ME TARZAN! YOU JANE!!<P>Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. <BR>Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. One day, deep in the wild, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. <P>Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch. In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, <P>"Tarzan always check for squirrels." <P>

There was a woman who opened her front door one day when she heard someone knocking. Her three children were running around in the house doing their usual thing. <P>On her front porch stands a man doing a marketing canvas of her neighborhood and the product in question is a petroleum jelly. And the woman talks knowledgably about the product and admits that she does, indeed, buy this product on a regular basis.<P>So, the man says, "And what do you use it for?"<P>The woman replies, "Sex."<P>And the canvaser, a bit surprised by the candor of her answer asks if she could be more specific because not many people confess to using the product for sex.<P>The woman then says, "Oh, we put it on the door knob so the children can't get into our bedroom."

cinderella, I'm shocked that was one of the best I've heard in a long time. <P>THE BLIZZARD<P>Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.<BR>"I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid that the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."<P>"Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.<P>Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they were on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.<P>About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.<P>He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"<P>"Yes I do."<P>"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"<P>"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."<P>"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her yours?"<P>Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"<P>"She just died and left me everything."<P>YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT, DIDN'T YOU???<P>

Liked the BLIZZARD joke.<P>At least you have kept your ability to make us all laugh Losthusband. That is worth a lot!

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.<P>"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."<P>"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."<P>"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"<P>Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"<P>"He said the reflector is broken."<P>"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"<P>"I'm not sure, Jacob,... something about the emergency brake<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by HopelessinAZ:<BR><B>At least you have kept your ability to make us all laugh Losthusband. That is worth a lot!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>It's either laugh or cry so I'm choosing to laugh. Still firmly planted on the roller coaster but lows aren't quite so low.<P>Bill<BR>

Oh Nick, too funny.<P>All you guys are so great. I love reading all these jokes.<P>Gotta Run. Spin class today!!!!

Ok. I've held off on this one in the past for fear of getting flamed regarding its content, but I've offended before and probably will again! Here it goes....<P><BR>FIRST MASS<P>A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. <P>At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:<P>1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.<P>2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.<P>3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.<P>4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.<P>5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his [censored].<P>6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.<P>7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.<P>8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.<P>9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his [censored].<P>10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”<P>11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”<P>12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”<P>13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.<P>14. And Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.<P> <BR>

Hello friends, <P>Happy Friday and thank you for posting something to make me laugh, instead of the usual "pain" we have all been in. <P>Hugs, Dana<BR>