Well, he called to leave me a message that on tues. my WS H will turn the gas and elctric off to this house. He suggested that I call them and have it put in my name. I called the company and they said since in his name he can. It doesn't matter that I have 3 small kids in the house.<BR>He message also stated that he "feels horrible" and that he wishes that I would work with him.<P>I can really tell now what type of person he is and how much he loves his children. He would rather shut the gas end elec. off to his kids home than pay the bill. If this ain't love then I don't know what is LOL<P>He just picked up kids and insisted that he put the VCR that he cleaned for me back in the van, even though I told him that i could do it, he said , geez I fixed it let me put it back in. Oh thanks for that. he will also take the snow tires off for me on sun. I would have changed them myself but he broke in the house and took all the tools.<P>Anyway, I have ANOTHER appt with ANOTHER atty on mon am. She is a SHARK. I am going for a second opinion. I never thought my life would be like this. It just keeps getting worse but I keep on ticking.<P>Going to a festival tonght with some new friends. Whitewater rafting tomorrow and church on Sun. Pretty full of plans. Maybe some open house looking also. I know I will eventually have to move, or perhaps next week I could take the kids and myself to the homeless shelter. <P>This is your life Hopelessmom. Take on the day!<P>hopelessmom<BR>

HOPELESSMOM<P>So sorry to heat the latest news. I don't know what else to say. Hope that you can get something resolved with the gas/electric company. Here, they have worked with me pretty good. Keep your chin up. Let us know how the atty appt goes.<P>Have a good weekend and I'll be thinkin/prayin for ya!<P><BR>Love, Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

Hi Hope,<P>I was just going to post to see how you were doing. I am sorry you are being treated so badly. Isn't there a city ordinance or law about this? I may be reaching but can you call some sort of family counseling center to see if they know about your rights of abandonment? <P>I am glad you are able to get out this weekend. Well chat later ok?<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Aaaaww, honey. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My water got turned off in March, and I had to get groceries from charity for my son and me. I was told that judges do not like to see this kind of manipulation occur, especially if there are marital assets available. I saw on my husband's bank statement that he deposited $300 into his savings account that month, and he kept insisting he had no money to help me. He said if the boy goes without, then I shouldn't have him (he said he'd provide more support for our son if he had him more often--he gets the standard every other weekend, and his night shift schedule is erratic). Withholding money and essential items that were previously provided is not fair game. Hold your head high, see your "shark" and kick butt, girl! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.<P>Love,<BR>Nell

The utilities will work with you, as for ws he is trying to starve you out, I know the feeling my ws w was a real b***h, but in the end the court doesn't care who did what, but for now you att. should be able to get you temp orders, stay focused on the finacial end of it all. do not give up anything hoping he will wake up and come back, keep marriage and finaces separate, I got a good settlement because ew felt guilty. <P>

Hopelessmom,<P>I should think that you could get an emergency session in front of a judge regarding your utilities. And, there has got to be some sort of legal thing you can charge him with...like child endangerment????<P>Hang in there, he's going to look like a complete fool in front of a judge - and that's good for you. He's doing you a favor in the long run, even though it will be horrible short term...<P>Actually, if the power goes off...does that mean he's shut down his account? Maybe you can call them up and tell them you are living there and want a new account in your name <P>I have GPU out where I live, and it was actually no sweat to get the account switched. I told them I was separated and physically in residence, paid off the old account, they shut it down and switched to an account in my name.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Hopelessmom,<P>Could our STBX's act like any bigger jerks. The only good thing I can see about all this is that it helps us let go of them. This ugly side of them really amazes me.

Hi Hopeless,<P>(I hate writing that because you are not hopeless!!)<P>just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. Glad you're going out this weekend and doing things.<P>What an *****hole. Don't these people think of their kids at all. What about their needs - makes me so angry.<P>take care of you and your babies, you'll be fine. One way or another.<P>hugs<P>Jo

hopelessmom:<BR>Wow....what a #%^*&^<P>I don't know what is available where you live? Maybe some suggestions you can check out. Have you tried social service? Here they have an emergency fund for this. They might be able to refer you if not. Check with local churches, here again some of them have assistance (or can refer you). Get on the phone and call around for help. <BR>Also the lawyer should be able to tell you if it's possible for an emergency hearing, since this is an emergency. <BR>Hope you find help.<BR>May God Bless You <P>And for H:<BR>Psalm 7<BR>14 He who is pregnant with evil and conceives trouble gives birth to disillusionment. <BR>15 He who digs a hole and scoops it out falls into the pit he has made. <BR>16 The trouble he causes recoils on himself; his violence comes down on his own head. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited May 18, 2001).]

I think you might look at demonstrating some mor independence. He is simply exerting control over the aspects of your life that he has abandoned. That is a big ego boost, I'll bet. He even takes it to these horrific extremes.<BR>I have been in bad financial times before, and here I am again, in the worst shape ever. Project Now will grant you money to help. Go to Lutheran, or Catholic Social Services, take care of this business yourself...but try to find ways not to be so dependent on him, or agencies. Do what you have to do, but like the snow tires...look, that only neede a jack, and lug wrench. Autozone stores will let you put a nominal deposit down, rent them, and get your money back. You have got to be more resourceful, which is hard I know, but you are showing that you can control your life fine. Don't give him that luxury.<BR>What has been said is all very true, BUT...he will see the assistance as weakness on your part. I am not familiar with your story, but I think it would do you some good to start taking care of these things yourself as much as possible. Please don't get me wrong, you need to do whatever it takes ultimately to take care of your family, I know this from experience, too. Its just as I read down the thread trying to see where his head was at...these things will work against you at first. The judge will not be happy, but I'm thinking that won't get through his thick ego. You taking on his role as provider and protector will get him thinking...and steamin', too. Give me some practical for instances that you could do in this regard. Money is obviously a problem, but are there things around the house that he has not fixed...maybe you could fix them yourself? Or have a friend help you. I think this will help. Let me know what you think.

{{{{{{{{hopelessmom}}}}}}}}<P>I am so sorry to hear of your recent problems. Your STBX seems like a real jerk (using nice names at this point ). I am sure that if you explain your situation to the gas/power company (again), they might work with you on resolving your dilemma.<P>Not all men are like your STBX. There still are a few of us good ones left out there. Keep your head up. Things find a way of working themselves out in the end. You will be in my prayers.<P>Griz

Actually....I am just wondering...just what possible benefit does your H's lawyer think your H is going to get from cutting off your utilities?<P>It strikes me as odd that the lawyer would be encouraging this kind of stuff. Your H doesn't benefit, he already isn't paying you to keep it on ... right? <P>And I don't know why the utility company is going along...if you tell them that there are minor children in residence, and insist on talking to a supervisor, they should do something....just keep asking for a superior until you get someone who can do something...<P>This just strikes me as supremely stupid - is your H asking for custody? Because wouldn't that hurt his chances?<P>Perhaps this is an intimidation tactic.<P>Don't be intimidated <P>(((((hugs))))<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

There is something here that isn't quite clear. Is he actually having the utilities turned off, or just taking his name off the account? Is this a home you rent or own?<P>There is some advantage to having the utilities accounts in your name. That way you can be certain that they are paid on time. It helps to establish your credit rating, and that will be an important issue very soon.<P>Your husband may think he is in the process of pressuring you. Nothing could be further from the truth. If there is anything he doesn't want to do, it would be to show up in front of a judge as a man who isn't providing a home for and supporting his children. Judges don't like guys like that, and just may enter a support order that is on the higher side of descretion.<P>Actually, the judges I know don't want to be bothered with this kind of case at all. They really think that <B>grown ups </B> should work out appropriate arrangments to support their children without the influence of the court. The court should be the last resort for parental support, not the first. In this country it is supposed to be something called "Natural Affection" that causes a father to care for his children when they need him for the rest of his natural life. We live in a society where if a man does anything less that that, he isn't considered to be much of a man.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

HM,<P>My X had the utilities turned off in the dead of winter then called Child Services "anonymously" to report the fact that children were living in an un-utilitied house.<P>Then he sued me for back payments on the utilities the months he had paid them.<P>Then he tried to sue me for mortgage payments on the house that he had made.<P>Transfer the utilities into your own name before social services shows up to take the kids away for neglect.<P>Try to get your shark lawyer to get an emergency hearing. But remember - half a day in court is $1000! I ended up owing a lot of money to lawyers.<P>Anne

Hope,<P>It looks to me like he shouldn't be able to cut utilities. Transfer the name, maybe, but not cut utilities. It sounds to me like he's got a nasty lawyer.<P>Your ID says that you're in NY. I did a little looking on the Internet for some services that might be able to help you:<P>Finger Lakes Volunteer Lawyer Service<BR>City: Geneva <BR>Telephone: (315) 781-1465<BR>Area Served: the counties of Livingston, Ontario, Seneca, Wayne, and Yates. <BR>Services Provided: Civil cases only. No fee generating, criminal, or traffic cases taken. <BR>Eligibility: Based on federal poverty guidelines.<P>There also seems to be a fairly strong MOM's group in the area (for stay at home mothers). They seem to be active in community service. Maybe someone there can help.<P>Churches, food banks, and other service groups might be able to direct you to help. If anything, they may be able to help with getting your utilities turned back on.<P>Fight - Hope. Fight for your children. Fight for what you know is right.<P>~Amy

Hi all,<P>Bringing this to the top. Hope, we want to know how you are doing.<P> <BR>L.

Hi HM,<P>It seems to me that he isn't allowed to take anything from the house that isn't a personal belonging (clothing, etc.). The tools are half yours. He WILL have to return them. I doubt very much that his lawyer has anything to do with this and probably doesn't even know he's doing this stuff. Mine did much of the same and his lawyer didn't know. It's just him being an idiot basically, and yes! he is helping your case in front of the judge - but again, this only helps you if you end up with a trial.<P>Until you are divorced, he does not have the right to do any of this. His problem is that he is divorced in his head, so he thinks he can start making these moves. He needs to be reminded that we do have a court system and he CANNOT outrun it and this will cause him more trouble than the small amount of satisfaction he thinks he's getting doing it. So personally I would just tell him to stop being a jerk and knock it off. I kept having to remind my XH that I'd love to dump his a$$ tomorrow if I could, but that I had to move only at the speed of the court, and since we have kids, it would probably be a good while (which it was a bit over a year).<P>When you see the new lawyer, she should be able to stop a lot of this bs. The court will likely make sure that things in the household run smoothly until the divorce is final. They try their best to keep one party from bankrupting the other if possible.<P>And I don't know who said it before, but all this helps you in your mind when you see what he's capable of. Sure isn't who you thought you married is it? It doesn't erase your hurt, just helps you move on. I can tell you after having all this done to me and now that it's over and I've decided to sell the house and move back home (out of state and he's not stopping me), it seems to me by his actions now that he's realizing that his hatred toward me was baseless and mostly provoked by the OW. There is a tinge of regret from him for how he treated me when all I was doing was Plan Aing him. I believe the Plan A stuff I did is going to eventually split them up because he now knows he was wrong and who really was pushing him to hurt me (not that he gets let off the hook, he does have a brain even tho it may be in his pants).<P>Take care, see the lawyer and try not to worry. I know it's harder when you have the munchkins.<P><P>------------------<BR>Kathy

Thank you all for your concern. It really does help.<P>I saw the shark yesterday and while I chose not to use her yet, she did reassure me and give me a plan on how to proceed when we go to court for the temporary support orders.<P>She did also suggest that Yes, Someday I will need to get a job, she said it might look best for me to "look" for a job. That doesn't mean that I will "see" anything. If you get the meaning.<P>H is digging himself a big hole. She also suggested that his lawyer may not know the whole story and what he has been doing. She knows H atty and says he is tough but honest and truthful. (whatever that means) If his atty finds out H is lying to him, it won't make H look good.<P>As for the power, it will be basically switched today. The gas co will come out and read the meter and then switch it to my name. It will be a bad thing for H.<P>We also discussed H living arrangements. I may be able to stop that at the hearing because in jan. H and I went to a counselor for the kids and he said don't involve anyone else with the kids, blah, blah. H hasn't listened. Maybe I can get visitation restricted. that would really piss him off and make his life a living hell. He is screwwing up the kids and doesn't want to admit/know it. She also suggested getting the pediatrician involved and get kids into counseling shortly.<P>She just told me that this is the "good ole boy" network at work. Trying to squish me and make me "give" and cry and say do what you want. I haven't done that yet and I don't plan on it. <P>H if you want a divorce so bad then you have to follow the rules. You can't make up your own. I know that I only have some power and the only thing I want is what is fair and in the best interest of my kids for the long run. They are still babies.<P>The interesting thing is that the only thing that "i have done"" to my husband is get a lawyer and not mediate with him. He has done everything else to'for himself. He is digging his own hole. Sort of like the alcoholic. You got to let them feel the consequences of their own actions. <P>Looking at a townhouse today because the house will have to be put up for sale immediately. Something else the kids can look forward to.<P>Hopelessmom

hopelessmom,<P>You sound a lot better today. Good for you. From experience I can tell you that like my wife, his behaviour will not change soon.<P>Hang in there.<P>Bill<BR>

Just out of curiosity, HM, why did that lawyer say it would be best for you to start looking for a job? When I first met with my lawyer, I told him how we had both decided to raise our kids OURSELVES and not in daycare. My youngest at the time was 4. My lawyer never told me to start looking for a job. He fought my case the best he could using the "agreement" we had (which could be proven since I stayed home 9 years with them) to get me the most alimony and child support he could get. I would think that you looking for a job puts no weight on the fact that you both raised your children a certain way, and I would also think it would hurt your chances to get alimony so that maybe you can be home for at least a little longer with them so they can get a little older before they "lose" mom (to a job) as well as dad (who walked out).<P>Don't grab any lawyer who pushes you to work right away - they are only trying to assure they will be paid. There are lawyers who will fight for a woman who has been a stay at home mom. Turned out, even in this no-fault state, that I have enough alimony and child support to pay for this big brand new 4 bedroom house, and the judge did not order the immediate sale of the house (I have 3 years here). I can stay home if I want or work, but I still get the alimony from him regardless. Some men might get ticked off at that, but I have the children to provide for alone which I can't stress enough is NO SMALL TASK and will never make the kind of money XH makes, and I need to save every stray dime for the next 3 years so that when I do sell, I'll have enough to provide another home for them.<P>Anyway, stick to your guns and I hope you do find a good lawyer. By the way, they said the same thing about my XH's lawyer, that he's tough but honest. HA! Ya right. Altho I do have to say that when my XH took me to court claiming to lose his job and wanting to eliminate support (he was really doing consulting and hiding his income), his lawyer knew what he was doing and refused to go show up in court with him.<P>Take care HM.<P><P>------------------<BR>Kathy