Haven't posted for a while but here goes.<P>Daughter has been spending more time at her mothers so that she will do her hair before school. I usually end up running her back and forth because x is at work or is tired from working and doesn't want to come and pick d up and we live 2 miles away.<P>I've gotten differing opinions from stop spoiling d to do what ever she needs within reason as I am building fro the long term relationship. I am working on option 2 and running d back and forth. The problem I am having is resentment is building.<P>D went to mothers after school as she was going to watch a baseball game but it was rained out so x picked her up and brought her to her house for about an hour and a half.<P>D called at 4:30 and asked if I could pick her and girlfriend up and take them home. I asked why x couldn't do it and d said because x has to get ready to go to work and eat, etc. X starts work at 7 and leaves around 6:15. I agree but am p***ed.<P>As I am picking d up, x asks what time S soccer games are on Sat. I don't know as they haven't given us the times. I tell x that and she says is working half the day because she didn't know about the soccer tournament. She says the kids probably would be sleeping so thats why she is picking up the extra hours. I didn't say anything. Why would she take extra hours when she was scheduled to have the kids anyway???? I thought things were improving bewteen her and the kids too, but she just isn't willing to spend, actually spend time with them. They are at her house, but doing other things.<P>I probably did the wrong thing as I was angry, but I pointed out d as we were coming home at 5:45 that x would have had time to run her around. S also told me that I would have to take him to the soccer tournament because x "had" to work. I told hims she didn't "have" to work, that she signed up to work extra. <P>I guess that was petty, but I get so resentful that she skates on things with the kids and if I say no I can't do something then I'm the bad guy.

Maybe it's because you are the custodial parent. They know the other one left. Maybe they're trying to see if you are going to do the same thing. Trying to figure out if they can trust you to be there. Maybe they're afraid of losing what they have of their mother.<P>Maybe you're being a push-over.<P>I don't know. But I definitely feel taken for granted by son, by daughter, and by their father.

How old are your kids? Man I tell you what it might cause some tension to begin with and you will need to explain this to your kids, but the mother should live up to her responsibilities and you doing all this stuff for her well she will just keep on doing what she has been.<P>

Another angle.....<P>How much of this running the kids to-and-fro would you have to be doing IF you hadn't gotten a divorce? Maybe it's not all that extra.<P>Also, while I think we should do all we can for our kids, we don't allow them to run our lives. Your W is using them (subconsciously) to get to you, it sounds like. She's actually making it hard on the kids, and they are turning to the only parent left that they can count on. My opinion.<P>Depending on how old your kids are, maybe you can sit down and explain to them how all this running around is taking a toll on you. Then invite them to help find a solution, i.e. maybe your D could teach YOU how to do her hair. That way they get to participate in their lives, learn responsibility and get to see their Mom as much as they can figure out how to do it without making you bend over backwards. (Just make sure you bend over backwards the same amount you would have had you not gotten divorced.)<P>If they take on this challenge, you could give them extra priveledges, i.e. staying up later, more allowance, etc. With responsibility, often comes reward.<P>I don't have kids (just a passel of neices and nephews), so I may be way off base. But sometime I see things in people with kid's lives that they don't. Just another perspective.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><BR>

My daughter will be 14 in July and my son is 10. The extra running around I hate is when I have to go over to x's house and pick up d and bring her home or take her somewhere because x basically won't. She uses her job as an excuse. She works 7-7 either am to pm or vice versa and so she always has to leave when most of the running takes place.<P>I don't even think the kids ask her anymore, they know I will do it so they just call and ask me. I put my foot down about a month ago because they would forget something while at their mothers and then call me and ask me to run it over. I told them when they were at there mother's it was her responsibility to get stuff for them that they forget. <P>That has kinda worked in regards to them forgetting stuff, but now it seems like it's the taking back and forth.<P>It will be interesting to see how often d goes over not that school is almost out(I'm still pushing for year around school!)<P>I guess I shouldn't worry too much though, this will be the third summer the kids will be on there own for a few days a week.

