My wife recently told me that she loves me but is not in love with me. She told me this a month ago after we were married 20 years. We have 3 children. I want to try to get our marriage resolved but she tells me she doesn`t even want to try. I told her we could both chang and work on it together, she only says she doesn`t want to try. We have been in somewhat of a rut the past few years, not showing much affection to each other, pretty much going through the motions. When she told me this it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I am having a tough time coping. She doesn`t want to discuss this and when I try to she only gets angry and brings up ythings that i said or did years ago that hurt her. I love her very much and don`t want her to leave. she says she wants to be left alone to think about what she wants now. Should I give her as much space as she needs and not discuss this with her anymore? She is still living in the house and is sleeping by herself.I have never been unfaithful to her and don`t think there is another person in her life. She has nothing to looses bytelling me if she did. We have always put our kids first and never took time for ourselves. Now she says she wants to make herself happy and is not going to worry about anyoune else. Ever since the day she told me she has been very angry when I want to talk. But before that day none of this had come up. She said that this has been pent up in her and it was a relief to let it out. Please help, I don`t know what to do. When I try to do something nice for her to show her I can change she teels me I haven`t done that in years and don`t start now. I`m stuck<BR>

confused...<P>Sounds as if you let things go unattended for too long. Like a garden you have to get the weeds out immediately or they take over and kill the good stuff. avoiding or burrying your head in the sand never works in marriage. You cant argue with her cause it will only make her more determined in her feelings. You can only tell her how much you love her and you dont want to lose her. She will probably leave eventually and if she truly loves you she may find she doesnt want to live without you. then there is the opposite reaction...she may find she loves her new life and you will have to accept it. Dont leave any stones unturned and dont give up til you've exhausted all your options. At least no one can say you didnt try to save your marriage.<BR>

jonquil- Why do you think she will probably leave? I can only hope she doesn`t. She has been my whole life for 20 years. I have been doing little things for her with no complaints from her. right now something is really wrong with her and she doesn`t seem to want to talk about it. It only gets ugly when we try. I don`t want to avoid talking about it only wait a few weeks to give it some time until we can discuss it with some guidelines. She also doesn`t want me telling anyone about this. I really don`t think she knows what she wants right now. That is my main reason for giving her as much time as she needs. I do respect your opinion and appreciate your response. I can only live with hope because I can`t bear to think about life without her. Thanks

confused,<P>I said that she would probably leave out of my own experience. That doesnt mean that your wife will leave and I pray she doesnt. It's just that when a woman tells her husband that she loves him (cares and respects)but is not "in love" with him, it usually means she has no physical desire for him, or no passion. I was in your wife's shoes many years ago. I was married to my then husband for 9 years and I was not happy and I was not in love with my H anymore. I stayed for many reasons...one being that divorce was an ugly word and I knew it would devastate my H. I also slept by myself. I love and respected my H, but there was no passion left in my heart for him and absolutely no desire for him. I finally got the courage up to ask for divorce and separate. Your wife hasnt mentioned divorce or separation, which I suppose is a good sign. But I know the relief she said she felt after she told you. It was a relief to me also after I told my H. For the nine years of our marriage we never did the things a normal couple would do and there was very little sex. My H blamed himself for our marriage ending and said he didnt show me enough passion, which was true. He could not change my mind, because I knew that any love I felt and passion was dead, except for the respect I had for him as a good man and the father of our child. <BR>I dont know what good this post is doing for you and is probably making you feel more hopeless. All I can say is that you cant talk her out of it, but give her the space she needs. But after a respectable time, you have the right to know what to expect from her. She owes you an answer. My prayers are with you.

jonquil-She did say she wanted to leave.Right now we need two incomes. Why couldn`t you fall back in love? I thought that it could happen. Why couldn`t you fall back in love with your husband? If she could just find a small part in her heart for me I know things could be different for the rest of our lives. We have been together for over 20 years and I love her more than everything. What you told me scares the hell out of me

confused,<P>I think I need to stop giving my advice to others on this forum if I am scaring people. It was not my intention to scare you. My experience was just that...mine, and your wife could very well find the love she thinks she has lost for you. Like I said, please dont give up, there still is hope. But sometimes when love dies, it dies and there is no resurecting it. If that is the case for you, then ask the Lord to help you thru it and to accept it. I cant tell you why the love I thought I felt for my ex husband died, except that I was too young and he was too ungiving. But about a year later he met a wonderful woman and fell in love with her and they married. They are more suited to each other than me and he ever were. <BR>20 years is a long time...I pray you will have many more together. Hold on to hope.

20 years together? Why did you stay together so long? Because you loved each other, that's why. Love is not just a feeling but a choice. When the feeling part fades for any amount of time, the choice part must take over. You have to choose to act in a loving manner and the feelings will likely follow. Right now your wife is not ready to make that choice, but she may come around.<P>20 years together is a long time. The mindset your W is in right now is likely skewed - meaning that right now all she can remember are the bad times and the problems. <P>The book "Divorce Busting" could probably give you some insight into what is going on. It is good because it is also aimed at marriages where only 1 spouse wants to try and work it out. It also has plenty of examples of problems that develop after long-term marriages, I think 20 years would qualify.<P>Right now your wife is thinking that she could be happier alone, this is somewhat of a myth in that she's probably never really been alone and the realization of a single life will hit her much harder than she can imagine.<P>I believe that love can be recaptured, refocused and be better than before. Don't give up hope, take a read through Divorce Busting and let us know what you think!

