My marriage is in shambles. This could get kind of long, so if you're able to read it all, thanks in advance.<P>It started when I got married to my H three years ago. Even from the beginning, he was never able to hold down a job. He was like this when we dated, but he promised it would change when we were married (my first mistake in believing him). Well, we did get married, but the problem wasn't fixed. I didn't understand how he could not want to support his wife and step-daugter (had her when I was 18 and unmarried). He didn't want me to work, either. I realize now that situations can't change things, only peoples hearts can make them change. <P>Anyway, with every job he's had he's found a reason to quit after just 3 or 4 months. His most recent excuse is he has Post traumatic stress syndrome from the earthquake Seattle experience a few months back. But, it's now gone beyond PTSD. He doesn't want to get counseling for it. We've gone to counseling a few time for the marriage, but he doesn't want to go. Says they are "Mark-bashing sessions." So, he's been out of a job for almost 3 months. Actually, he's still employed there, he just doesn't want to go. If this was the first time something had come up with a job, I could understand, but this happens EVERY TIME!!!! So now I'm currently looking for a job. I actually had a job for a while so he could go to school (which he quit after a month) but quit when he went back to work and asked me to. I loved my job, but wanted to be the "Submissive Wife." <P>We are now to the point where we don't even fight anymore. It does no good for us to. He says I'm not supporting him. Excuse me? I've stuck around with this for 3 years! Now, all he does is sit on the computer playing this one game. It has gotten to be as much as 10 hours a day. If he's not playing that, he's sleeping. He won't do any housework, he won't help take care of the girls (we had a baby two years ago). He says he knows he needs to change but doesn't want to. He has even been looking on porn sites. To me this is cheating, but he says I'm crazy. <P>I just don't know what to do. Do I get a job and ask him to leave until he can prove to me over a period of time that he can be responsible? Do I divorce him? I have always been so against D, until this. I'm a really strong Christian, and feel just stuck. I am completely dead to him and our marriage anymore. I just don't have anything left in me. <P>Please, if you could respond with advice, comments, critisism, anything, I would appreciate it!<P>Thanks

Hi Keribb,<P>Welcome to the Marriage Builders forums. It sure sounds like you have your hands full.<P>May I suggest that you go to the home page and read and reread the the basics? There are a lot of wonderful ideas there. I'm not sure this is the forum you need to be in just yet.<P>When you ask if you should leave or divorce your husband, I don't think anyone here will advise you to do that, the whole idea is to save marriages. Most of the folks in this forum have been unable to save a marriage so we come here to support each other. It sounds like you have financial problems, but it sure wouldn't hurt read some of Dr. Harley's columns. They are free.<P>As to your husband's lack of initiative toward employment, I wish I knew what to say. Just about all the men folk on this forum are hard workers who jealously guard their parental rights including the right to contribute to the support and upbringing of their children.<P>I guess I would be less than honest if I didn't tell you that the questions that jump out at me, (59 /D/M) are: (a) "Where did you find these guys and why did you decide to bring children into this world with them?" and (b) "What made you think he would change his attitude toward employment after you married him?" Yes, they are hard questions, so I hope some of the gals will jump in here and give you that little boost that only they know how to give.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<P>

Welcome <B>Keribb</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Do all you can to save your marriage...<BR>...when you've done all you can...<BR>...you can look back and hold your head up high... no matter what..<P>Do check out the following sites...<BR>...and if your think you won't Love Bust...<BR>...pass them on to your H...<BR><B>Dangers of Online Relationships</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.wildxangel.com/" TARGET=_blank>What They're Not Telling You - Or How to Read Between the Lies!!</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.chatcheaters.com" TARGET=_blank>Internet Infidelity Prevention, Detection, Advice and Books</A><BR><A HREF="http://netaddiction.com/" TARGET=_blank>Center for On-Line Addiction</A><BR><A HREF="http://temagami.uwaterloo.ca/~petz/affair.html" TARGET=_blank>Affairs of the Internet</A><BR><B>Sexual Addiction</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.sa.org/b000english/b020problem.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexaholics Anonymous</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.sexhelp.com/" TARGET=_blank>Welcome to SexHelp.com...Dr. Carnes' Resources for Sex Addiction & Recovery</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.sexaddict.com/" TARGET=_blank>SEX ADDICTION RECOVERY RESOURCES</A><P>As far as "working" (you that is)... learn about <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>... and see if he is willing to try this!<P>You have my prayers.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Hi Keribb,<P>Welcome to MB. You are among many who have been &/or are exactly where you are. For me a lot of that sounds like my H and he had/has a major self esteem issue. His family has bi-polar disorders and comes from a very disfunctional family. <P>Not to make excuses or anything, just that's the way it is and recognition is a step towards recovery. <P>NSR & Bumpernil have given you good advice. Do a bit of reading. Take the emotional needs questionnaire. If your H won't then you do it anyway. It will help you see where you are at and where you need to be. The progress on how to get better for you, your H and your family can be explained as you understand the basic concepts taught here at MB. <P>My H had over 6 jobs just last year. His A started 20 months ago but the major one started 9 months ago. Along with that his lack of care for himself and those around him became real evident. <P>H would not learn by example or talk, he learned basically by burn and had to literally hit bottom. Almost had his family evicted as a result. <P>We are in recovery now but there are no guarantees. <P>Please read and come back and post you will then be able to show us where we can assist you. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Keribb:<BR><B>His most recent excuse is he has Post traumatic stress syndrome from the earthquake Seattle experience a few months back. But, it's now gone beyond PTSD. He doesn't want to get counseling for it. We've gone to counseling a few time for the marriage, but he doesn't want to go. Says they are "Mark-bashing sessions."</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Keribb, your husband may be clinically depressed. Is he refusing to get counseling for PTSD, or is it marriage counseling he refuses? Your husband needs to get help for <I>himself</I> before he is going to be able to work on marriage. If he won’t see a psychotherapist, can you at least get him to a physician for evaluation?<BR>