I am very confused right now. I am in the midst of major marital trouble. Over the years, my husband has become emotionally abusive toward me especially when drinking. He is always extremely critical and wants to run our house like a military academy. I have two children from a previous marriage. It seems like his outbursts are becoming more frequent. I have tried talking to him but he just tells me that if I would act differently, he wouldn't be so upset all the time. He says that every house should have rules and I should support him. I feel that he is too strict with the kids and no one is happy any more. I feel that we are all afraid of him and his temper.<P>My mom has asked me to come and stay with her for the summer to think about things. I moved out of state for my husbands job 2 years ago. I'm afraid to leave and afraid not to. Sometimes I don't know why, but I do love my husband. I have come to depend on him completely. I do not work but attend school full time. I want to do the right thing for me and the children.

Hi Leigha, welcome.<P>It sounds to me like your H may be an alcoholic. The rigid "militaristic" attitude, the temper, the refusal to take responsiblity because "Its your fault". The fact that you need to tiptoe around him is pretty telling.<P>You might get some insights by reading this thread:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003002.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003002.html</A> <P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Am I selfish for being hesitant and afraid to leave my life and return to my family who lives so far away? I think my biggest fear is that my h will find someone to replace me with someone who can fit his criteria. I'm sure that sounds totally pathetic but it's just how I feel.<P>I have left before and didn't stay away long. I really think I have a fear of being without him. He has controlled my life for so long, I don't know how to do it alone.<P>I want him to get help so that we can keep our family together. I don't want to throw away 6 years of being together. Maybe I just wish I didn't care anymore. It would make things so much easier.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BrambleRose:<BR><B>Hi Leigha, welcome.<P>It sounds to me like your H may be an alcoholic. The rigid "militaristic" attitude, the temper, the refusal to take responsiblity because "Its your fault". The fact that you need to tiptoe around him is pretty telling.<P>You might get some insights by reading this thread:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003002.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003002.html</A> <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hi Leigha,<P>No, you don't sound pathetic. I know exactly how you feel. I spent much of my marriage feeling the same way. There are still times that I feel lower than a doormat, and completely worthless, because HE doesn't see anything valuable in me. And that is when I have to remind myself constantly that: His truths don't have to be MY truths. And just because HE thinks something doesn't make it true. <P>It's easy to type, it's not so easy to live. When living in a situation like yours, it's very easy to lose yourself. I became completely dependent upon my H for my self-esteem and self-worth. <P>When he left for his OW, I used to call my Al-Anon sponsor and weep for hours. She used to ask me, BR, what is there to admire or respect about his integrity or his character? How can you feel love for a man that has neither your respect or admiration? And I used to say: I don't know, I just love him, and I can't bear the thought of my life without him. I am nothing without him.<P>My fears ruled my life back then. My fear of being alone, my fear of not being worthwhile, my fear of not being good enough....all of these fears made me cling to a man that mistreated me for years.<P>Woah, I was just a tad dependent!<P>I can't tell you if you should leave or stay. I can tell you that when I came out of my denial about my H's alcoholism, I took the kids and went home to my family for 3 months. I spent those three months going to 2 or 3 Al-Anon meetings a week, and working with a therapist on a weekly basis. I was out from under his direct influence, and in a much healthier atmosphere, where I was treated like an adult, and given basic human respect and decency. <P>After only 3 months, I was a completely different person. For my marriage, it was the beginning of the end, because I had gotten healthier, stronger, and had been given the tools I needed to keep myself from falling back into the sick dance of alcoholism. <P>It's been over a year since he left for his OW. He has tried to come back and reconcile, but it failed and he went back to his "magnificant", "sensual", "interesting" OW. <P>And guess what? I'm OK. In fact, I'm not just surviving, but I am happy too.<P>You should not have to live in fear. If you are afraid for your physical safety, then perhaps you do need to leave.<P>Please check out Al-Anon. You may be provided better answers and solutions to your circumstances than you have now.<P>((((hugs))))<BR>--BR<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Thank you BR for your reply. It helps tremendously to talk to someone who has been there, felt like me, and survived an abusive marriage. <P>He has never physically harmed me but I do wear the scars of years of emotional abuse. I have been humiliated in front of my children more times than I want to think of. These are the things that have brought me to the crossroads. I will be leaving on Friday and I am praying for the strength and determination to see me through this. It feels like the biggest hardship I have ever had to endure. I am believing I can get through it and come out stronger and happier. Please say a prayer for me. Thanks!