Alice29,<BR> What is this book you mentioned, "Divorcebusting"? I too could probably use that. I have been M. for 13-1/2 years, and right now, if my H. asked for a divorce, I'd be delighted to give him one. I'm so tired of explaining how I feel to him. He just doesn't get it. We always end up on the topic of sex and I always end up yelling at him. I'd just rather not deal w/him at all. I find excuses to get away from him. If it wasn't for his income I'd probably take the 3 kids and go back to N.Y. I don't care if we stay 2-gether or not. Maybe this book would help give me perspective. What do you think?<BR>Nice to meet you, by the way.

jonquil-What scared me was to thought of her leaving. I respect and appreciate your opinion and telling me about your situation. I do know that different thigs can happen to different couples. Alice- I think you are right about her thinking that she would be better off alone. she never has been alone. I won`t stop fighting to keep our marriage together. I still thik I need to give her more space. Yesterday we had a long talk together. No fighting, just talking. We told each other things we schould have said years ago. I told her I wanted to change and she said she could see the difference the past few weeks. She said she may want to take some time to go away by herself for a few days to think. That might not be a bad idea. She still lets me do little things for her. We still sleep apart. I truely believ that we can put our marriage back on track and it will be better than ever. I told her that and asked her to tink about all the other things I said yesterday. She said she would. I think deep down she still cares. But like Alice said all that is on the surface Is why she doen`t like me too much right now. Where is this book divorcebusting? Any other thoughts? The hardest part is having the patience, and to conyinue to give her space so It doesn`t seem like I`m pushing.

hi guys, Divorce Busting is a book by Michele Weiner-Davis. I am finding it helpful so far, I haven't been married very long so my H and I don't have a lot of the patterns of interacting with each other that she talks about.<P>Cbeth, one of the things I associated with your post and the DB book is this - in DB it says that if at first you don't suceed you try, try again right? But more often then not you try the exact same thing again and get the exact same reaction from your spouse. The key is to try a different response, you say you always end up talking about sex and you yelling at him - this is a pattern that you need to break. Read DB, I can't explain it properly. There is a website www.divorcebusting.com - many of the methods compliment Dr. H. But read the book you will get more from it than from the website.<P>confused - it is soooo hard not to push when all you want to do is make everything better right?!? The DB book talks about the myth of single life after divorce too, it helps you to realize that every action you make causes a reaction from your spouse. I find Dr. H.'s material makes a lot of sense to me, I am trying to combine the two approaches as a lot of people on this board do. It also helps me to back off my H because at least I feel by reading books or articles I am still trying to work things out while giving him space and the time he needs.

I cheched out that divorcebusting site and I think I`ll try to find the book. You are right, it is so hard to give it time. I keep feeling that the more time we go not sleeping together, touching or kissing the more distance it puts between us. I will do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together if if she doesn`t want to try. I really want to make her happy.

edited<p>[This message has been edited by Willis (edited July 20, 2000).]

My wife really isn`t arguing. When I wanted to talk she would get angry about things she said I said years ago that hurt her. When we talked the other day these same things, and more came up. I don`t even remember saying most of them. I`m not saying I didn`t say them , but I just don`t remember. She never brought them up before and I don`t understand why now. The last talk I think was more helpful. She is the one that wanted to talk. i think the more she tells me the more I will understand. I also told her things about her that I never told her. Good things, reasons why I love her, what I think about her. I don`t know why I never said them before. There is no affection at all. Not even in the morning or before we go to work. She doesn`t even want to. So I will wait longer

WOW confused58, when I read your post I thought I was reading my life. My W and I have also been married 20 years with 3 kids. She told me about 3 months ago that she didn't think that she loved me anymore and that she wasn't sure anymore about any of her feelings. It sure was a shock. We talked and we both realized that neither of us had been meeting each others needs. She had been getting some or all of her emotional needs from someone else on the net. It hurt very much when I found that out. She has said the same things to me as your W has told you. That she needs space and time to get her head together. That she has been ignoreing herself over the last 20 years and it is now time to spend time for herself. A lot of this hasn't made much sense to me but I have tried to give her space and just worry about what she is doing with that space. We are seeing a marriage counselor (2 visits so far) and she has said that she wants to work things out, which is good. I wish I knew the magic words to solve both of our problems but I haven't been able to find those words. I have thought about leaving, but the kids and finaces kind of put a stop to that. Then I think that since she feel out of love with me, then she should leave. She is also worried about what the kids will think of her if this information gets out to them. We act civil to each other, kiss each other goodbye, sex occasional but the passion that used to be there is just not there all the time,,,only occasionally. Talking has improved the situation, we never talked liked this before and that was part of the problem. I think that we have to keep talking, about anything and everything. I hope both of them come back to us. Good luck and if you find the magic words, please, please let me know.