RWD,<P>Hey pal, glad to see you back posting, but I'm sorry to hear you're having problems. I've been though this drill as the custodial parent, and have to admit that I did allow the kids to run over me a little bit. Or maybe I just used them as an excuse not to get seriously involved in a permanent relationship, I don't know for sure any more.<P>My ex wasn't having any part of child support payments and when she needed to do other things than be with the kids during "her weekends", I insisted that kids stay with me, I didn't want them out alone, or at least coming home without adult supervision. There was a time when my attitude toward her was "If your aren't going to meet the parental responsibilities that the kids need, at least don't stop me from doing it for you." It kept the problems of teen drinking and what not to a minimum. They still tried it, but they had to face me when the came in the door, so they got the idea that it wasn't acceptable behavior. When my daughter used to bring boys home, I would meet them holding a softball bat, and ask if they realized that smoking grass caused brain damage.<P>I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I too felt the resentment of being used, of being taken advantage of. The flip side of it is that they are all raised now, educated and handling more responsibility than I ever did. My oldest son now makes more than I do. The first two are married and look like they are doing the things they need to do to keep their marriages together. Now they don't take advantage of me anymore, that job now belongs to the four grandchildren.<P>So, I would encourage you to do anything you can to nurture the relationship with your kids. Deal with the short term problems now. At least for us, it payed off in the long run.<P>In the nearly seventeen years since the divorce I've dated close to thirty different women. The only common denominator in all these failed relationships is me. Women have a tendency to come and go in life, but the kids really are forever.<P>Prayers and stuff, <P>Bumper<P>

Bump,<BR>Thats what a friend of mine has been telling me too. He w left hime for an om and ended up marrying the guy and moving the kids to chicago. My friend said he would run to chicago as much as possible. <P>His sons are both now in the service. The youngest didn't finish college and the mother came down hard on him, so he cam and spent the summer with his dad. Mother and step father asked for car back that they bought him(a SUV)and said he would have to pay back the school loans back.<P>The mother ended up dumping om/h and now is with om2 and the sons are now making plans to move here when their stints in the service are done. My friend says he gets an email about every other day from the boys and their mother gets about 1 per month. She doesn't even know where they are half the time. <P>SO in the end it is working out for my friend. Everytime I complain, he tells me how lucky I am, I have my kids and te house and they come to me for things, not the om.<P>I guess i should thank my lucky stars or the Big Guy up there for this!!!!

Hey, Bob!<P>Sorry that you are dealing with yet more resentment. My take on your situation is this: I believe a large portion of your issue is that your xW left the marriage to abdicate responsibility. By D you, and leaving you as custodial parent, she chose to be a part-time Mommy. She just isn't going to put herself out one iota for your kids. Not that she doesn't love them - I imagine she really does, just not as much as she loves herself.<P>I liked Bumper's advice and post. The bottom line is that even though you feel taken advantage of, YOU, and you alone, are the parent your children are depending on. They know you will take care of them, so they always turn to you first.<P>Another thought is this: Perhaps your children worry that their Mother does not really love them, because she left them to be with the OM. Maybe there is a certain amount of fear within them to request things from her. Your D might think, if I ask Mom, she might get made, or start complaining, and it could reinforce the negative feelings of adandonment she might already be feeling. I would imagine your children have some feelings of abandonment in regards to their mother. <P>Bottom line, is be glad the kids are there and WANT to depend on you. That speaks alot to you and the kind of parent that you are and that your children think that you are. In order to mimimize your own resntment, and to define boundaries for your children, it wouldn't hurt to try to sit down with them and make some ground rules for some of these transportation issues. In a loving way, I think you can express to your 14 yo D that you need to have somje structure to your own life, so perhaps you 2 agree that she will only get her hair done a few times a week, and not everyday, or other terms that are reasonable.<P>Regards, Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

RWD,<P>Don't forget about yourself in the process. That resentment is natural and it is real and it is understandable. Sometimes I would drive down the street punching the seats of the car in frustration. Well, I really taught those car seats a lesson!<P>A good part of divorce is dealing with frustration. Fortunately, we aren't required to like it, but we still have to deal with it.<P>My hat is off to you for doing it. You are a good man, and a good father. And you have the respect of everyone here. But most of all, you are commanding the respect of your children. Hang in there!<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

Bob, buddy, relax, change your point of view from X should be doing her part, which you have no control over, to you are being the responsible parent, and what can you do to teach the kids how to better organize their lives and time to make it more productive with your time constraints. Just because X wants to live her life a certain way, doesn't mean you need to live your life that way.<P>I have a similar situation where X does little to none value parenting of anything but selfish values, disrespectful values, etc. So I look completely like the bad guy, putting boundaries out on how the kids can treat me, what i will accept as good behavior and what i can't. Will it work or back fire? Kids have to earn privileges here, there they get them for being, which creates a sense of entitlement, and X was brought up with entitlement values.<P>right now it is looking like it is backfiring, but i am not sure. but, i am altering my approach to make it more reward for success approach instead of the negative punishment military approach (by product of mililtary training)<P>My question to everyone is, "Is spoiling the child building a long term relationship? Is that the correct way to parent when you divorce?" At what point do you or how do you instill more responsible values? I think that this is important as well, and when some of these values require making the child be responsible for his actions in one house, and not in the other house, which house will the child want to live in?<P>tom<P>good point bob, <BR>keep posting.<P><BR>

It was an interesting weekend in regards to this topic concerning my d. The kids were at their mother's this weekend and d called about 6 times(I wasn't home much) asking about a sleepover for 5 friends Sun nite. <P>I said no because I was going golfing Mon morning and didn;t want all those kids around when I wasn't going to be home. She then asked if I would pick her up from the movies then. <P>So x dropped s off and took d to her friends. D then called and asked if she could spend the night at the friends and I said no, because I needed her to watch her brother on Mon. She was mad but understood.<P>So on Mon, while I was golfing, d called and asked if she could go with friends out for pizza in the afternoon, and I said yes. D called back and asked where her purse was and I happened to remember seeing it in my car. The topper was that her mother had taken d's clothing and dropped off at the friend's home instead of bringing them home here.<P>So of course, my d had "nothing to wear" and didn't have her makeup. She was mad, and I pointed out that it was not my responsibility to remember her purse or where to drop off her clothes.<P>Then last night after my s and I got back from a picnic, d asked me to take her to her mothers. I said I didn;t really want too as I had just came back from that way. I told her to aske her mother to come and get her and if she wouldn't I would take her over. D said she didn't know where x was, but would check with her.<P>D came to me about 10 mins later and told me she wasn't going over last night afterall, so I guess x wouldn't come and get her.<P>Hopefully my d is learning to be responsible for herself. My s seems to have a pretty good handle on it so far.

It sounds like your D learned, at least in part, a little lesson in being responsible for her own stuff.<P>I have a side-comment/question, and I don't know exactly how to say it. PLEASE remember, I don't have kids, although I've worked with kids as a counselor in schools, at church and with my nieces and nephews. But I know it's not the same as being a parent. ANYWAY....I don't want to get flamed or hurt anyone's feelings or make any kind of disrespectful judgements....so, here goes the comment/question:<P>From reading these posts (not just yours...others about kids issues too), it sounds to me like the kids are in control of families these days. It just seems like they are pulling the strings on each and every activity and each and every decision.<P>Is that really what it's like? <P>I notice my friends with their kids and the parents seem exhausted with all the running around they "have" to do with their kids. The kids walk around with cell-phones plastered to their ears and just push a button, and here come the parents' taxi service.<P>I know kids like to be involved in after-school activities and stuff, but it seems like it's getting ridiculous. Is this really good for kids? <P>AGAIN PLEASE don't think I'm judging you....I am seriously wondering. I've mentioned this to my brother and his four kids and he says "I don't understand, that's just the way it is these days." Well, as someone looking in at this from the outside, I really want to understand. His kids can't sit still for more than five minutes without talking on the phone or running to the mall.<P>I just can't see how this much activity crammed into a kid' life can be good. I won't even compare this to the way I grew up, but I'm starting to worry about kids today...are they being overstimulated by so much activity? Are they being given too much "power" over the activities of the family as a whole? <P>(Okay....I know I sound like fuddy-duddy, but I was a phychology major with emphasis in childhood development and worked for years with deliniquent kids. I really do think I have an open mind towards a child's development...)<P>Please don't flame me....help me understand. Thanks.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited May 29, 2001).]

