Hello all,<P>Havent written here in awhile, I've been doing pretty good lately. Off the rollercoaster, so to speak. I've been reading the posts here when I get the chance, and cant help but feel how lucky I truely am. I've never experienced anything like the pain of this mess before in my life..never such profound despair. But then again, I've always lived in a 'numb' state, which is directly related to growing up with one parent who is a drunk, and the other parent who is addicted to pot.<P>Anyway, I dont know why I got off on that tangent, sorry. Last time I posted, I mentioned that H asked me again to stay here in WA, said he would drop the D for a period of time (for the kids) and even agreed to conseling (which goes against his grain.) Prior to that, it seemed that all the doors were opening for both of us to go to TX. It's only five weeks now. YIKES!!<P>Since we have no health insurance, I called my church to inquire about M counseling, about a week ago. I mentioned this to him, and he said he would not go to "church counseling". I said, well, it would be the ONLY way I would stay. And unless he could afford to pay for couseling himself, this is the only way b/c its free. It took about a week for them to call me back (just yesterday), I was at work, havent returned their call yet.<P>Told his mom about this, and she said forget about it. Tell him that you are coming here to TX. Because he is just trying to get you to stay, and the same stuff will happen again when he finishes school. I agreed, because although I am very apprehensive of 'forcing' this decision on him (he needs to be near the kids), I feel it is my best choice. And my best chance at reconciliation. We've only lived here for three years, and dont know too many people. I was completely absorbed w/ nursing school right after we got here, and now he is. My point is, is that we have never been able to have any time alone. It will be wonderful to have family around to enable us to talk. Ever try to talk about SERIOUS issues with a 4 yo boy around? Not easy!!<P>I truely think it will be good for us. I still feel pretty firmly against him living with me down in TX, as I want him to have time to think about us. Not to live with me out of convience...that is what we are doing now, and for even longer should I decide to stay.<P>He has been so much more open to me lately, not really with his thoughts, but more like receptive to me. Alot of times holds me at night w/o me asking him to, knowing that this is something I absoloutley love.<P>Ok, enough rambling... I asked him the other day if he thought he could ever be cabable of forgiving me of my past. (my affiar, and mostly my indifference to him as well as other things). His response? He said he dosnt know, that if I were to 'let go' of him, give him some room, it would help. How do I do that? Is it possible, to plan A, love him, try to meet his needs (I have been trying my damdest), and 'let go' at the same time? To give him the room to reevaluate us?<P>My thought are it may be much easier when we move. He will be living with his mom while he finishes school, and I will live alone w/ the kids. He has dropped all mention of the divorce. Still says occasionally that it WILL happen. On other occasions, he has said IF there were ever anything between us again, it would have to be a brand new start, nothing like the past.<P>Will living apart, in TX, give him that room? We will still see each other on a daily basis I'm sure, as his mom will be helping me with the kids.<P>Another thing I have begun to wonder about. He still believes that he never had an affiar. It was an EA, with another divorcing woman he shared classes with. How do I recover from that? If we were to reconcile? He wont even acknowledge he did wrong!! I know, now is not the time to even consider my needs.<P>Sorry for the length of this post. I know it sounds like just rambling, but I truely have lots of questions in my heart right now...Any comments would be appreciated.<P>Hugs to All, <P>Dara

helloooooooo....<P>Anybody out there?

Hi Dara... I've been wondering what's happened to you! But, I've not had the time to read like I used to. My H has now not only moved out but moved 500 miles away to Chicago so I'm truly getting the "taste" of being a single parent - of 3 boys!<P>Anyway,good for you on trying to get some counseling... but try not to be FORCEFUL with your way or no way. Give him some lee-way to make it happen HIS way - as you might be pleasantly surprised. It sounds like you're still fighting issues of expectations and high control - you do it my way or I'm not going to do it at all.<P>Oh, the fact that he holds you at night sometimes... again, it's like the coffee incident a few weeks past... he still loves you. It's so nice that he reaches for you... now you need to RECOGNIZE the love the way HE gives it not the way you expect it to come. I recognize this as an issue b/c it's an issue for me also!<P>Anyway, I'm not clear about what you're going to do then... go to TX or stay in WA? Also, what is up with his mother picking sides? I'd steer clear of that and just try to sort things out with your H without involving extended family... it just gets complicated and she then may turn on you. I don't know.<P>How is your Plan A going? Have you been working on emptying yourself and identifying HIS emotional needs and trying to meet them? Have you been keeping your Lovebusting behavior in check? It seems so... especially if he's open to you - or at least receptive.<P>So, hang in there... one day at a time and try to do things HIS way on little things instead of him bending to YOUR way. You may be pleasantly surprised!<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Howdy,<P>Good to see that your doing OK. I think that it is important that you two get into counseling either before or after the move. His lack of willingness to participate now may be a sign of things to come. <P>The move will do you both some good. First off I agree that he shouldn't live with you for a while. He wants you to let him have his space then give it to him. Plus, it sounds like you will have better emotional support after the move.<P>As far as Plan A and "Letting Go" working at the same time. That's what I'm doing since my wife moved out and yes it is possible. It is a little stickier in my situation, since at times we have to talk about divorce issues. I have done nothing but show her unconditional love and I think it's working a tiny bit.<P>5 weeks better get ready for the garage sale.<P>Bill

Hello OvrC's,<P>Thanks for your response. A few clarifications: I am moving to TX. I actually apologized to him for this. I know he needs to be close to the kids. I have am oppurtunity now to go..It wont be there in a few years or months. Military is moving us for free, and his mom cant keep the house she is giving me empty for two years.<P>The point is, he cannot afford to stay here w/o me. He thought of re-enlisting, but they require 3 yrs min, plus a free trip to Korea again. He wont do it. He reapplied for unemployment and was denied. He was not accepted into the nursing program he hoped for this fall. I explained this to him, that I have the oppurtunity to leave now..he asked me to stay, under the pretense of being 'friends'. I refuse to do it. I told him I have more self-respect than that!! That I love him, and want to be his wife, not his friend while he finishes school. And I would not want to live in this house alone, 'our home'.<P>He knows, based on his wanting a D, that this is my best option for me. And he knows the predicament it puts him in. ( being unable to pay a 1200$) house payment.<P>As far as his mom goes, she has known for awile. The stinker (H) told her back in Dec when he went to visit her what he was gonna do, before he told me. She is Christian, and doesnt believe in D. Me too. She has been a mother to me since I was 14 and met H.<P>Yes, I have been meeting his needs. If I remember right, you were the one who explained to me about the difference in peoples needs. He tries to meet mine by doing things, such as buyinh me coffee. That was an EXCELLENT point you made. Yesterday AM, I had to be to work at 6am, amd leave by 5:15. He turned down the volume on the alarm after it went off. I woke up and had 20 min to shower, blowdry and put on a face!! He pulled out my scrubs for me, laid them on the bed, made me coffee, set it out in my travel cup, started my truck, and fixed me lunch while I bathed. <P>Ya know what? The old me would have Bit**ed about it being his fault that I got up late. And he probly wouldnt ahve helped me either. Didnt say one word, in fact didnt even think about it. I thanked him several times that day, and told him I couldnt have done it w/o him. I am trying to meet his needs.<P>Thanks for the reply, and the comments..

Hi Dara,<P>It's me, Sheryl, with my cool new name! I finally decided I needed a new me!! If you want to read about what my name means, click here --> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008966.html" TARGET=_blank>What does Nyneve Mean?</A>.<P>You sound GREAT, really!! <P>Yeah, I still think you may be making a mistake leaving... but... you are slowly convincing me that just maybe it will open your H's eyes to having a life without Dara. I just hope it doesn't backfire to "out of sight, out of mind" when what you want is, "absense makes the heart grow fonder"...<P>I like the idea of counseling with the minister. Could you do it alone if he won't go? That's what I think I would do... it would show your H that you mean business, and the minister might be able to offer some good advice for you.<P>Hope to hear from you again soon...<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Bill,<P>I have thought of you much lately. Praying for you too. You sound good.<P>Richard had the idea of counseling if I were to stay here, for the 'kids.' Not marraige counseling. <P>I dont think I will go now before I leave.. I'll wait till I get there to TX.<P>Funny, his mom said take everything. When the movers came to do the pre move assesment, I told them only the kids stuff, and my clothes, and the DR table. I am not a materialistic person. Dont wan tto fight over furniture!! Richard said I could have everything cept the computer. But, the computer is on my c. card, and is not paid for yet. His mom said give him no reason to stay.<P>I wonder if its just easier for me now to cope knowing that he is not seeing her, and is not talking of D. I wonder if the reason he has been nice to me is only to try and change my mind about going. But that would be manipulative, something he is not.<P>I wonder if he is going to hate me for this.

Let me tell you from experience, take everything you can. My wife is going absolutely crazy right now because she wants more stuff from the house. I won't let her take any of the personal items (i.e. pictures) until we go through and decide which ones she gets. And on the flip side when I went downstairs on the first morning after she moved out and saw the children's rooms without beds and dressers I was crushed. We have 3 other beds so I got them into their rooms ASAP.<P>The way he is acting by not talking to her or of "D" is probably the only way he knows to get you to stay. Kind of that out of sight out of mind theory. You know Lisa and I talked of her moving out for 2 months before she did. We didn't discuss it a lot after that, I never brought it up and when she did I tried to change the subject. When she did her unexpected move reality hit me in the face pretty hard.<P>"I wonder if he is going to hate me for this."<P>Dara I don't think he'll hate you at all. Sure there will be an adjustment period where he won't be exactly thrilled to see you. But you have pretty much laid out with him how you two can work and the rest is up to him. That's an opportunity that I don't think I'll ever get.<P>The coming weeks will start to get tougher as the date gets closer and you must remain strong. You have a good plan make sure you follow it. <P>Bill<P><P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

Dara, <P>You and I wrote at the same time last time... go up the page and see ...just thinking of you!!!<P>(((((Dara)))))<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Oh, so nice to catch up on all your stories! <P><B>Bill</B>, knew your W was moving out 1 May... how's it going?<BR><B>Nyneve</B>, Sheryl, cool name and meaning (sounds a lot like me too) - is it pronounced like the body lotion Nineva? To California... like to see your family for the first time in a long time? Prayers and stuff (thx to Bumperii's phrase but it works).<BR><B>Dara</B>, thanks for the update... I'm so far behind on everyone's stories! I understand now and THANK your lucky stars for a MIL like that! So glad to hear how your heart is tender and teachable and that you've learned to accept the love the way he gives it... that's got to be a major reduction of one lovebuster at least from his perspective! You need to do what you need to do for yourself as the mother and woman. You know, put on your own oxygen mask before coming to the assistance of ANYONE else in the case of an emergency... now if that O2 mask is Texas at this point, so be it. It's got to be hard though... oh, one more thing, regarding your affair, have you forgiven yourself for this?<P>Take care!<P>Cheers,<BR>Nicole<P><P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OvrCs:<BR><B>Nyneve</B>, Sheryl, cool name and meaning (sounds a lot like me too) - is it pronounced like the body lotion Nineva? To California... like to see your family for the first time in a long time? Prayers and stuff (thx to Bumperii's phrase but it works).<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey Nicole, and <P>I am sooooooooo excited to go to CA next week, yes to see my family for the first time this year!! I get to go back every other month until the end of the year, so that's cool, eh?<P>The name Nyneve: <B>soulloss</B> told me that "Nin-ave...is a pronunciation of it..."<P>I like the lotion though!! That's easier to remember!<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OvrCs:<BR><B>Oh, so nice to catch up on all your stories! <P>Bill</B>, knew your W was moving out 1 May... how's it going?<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If you knew she was moving out May 1 that makes one of us. She was suppose to move out May 30 and we were going to go through mediation without lawyers. She filed on May 2 and moved out on May 4. It's going OK. We've had our temp. orders hearing and I get the girls 3 days/nights per week and she gets 4 days/nights per week. I spent the first week out of the house as much as possible, too many good memories. I'm starting to make the adjustment now.<P>Still working on things but coming to the realization that more than likely on July 10th I will be single. That sucks.<P>Take Care and thanks for asking.<P>Bill<BR>

Sgeryl,<P>Started writing ya a long post, but you know who walked in. He hates me using this site. ????<P>He tells me today, sometimes he wonders whats on my mind.I said just ask!! All I get is long stories. And I said all I get from him is parables. Then he says yeah, Im a water sign, your a earth sign together we make mud. That SH**!!<P>I'm glad your stickin around here Sheryl, you have a very unique perspective to offer which I respect.<P>OvRC's, yes TX is MY O2 mask. He wants a D, I have the right to worry about my financial future. SO I refuse to "carry " him here. Oh well dammit. Thats his bed to sleep in.

Have I forgiven myself for my affair?<P>Well lets see. I was beatin myself up for it. But now I am pissed off. Pissed off at the OM, because he was Richards friend, and he took advantage of a lonely housewife who H was gone.<P>H and OM still talk occasionally, wild I know. I called OM in January, he lives in Michigan now, and asked for help. Told him Richard is leaving me. He said he would talk to him, never did. He expreseed alot of remorse over our D, he comes from a broken home too. But the [censored] never even called me back to see how I am, or even talked to Richard. I havent spoken to him since January, and became convicted that contact with him was not good. (He would call us every month or so)<P>

I know it sounds crazy, but I am so tired of this.<P>He says today, just wait 6-12 months, youll get sick of me. I said I wont be living with you, so I wont get sick of ya. He said ok then I'll be sick of you. What the HELL is going on here? He is always playin games with me.<P>I am weary from trying.

Dara,<P>It was good to hear from ya today. Sounds like you got most all of your ducks lined up. Stick to your plan. Be strong (I know you will be).<P>I'm getting ready to take the girls to mom's for the weekend. She lives on a lake so we'll have a good time.<P>Take care of yourself this weekend and don't be such a stranger.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

Thanks Bill....<P>Ive been staying away cause my head is spinning!!!<P>I'm sick of thinking about this!!<P>Have a great weekend.<P>Dara

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Learning as I go:<BR><B>I know it sounds crazy, but I am so tired of this.<P>He says today, just wait 6-12 months, youll get sick of me. I said I wont be living with you, so I wont get sick of ya. He said ok then I'll be sick of you. What the HELL is going on here? He is always playin games with me.<P>I am weary from trying. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>He's just one big ol' ball of confusion, Dara. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He says today, just wait 6-12 months, youll get sick of me. I said I wont be living with you, so I wont get sick of ya. He said ok then I'll be sick of you. What the HELL is going on here? He is always playin games with me.<BR>[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm lost is he saying this to JUSTIFY the divorce. <P>

What the HELL is he confused about?