I am just wondering--would it be less painful (separation) if there were no third party? Would it be harder on the ego or easier to take? It seems like it would be harder to fight this kind of breakup. Your thoughts please. The reason I ask is a friend of mine whose husband left her for another woman said that she would have felt better if he had just told her he wanted out and wouldn't have put her through all that goes with an affair. I just don't know. Thank you.

I definitely think so.<P>I would be driven to insanity if I didn't have custody of my daughter. My in "love", crazy, guilt-ridden, fog-brained, selfish XW would be driving me crazy as I would be powerless to provide a "normal" life for my daughter. She would move away with the OM and I would be forced to drive to see my daughter.<P>Oh the day when things fall apart with her and the OM. Statistically speaking, they will. At a minimum, they will be miserable together. How do I know this? My mother and step-father were. 8-o<P>I can easily handle the divorce. I'm okay with it. It just turns my stomach when the OMs name comes out of my daughter's mouth. Oh the day when she understands what infidelity is and can put 2 and 2 together. <P>I'd be nice for my XW to get back to reality so working with her to raise our daughter wouldn't be so trying. <P>Again, having custody is everything when dealing with a WS.<P>

I don't think your friend would have been better off that way. She would tear herself up wondering why, what did SHE do wrong in the marriage to make her H leave. <P>Her H mustve misjudged something in the past or convinced himself of something, for him to have gone off & had an affair. Or sometimes I am beginning to think that there is a mid life crisis, where the man thinks he's better off running. I could not handle stress for my H, he could not deal with it. I question the motives of a woman who did NOT say "I dont want to get involved in your personal life & think you should talk to your wife"!! Oh well, I've gone off the subject. You are a good friend, she will need a lot of support from you right now.<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited May 30, 2001).]

Honestly, I feel better knowing she left for another guy. To me it means that it really wasn't <B>ALL</B> because of me.<P>But I hate having my son exposed to the OM. I'm hoping in time to be able to resolve this situation so that he doesn't have to be around her boyscout, but until that time, I hold my head up and ignore the 2 of them.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited May 21, 2001).]

jennifer7,<P>IMO it is harder to accept when there is no other person. I am going through divorce now, we have three children, and to my knowledge there is no other man. I'm not "in-love" and "I'm not happy" are the reasons I get for the divorce. She will not seek any help to work on these issues. <P>To me this is so senseless. We are putting our children through hell because she's not happy. I've really tried to find other man and can't. I guess I wish there was another person because then at least I'd have a reason. Then again, if there was another person, the chances of us getting back togother would be 0% instead of our current 1%.<P>Just rambling on now.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

well as far me, I personal would still feel the pain of being left. But at least i would have some respect for my wife. But this crap about going and having an affair(EA or PA) and then coming and saying you want a divorce cause your "not happy"..that is crap.<BR>I have NO respect for her...none..not any at all.<BR>As this crap about wanting to "be friends"..let me tell you what that is all about..<BR>Your ex's really dont want to be friends..the just want you to say "ok we can be friends" so that will help with their guilt. The think if you still wanna be friends then you are ok with what they did to you.<P>But back to the other subject. I just hate that my wife left me for someone else.. i feel like she thinks that she is "upgrading" to a better model.<BR>So me personally i would rather there be no one else in the equation.<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

I imagine it's hard to tell, unless you've been in both situations and can compare. In my own case, I have a little bit of evidence pointing to there being an OM, and a lot of evidence pointing to there being no OM. Frankly, I doesn't really matter to me whether there is an OM or not. Either way, I've been betrayed, abandoned, and vilified. Either way, I know who <I>I</I> am, and I know the terrible price in guilt and fear that my wife is paying.<P>I spend a lot of time praying for my wife. I spend a lot of time experiencing my pain. (Every time I remove my focus from whatever project I am involved in - be it at home, or at work, or in the car - I experience anew a sharp pang of stunned disbelief as reality rolls in on me again. Ten months has flattened out the roller coaster, but the pain itself is not lessened one whit.) I spend virtually no time at all wondering about an possible OM.<BR>