Alice-I got the book divorce busting and I too am trying to combine the two. I have started to change. Do you think it would put my situation back if I tried again to talk to my wife and tell her about the changes we both could make. That we could do things separately and try to work on our marriage,or do you think I should give it more time. I don`t want to go backwards, I think we have made a little progress lately. I would appreciate anyones point of view. Sometimes what I think would be a good idea turns out to just hurt our relationship even more. It`s good to get another view.

confused, hope you had a good weekend. If your W is anything like my H - which I think she is - I would wait for her to bring up your relationship.<P>My H is in withdrawl mode right now - when I bring up our relationship he doesn't really talk - I end up talking 'at' him rather than with him. The couple of times he contacted me we got a little further, if he is in the mood to talk we make a little progress. <P>I too am wondering if I should give talking to him another shot. If I were you I would try to change some things on your own first, leave it for her to bring up the relationship. Since you are still living in the same house, she will likely notice the changes you make even if she doesn't comment on them. Give it some time - so hard I know. Keep us posted!<p>[This message has been edited by Alice29 (edited 03-30-99).]

Confused--<P>How old is your wife? You say this just "all of a sudden happened? For no reason?" <P>Did you ever consider that your wife may be going through menopause? I say this because I watched my parents go through this sort of thing. My mother would like "zap out" all of a sudden for no reason. Recalling things that we said or did years and years ago. She also went through the I'm not sure I love you anymore stage. I mean we went through HELL!!! And I didn't even live there! We really felt sorry for my dad. She was so out of control that one evening at a restaurant my dad said something that she didn't like and she grabbed the poor man's testicles RIGHT UNDER THE TABLE!!!!! My dad turned about 14 shades of blue. He tried everything to please her and nothing worked. Like you his efforts were thrown out the window.<P>Women go through severe hormonal, physical and emotional changes with the onset of menopause and to tell you the truth most of us don't realize what's really happening. We just think that she's being nasty when in fact she has a serious medical condition.<P>It wasn't until she went to her gynecologist that we all noticed the kinds of changes that she was going through (boy, don't we women have a lot to look forward too?). The doctor prescribed hormone replacement therapy and a few other medications to help her and us (Thank You Jesus!). Within a few weeks she was back to her old self again. And my dad had his wife back in bed with him again. (This crazy woman started sleeping in the guest room, on the couch anywhere but her own bed).<P>Encourage her to see her GYN. If menopause is the problem, it can be helped. If not, well then I suggest some serious prayer. I'll be praying for you as well.

She is 38 and I had ead that this could happen at this age. She said this isn`t so, but I`m not so sure. She won`t even considder going to the doctor. She too is sleeping on the couch. Over a month now. This seemed to really start in January, She told me in the beginning of February. I can`t make her go to the doctor. And I really don`t know if that is it.When i do talk to her again I am going to suggest her to go to the doctor, just for a check up. She really hasn`t been feeling that well. She has seemed to loose a lot of interest in anything but herself. Her looks, clothes and her friends seem to matter first right now. I think I`ll just continue with my plan of changing and see what happens. If she wants to talk, I`ll make myself available. Thanks for the imput. Alice, I appreciate all of your advice. Sometimes whwn I feel like I`m not getting anywhere I review all the posts to my original message and I gives me confidance to continue trying. I have gone back over the areas you suggested in the DB book.

Confused--<P>Yep! She's ripe for da' pickin! Menopause can start as early as 35. In fact, my mother was about her age when she started. You say you can't get her to the doctor? Well, actually all women should see their doctor at least once a year. This is what I did to my "stubborn-as-a-mule-and-you-can't-make-me-go" husband. I caressed him, cooed to him (Baby, when was your last appointment, sugar dumpling?"), told him how important he was to me and how much I loved him and I can't stand to live without him. Didn't force the issue. Melted in my hands like an M&M in your mouth! Try it and see how that works. If not, we may have to call in the Marines! I'm still praying for you because if it is menopause and she refuses to see her doctor, you're in for a very bumpy roller coaster ride.

Hi, I'm reading these posts about wives no longer loving their husbands. Does anyone have advice for a wife who's husband told her that after a 12 year relationship, he's not sure if he loves her or ever really did? I'm going insane trying to figure out what to do to save my marriage. My husband told me that I'm a great mother, wife and friend. He said he does care for me and is interested in what's going on in my life. He's not sure about the loving me part...I have been EXTREMELY supportive and have listened to him in the most un-judgmental way possible. I've encouraged him to talk about his feelings but he said he doesn't want to say anything that would hurt me. So he keeps everything bottled up inside so that he won't rock the boat. He continues to sleep in our bed, even though he tells me that he's not attracted to me mentally, physically, or sexually. He continues to give me a hug and a kiss when we meet/depart. I've asked him if he does this because he wants to or because he feels he has to. He told me that he's not sure. <P>I've approached him about marriage counseling. Right now he's going thru personal therapy to "figure himself out" so I've put off scheduling any therapy relating to our marriage.<P>Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm really scared, hurt, depressed, etc. I'd appreciate any information!