Hey Mrs O,<P>No flames here. You have some good observations. I am not sure whether it is the kids or the parents that want to be involved in everything.<P>I think most parents want everything for their kids and want to be their friends or just want rid of the kids for most of the day/night. This in turn puts pressure on the rest of the parents to conform and then again not wanting to get the kids mad at us, we oblige.<P>Sports gets crazy too. It seems like they get younger and younger travel teams. Also depending on the coach, the number of practices vary from 1-2/week up to every day. <P>A friend's(not real close any more and my x lives right beside him)son played 5 baseball games over Memorial Day weekend. IN one game he pitched 85 pitches. He is 11 yo.<P>I try to balance what the kids do. I limit them to one sport per season although they sometimes overlap. I try not force them to go to games/practices although I emphasis that they made the committment.<P>I still working on the social activities especially with my daughter.<P>I think I probably let my kids overdue it because I am over compensating from my childhood.<P>I grew up in a rural area and only my father drove. He left for work at 5am and got home at 5pm, so he didn't have time to run me places. Most other parents in my area were the same.<P>I have a friend that really limit what the their kids do, only certain amount and type of TV, not too much fruit juices, only healthy snacks, etc. and you know what, I think they are real odd parents. There kids are 9 & 5. I'm not around them that much, but I don't see much difference in them from my kids.

((((((((BOB))))))))))<P>Ok , now I'll probably be the one to get flamed but you know that no matter what, I'll answer honestly.<P>I know your a great dad and love your kids, and you probably feel badly just like me, that the kids have had their home broken up thru an ex's selfishness.<P>But what does the visitation agreement state? Your ex leaves for another man, and uses her job as an excuse to get out of her fair share of transportation? Is this fair to you?<P>I'm sorry if I sound bitter, but I am running 2 of my 3 kids to soccer 4 nights a week, girl scouts, brownies and may is also flute concert month, and 6 month dental check up month for 3 kids, 1 well visit because my daughter turned 10, you get the picture.<P>The custodial parent does run the kids to most of these events, which we do out of love and its not a problem, but I guess I believe for the extra visits, let the non custodial come get the kids. <P>As parents, we tend to want to let our kids experience what we did, or what we missed out on, or whatever they want. Sometimes, I see in my own life, my kids DO in fact run my life, as Mrs. O stated. Not by choice. If you saw my calendar, you'd laugh, there is not one day with NOTHING going on!<P>This is not easy, or the most fun experience every moment but I do it so my kids, will be productive, and not play videos, watch tv all day or get into drugs out of boredom as teens. But I don't have any time in my life, to run my kids to daddy's house.<P>So I guess my answer would be, go back to the visitation agreement and stick to it, so you don't get taken advantage of.<P>Do I sound angry today? Here's why. Last weekend I asked ex to watch the girls so I could go to a dreaded wedding. He said no. Said OW had to be out of town and he had to work. I sent the kids to HIS aunt's house. Baby Taylor who is now 3, and has received lots of prayers from everyone here, got attacked by a cat and needed stitches in her beautiful angelic face. THANK GOD for this new glue that replaces stitches, but anyhow, I called ex. Turns out that night, he and OW went out drinking all night, and were going out of town together later that day, so he took day off to spend with her. Meanwhile, he yelled at me for leaving the kids. So anyway, to make a long story short, "what if" this could have been avoided? I'm a little "anti ex" right now, sorry <P>I have no problem working with the ex for the kids, and to help each other out. I don't think you do either. <P>don't be a stranger on the board, <BR>Hugs, Dana

