Hi all,<P>The stbx is coming over tomorrow morning so that we can take care of the IRS refund and he can pick up some more of his things.<P>18 hours until we're supposed to meet, and I'm already getting nervous. I haven't seen him since --- March 16th.<P>When he wanted to get together to do the income taxes, I couldn't do it. I didn't want to be around him. But we have to do this together.....no choice.<P>Dr. says that I can boost my meds. for stressful situations. I'm already planning on doing that. But this is going to be so hard for me.<P>The last time I saw him I stayed about 10 feet from him almost the entire time. But all I really wanted to do was to run to him. I ended up sitting down so that I wouldn't do anything foolish. And I ended up crying, again.<P>I'm scared.<BR>Breathing exercises are working for now. But what do I do when I'm in the same room with him? When the emotions start pulling in different directions (attracted/repulsed, love/hate, desire/despise)?<P>And then I have to set it aside and get on with my day --- without my daughter....<P>I'm getting a heat rush and a headache just thinking about these things. How do I get these negative thoughts, these fears out of my head? I have to go home tonight and finish packing his things! Normally I pack his things when I'm mad at him (I've done a lot of packing lately). But this is different.<P>Fear and pain. <P>My parents are out of town this weekend, and that leaves just my sister (the one who is 43 and has never even been on a date - to the best of my knowledge) -- she simply does not and can not understand what I'm feeling.<P>I'm scared and I'm excited. I wish so much that he'll say something positive and that he'll come home. But I am so scared of being hurt again, I'm even scared to hope, simply because I don't want to have to go through the pain. And that in and of itself hurts.<P>~Amy

((((AMY))))<P>Honey I know exacly how you feel. As I type my wife is moving more stuff out of our home. I have to go home in 1.5 hours and help her with big stuff. My heart is already starting to beat out of my chest. I know there will be nothing positive I just hope she won't attack me immediatly.<P>Your in my thoughts and prayers.<P>Love, Bill

I know what it is like. I am having the same problem. Everytime I see my W I want to run to her and hold her. Just stay calm and take care of the business at hand.<P>You can do it.

Just try to keep all conversations to the business at hand. Short and simple, if possible.<P>Please try not to hope too much for the heartfelt I'm sorry this was all a big mistake speech. You don't set an appointment to make that speech. <P>I've quit waiting for that speech and frankly don't even want to hear it right now.<P>It will be painful while he is there but you will ba amazed at how fast you come around. I only feel sad/bad/rejected for about 30 seconds anymore then I'm fine. Time is a wonderful healer. I still miss being married and being part of a loving relationship but I don't miss him.

{{{{{Amy}}}}},<P>You will get through this.<P>Keep your expectations at zero, just try to be pleasant and tend to the business at hand.<P>I wish I could tell you something to make this easy, but all I can say is hang in there, it will get better.<P>Steve

(((((Amy)))))<P>Honey, don't meet unless you HAVE to. If you do, keep it businesslike. Stay pragmatic. Stay on task. Use as few words as possible to get the point across. When you're done, don't linger. Leave, and don't look back. I have a gut feeling this man doesn't deserve you. I have shared all of your feelings, and I am on medication, too. My dream died, and when I realized this, I saw that I had been loving a nightmare. I still want him to want me, to have a change of heart, to CHANGE. But it ain't gonna happen. If I stay in a horrible marriage, I will die, simple as that. Keep very, very busy. Go from one thing to the next. Cleaning and ironing (for myself) is very therapeutic and centering. <P>I know your agony,<BR>Nell

This is a HAVE TO. The check has both of our names on it and we now have separate accounts, so we both have to be there to do a deposit and transfer of funds -- 50/50 split. Fortunately we are using the same bank (diff. branches).<P>Nell, I think you've picked up on some things. I had tried to change, to become what he thought he wanted and needed.....and I failed miserably. I lost myself and my dreams.<P>Now I'm not merely redefining myself, I'm more like a lump of wet clay. Everything has to be rebuilt, at least that's what it feels like. And everything has to be weighed so carefully --- career decisions, childcare, spending.<P>I'm trying to remember the dreams I had as a youth.....what can I do to make them come true? Like Tex reminding me of the horses....I'd love to own a horse someday. Actually, I'd love to have some land, a nice garden, a few horses, chickens, maybe a dog, and my daughter wants a cat; a nice shade tree.<P>Gotta run.<BR>~Amy

Amy,<P>You ARE clay right now, that's the beauty of it! You get to reinvent and redefine yourself the way YOU want to. You get to teach yourself that you are just as wonderful without a man as you really were when you were together. I'm doing that too, and I'm scared chitless! But, I keep thinking of what I'm going to have, because then I know I won't miss this crap now. I'll get a new career! I'll get a new home, hopefully far from here! And when I'm healed, I will love again but with wisdom and insight. And Amy, you can have a new house, a garden, and horses because you're worth your dreams! You create your own reality, and dreams are the beginning stuff of real life.<P>Love,<BR>Nell

Amy: I hope I can give you some encouragement,, as I felt the same way when my ex divorced me after 29 yrs of marriage. I felt so bad that I literally did not pick up the phone for 6 months, because I was afraid to even hear his voice-thank God for voicemail. When we went for mediation, it was all I could do not to throw up in the soom. And for many meetings, with him, I constantly had to hold back tears.This is my point:<BR>I had barely any money when he left and one child, age 13, at the time ,still left at home, who was as devestated as I was. Fast forward to almost 4 yrs later. Last yr, I bought my first car in my name, 2 months ago, I bought a new 2 bedroom house in my name,When my daughter turned 16, I was able to purchase her a used car with the child support money I saved[ paid cash!] I have absolutely no debt except house and carpayments, and utilities! The 13 yr old ,NOW 18,is graduating from high school next Friday, and has been accepted at the University of Nebraska to study Vet med--we live in Fl!<BR>I am not saying all of this to brag, but want you to see that things will change and will turn around, and you can build the life you want!! I still miss my ex and didn't want this divorce, but I have grown so much,and I can really say, I am and will be happy with or without him. <BR>As a side note, in the past 2-3 months, my ex and I met for lunch a couple of times to discuss graduation and our other 3 grown children, and I did just fine--no anxiety or nausea, you know the feelings.<BR>Just know there will be days when you are sad and need to cry and do it. Soon there will be more good days that outweigh the bad--just enjoy them!!

I forgot to add this: My daughter has always loved and wanted a horse--we live in the city so horse ownership is out of the question while she lives with me, but she drives 1 hr down the road and rents a horse to ride any time she wantsand loves it.<BR>She also is a cat lover. We are the proud owners of 2 cats, that my son gave us for Christmas 2 yrs ago. Dreams can come true,just maybe not all of them in the exact way you want.

(((((Amy)))))<P>Stay strong! I totally understand how scared you must feel.<P>I saw my ex yesterday for the one and only time in public (except a court room) in over three years. We were both going opposite directions driving down the street. He looked like a deer in the headlights! Nope, I resisted swerving into the other lane too, didn't want to hurt the new Jimmy I purchased last month. I'm sure he would have enjoyed seeing me walking, instead he could see I was making it quite well on my own despite how he tried to financially ruin me. Maybe that was why his eyes were popping out of his head!<P><BR>db713....WOW!!!! <P>What accomplishments you have made! Can I tell you I'm PROUD of you? Tell your daughter WELCOME to Nebraska! We are a very good state for her education and I hope she likes football! (we are a bunch of crazy people watching UNL football) I like you, just bought a nice vehicle, bought a home on auction last fall and gutted and remodeled it, ALL on my own! I agree with you on dreams coming true just maybe not like you expected!<P>Ragamuffin<BR>

Thanks all.<P>I made it through with only one minor outbreak and one minorly biting comment.<P>My brother had seen my stbxH while doing some contract work at the co. where he works and had commented that he looked horrible. Well, he was right. H did look horrible. His skin had a green look to it (must not be eating right). He's put on some weight (must be taking the new babe out to eat all the time [hope that's ruining her diet]). Even his eyes looked dull. And his attitude wasn't too good at all.<P>I was trying to get a paper notarized for him at the bank after we did the deposit thing and we had to wait a while. I sat down and played with some kids who's parents were waiting in line. He paced the floor, stood in the entrance, stood where it looked like he was in line, and blocked people from getting to the table to write their transactions. I was the one who initiated conversation to try to pass the time (talking about our daughter).<P>Then back to the house to load up his stuff. He didn't want to take his old stereo equipment, he said that he'd just leave it until he needed it. Right -- here came my one tacky comment, "Yeah, I know you want to just leave the things you don't want." I made him take the stereo.<P>I helped him to load up the stuff. Had one small outbreak where he was inside picking up stuff and I started tearing up as I was putting my box in the truck. Instead of going back in, I walked around the corner of the house and started doing some deep breathing to get my tears under control. Thinking of the things that you posted here really helped me at that time. Thanks.<P>He toured the house, which was a lot cleaner than when he lived there. Even went out back to the garden and smelled the new gardenia. I know that he was looking for something to complain about, but there wasn't a thing!<P>Afterwards I went over to see my sister --- I didn't want to be alone. We went to a couple of nurseries to do some garden shopping. When I got home I went out into the yard and worked until it got dark. I was taking down overgrown weeds on my neighbors fence that had literally turned into small trees -- 8 large bags full (and probably 30-40 mosquitoe bites too). It was Sunday afternoon before everything finally got bagged up.<P>I think my garden has been a God-send. It's really allowed me to work out frustrations. Now there is a breeze blowing throught the neighbor's trees where there was once a wall of weeds and my yard would have been stifling still. And I'm pleasantly aching all over and am quite worn out.<P>I think I'm doing a lot better than my stbxH. And that made the ladies here at work smile. <P>This morning he dropped our D off at home (daycare is closed this week). Right before he left I told her that her Grandma was coming over to take care of her. She hugged me tight and said, "I want my Daddy <pause> to come home." He didn't say a word....just got a pained look in his eyes and an odd smile on his face, and patted her on her back. Then he left.<P>Last week we scheduled depositions, mediation, filed a motion to keep our case on the court's docket, and set a tentitive date for court.<P>It's all becoming very real, and I think it may be getting to him. I know it's been getting to me. At this point, I'm not sure I'd take him back. With each step that we take closer to divorce, the road to any reconciliation gets longer. But part of me still would like to see him come home.<P>Thanks again everyone,<BR>~Amy

You Go Girl!!. Good Job. Stay Buzy.<P>I went to a stress mgnt class a couple of hundred years ago and one of the thing they taught me was to put a rubberband around my right wrist and when I felt stress coming up I was to start picking at the rubberband and thinking about my "Happy Place" (Everytime I see the Happy Gilmore movie I chuckle).. If you like Horses so much think about riding when you start getting stressed out.<P>Anyway Keep up the good work!! ;-)<P>Tex..

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AgoodManInTexas:<BR><B>If you like Horses so much think about riding when you start getting stressed out.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I was seriously thinking about it. But after stbx left, I had to talk to someone fast! Sis was only a few minutes away.<P>There is a stables and riding arena not far from my house, but I don't know if they rent horses. Around here stables are far apart and riding can be rather expensive. Most places either want to give you lessons or lead you on a short trail ride. I'd rather do my own thing. I'll have to do some research.<P>~Amy