My wife and i have had problems and mostly because of an unsettled fear i had in the past. I was cheated on repeatedly. Once bitten twice shy. I feel we are almost completely over that now but I cant get my wife to approach me for sex. I tried to give her more time by helping ALOT around the house (that was one of her excuses) but nothing. I tried explaining to her that i need affection and that the best compliment to a man is to want him sexually but she does very little and hardly ever. What can i do to get my wife to want me sexually. I would appreciate your response. I am tired of always being the one to approach her sexually and i stopped so now neither of us makes the first move. I dont want to seem like a horny bast... but its very important to me to feel desired by her and wanted by her.

Machine:<p> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What can i do to get my wife to want me sexually.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><p>You don't know how much I wish I could answer you. I'd like to know myself!<p>Tell ya what--I'll make you a deal: If I find out first, I'll let you know. If you find out first, PLEASE let me know!!!<p>Hey, maybe then we could collaborate on a book, eh?

BIG difference between sex and affection. Men need sex to show affection and women need affection to want sex (sort of, according to His Need, Her Needs).<P>If your wife thinks you always want sex when you show some affection then anytime you show affection she will be expecting you to want sex. Just show some affection sometimes and it might make her feel a bit better.

hey thanks for your time. I did everything i could to get her active (sexually). I tried the wining and dining and helping with the kids so she'd have more time, and she does but she chooses to watch t.v. or do something that could be put off rather than using that time to bond and strengthen our relationship. I understand what your saying about showing affection and not expecting sex but its hard for me to show her any affection cause I get nothing but hugs or something like that, in return. Just so you know if it wasn't clear she was not the one to cheat on me it was woman in my past and we had problems cause of that. But like I said its better now in that way and my past doesn't really haunt me anymore. I look forward to hearing from more of you. Thanks

Machine honey, affection IS hugs or something like that. Affection, to a woman at least, is hugs, cuddling (like snuggling close with your arm around her while watching T.V. or something),non-sexual kisses, holding hands, etc. It sounds like you and your wife may have two different ideas as to what constitutes "affection". This can be a REAL problem!! If your "affection" is more sexually toned, then naturally she's going to see it as a sexual intent, not just and end in itself. Try asking her what she feels is merely "affectionate" touch, as apposed to "sexual" touch. Hope this helps!

Ok then first off I must be using the wrong term. Affection may not be appropriate. Then the problem is sex. She insists that she's not cheating or interested in cheating yet she has no interest in sex. I as a man need sex and for some strange reason sex is what makes me feel wanted by a woman. If a woman shows that she's attracted to me sexually it makes me feel good. When my wife shows no such interest this is bad. Maybe affection is not lacking (which i still think it is) but sex is definetly lacking. I appreciate your comments and it helps me alot thats to you all and Tommywife! Yet I still wait to see if my wife (who used to never ever let me sleep always wanting sex), will approach me and get horny, for lack of a better term. That she is never and I am seriously concidering leaving her. As selfish as it may seem I need it. Bad!!<BR>Thanks again. I am a firm believer in pleasing your partner If the situation was reversed and my wife left me or cheated on me , as hurt as i would be, I would understand.

Tommywife,<P>Please reread your post. This board is filling up with men who cannot get the sex need met. The only thing I can see similar from the women is the conversation thing. I guess thats why these seem to be statistically the two most important needs. So now turn your comments around.... what if I feel that everytime my wife speaks to me she is headed for a meaningful conversation. There is a difference between a casual chat and a deep conversation. I wish she could just chat sometimes but it always leads to conversation. Can you see how silly this sounds? Yet when you replace the word chat with affection and the word conversation with sex the whole thing takes a new meaning. My question is why. I have been all over this board for months with the question, Why are there nine regular needs and then sex, for a total of ten, why not ten needs? Why is meeting the need for sex ok to be conditional for women (conditional on affection from the man, conditional on the man giving affection not related to sex etc.) while the entire concept of the needs is to meet them unconditionally to solidify your marriage?<BR>I still dont get it, never will..