Timely, Mrs. O, very timely.<P>I agree with you, and just came from a parent-teacher conference where it is clear that the custodial parent does not know what the kids are doing, treat the kids as equals, in stead of children, and would like nothing more than to side with the kids for having tough rules at my house, such as you have to practice conversation at the table, and manners, and respectful talk, and challenging conversations, where one has to defend their statements with something other than <I> feelings </I>.<P>The kids do not like coming here, as i have rules, not always enforced consistently, but i try hard. And lately, kids have been very defiant to my telling them that they may have to do something they don't want to do. I was told by 12 yo son that i was going overboard with my leadership kick.<P>As a coach, it really sucks that some very good players randomly come to practice and games. The fact that they get to choose about their level of commitment is not good, because when else will they learn perseverance and commitment when today, if they just don't feel like it, they get to say, "sorry, not today, it doesn't feel right!"<P>So RWD, i don't like that type of parenting, my view, if they joined a team, they go with the team unless there is something special about the activity they are substituting.<P>Also, the kids need to learn how to react to supervision, with regular supervision, not just lecture about choices, and then let them make their own. More often than not, they learn by doing themselves BETTER than the lecture method. So what looks very cold to my X, and strict, actually gets the message across so that they learn it.<P>Anyway, i had this battle today, with X after parent-teacher conference about son. She doesn't track homework, does not reward achievement, and didn't know that kid did not turn in lab, got a zero, and reduced his grade about a letter. She doesn't check what he says against what he does. lectures him, but he gets what he wants as its his decision. Subsequently, he does not learn the value of hard work, or that there is any reason for not playing. <P>heck, his parents split up because the dad worked quite hard to get a final promotion, and when that happened, their mom told their dad she wanted out. and today, she complained that i worked hard for the almighty dollar. And she replaced me with a person who works with his hands. So where would the kid learn to work hard? and there is no reason to have to work hard from X's point of view, she has a house given to her for her job, and she has her BF's camper. that's all she wants out of life. and she got it all as part of her job, and people at her job.<P>i'm a little bit steamed as i criticized for being over bearing, work too hard, emphasis on success, not just effort, and teacher said 12 yo s is very smart but does not work at all, no follow through, etc. and this all started this year. <P>selfish, selfish, mentally disordered people.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited May 30, 2001).]

Thanks, guys for your comments. (And for not flaming me. )<P>I think I do understand the "mind set" of most parents today (having many friends/siblings with kids), and that if you as a parent try to do something kinda different with your kids, it might look "odd." And you might not notice, RIGHT NOW, that your kids are any different than their kids. <P>But I have to say, having grown up out in the country myself, with only my Dad driving and five brothers and sisters, we were pretty limit as well in our activity involvement away from home. Looking back, I don't feel that it was a "bad" thing....I actually am pretty grateful for it in that it taught me how to be creative in my play and free time. I'm not saying I wouldn't have learned those same values had I been more involved in outside activities. But I do think it helped me learn patience, self-discipline and just being able to enjoy doing "nothing" sometimes. <P>I guess I just worry about the younger generation some because they are alway on the go, go, go and everything is now, now, now. I feel the pressure from society (my work mates, church, etc.) to always be involved....even as an adult. It makes me wonder what the kids feel. <P>I have had time over the past year and a half (what with my life falling apart and everything....), to re-evaluate my involvement in things and I'm beginning to find a good balance again. I think it's important to give and reach beyond yourself to others and to be involved in certain activities, but I'm also finding that time alone...doing nothing or just sitting on my porch thinking or playing with my animals, is really valuable and helps to put things in perspective. It reminds me of times as a kid, just laying on the lawn with my kitty looking up at the clouds and wondering....about life, about things. It renews me in ways that nothing else can.<P>I have to hand it to most parents these days, because as much as I love kids, I don't know if I could do it. The pressure and/or desire to get them involved or from them to be involved, must be pretty great. I just hope that they can learn that NOT being on the go at all times, is valuable too.<P>Again, God bless you in your parenting journey. I hope you can continue to find a good balance for yourself as well as for your kids, so that you don't end up feeling "exasperated."<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited May 30, 2001).]