I am leaving my husband and our home tomorrow to go home to where my family is (across the country). My purpose for doing this is to decide if my marriage can be saved or not. I have told my husband I am leaving and have asked him to get help for himself. I have been told by many people (counselors included) that he is an alcholic. He is emotionally abusive to me and my children. He is very critical of us on a daily basis, but only becomes abusive while drinking heavily. <BR>After I am gone, how do I know if he has changed or taken the necessary steps in order for us to work it out. I have never dealt with anything like this and want to know what to expect. He is barely even admitting he has a problem for one thing. He claims that I am equally responsible for our problems and leaving is only going to make it worse. He also told me that if I leave, we are as good as divorced. I'm scared right now and am not going to know what to ask of him once I am gone. What should my expectations be before I give it another shot?

I know he will not get help until he hits bottom, you leaving may be one of the best things that you do for him. Hopefully he will get counseling and go to AA. You will know if and when he has changed. I would not jump back at the first signs of change, he is probably a very good con artist and you will want to belive him. Stay away until you are sure. The best thing you can do for yourself is go to al-anon. Keep going even if you don't think or believe you need it, go regular for several months, they will educate you more than you can believe. Good Luck<P>

Leigha,<P>Good luck. You can make it. Plan B for awhile. Let him see what happens when you are not around and he may come around.<BR>Just understand that he can also decide to go farther away. It sounds like the "best" decision you can make right now.<BR>I am a big believer in that there are no right answers. There are just choices and decisions, which have pluses and minuses and actions and reactions and consequences. I wish you all the luck in the world. You are in my prayers. Good Luck. Chase.

Leigha,<P>I do hope that you start attending Al-Anon during your separation from your husband. <P>If by leaving you hope to force him into getting help, I fear that you will be frustrated and disappointed. You do need to be ready to accept the fact that when you move, it very well may be the end of your marriage. No one can force an alcoholic to get help before he is ready.<P>You are not responsible for his drinking or his abuse of you and the children. You are responsible for your part of your marriage, and I am sure, like all of us, that you did contribute to the difficulties. You might want to spend the time you are away in Al-Anon and/or with a therapist, working on your own issues. <P>When you are feeling more confident, secure and healthy yourself...you will be able to answer your own question about when to give your husband a second chance.<P>I can't tell you if you should go or stay. But if you are having doubts, and you are not in physical danger, it might be too soon to leave, before you have had a chance to work on yourself.<P>I wish you luck!<P>(((hugs)))<P>--BR<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Jabber:<P>Do you know how I can get info as to an al-anon in the area I will be moving to (Springfield, TN). I am very interested in going and know it will benefit me although I have never been.<P>Tomorrow is the big day and everyone's reply here strengthens my decision so much. Thank you!

Leigha,<P>There is no problem finding an Al Anon group. When you get to Springfield, just look it up in the telephone directory. If there is no Al Anon listing, call the number for AA, They are closely associated and someone will direct you. That goes for anywhere in the country. My Mom lives in a small town in Wyoming, population 1093, and even a town that small has an AA group, and the county has an Al Anon group.<P>I don't know exactly what your plans are, but I sure hope you spoke to a lawyer before leaving your home. In these cases it usually works out better if the abusing spouse is the one forced to leave the marital home. You can get a protection from abuse order for psychologically abusive behavior in many states. If you are leaving because you think you and the children are in danger that is one thing. If you are leaving, and intend to make it permanant, that is another. But if you are leaving, hoping that this will change him, I suggest that you make sure you are doing what you really want to do. The laws of most states require that a wife reside in the home with her husband. If she chooses not to do so, the issue of desertion arises.<P>Now, asking what to expect from him. God only knows, and he isn't telling. No alcoholic ever woke up on a morning when the sun is shining and the birds are singing and decided that "this is the day I think I'll do something about my drinking problem." Doesn't work that way sports fans. Alcoholics will seek help most often during a crisis, and at that a crisis he or she can recognize as real, not as something contrived. It usually follows a DUI incident, accident or arrest, disciplinary action at work, financial difficulties and marriage problems. <P>Even if he does seek help, and agrees to enter a rehab program, even they will recommend not changing anything for at least the first year. What happens in most of these cases is that the wife drags the alcoholic husband in and wants to get him and his problem fixed. He goes along with the progam for a few weeks or months just to get her off his back. (Anything just to shut her up.) Then he gets back together with her, and they both decide he is cured. Within a few months, he starts drinking again, and slips right back into the same old patterns of behavior.<P>It's not that easy, alcoholism is a family disease, and everyone around the alcoholic is affected by it. The wonderful folks at Al Anon told my ex that she was even crazier than I was. (And for that, I'll be forever grateful!)<P>The numbers are not promising. Only about one in thirty five people who drink alcoholicly ever recovers fully. About three in seventy seek help and treatment. Of those who seek treatment, roughly one third will get the program, make a full recovery and never drink again. Another third will relapse for a period of time without causing catastrophic damage, and return to the program and make a full recovery. Alcoholism gets progressively worse, and the remaining third and every other alcoholic will progress downhill until he winds up in prison, a mental ward or the grave. <P>Bottom line is right now, quit worrying about helping him, and start working on saving yourself and your children.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper