I had mentioned counseling to H about 4 years ago, 2 years ago I asked him if he would choose counseling or a divorce? He chose divorce. We looked for places to rent and decided to share the house in seperate rooms. It has worked out very well and we go to diner and talk but there is no way he will attend any type of counseling He tell's me it's over, although he tells me I'm a wonderful person the marriage is over because he is not willing to look at himself. I have been asking for counseling for the reason I realized what I had done. My first H of 10 years was abusive,so I picked someone who had trouble showing any emotion but eqauted safety for love, when my oldest son had almost died and he did not participate, I realized what was happing I wanted to be in a safe place to try to work through those issues.I have felt very lonely a long time. My youngest son will be out of school in 2 years and had asked us to hang in so he could finish school, I have 5 years left on my morgage. I have been dating or hanging out with friends. I have found a lot of commitmentphobic people and not much in the way of people serching for qaulity relationships. I have spent a lot of time reading all kinds of books and have talked to counselors.Wow what a world we live in, sometimes I feel mad at him for not working at it but really it was the pickers fault. Is anyone out their?

Well clc, it's never too late to learn your lessons . I am getting out of an abusive, alcoholic marriage and, now listen to me here, I NEVAH, EVAH WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS HELL AGAIN! With that said, I can tell you that I am taking a break right now from almost 2 1/2 years of straight counseling. Ya know, ya gotta take a breather from time to time. Oh, I check in maybe once a month or I call, and I will probably resume in full force once this divorce gains momentum.<P>You guys still live in the same house? Isn't that awkward? I think I would want the privacy of a home all to myself, or to share it with my true beau. Anyway, I suggest resuming individual counseling just for you, you, you. Buy some books/resources to fit your needs (the folks here have awesome knowledge about books and authors), and surf the Internet for useful information and print what you need. I have tons of files in one of those plastic milk crates I bought at Office Depot. Sometimes I do reach in and grab a few to read before lights out at night.<P>For me, I find the secret to successfully changing my attitude is to take a cognitive and behavioral approach. I am so thick. I have to repeat, repeat, repeat ad nauseum before I START to get it. We each have our own emotional speedometer.<P>Vrooooom,<BR>Nell

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by clc58:<BR><B>Wow what a world we live in, sometimes I feel mad at him for not working at it but really it was the pickers fault. Is anyone out their?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>WHOA!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOA!!<P>I respectfully disagree with THAT statement. Excusing HIS behavior and blaming yourself.....WRONG!<P>Yes, "pickers" do have a responsibility to make a good choice based on what they know. However, we don't always know everything.<P>I picked a really good man, based on what I knew at the time. And for most of my 11 year marriage, he was a very good partner, worked at the marriage (not as much as me), was dead-set against affairs, had high morals, etc.<P>How could I have known, when HE didn't even know, that he was gonna lie, cheat, deny God, excommunicate everyone from his life, including his family and have an affair?!?!? <P>So, baby, maybe your purposefully picked a guy who couldn't show emotion and now are facing the reprocussions of that, but not all of us "pickers" are in the same field.....I have a perfectly good RIGHT to be mad as h*ll at what my H did. And while the marriage had as many problems as the next, it was NOT my fault that he decided NOT to work at it.<P>Just my opinion.<BR>Mrs.O<P>(P.S. I'm pretty much over the anger now, but statements like this make me have to set the record straight....)<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited May 24, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by clc58:<BR><B>I have been dating or hanging out with friends. I have found a lot of commitmentphobic people and not much in the way of people serching for qaulity relationships. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi clc,<P>Let me offer my Whoa too! What makes you think you are going to find a man really interested in a quality relationship while you are still living in the same house with your husband? Or is it ex husband? I hate to be the one to tell you this, but guys who date married women do it for a reason, they don't want committment. They only have their mind on the "one thing", and the opportunity to enjoy that experience without the attendant responsibilities of committment.<P>I want to yell at you lady, Are you really in a position to begin a "quality relationship"? Just exactly what does that mean to you. Maybe help us out with a definition?<P>Prayers and stuff<P>Bumper<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bumperii:<BR><B> Hi clc,<P>Let me offer my Whoa too! What makes you think you are going to find a man really interested in a quality relationship while you are still living in the same house with your husband? Or is it ex husband? I hate to be the one to tell you this, but guys who date married women do it for a reason, they don't want committment. They only have their mind on the "one thing", and the opportunity to enjoy that experience without the attendant responsibilities of committment.<P>I want to yell at you lady, Are you really in a position to begin a "quality relationship"? Just exactly what does that mean to you. Maybe help us out with a definition?<P>Prayers and stuff<P>Bumper<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>What I am paying attention to is people in general in what they are expecting in reltionships. I am not ready by any means in having a deep relationship I am working and growing as Person. I was looking to see if anyone has gone through this particular sitiuation. Havig a spouse give up because he doesn't want see himself. I have no desire to sleep around no matter what another's agenda may be. I do enjoy meeting people and seeing what's happening out thier. I can get sex anywhere. I am interested in gaing wisdom through friends and hanging and learning about men from male friends. I have a future goal and that's all I was stating. Thanks <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nell:<BR><B>Well clc, it's never too late to learn your lessons . I am getting out of an abusive, alcoholic marriage and, now listen to me here, I NEVAH, EVAH WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS HELL AGAIN! With that said, I can tell you that I am taking a break right now from almost 2 1/2 years of straight counseling. Ya know, ya gotta take a breather from time to time. Oh, I check in maybe once a month or I call, and I will probably resume in full force once this divorce gains momentum.<P>You guys still live in the same house? Isn't that awkward? I think I would want the privacy of a home all to myself, or to share it with my true beau. Anyway, I suggest resuming individual counseling just for you, you, you. Buy some books/resources to fit your needs (the folks wkwhere have awesome knowledge about books and authors), and surf the Internet for useful information and print what you need. I have tons of files in one of those plastic milk crates I bought at Office Depot. Sometimes I do reach in and grab a few to read before lights out at night.<P>For me, I find the secret to successfully changing my attitude is to take a cognitive and behavioral approach. I am so thick. I have to repeat, repeat, repeat ad nauseum before I START to get it. We each have our own emotional speedometer.<P>Vrooooom,<BR>Nell</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Hi, thanks< I have read tons of books and I have been recieveing marriage builders news letters. It sometimes is awkward, we are not home alot at the same time. We have an agreement. I wonderded if you tried CODA meetings? Good for you. Your in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mrs.O:<BR><B> WHOA!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOA!!<P>I respectfully disagree with THAT statement. Excusing HIS behavior and blaming yourself.....WRONG!<P>Yes, "pickers" do have a responsibility to make a good choice based on what they know. However, we don't always know everything.<P>I picked a really good man, based on what I knew at the time. And for most of my 11 year marriage, he was a very good partner, worked at the marriage (not as much as me), was dead-set against affairs, had high morals, etc.<P>How could I have known, when HE didn't even know, that he was gonna lie, cheat, deny God, excommunicate everyone from his life, including his family and have an affair?!?!? <P>So, baby, maybe your purposefully picked a guy who couldn't show emotion and now are facing the reprocussions of that, but not all of us "pickers" are in the same field.....I have a perfectly good RIGHT to be mad as h*ll at what my H did. And while the marriage had as many problems as the next, it was NOT my fault that he decided NOT to work at it.<P>Just my opinion.<BR>Mrs.O<P>(P.S. I'm pretty much over the anger now, but statements like this make me have to set the record straight....)<P>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited May 24, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hi,wow I sense your anger. I will not excuse his behavior it is his problem, but in fairness I picked the extreme of my first husband and realized what I did. I like to think I am ownig my responsibilty for the outcome because I did not know what the middle is and I am learnig that now. I hope so. I was willing to work through it. I am sorry for your loss, it must have been very painful. Best Wishes ( you know it kind of feels to me like a betrayl because he did not do what he could to save his marriage) That in it self has been hard.<P>