Sending hugs your way for tomorrow too!!<P>(((((waiting)))))<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

(((((~Cheryl)))))<P>Thanks, I am 15 minutes in to the one hour allotted for divorces, and I don't think she ever found the marriage license. I feel a little silly. The papers are signed, and she is just jerking me around. Ordinarily, I'd be hurt, but really, as much as it hurts, just do it already. It would move things along. I'm going to call at about 10:15, and see if she got it, or not. Seems like she thinks its a new weapon, but I mean, I signed the papers, so what's up with that? She does not like not being able to throw her weight around in the house anymore. She also does not like having to stay there. Its hard to see her frustrated, and then again, its refreshing to see that her 'peace' is not that peaceful. Put down your axe, Teri. Either way, quit fighting. No one is fighting back anymore. Oh, excuse me. so now I have homework to do. I'll post after lunch. Have a great day, Cheryl, hugs are coming back to you. THANKS. -Mike<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited May 22, 2001).]

Oh, I'm so glad you saw this! <P>I'm sorry that you're going through this whole thing, and that you feel jerked around. Blech!<P>Yes, please check in again after lunch. <P>...and thanks for the hugs!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

She did not file. I'm still at work for another hour, then I'll be back.

WOO HOO!! <P>I'm so happy for you... maybe some hope on the horizon?<P>

Yes, it makes me hopeful. Funny how I'm noticing her displaying all of my negative qualities (or maybe, its easier for me to notice them in her, since I'm consciously avoiding displaying 'annoying behavior' with her.) She is sabotaging this, it seems. Anyway, it is another day, and she is getting generally frustrated. She's a full time smoker now, just not in the house. She is also drinking more often, but she's not a big drinker to begin with. The disturbing part is that she seems distanced from the kids, but I am closer than ever, 'aaaandd loving it.' She is also staying at female friends' houses, the message being, I think, that I'm supposed to worry where she is, with whom, etc. There is no OM, but she is chasing a good friend of mine. He seems to be 'disinterested'. Okay, not going to overanalyze, just take God's gift and thank him for it...and use the opportunity to make some deposits. Thanks for the support, it helped tremendously. Talk to you later...once I get some 'action items' together. OvrCs and BrambleRose have given me more homework. God Bless you all, I think I might be able to work this out someway. Take care.

(((((~Sheryl)))))<BR>Sorry about spelling your name wrong...I've got it now.<P>She did it today...we are divorced. I am simply paralyzed about it. I feel so drained, and empty and rejected, and worthless, and alone.<P>The things she has said, and done...I can't get past it, over it, through it, around it...I am simply in it. This is worse that before. It is cruel irony. I mean, I GET IT NOW...ALL OF IT. Now, I'll never get to use it. Great.<P>Now, I am going to have to file bankrupcy, and I have a 'new' bill to boot: $91 a week for child support. Great.<P>Everything is just peachy.<P>I need to vent in the most serious manner. I think I have 24 hour Turrets syndrome. !@#$%^&*, if you know what I mean, and if you do, please tell me!<P>WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

OH MY GOSH - ALREADY? Just like that? You can be divorced JUST LIKE THAT? <P>I'm sooooooo sorry. I wanted you to win!! You know though, remember the Gavin and Pattie story, and hold it in your heart... they did reconcile after the divorce. It can happen!!<P>Again, I'm so sorry!! <P>oh, and p.s., thanks for the name-fix!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Yes, it makes your head spin, doesn't it? She apparently didn't even have time to tell her Mother. Oops, I did! Got a dinner date with Mom. One thing you don't know...her parents are very recently divorced, too. We are going to discuss that very story over dinner tonight. I'm going to Restore Ministries, and get us the workbooks. We will do this together, or fail together.

Best, best wishes tonight.... and let me know how the workbooks are... I've always wondered!!<P>

My bad...her parents are NOT yet divorced. He and his OW just seem to think that they are. I had a good dinner with my 'second Mom', (she really always has been) but she is in bad shape over this. She is, all told, 4 years into her mess, and she overinvests emotionally, so she's basically a basket case. She has moved in with her Mother and step Father, and they are not healthy. She looks a little (lot) careworn. Isn't it strange how the ones of us on this side end up with all of the angst? Gotta go....back soon.

Okay, hold on here... how in the HECK can you get a divorce JUST LIKE THAT? You're in Illinois, I read from your profile... I am NOT getting something here. <P>So, it's over? That's it...? Please explain this to me! I'm seriously considering moving to Illinois and cannot believe what has happened to you!!!<P>Waiting....

Hmmm... what happened??????

