Just looking for a little guidance through these troubled times........<BR> I have been married for six years now, but am currently going through a painful divorce. I have served in the military throughout my marriage and unfortunately have been gone most of it. I have been and done alot of things on my travels that caused me not to be such a great husband and father to my family. I couldn't seperate work from the home and so on. I am currently receiving counseling for the issues I have acquired on numerous trips to the Persian Gulf, Balkans, Africa, and so on. <BR> My wife left the house over a month ago with our three children. This activity hit me as hard as I could have ever imagined. About two weeks after that, she notified me that she had filed for divorce and showed me some child visitation policy she had constructed with the help of an attorney. This broke my heart even worse. <BR> I was not a great husband being gone all of the time, but provided my family with everything they needed. I am currently contemplating leaving the service after an outstanding career that has also probably caused the demise of my marriage. I continue to try to work some sort of reconciliation process into our relationship to no avail. She says it is too late for that. I refuse to believe that after all of these years it is ever too late to do anything that would help our family through this. <BR> My wife is revelling in her new found freedom, and I sit and look at pictures on our walls and live in regrets of the man I have been. Is it ever really too late?<BR> Now instead of yelling about things that don't go my way I am writing poetry to express my feelings. This isn't the macho activity of a U.S. fighting man, but it is much more productive than the aboved mentioned. <BR> I miss and love my family terribly. I have yet to be served with the divorce papers, although she says they will be here soon. I am leaving for Kosovo in July and pray daily things will work out before my departure.<BR> Haven't seen a lawyer yet......... guess I need to. Changed the locks on the doors because my shrink told me I should. That was a painful thing. It seems everything I do these days concerning this matter is painful. I get to see my kids every other weekend...........also painful. When I told my wife I was dealing with painful memories in my counseling, she said she hoped I "suffered through it". Well, here I am,everyday, suffering through this as she wished.<BR>Thanks <P>------------------<BR>

I hope she didn't really mean it vindictively when she said "suffer through this".<P>There is a philosophy in M Scott Peck's "The Road Less Travelled" that describes legitimate human suffering as a precluder for growth and strengthening of the human spirit and that it can usually only be obtained by suffering. I believe Buddhism subscribes to a similar philosophy that one must suffer to attain enlightenment.<P>In any event, I hope that the meaning behind her words was to wish growth for you to search for the most important things in life. Sometimes one spouse does feel it is too late. But perhaps it's not too late for you to review your life and work out what are your most important needs to help you be the best man you could hope to be.<P>Take Care

I AM the vindictive woman spoken about in this article. I think it would be nice to let you know that last year, went through marriage counseling...ALONE. He chose not to go with me and I used that time as an opportunity to better myself and deal with problems which plagued me from my childhood. When I tried to talk to him about my problems, he wouldn't have anything to do with it. This man who has so wholeheartedly won your glowing reviews is the same man that spent years telling me how worthless I am, how I didn't contribute to this family and the same man that has slapped me and eventually kicked me like a stray dog. I choose not to stay in this situation and I choose that my children grow up healthy and happy with a healthy attitude towards marriage. My 3-year-old son watched as his father kicked me. I will not have him grow up and think it is alright to hurt the ones you love. Not in this lifetime or any other. So, to my dear husband, if you want to tell a story, how about telling the whole story. You need to take responsibility for your actions so that your children grow up taking responsibilities for theirs. I know my girls will grow up knowing that it is more than OK to walk away from a situation that in some cases, can end up fatal. I am no longer willing to be your crutch, your maid, your financial guru, your cook or your punching bag. Go on with your life. It is too late for me. I can no longer find the love necessary to continue life with you. Every cruel word or thing you did (and you know you heaped it on me), killed a little piece of that love. I have to believe that happiness is out there for me and that someone is out there who will cherish me and return the love and trust that I placed in you and our marriage.

I don't remember him "wholeheartedly winning my rave reviews".<P>As I said before, growth requires suffering. Your H has two choices; to either square off and not take responsibility for his actions and move on. He'll feel no pain, remorse or suffering and will end up the same person that he was and destroy other people's lives. Or he can suffer through the pain and realization of the damage that his actions have caused and learn and grow from it, to never repeat the same mistakes with another human being.<P>And I'm not talking about the pain of one's own loss. I'm talking about the pain when you really see what your actions have done to other people's lives. Really looking in the mirror for people who have really caused others pain and working toward taking the necessary steps toward restorative justice can be like living in hell.<P>You are free of him now. If he truly wants to work on himself, it will take much much longer for him to be free of that hell. <P>However, I'm sorry if your wish to see him suffer is vindictive. All that will do is impede your own growth and healing.

Jemma,<BR>I don't wish to see him suffer as we have both, along with our children, suffered for a very long time. My whole point is that he will have to make this journey alone. I support him in his efforts and hope that he continues on this path. I just will not be there as his crutch any longer. I believe this is a road that must be traveled alone.

