<BR>I know how you feel about loneliness. I do. Like other said, you HAVE to be the ONE for yourself right now. You need to. As for someone to be the ONE for you, I want to let you know that WE will be the ONE for you in cyber space. When you feel lonely please think of us. We are your friends. <P>OOOO<BR>

(((((((((((((CJ))))))))))))))))))))<P>Since I'm a big believer in fate and what's meant to be, I have to think that if "you're meant for him", he will also be "meant for you".<P>I forget what post it was on, when we talked about he doesn't know HOW to love, I forget who told you that, maybe Gnome, but anyway, maybe he really doesn't. You'd think that by showing him your example, as in how you love him, he will love you back that way. I learned with my exH that went right over his head.<P>When the time is right and he is in the mood, you can express your love to him in ways that will wake him up . Don't try to do it too fast though, you still both need to heal and adjust and moving is a HUGE stress on a relationship too.<P>Thanks for the email this morning. Between yours and his you both make me cry!<P>(((((((BILL)))))))))<P>That was an AWESOME reply. I'm copying it down in my journal. Although for my life, I replace SPOUSE with BOYFRIEND or SO, but these rules can apply to any relationship. What's the point of being committed to one person if your not going to treat them the way these guidelines suggest. I don't know how you compiled all that, but you did a good job. I still don't bother with bolding and quotes yet! <P>Hugs, Dana

I can't take credit for my cheat sheet....NSR emailed me his cliffnotes last year....I just put them up from time to time...<P>Bill

CJ,<BR>Thank you for you candor and honesty. Nick is so right in that you need to love yourself (something I too am trying to learn) You are a wonderful person CJ!!!!!<P>Bill, thank you for your cheat sheet!<P><BR>Petrie

Hi... I can relate to the words of the CD you were talking about. But, want to be careful about those expectations... they'll kill ya (us). Anyway, you've bought a house? Wow!<P>I don't have much to say to you but I wanted you to know I'm reading along. You've been so helpful to me in the past that I wanted you to know that I'm out here - though not with much to say... in support of you!<P>Cheers friend,<BR>Nicole<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once