Currently, I am in plan b, month 3. And I find myself VERY attracted to someone else. I have done the reconciliation thing several times with WS and I think in my head (not my heart) that I need to give up on this marriage. Well, maybe a little in my heart too. WS has chosen to be with OW. <P>I actually have a crush on another man. Have not idea if this man is the even interested, but it sure feels good to get that attention. He has been divorced for awhile now. Please don't condemn me too much. I know this is a marriage builders website and I have "hung in there" for so long now. Any thoughts?????<P>And before you "dog" me too much, I DO know how vulnerable I am. I do know that attention, any attention, is so desperately wanted. After all, being rejected is just SO painful....<P>You know, this might be all for nothing, since I have no idea what he thinks or feels....

I know exactly what you're feeling, because I've been there myself!<P>Yes, you are very, very vulnerable right now, and this vulnerability is clouding your emotions. You are in a different kind of "fog," if you can call it that.<P>A few months after my Ex left me, I met a woman with whom I had an instant connection. We hit it off immediately. She was attracted to me, I was attracted to her, and I was caught up in the rush of feeling something for someone other than my then-wife. I had been separated for a while, divorce papers had been filed, and I figured I had nothing to lose by pursuing this woman. <P>It was a mistake, to say the least! For a brief time, I was riding high on emotions, proud that I "still had it," and determined to show my STBX that I didn't need her. I was so caught up in my own feelings that I totally ignored this other person's shortcomings, and was just a little hurt when it crashed and burned out quickly.<P>There is nothing wrong with having a crush on someone when you're at such a low emotional point. Just make sure you don't act on it! I don't think anyone on this site would condemn you for having feelings for an attractive man...that's normal, after all. <P>The best course of action is to wait. Wait to see if your H will come around. If he won't, and you wind up divorced, wait until you've healed emotionally before you get involved with anyone else. <P>Plan B is lonely, but Plan B with an OP involved would be complicated and dangerous.

Dear LWM,<P>This is not a unique issue. After all we are humans. Who has been showing more feelings of hurt and missing EN's than the BS's both here and abroad? <P>There is nothing to condemn you for. You were honest and ask for opinions and support. You know BS's have needs also. <P>When someone says a kind word, it is like a cool glass of water on a hot day. How refreshing. We naturally want more and more. Then our hearts can start to play tricks on us and we could try to refocus. The good thing is that those here do watch out for each other and if one falls, the other one picks them up. This is based on a proverb and is so true. <P>Honesty is a good quality to cultivate. We are not invincible here. We are here to help each other through a lot. <P>My H recently asked me why I spend so much time here. I said because the people hear are meeting my needs. I also said, if he met my needs more, I may not have to come as often. Hmmmmm...... gave him a bit of a challenge. <P>Sure helped me to remember to love him more. ......<P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

Thanks for the kind words. You are so right that this sight has been my salvation since it is meeting my emotional needs. I wonder though, if all this waiting is for nothing. I don't ever see WS coming back. At this point, he has to "prove" that it is true love with OW, since causing all this pain for nothing would be a little embarrassing to say the least. I have struggled so with wanting to get on with my life and "living with memories." <P>The man I am attracted to made an interesting comment, "I didn't want the divorce, I don't believe in divorce, but I didn't have a choice (she wanted to be free again). And when I got over that and looked back, I thought that maybe I wasn't so happy with my XW." That's how I feel alot of the time. Looking back, I see a man who was unwilling to face or change anything about himself. I sought marriage counseling for us twice and in the end nothing changed. The marriage seemed to be about what he wanted and needed, not a partnership. Not that I was innocent by any means. I guess what I am saying is that WS never had to "work" for anything and was never really willing anyway.<P>So really, what is so wrong with moving on? I am not divorced, so I know a serious relationship is out of the question, but why can't I have some fun? My lawyer even said I could date. Not that I'm trying to justify it, of course. But at what point is it okay to throw in the towel? When can I start worrying about me????

Hi Living with Memories,<P>I have had 2 relationships since my ex. One was while I was married, my ex left me on xmas day and moved in with OW, I had no clue. I plan A'd, I tried whatever people told me, but this was a pattern with my ex and I began to feel like I could get thru it but it would be a lifelong issue for us. I started dating someone 4 months afterwards. He was also going thru a divorce, and we clicked. He was a sweetie and we had a lot of good times together, but neither of us were emotionally ready. <P>The next relationship I got into , was something I was NOT looking for, but anyhow, it started right before my divorce papers came, I had signed and everything, it was just waiting for the mail at that point. A lot of people didn't agree with my decisions, but I believe in being honest, and so I was honest here about it.<P>It was perfect for almost 7 months. We ran into a rough time 3 months ago, and it was very hard. However, the last month, has been a turn for us. We made it thru our first big problem, we communicated, and I find myself getting closer to him as he is closer to me. I think even though I really wasn't ready the first time, and barely ready the second time, I see a difference in MY behavior this second time around.<P>I did go on lots of dinner dates in between. I met a lot of guys, who I wouldn't even ever talk to again. The opinion I had was UGHHH< this is what I have to chose from!!! So I decided on what I was looking for in a guy, and if he didn't fit that description, I didn't waste my time anymore. This might sound a little arrogant, but all the things I hated about ex, like that he smoked, I was NOT going to deal with a second time. This was MY chance!! <P>So I did meet someone that was all the things I was looking for. I still think I met him at a bad time, and it moved too quick in the beginning, but we're still here, and doing better than ever. The difference is being with someone who WANTS a really good relationship and is willing to work at it.<P>However, if you didn't see my recent posts, I myself am amazed at where I am at, and am not sure what will happen still.<P>I agree, you are in a different fog. It feels good and its hard to walk away from. I couldn't, so I can't tell you to do it, but it's recommended that you do.<P>Try reading REBUILDING WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP ENDS by Dr Fisher. See how far you really are on the building blocks. I do believe we all heal different, our pains and scars are always going to be there, but if you are working on improving yourself, you might move along at a different pace than others here. <P>In my case, if I had it to do all over again, I would NOT have dated as soon as I did. But I can't take it back. I would just tell you from my experience, wait as long as you can, but if you feel ready, go very slow. <P>Good luck, Dana

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Living with memories:<BR><B><BR>...So really, what is so wrong with moving on? I am not divorced, so I know a serious relationship is out of the question, but why can't I have some fun? My lawyer even said I could date. Not that I'm trying to justify it, of course. But at what point is it okay to throw in the towel? When can I start worrying about me????</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>There is nothing wrong with moving on. That is a decison for you to make. Only you can decide if you waited long enough. And you CAN have some fun, and enjoy someone elses company. Be aware that the two of you are at far different stages in this process, however.<P>Something to consider is, what if your WS has a change of heart? It's probably not a good idea to become involved with someone until you are certain there is no chance for reconcilliation, which is the reason most logical discussions on this subject agree about waiting til the divorce is final, and then some. That's not to say you can't have some fun and enjoy yourself. Just be aware that if you aren't completely healed, becoming involved with someone else tends to anesthetize you and the healing stops.<P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Thanks all!<P>Dana- <BR>I know you have had your share of heartache to deal with these past few months. I'm glad things are looking up for you. And I definitely know what you mean about things being YOUR choice this time around. I will be much choosier as well. Another thing that this guy said that I have often thought is that when you have "failed" at one marriage, it makes you so much more careful the second time around. I agree with that, but then why do so many second marriages fail, if that is the case????<P>nick-<P>I hope that I am moving towards getting over my WS. At some point, the roller coaster has to stop. At some point, the pain he has intentionally and repeatedly inflicted on me must stop and I am the only one that seems to be willing to get out of the triangle. I really don't foresee any future with WS - despite all of my efforts. He has done the reconciliation thing one time too many for me to ever believe that he is sincere again. But then, I feel this way now, who's to say how I will feel in an hour, or a day, or a month... So, I guess at this point I WANT to move on with my life without WS. I'm only interested in having a good time, nothing emotionally entangled - famous last words, huh? Well, we will see what happens....

I only read briefly what the others replied to you and didn't pay much attention either. I was caught up in my own thoughts per your situation...<P>How long do you plan on being plan b? I surmise you are wanting to reconcile still...<P>If that is the case then I say <B>RUN</B> don't walk away from your infatuation!!<P>Yes you can <I>legally</I> date, but that is just for the sake of the law and a pending divorce...If you want to reconcile then you need to be completely guilt free else it will eat your lunch and stiffle and future reconciliation attempts...<P>Just my opinion....<P>I know 2 things for sure about people in general...I can't tell them who to sleep with or how to spend their money <P>However I think that 2 wrongs don't make a right and their is no right way to do the wrong thing...<P>You have to decide if you can live with the consequences and you alone have to pay the tab...<P>In my experience that tab is <B>always</B> greater than I think it will be...<P>Bill<P>------------------<P><BR>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited May 25, 2001).]

I just read the other replies and I concur with the statements made...<P>Bill

Bill:<P>Have no intention of sleeping with anyone or spending their money! <P>I guess what I'm saying is though I am in plan b now, I DO want to divorce WS. I DO want to move on with my life without him. Does that make a difference?

"When can I start worrying about me????"<P>"but why can't I have some fun?"<P><BR>Pause a moment and think about the two statements you just said. Pretend you are a person, walking through a bar (for instance) and you overheard some guy making this comment about a woman he wanted to approach. Pretend that this guy was going to be approaching YOU. How much would you like it if some guy was going after you just for "some fun" and was thinking "what's in it for me"? You wouldn't like someone to treat you like that, now would you? Why would you be willing to treat someone else like that...especially another person who has been wounded from divorce. <P>Consider the fact that your spouse obviously is also "married" as long as it is convenient for him. Just because he is doing that doesn't mean you have to. <P>Finally, if you date before you are divorced, you are attracting men (most likely) who are either just as confused as you are, or don't have a whole lot of respect for marriage vows. Either way, you are rolling the dice big time. <P>"My lawyer even said I could date."<BR>Not to sound too sarcastic or anything, but I'm pretty sure a lawyer is the last person who should be giving relationship advice! LOL.<P>If you want reasons or excuses to start a new relationship before you are divorced, just take a few notes out of the "book" your spouse is writing at this moment. You have a golden opportunity to prove to the world (and more importantly yourself) that you are not like him. <P><BR>

