I was just sitting here thinking why would I want a woman, who say's she doesn't love me and has found the love of her dreams. Why would I want a woman who left me for her dream lover. Why would I want this person in my life she has caused so much pain and sufferring continues to hurt me, doesn't want me. gshhhhhh am I a fool or is my stupid sign flashing on my forhead again. there are so many good woman who are willing to love, trust and care, why want someone who doesn't?

Because you did love this woman in the past. And because you made vows and promised to love her. And love is a decision, not a feeling! And because no one is totally evil. <P>I used to ask that question daily while my H did terrible things to me. <P>Now, after being at Marriage Builders for a while, I have begun to understand where many of my feelings for my H came from. It took awhile, but after understanding how love busting and emotional needs affect the love bank, I began to see where my H still managed to make deposits, keeping me in love with him. Now, it took some time for me to recognize that the things he was doing lacked substance underneath...but when I did, the credit to my love bank lessened... and finally I am finding myself falling out of love. It's been 10 years of marriage, 15 months since he moved out....and I'm only now at a place where I understand WHY I feel the way I do, and can accept it, and not let my feelings hurt me.<P>Now I kind of clinically stand back from myself and examine what is going on....like last night when my husband came bounding into the house with a bag of fireworks under his arm and the naughty badboy grin on his face that I love so much...my heart went flip flop. Aaaah, but now I know....and recognize WHY I am reacting that way....and so it stops just there....and I don't let it spool into something that in the end will only hurt ME.<P>Hope this helps, otherwise just ignore my ramblings!<P>--BR<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Interesting question. I have always asked myself that question, but continued to want and love and desire my H (who is now my ex). I have friends (one in particular) who chastises me for being upset because my ex is such a louse. She believes it should be easy to get over someone when they have hurt you. Fact is, love is stronger than that, and the desire to believe in someone is so powerful. I wanted to believe in my ex desperately. We aren't being unrealistic or foolish or insane or self-degrading. We just love the person and probably have a better understanding of forgiving, marture love than they. <P>Yes, there are many good women who are willing to love, trust and care. But you didn't marry and vow to love and cherish them. You didn't spend part of your life trying to please and love these women. Don't get down on yourself about it. You are not stupid.

Hi J,<P>A good question. Before I had to deal with a WS in my household, I would have said, ya why, why waste your time?<P>Now after living with and through this A stuff, I answer a bit different. Why? Because the BS is not the one in the fog, the WS is. <P>There is an assumption that we are dealing with the same rational person we previously knew. Look, the WS doesn't even know themselves. They are confused, scared, mad, frustrated and trying very hard to fit the square peg into the round hole and losing big time. <P>If you saw your mate in the hospital recoverying and in therapy trying to walk and talk again, wouldn't you be there and give it your all? Well our spouses are in an emotional disfunctional state. While their may or may not be a medical term for their state of mind and body for each case, nonetheless it is a major cry for help. A cry they give but don't want to acknowledge. Remember patients often fight with their caregivers either because they are stubborn or don't understand what needs to be done. Sounds like a WS? Hm.....<P>Are you a fool? Do fools fall in love? Sometimes. But to stay in love takes a lot more. Yes, there are many good men and women out there that can meet our needs, some try, others we wish they would try, but when you love someone there is an internal commitment and until that commitment is out of your heart, you are going to go with your heart, even if sometimes you don't want to. At least that's what I am finding out. <P>And I love my H. Believe it or not we are headed to recovery. I painfully read e-mails where my H told the OW he wanted to spend the rest of his life with OW and how much he loved her. But deep down, when push came to shove H said he could not push aside the love he already had for me. He tried but it just would not go away. Yes!!!!<P>Hope this helps a bit. Life is confusing. We are here to learn how to deal with it. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited May 19, 2001).]