You can get anything you want (at Alice's Restaurant...sorry, had to.) by LYING on a legal document. Teri had threatened to sue under mental cruelty, which does not require separation. Now, I know she had less than no case, and prolonging this was good for me, or so I thought. I told her to talk to the children, as they would ultimately be called on, to see where she stood. (I already knew from information they offered me without prompting.) She called me two hours later, and agreed to my terms:<BR>1. Give me my name back.<BR>2. I keep the house, she moves when papers are signed.<BR>3. No maintenance.<BR>4. Joint custody.<P>We therefore backdated the separation (6 months for no-fault, 2 years otherwise) so that she got an 'Instant Divorce' for $146.<P>So, here I am 1 day divorced, she stayed here last night, and I think she is going to move in with her Father, who is getting divorced, too. Yes, its almost like a Norman Rockwell painting, or is that Norman Bates? Not sure, really. This is where it stands, but understand that I did it because now the rules have changed, and believe it or not, its to my favor. Teri does not respect me. She is getting a lot of mileage out of the 'moved beyond', and other alienspeak, but her reality is muck more bleak now. She was denied housing, had to go three times to get the divorce, hasn't even told her Mother that she is divorced, is moving in with her Father, a former Deacon, and current adulterer, and is drinking ALOT now. This is the peace that she told our Priest about a week ago. So be it. I disengaged from her, but I am TAKING CARE OF HER. When she begins to see through the fog, she'll remember that I was firm, and I gave her whatever she wanted within (and some outside of) reason. I have been a pretty good husband to her, but I have been my best in the last two weeks. I want her to think, feel and act of her own accord. I pray for God's intervention every day, and He has helped. The divorce is here, its real, and its final. Now, I am starting over, but understand, when I start another relationship, it will be with Teri, if God is willing.

I'm confused about how your negotiations and terms conversation happened so quickly... you wanted your name back? Why? It is her name also...?<P>And, though you didn't want the divorce, you certainly went along helping her get it. I don't understand that either.<P>While I respect your firmness and loving nature to care for her... I don't understand your rationale! But that's putting you through MY grid of understanding.<P>I REALLY like what you said in your very last line. Maybe symbolically you needed to divorce to start your relationship transformed and healed. I don't know... it seems so extreme! How are your boys coping?!<P>So, she was denied for housing... she was going for low-income housing or what do you mean?<P>Man, you're very thoughtful about this and it seems I'm missing the emotion here. Well, maybe you're just NOT panicking and that's really good. I've come to realize that I can't control what my H does nor do I want to anymore... my attempts to control were out of my fear and not trusting in God. But NOW, I see the larger picture of life on earth and how [censored] happens here but then Jesus comes and THEN and only THEN will we be perfected... to divorce or not to divorce is just part of the cr@p we live with here on earth... the point is that you're committed to your W.<P>Anyway, I'm still baffled by the speed of it all and your willingness to enable this divorce given you get what you want... what's up with that? <P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

The speed was her idea. At first, we were going to separate in house. She had pretty much moved onto the couch 6 years ago anyway. I was pursuing her, and we decided that I would leave. This was still a separation then. I was unable to do that because of finances, so I quit pursuing, but she then said that she wasn't interested in a separation, but wanted a divorce. I said that she would have to do it, and she would have to move. That was mid-April. We came to it this way because she wants it this way. I don't claim to understand it, either...I suppose she is the only one who can truly answer that question. I saw a chance to get something I wanted (the joint custody and my house), and wanted to avoid the ugliness of a suit/countersuit situation. That would've delayed things, but it would have seriously jeopardized the chance of a future reconciliation. You see, I have been to DB, and here, and A Complete Marriage, and dozens of other sites. What I see is that people who do that kind of thing to prove something end up giving up, or are still working on it years later. It saves much love and time to let it run its course. Teri must be seeing that she is not handling this well. Her peace comes out of a bottle, and her friends don't support her. Her family doesn't support her. Her children don't support her. Now, I am not going to not support her. My love for her exceeds my love for myself, and since only 2% make it after divorce, I'm ignoring what 98% say, and concentrating on what my heart says.<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited May 24, 2001).]

Wow... I've been thinking about *what others say* also and realized that there is NO pattern for divorce. Maybe there are odds but if we focus on that, we'll make decisions based on the odds. I much prefer your style of taking your case as unique... because that's what it is, unique. I'm hoping and praying for a reconciliation for you... it may take time but isn't that what you've got... time until Christ comes again or until someone dies - to do the right thing. And that right thing manifests a choice daily...<P>Keep on keeping on my friend. By the way, what about your emotions... you seem very logical about this all so far.<p>[This message has been edited by OvrCs (edited May 24, 2001).]

Logical...probably stretching it some, but yes. Pragmatic is what I'm shooting for. I want to facilitate a reconciliation, not force it. My emotions are just like yours, and everyone else's. I feel rejected, unworthy of love, like a failure all over, etc. I have learned to let it all PHYSICALLY pass through me, and I have begun to 'save off' my reaction, and study it later. That does to things:<BR>1. I am avoiding a lot of LB type BS.<BR>2. I get an idea of why Teri says and does things. This puts a safety on my 'buttons', and I won't shoot myself in the foot by shooting her in the heart.<BR>Its not as clinical as it seems, and is still pretty much stream of consciousness, but once I quit wasting mental energy pining away, I handle spontaneous situations much better, and I feel better. I have been exercising alot. I ride a bike to work when I can (12-15 miles each way), and I am always busy. I feel great, just wish I wasn't divorced, you know?<P>That thing about time did 'finally' dawn on me this past weekend, I had wanted to 'fix it now', and that helped get me here quickly, too. Thanks for posting, you are sharp, and better organized that me, and that helps. I'm going to lunch. Back Later. GOD BLESS YOU, I AM PRAYING FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S VISION TO BE RESTORED!<BR>((((((((((OvrCs))))))))))<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited May 24, 2001).]

Okay, here is what Teri is doing:<BR>1. She is exhibiting all of my LB type behavior from some 15 years ago, exaggerated in my opinion, but that's just my opinion.<BR>2. She is taking every opportunity to show a complete lack of respect for me in my presence, I'm not sure about otherwise.<BR>3. Her life is spent largely at the bar.<BR>4. She is using the children and our friends in her plan to hurt me.<BR>5. She has aligned herself with her Father, and by so doing, moved away from God, which is not good.<P>Having this knowledge doesn't change my end appreciably, my goals are:<BR> 1. Repair finances<BR> a. Get career going.<BR> b. Get payments current.<BR> c. Start saving.<BR> 2. Fix house<BR> a. Lots of little things, some big things.<BR> 3. Repair self-esteem<BR> a. Lots of items here, mostly just doing 1, and 2.<BR> b. Faith relationship with Jesus. He is the Master of my life.<BR> 4. Repair relationship with Teri, and restore our marriage.<BR> This is a full plate, especially since not only does she not support me, she is sabotaging my efforts in an attempt to, I hope, discern the depth of my conviction. She will have to do it full time, however, it goes to my core, and frankly, I'm the 'deeper' of the two of us.<BR> I pray that I will be able to accomplish these goals. I have 75% of the kids behind me (the other is a brooding artist, and I can't get 10 quality minutes with him these days.)<BR> This all stinks in the most major way, and Teri does not respond to a lot of the things I have tried, but I do have a method of responding to her disrespect: I make her leave by saying that she must respect me when in this house, or she is not welcome. Yesterday, she called to ask permission to bathe here. I found that odd. Care to explain that?<BR> It is all quite heavy on me, and I don't know if I'm doing it right, but this is my life now.<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited May 26, 2001).]

Today, she called to see if she could come by tonight to pick up some things, I said yes, and ended the conversation. She came by 30 minutes late, and we were having dinner. Our six year old asked if he could go with her and spend the night (She is sleeping at a friend's house.), and she said no. He started crying, and she left. We ate dinner, and he said, 'I'm not sad, I'm mad.'. I'll tell you that one of the hardest things I've ever NOT done is tell that boy, 'Mommy would rather go out drinking than spend time with you, or any of us. She has moved beyond.' She will, however, be picking them up tomorrow (MY WEEKEND, MIND YOU...THE FIRST HOLIDAY IN THE CUSTODY AGREEMENT.) to take them camping at some friends' house. It really makes me mad that she will not allow me to visit my friends without her there, and like I said this is supposed to be my holiday, not hers. She keeps bringing the issue up, and it has already been decided with much finality, she is just feeling bad about breaking the agreement, or me not insisting on going, I don't know. I lost my alien decoder ring somewhere. Man, I hate trying to figure all of this obtuse crap out sometimes. She is just hellbent on being contrary to me; she is stomping on the buttons hard! I quit defending myself about a month ago, but honestly, I don't know which makes me more exhausted, fighting it, or just watching it. My situation remains largely unchanged, except I may have found some contract work. I'm working on one now, and have another 'in the bag', with a half dozen, or so in the works. Still going to end up with some judgements, and bankrupcy is still looming large. My oldest son (17) finally confessed to me today that he was given a ticket for purchase and consumption of alcohol on his weekend party last week. I knew that something expensive and stupid was up, but...The other three and I have eaten at least one meal together a day this week, and that is some kind of record. We are really enjoying it, I hope it lasts. It would be nice to have Teri, and Aaron there, too, but it does not look good. Aaron might make a couple of appearances, but Teri is still moving away, it seems. This is truly the hard part. I only hope that proves true in the end.