Is this a life? You tell me. Get up go to work think about ex-wife and how much I still love her. Come home think about ex-wife and everything she's said and done since she left 15 months ago. Get up, go to work, take care of and love my daughter every other week, hear how she wants to spend more time with me cause her mom is too busy with her "career", school and boyfriend to spend much time with her. Daughter is in counseling but has hit a brick wall of sorts and won't open up to the counselor or me for that matter about what has happened lately to trigger her down slide. I don't know what to do. As for me, I'm sliding back as well, just when I thought I was doing okay I'm in the pit of despair and dealing with all of the same emotions all over again. My daughter's counselor suggested that possibly she's picking up on my depression and is reacting in kind. She suggests that I go to counseling to try and get help to let go of my former life. Does counseling really work? I've been to a couple of them already and both have said to just get on with my life but how do I do that? Why can't I let go? Thirteen years is a long time to be devoted to someone and to love them with your heart and soul and to be told by them that you are the only person they'll ever want and they'll never leave only to have them refute all that when something better comes along??? Why can't I stop crying? When does the pain stop? I try and concentrate only on my daughter when she's with me and that helps alot but when she's with her mom, everything reverts back to square one and the dwelling on the past starts all over again. The questions begin a new, "WHY?" I can't help it, I think I need help. They say depression is not something that you can just snap out of that it tends to worsen over time, is this true? Thoughts anyone? Ideas? Please help, I'm stumped and stuck to say the least. I just want to be happy again. <BR>Thanks, Jax.

Jax,<P>Don't you have any extra time during the week with your daughter?<P>Do you live too far away?<P>Working with the kids... on their homework...<BR>...doesn't sound like fun... but you can get so close that way!<P>You have my prayers.<P> <P>Jim

Jax...<P>Have you talked to your doctor about your depression? If not, pls do so. "Situational" depression often does resolve with time, but sometimes you get "stuck". They've found now that it can actually cause changes to brain chemistry, so you can end up with a real biochemical problem that prevents you from being able to "snap out of it". Anti-depressants can help balance the biochemistry, and often are needed only for 6 months or so.<P>As for counseling, yes, it can work. But often it works better when the brain chemistry is under control. Hard to make progress otherwise...<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi<P>

Jax:<P>I'm not as far in the separation/divorce process as you, but I feel exactly the same way. I've asked millions of times to myself and to others, HOW DO I GET OVER HIM? How do I give up the hope that he will come back???? Anyway, I know how you feel. The best part for me is that I have custody of my boys so I only miss EOW with them.

And I am on anti-depressants! Alot of good they are doing, huh?

Hey Jax, old friend. I was wondering how you were doing since it's been so long. I'm sorry to hear that you are still having a tough time with all of this. I'm glad to see you back here though because I think you will get some continued good advice.<P>My best suggestion for you is to check with your doctor about getting you on a low dosage of anti-depressants and to continue on with some individual therapy for yourself. I was on a low dosage of Paxil for about 6 or 7 months which helped me out a lot. A friend that I work with is also on Paxil and it has made a world of difference in her. <P>I really don't have any other suggestions at this time, but both things I mentioned helped me through my depression.<P>Keep in touch....<P>(p.s., did you ever untie Java?)

dear jax,<P>Im new to this and i dont really know your story, but you brought back some memories for me, I went through a bad divorce and custody battle with me ex, but the thing that was differant for me was I knew it was coming things were heading down hill for awhile and the things he did to me made me really hate him and I think thats what got me through the really rough times, sure I was really hurt but I took me a long time to get over it, but I kepted myself busy and did things with my children. but I guess what im trying to say is get out and do things, get involved with other people, make new friends, try new things, you will be suprised how much that helps!!! even if you have to drag yourself to do it!!! but you have to try, for yourself and your child, and what helped me the most is I talked to anyone who was willing to listen, cause it did make me feel better when i did. I hope things will get better for you. and I know that one day you will feel better about yourself. just take one day at a time and you will see that things will get easier and that the pain does ease up, thats what I did and soon I didnt even notice the pain any more. so Hang in there and remember your not alone!!!!!!

Jax,<P>What I am about to tell you is pur opinion and my experience...<P>I am comming out of depression....It kicked my [censored] for 4 months or more...I have a really good councelor, he has an inaite gift for drawing information out of me...I told him I was depressed and you know what he told me?? He said that I needed to embrace it, stop fighting it and just be depressed..<P>Wierd advice, huh? Let me tell you, when I stopped fighting it I surrendederd to facr that I was depressed. With surrender comes acceptance, with acceptance come the willingness to change. This is a bizzare paradox but for me it seems to be working.<P>The get over it advice pisses you off more than it helps, don't it? How dare someone that doesn't know how I feel tell me how I should feel! In fact what it did made me feel even worse!<P>Once I surrendered to my feelings I continued in my depression for a good 2 weeks then something strange happened...I got a little willingness to change....I did one thing I knew I needed to, I felt like I could accomplish something...Then I got some more willingness. Now the past week I have been up at 0530 every morning hitting the weights and eating right and going to bed....This is the best week I have had in months! <P>I have read that weight training makes you body create endorfins, thes endorphins are the same ones that your body stops making when in a depressed state. They are the same endorphins that Meds try to create..Plus..You have a good feeling of accomplishment by doing a routine and seeing results..<P>This is my experience...I hope I helped...IM me or email me if you want to talk more.<P>Bill

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wierd advice, huh? Let me tell you, when I stopped fighting it I surrendederd to facr that I was depressed. With surrender comes acceptance, with acceptance come the willingness to change. This is a bizzare paradox but for me it seems to be working.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This works for me with just about every emotion or problem I have!!<P>

Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom it really is appreciated. I think it's all a combination of my own feelings but mostly I see what's it's doing to my daughter and I'm powerless to do anything about it. I sort of feel like a fish out of water. I'm a husband without a wife and a father without a family. The 50/50 time sharing I have with my daughter just doesn't seem to cut it, I need more. Selfish? Perhaps, but not as selfish as the act that created this mess in the first place. When I do have my daughter I spend as much time with her as possible and just show her that I love her and care for her and that seems to be getting the best results from her over all. <BR>The getting out and doing things advice has been nagging at me for some time now, I heard that it helps alot but I just can't seem to make the effort. I'd rather be here sequestered away at home than out amoung people where I feel that they don't need to see what I've become. I'm going to try and find another counselor only this time I'm not going to go in there with the attitude that he/she will tell me what I want or need to hear to make me feel better but with the attitude that this person will just listen to me offer some help and maybe since I'm paying this person I won't feel guilty for unloading on him/her as I do with some of my friends. I just feel like it's burdening them so I've stopped. As for my family I can tell that they are getting angrier at my ex and what she did everytime I say something mainly because I think it's because they love me and my daughter so much that they can't stand to see the pain this whole thing is causing us. I was on meds for a while and it did help but I stopped it soon after because I didn't like the idea of not knowing if these feelings of elation were genuine or not and it bothered me that I may not know if I were truly over my ex or not while on the meds so I stopped, thinking that when I felt better then for sure it was me and not the meds, well I haven't felt better. Thanks again all. Bill I may take you up on that. Oh and Shawn, she's been untied for a while now, the only things binding her at present are ropes of her own making. Later. Jax.