TS,<P>Very eloquently said...<P>LWM,<P>I feel like the hypocrite I am when I agree with this advice...As I had 2 weekend flings before my divorce was final...Though it did feel wonderful to be with a woman and knowing full well going into it that it was a fling and the lady in mention was in it for a fling of her own...We mutualy used each other...My friends all said "good for you"...my ego got a well needed boost ect...However...I will say that I was plagued by diverging feelings...One was feelings of infatuation or stronger for the aforementioned woman...The other was guilt of a threefold nature...a: I committed adultry, b: guilt of having used someone to get my needs met, c: Having been used myself...I thought the emotional tab for this "affair was going to be easy <B>but</B> it was alot more than I barganed for...I believe that if I weren't so lonely and vulnerable and still married the tab would have been just as great...meaning, I wasn't ready for the overwhelming feelings that overtook me...Remeber this woman and I talked about this in detail and I think she might have had similar feelings afterward....Oh I forgot to state that my marriage was indeed over and I was just counting the days until the divorce was final...<P>I now sit here 18+ months post seperation and 4 months post divorce thinking I want to start dating and often times wonder, do I have anything I can really give to a relationship? Sometimes yes, a lot of times no...I think I'll continue to sit on it a little longer <P>My experience driven advice...Give yourself a break and avoid a relationship if you can...Short term good feelings with that void in my gut afterward, is what I felt...<P>Bill

Okay, okay, you all are right. Some of you even speak from experience. And yes, I'm getting the same thing from people in my life like "you deserve some happiness, you need to move on...." But the fact is, ADULTERY IS ADULTERY, right? Can I at least have FRIENDS, though? <P>The Student - <P>I don't think I would take as cold of an approach as your example. I'm not out for my own happiness at another's expense. A mutual friendship is what I meant.<P>"When can I start worrying about me?" This statement is a personal account of how I felt in my marriage and especially since dday - WS and OW have not worried about me now have they? If I don't worry about me, then who will? This is not a selfish statement, but rather a self-full (is that a word?) statement.<P>"But why can't I have some fun?" I am SICK of sitting at home alone crying, depressed, feeling rejected and worthless as a woman and a wife. I and all BS's DESERVE some fun. You twisted or I didn't clarify enough what I meant. I have no desire to inflict pain on anyone else (well, maybe WS and OW, but that's another story), nor do I intend to. I will continue to act married until I am not married, but that may include FRIENDSHIPS of the opposite sex.<P>Again, I know from those who have jumped into things too quickly, that "dating" is wrong at this time. As for my lawyer's statement, that was from a legal standpoint, not moral.

LWM,<P>define your concept of dating, your intentions.<P>you may have a different definition than others, meaning, dating with the intention of looking for a partner, versus going out for fun, and coming home, and not expecting to see the friends again for awhile.<P>with new relationships, there are flashbacks, and all sorts of stuff that reminds us that we are not ready to date, yet. How about going out with some girlfriends instead? how about going out with some married friends, where there is guaranteed only platonic possibilities? be a little more creative than just "dating."<P>WIFTTy<P><BR>

Hey Tom, I think this thread is about to get into one of these contentious "dating" threads, so I'll try to diffuse it by injecting some humor.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:<BR><B>how about going out with some married friends, where there is guaranteed only platonic possibilities? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Do you realize how hilarious your statement above is, especially to all the BS's? . "married friends" => "guaranteed platonic"???? Ha ha! You're a funny guy! <P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited May 25, 2001).]

Gees, What is this web sites name?<BR>Hmm....... Let me check again, Oh yeah it is Marriage Builders. Not Dating advice or dating whatever. <P>Married= Monogamy<P>Divorce=not married= Ok to date.<P>Can't people wait till the diovrce is final to date. I know I know we have to get on with our lives and take care of ourselves. how can you get on with your life if you are still married? I think you need closure on the divorce before you start jumping into the dating scene again. Oh well that is jsut my opinion. To each is own, but it makes a difficult road to get the divorce finalized.<P>have a good weekend all!!!!!!!!!!

Well, my spouse has been "getting on with her life" for a couple of years, and is technically still married. To me.<P>I tried my best. I've waited almost a year. That's long enough for me. It really all comes down to what YOU are comfortable with. You're the one who has to live with you. Not us.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

That is fine, you want to get on with your life then stop waiting around and do what you have to do to get the divorce final. that is all I am saying.

Well, in my case I have to wait six months until the divorce is done and well, my stbx is out and about again and frankly I'm tired of sitting here alone every night when I get asked out pretty often. Just because I got to dinner with a nice guy doesn't mean serious committment or sex just the company of a nice guy.<BR> Sorry, but my stbx has been acting like a single man for almost 8 months now, I'm done and there's no hope so....

Indie,<P>Direct your venom elsewhere. My wife has to wait a year from the separation date before she can file. I'd give anything to have it over now. I'll be the one who decides when it's time for me to be with someone else. Not a judge, and not you.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited May 25, 2001).]