A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.<P>The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.<P>The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem. <P>Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.<P>The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator<P>1. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to the other passengers.<BR> <BR>2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, darn it, all of you just shut UP!!" <P>3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. <P>4. One word: Flatulence! <P>5. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back saying, "Ohhhh, not now, dang motion sickness!" <P>6. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say, "Ooops, too late." <P>7. Walk in with a cooler that reads "Human Head" on the side. <P>8. Burp, and then say, "Mmmmmm...tasty!" <P>9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?" <P>10. Draw a little square on the floor with a chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." <P>11. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" <P>12. Start hacking and coughing in a crowded elevator and say, "Darn this flu virus." <P>13. Let out a loud and robust fart and blame it on the passenger next to you. <P>14. Let out a silent fart and say, "Ok folks...everyone take a deep breath!" <P>15. Turn to your neighbor, preferably a woman, and say, "Do you ever get that unfresh feeling?" <BR>

Hey fellow Kansas Joker, <P>Just out of curiosity, what part of Kansas are you in?<BR>I'm in the KC metro area, specifically, Shawnee Mission if that helps any <P>

I work in Salina but live in Tescott, a small town about 25 mile NW of Salina. I grew up in Dodge City.

Top Ten Reasons to Go to Work Naked:<P>10. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your [censored] in here by 8:00!"<BR>9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.<BR>8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.<BR>7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.<BR>6. You want to see if it's like the dream.<BR>5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.<BR>4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."<BR>3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.<BR>2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.<P>And the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:<BR>1. No one EVER steals your chair<P><BR> <P><BR>I'm Back!!!<P>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

WELCOME BACK CJ!!!<P>A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ''Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.'' <BR>''What?'' said the puzzled groom.''How can that be if you've been married ten times?'' <P>''Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. <BR>Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. <BR>Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. <BR>Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. <BR>Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. <BR>Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. <BR>Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. <BR>Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. <BR>Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. <BR>Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! 'But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!'' <P>''Good,'' said the new husband, ''but, why?'' <P>''You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!''<P> <BR>

Very funny everyone!<P>Keep them coming! Sorry, I haven't any good ones to add. <BR>

Ten Answers...<P><BR>Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions...<P>1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.<P>2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.<P>3. You've got no chance of me calling you.<P>4. No, I won't be gentle.<P>5. Of course you have to swallow.<P>6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.<P>7. I hate your friends.<P>8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.<P>9. I'd rather watch a porno.<P>10. Eat it??? It took me ten pints to get up the courage to screw it.<BR>

There must be something in the water in Kansas... <P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>I am woman...hear me roar...okay - meow...okay - purr? Hey, I'm working on it.

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices his oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you blew a seal".<BR>"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."<BR>

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird. "The girl walked away,and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her,"What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!" <BR> <BR>Moral of the story...................never lie to kids. <BR>

I know it's not Tuesday anymore but I'm too lazy to start a new thread.<P><BR>NICE BODY!!!!<P>A man comes home from work and searches the house for his wife... He finds her stark naked in front of the mirror admiring her breasts. He asks her, "What the hell are you doing?"<P>She promptly informs him that she had seen the doctor that day and he told her she had the breasts of a 25-year-old!<P>"Oh, he did, did he?" asks the husband. "What did he say about your 50-year-old a**?"<P>She quickly replied, "Your name never came up!"<P>

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. <P>The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. <P>"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. <P>"An ambulance just drove by." <P>A few moments passed. <P>"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. <P>"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." <P>Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. <P>"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. <BR>