It seems that women tend to view affection in non-sexual terms--a separate thing from the carresses of foreplay and actual intercourse. Most women need ample non-sexual affection to feel receptive to sex.<P>The man enjoys non-sexual affection, too. But his NEED is for sex. And not just the physical release. He needs an enthusiastic partner who DESIRES him sexually, in order to be fulfilled. A wife who openly lets her husband know she desires him is showing him 'sexual affection'. To most men, I think, this is the best and most desired kind of affection.

ya doug thats it i think it sounds right and I like your point about woman need ample affection before they can get sexual, (at least thats how i read it).Cool thanks people. Tommywife I dont mean to sound rude but im not sure i follow you. Maybe it's just the state of mind im in right now but i cant understand what you were trying to say there. Thanks though, i appreciate your time. Now about that ample affection before woman can get into it. Not all of us have that kind of time (including my wife) and even so i have to put 3 hours of affection in before i can get 15 min. of sex. Well as selfish as that sounds, thats a ****ty deal, why, because I have to spend all that time on her to accomidate her and please her...how about she just throw me on the bed rip my clothes off and have some rough meaningless (well almost meaningless) sex. How about her accomidating me for a change. We have to romance them take them out for dinner, talk to them about our feelings and for what? For us (men) to spend another 3 hours trying to get them going!!!!That sounds like a sour deal. Lets level out the playing field here and make things more even. We romance them once in a while and they throw us down and act like porno queens once in a while. Its only fair and what most men want. All the power to you!

Machine:<P>Geez, I can tell how frustrated you are! And I know what you mean. Been there. Felt that. (And I'm still here and still feeling that way, darn it!)<P>What an incredibly exquisite fantasy!!! To be ravished by my wife! Just imaging what she would do is arousing! But also depressing, because I know a snowball has a better chance. <P>I think men and women both fantasize about being seduced by our passionate, lover/spouse in this way. Probably not for every encounter, but sometimes you just want to be 'taken'.<P>Oh, and as for that 3 hours of affection: I would bet that most women would want that spread out in pieces throughout the day, not in one clump right before sex. But maybe that's what you meant, anyway.<P>As far as foreplay goes, I recently read parts of John Gray's 'Mars and Venus in the Bedroom'. He mentions something about a 'times 10' rule: However long it takes the man to get aroused for intercourse, it generally takes the woman 10 times longer to reach that same state of arousal. So guys, if you're ready to 'get down to it' after 3 minutes of stimulation, your lady will need 30 minutes to get to where you are. Do you ladies agree with this 'times 10' rule of thumb?<P>So yeah, timewise, 'tain't fair at all. But a guys gotta do what a guy's gotta do, eh?

thanks doug you sound like you know a bit about what your talking about. You've given me new hope(in a way), and I'll try to be more understanding to her feelings and try to arouse her more, but if that doesnt work im out of luck and so will our marriage. Thanks again.

Here's my idea of marriage. Of course affection is probably needed by everyone. cuddleing on the couch watching tv. an arm across your waist going in to the grocery. And if your guy is puny, temp. taken, aspirin givin. One does one thing, the other does the other. Sweet kisses when leaving the house. Help each other in all departments. and at night or on the weekend sometime you make love sometime you just have a quickie,sometimes its serious, sometimes just for fun. I too cannot get any response from my husband, and yes it is very frustrating. He affectionate but nothing more. It's just hard to understand and a lot of intimate and fun times are missed by all. I don't understand why it is so difficult. I would talk to your wives if I could and ask what is the big deal? WHY are you holding out? For what is the purpose?. <BR>didi

These posts are quite amusing!!! <BR>But the real problem here is that men and women are individuals with different upbringings and different idiosyncrasies*did I spell that right?*<BR>My husband can give me affection all day long which is great, but sometimes like machine...I too would like a rough tumble in the hey. But certainly not every night or day. I find that sex once a week is more exciting than sex every day. There's the anticipation thing. But since we are not robots we cant force the issue with our spouses, but must try to work thru these kinds of problems. I cant see a marriage being over just because there's a difference in sex drives....and I cant see couples who are truly in love not being willing to compromise on sex and meet each others needs.<p>[This message has been edited by jonquil (edited 03-14-99).]

ya real amusing!!!