WOW... I'm so glad that you both are on this website... May I <B>IMPLORE</B> you to stick around are read all the principles on here. <P>DTurner, am I proud of you for taking a stand and having the courage to say "NO MORE!" It really takes a lot of guts... but my I encourage you to work through this pain - maybe separated from your H for a while but be willing to be willing....<P>Trying to be OK - I'm glad you started this post... please read as much as you can about meeting emotional needs and the rules of marriage - especially the one about rule of protection (which means protecting your spouse from yourself). I also implore you to look at your love busting behavior... there is a lot of info on this also - not to mention the books by Harley... <P>Please, both of you take a look at yourself NOT at the other person. Find out about Plan A - the is trying to identify and meet the emotional needs of your spouse and for heaven's sake, STOP, any love-busting behavior (angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgement, annoying habits and/or dishonesty).<P>Read about the three stages of marriage: itimacy -> conflict -> withdrawal.<P>Your wife is in withdrawal now... I don't blame her nor do I blame you. Blame doesn't help anything. So, what do you do... you have GOT to stop looking at each other and what the other does to create the nasty conditions in your marriage and look to what YOU can do yourself to change yourself to be the MAN and WOMAN God created you to be...<P>God's GRACE and peace be upon you and your children... Oh, and we haven't even begun discussing your children. Please stay on this post... keep posting in your pain. This is an anonymous board and is so very very helpful... you can bear your soul and your heart and really get some help. Be ready for some Spiritual Open-Heart Surgery... this is what you want but as in surgery, it's painful and unlike surgery, there is NO anesthesia... only the Lord who is WITH you while you go through this. Afterwards, it takes a while to rebuild and recondition until you can run a marathon again... <P>There is hope for the two of you but you need to examine yourselves and make sustainable changes... think of your children and what is best for them -if it's together or apart. NO manipulations... just pain and honesty. Work it through as respectfully as you can and do not turn the kids against each other... they deserve both of you and love you both.<P>I have to go now... I'm thinking of you though and praying!<BR>Psalm 51 - meditate on that for a while...<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

OvrCs,<BR> I thank you for your kind words. I have not been a good man to my wife and children. It took them leaving me to realize the problems that I have. I have been sober now for 36 days. That has been a difficult thing, as I have numbed myself through my pains throughout my life. I know in my heart that I will not grow from this experience being numb. It is such a difficult and painful thing we are dealing with. I used to turn my back from God, thinking there could not be a God in this world that would let the things that I have seen happen. Now, I pray to a God that gives me the strength to make it through each day. I pray for my children and my wife to make it through this horrible ordeal. I do not pray for forgiveness of the things I have done to them, as it is I who must forgive myself. I am truly sorry for alot of things that I have done in my life. Not just to others, but to myself as well. I lost myself a long time ago in a place thousands of miles away, but thats alright, I will get him back.<BR>Once again thank you so much,<BR>Lawrence

Oh hang in there Lawrence... you have got to take it one step at a time. Are you getting help from Al-Anon? From what I hear, they have a great program. You're not going to be able to do this alone... you need a community of support. Your wife is in tremendous pain... but still, the kids need their daddy. So, you've had a rude awakening... but at least you've got another chance now. <P>As for God... keep seeking. Seek the Truth from Him... ask him, beg Him to reveal Himself to you. Get a copy of the Bible... and start to read and saturate your mind with the Truth. I'm serious here. You won't make sustainable changes on your own... <P>How did you come across this website anyhow?<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Just trying to find some answers to help me and possibly save my marriage. I am reading alot of helpful information on this site....... wish I had done it years ago. <BR>Lawrence<P>

Hello again... may I suggest you do a search of Bramble Rose's topics... she is married to an alcoholic and has done a lot of research and sharing some of her learning on this message board. She could give you a lot of info as well as your wife. Hang in there and don't give up...<P>Bumperii also would have a lot to say about a situation like yours. Take care.<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

I am done. She said she is resolved and dating now. If she wanted to stick a knife in my heart, she has surely acomplished it. She is now threatening me with eviction from my house, child visitation, and she is using our children as pawns. I cannot believe this is the same woman I married, and only left the house 1 and a 1/2 months ago. She is not. Her lawyer is pumping her up and she is buying everything he says. She is gone to me now, and I am at my lowest low. Cannot understand this. She is burning all of her bridges. I don't feel as though I have the strength to build another one for her. My poor children. She said that I could have visitation rights to my stepdaughter (whom I have raised since she was a baby), if I didn't gibve her any resistance to this divorce. What kind of person is this. I wish I knew. She is good at this game thing. I am not. What to do?????????????????????????<BR>In the hurt locker.<BR>Lawrence

I cannot believe youre doing this. I never once said that you could have visitation rights to the oldest if you would not fight the divorce. I said "If you want to see her, get out of the house." My hands are tied on this matter. Grandparents are upset at the way you are handling this whole situation and what led us to this point. If I let you have her for the weekend, they have said they would call Human Services and I would have to find another place to live. Since you are being completely evil about this whole house thing, (for those of you reading, he refuses to leave the house. He is sitting there with a 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bathroom house all to himself and the kids and I had to suck it up and move in with my mom, stepdad and grandmother...all because he won't leave...not can't...won't.) Did you want social services at the house investigating allegations of abuse? So, if you leave, my hands will no longer be tied. Also, for those of you reading, this man has also said that he will NOT let the children and I back into the house, changed the locks and refuses to let us use a washing machine since mom's broke. He makes more than twice what I make, won't pay any support, and refuses not just me, but the kids their toys, their space, etc. Talk about evil. You miss our oldest so much and love her so dearly, that you are threatening to take her brother and sister away from her. What a loving and giving person you are!?! As far as games are concerned...I am simply doing what you taught me. The last time that you had the oldest, you used her and you know it. