About lunch time today H gave me a call, and after chatting for a couple of minutes, asked me what *I* thought he should do about responding to my divorce complaint.<P>I served him Apr 24th. Today is exactly 30 days, and he was give 35 to respond. <P>I told him that I didn't know, that I wasn't exactly the person he should be asking....but that it was my understanding that IF it came to a fight about division of assests...that the judge could take into consideration my complaint, especially if it was allowed to go uncontested.<P>He said he didn't want to fight, and would I please call my attorney and ask what was the minimum we had to do to get this over with. He doesn't have an attorney, and he doesn't have any money to hire one.<P>Then he told me that I was "making a mistake" by divorcing him. This comment was not accompanied with "Gosh I'm sorry I've been a real jerk and here is what I am doing to change..."<P>I've been told multiple times that he'd do anything to save our marriage, but he does nothing but the same old drinking, lying and cheating. When I served him papers last month, he went running back to the OW so fast that my head is still spinning.<P>So I basically lost it on the phone and demanded that he give me ONE GOOD REASON NOT TO DIVORCE HIM.<P>He didn't have any. <P>My take on it is that he's feeling guilty, and wanting me to take the blame. If I hadn't filed, he'd still be off blowing all his money on $200 dinners and gifts for his dates while I sat at home waiting on him<P>I have no idea where I am going with this thought, I guess I'm just ranting.<P>Bumper please slap some sense into me!!!<P>--BR<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Just want you to know I'm here and I read it... but I have to get the kids to bed and will be back to respond. Sorry about the day... sounds like a pretty awful discussion. Can't imagine dealing with an addiction issue on top of everything! <P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Hi BR,<P>Nope, no slapping. You are doing just fine. You are right about where you should be. Nobody puts ten years of her life into a marriage and brings three kids into this world, and then just walks away without some feelings.<P>That phone call sounds like another con job. Your stbx is still looking for the easier, softer way. You know as well as I that doesn't exist. BR, he still loves you, but it is in an infantile way. It is almost like this guy hasn't figured out what he wants to be when he grows up yet. He is asking you what you think he should do. He is trying to push that responsibility off on you too. Bullfeathers! You already told him that, get help with the drinking and get rid of the squeeze for openers. What else could you possibly tell him? Once you served him with the papers, his first move should have been to a rehab program and AA. He chose to run back to the bimbo. Where is the sincerity in that? How responsible is that? Seems to me he is still making some pretty bad choices.<P>Until he decides to seek out and accept responsibility for his own actions, his own recovery, and his own happiness there isn't anything anyone can do. On the other hand, you have great instincts, Trust Them! And keep the Serenity Prayer close at hand.<P>BR, you are going to have a rough time of this, but your first responsibility now is to the children and their mother, you. You have to protect yourself so you can protect them. You are doing great! Hang in there kid!<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

Thanks for the encouragement <B>Nicole</B>!! <P><B>Bumper</B> - why is it that even though I already KNOW this stuff, it makes me feel better to hear it from someone else. I can't believe how angry and disturbed I've been all day after that phone call. You are right, he does still love me. He doesn't even know it though. There's a sick part of me that is quite happy about it, simply because I know that the OW doesn't really have the hold she'd like on him.<P>If it wasn't for the booze, we could have had such an incredible marriage.<P>Somewhere I heard that an alcoholic's maturity level usually freezes about the same age level that he started drinking. For my H, I think its about 14.<P>He's a VP of his company, and about to be promoted only 6 months after being hired...he's a brillant man. And he had to call ME to find out what he should do about responding to my divorce complaint. And he wants me to do HIS footwork for it too!!! And take all the moral responsiblity!!! <P>hmmph, with that little remaining outburst, I am dragging my stuffy sneezy achey body upstairs to bed!!<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

BR...<P>Stay the course...<BR>...if you can get something in writing... get it.<P>You are in "protection mode"...<BR>...you need to keep protecting yourself...<P>If he Plan A'ed to the hilt...<BR>...for the next six months...<BR>...you could always stop the divorce.<P>If he has the real will power to show he wants reconciliation...<BR>...he'll get an attorney (pro-bono)...<BR>...to make a response... admiting to adultery....<BR>...and asking for time for a reconciliation effort.<P>You know you are in my prayers... everyday!<P> <P>Jim

(((((((((BR))))))))))<P>You got some really good advice. I would say that if he has a pattern of this behavior, than what Jim recommended was perfect. Don't listen to what he says he "can" do, let him prove it to you by really changing. Otherwise, you know the pattern anyhow.<P>Good luck,hugs, Dana

BR,<P>The only thing meaningful he can do to show he is changing, is go through a treatment program and the attend AA everyday and start working a program...Anything else smells like manipulation for him to continue the status quo...<P>Should he do this then you need a time frame for him to show his resolve...say 6 months, if he replapses then back to where you are now....However chances are slim he will stop until he is ready...<P>Heed the other advice as well...<P>Bill

BR,<P>Thought about you last night. But you already got the point. If he wants to say something to your lawyer, it might be a good idea to let him talk for himself.<P>The line about not having money for a lawyer is more nonsense. Among other things, your stbx has himself in a financial vortex. He isn't mananging his money well, and really isn't getting anywhere near what he should be getting out of his income. It wouldn't take a whole lot of those $200.00 dinners, or $50.00 nights at a bar to pay off the legal bills.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> <B> why is it that even though I already KNOW this stuff, it makes me feel better to hear it from someone else. I can't believe how angry and disturbed I've been all day after that phone call. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> </B><P>BR, there must be some reason why they figured out that alcoholism is a family disease, and that it is an insidious disease. Don't forget, there is still a certain amount of manipulation and outright cruelty that goes along with this behavior. When I used to pull this kind of stunt, I did it to manipulate, to literally play with her mind, trying to convince her that I was normal and she was nuts. And I knew that it had that effect on her. And when it had the desired effect, and I got my own way, I would congratulate myself. Sort of a little mental masturbation. To the extent that she chose to play that game, she became one of my enablers. Oh, yes, on the Merry-Go-Round of Denial, big time. Big difference is, you've learned to recognize the behavior, and you are learning not to give in to it, and with practice you will learn to minimize your reaction to it. A little reassurance is nice, we all like that! <P>OK, it's twenty two years later. Don't have to do that anymore. Speaking of Merry-Go-Rounds, there is a really nice one over in Smithville, NJ, a double decker. Think I'll take the day off, call up a lady friend and see if she wants to go down and take ride on it.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper <P>

BR,<BR>I can't remember how my times my x called during our 2 years apart prior to the actual divorce to beg that he'd change, say he couldn't afford the legal fees, says how sorry he was, etc. A few times i even believed him and asked for delays. He finally went into treatment when he hit bottom(or was forced), arrested twice for dwi. I know he loves me even now but it wasn't enough. I knew he didn't really love the OW either, I just didn't listen to his stories any longer and she did. He had to be ready or in his case forced to make a change, thank god he never hurt anyone(except his family). I decided I had to do for me and my two teenage sons and pretend like he wasn't even around anymore, i know that hurt him, but only he could get himself out of that. Today he is in treatment on house arrest and getting closer to god. I don't know if its too late for us (we divorce 12/18/00) but i know he needs time to fix himself and i myself, who knows what will happen down the road. When we do happen to see each other (because of our sons) he seems better and I remember the person I fell in love with, and yes it hurts but i keep telling myself I did everything i could to save our marriage, now its in gods hands. <P>Take care and remember you and your children come first.<BR>

Hi BrambleRose,<P>You might be making a mistake but it is for him to prove it. Haven't you done enough already? So it's ok to agree with his statement then say something like, well if you feel that way, then prove it? Or something nicer, but you get the gist. <P>Feeling a bit fisty today. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

BR,<P>At one point, during the height of my hell, when now XH was going ahead (full force) with the divorce proceedings: I looked at him and said, Greg you are going to regret divorcing me, you are making such a mistake.<BR>He was so smug, he replied with something like, Hmmm you think? <P>Don't misunderstand, YOU aren't doing the wrong thing. I am saying that your husband, like Bumper said; He isn't taking responsibility for his own actions therefore puts the responsibility all on you.<BR>You are doing great.<P>It was quite hellish for me. Going through the divorce and all the cruelity, I had to just give it up to the Lord. Well, guess what is happening now. My XH, has realized the MONUMENTAL MISTAKE he made, and is finally taking responsibility for all he has done. Wow! I'll tell you I never thought I'd see the day! <P>Take care, and I'll be thinking about you!<BR>Petrie

Thank you everyone for the responses. I've been very busy and sick with a stupid cold that is slowing me down. I haven't been responding like I should.<P>It helps so much to hear you all say what I already know. I guess I'm not very confident, and theres always this little bit of nagging doubt that says: "BR, if you could have stuck in this marriage longer, and maybe it would have changed..."<P>But thanks to all of you, AND thanks to my H - I know that I did do the right thing. Funny thing...right after he and I had our little chat about what he should do about my divorce complaint...he disappeared. He was a noshow at our home for his visit with the kids, and he can't be reached since Thursday noon. Guess the OW had a better offer!!<P>So there's my answer right there. <P>I *am* right. I do have to protect myself and my kids.<P>He's going to have to hit bottom without me, I'm getting off this ride!!