Jonquil:<P>Amusing? I must have missed something, 'cause I can usually find something funny even in the serious. It's 'cause of my warped sense of humor! <P>But sexual fulfillment is typically #1 on the husband's 'hit parade' of emotional needs. If that need is chronically unmet by his spouse, the only one who can ethically meet it, he will be PROFOUNDLY frustrated. Will his Taker just tolerate this perceived injustice indefinitely? Statistics say that many won't.<P>So yes, I can easily believe that many marriages die due to a 'difference in sex drives'.

machine and doug,<P> Sorry if you took my post the wrong way. I wasnt laughing at your problems, but rather the way you express yourselves. I apologize if I offended you. It seems I am digging myself in deeper with every word. No I wasnt making fun of your posts...but just some of the funny things "some" of you said. Yes I suppose different sex drives have led couples to divorce, but I would hope not without trying everthing in ones power to fix the problem, and I mean that on both sides. If one partner is totally unwilling to meet the others needs then that person is putting their marriage in jepardy. If you stopped asking or initiating sex and so now there isnt any, that is no good either. If your wife truly does not desire you any longer and she gives no good reason or wants to get counceling, then what options do you have? You ask what could you do to make your wife want you....I assume you have read all of the self-help books and studied Doctor Harley's material. I would start there and see if she responds to you. I dont know if telling her she needs to read the material too would help, but she really needs to. It isnt that simple I know, but if she doesnt want to lose you then surely she will compromise and come round....even if it's slowly. In my opinion it's better to shake up the bottle, than let it stagnate... <BR>Again, please forgive me for offending you.

Jonquil:<P>No offense taken. If anything, I was just a little confused. (OK, OK... some people would say A LOT confused!) Your first sentence seemed unsympathetic, while the rest of your post seemed sympathetic.<P>Once again, this cyber-medium demonstrates its shortcomings--no chance for inflection or nuance. Makes all the difference in the world.

this is a test message. i wrote a lengthy response a while ago and it wouldn't post and then this whole thing crashed. so anyway, here goes.

sex is one of the most important emotional needs of men. the sex act is the result of and is the last step of a very complex process. a process with rules that change subtley with changes in any one or all of the other ways men and woman communicate during the long love making process. assumming the h and w like sex, with each other, if the h starts wanting sex more often, for some reason- like he needs reassurance after seeing his w dance with another man at the company party, sex becomes more important to h and because sex from the w is in higher demand she now will want it less. the more the h wants it, the less she'll want it. it's a matter of supply and demand. one can't want what is being forced on one. one can only want what one doesn't have. so the h wants it more and the w wants it less and less. the more the h whins for sex the less the w wants to hear about it. so you may try to back away and see if she'll come around. give time a chance to renew her desire for you. remember, whinning never makes someone else want to do anything. it makes the h look needy and deperate for sex and neither of these make them wanted by the w.. if anything, the h should project confidence because afterall, confidence is attractive, don't you think? but i suspect the h has by now completly turned the w off to sex with the whinning. or maybe the sex was never very good for the w. love making is a fine art. it can't really be coached very much. it's not like taking dance lessons and becomming a great dancer. and too, some people just are not good lover regardless of how hard they try or want to be. good luck!

No offense I just like to choose my words more carefully thats all. Thanks. Hey Frankie I understand your point very well and believe me I thought of and tried that. I am the type of person who can, 99% of the time, scrutinize myself. Im never in delial. I tried backing off and acting cool(for lack of a better term), and making like "ah who needs ya". or "Its not that important to me". And it failed. We saw "community" counselling once and SHE was definety bias. Like she had the sex life of a log. I appreciate the posts and just so you all know we're working on it and I tried giving her what she needs and it seems to be looking up(but Im not getting my hopes up cause its looked up before just to be shot down). Thanks all I think I may be ending this soon. Thanks again people.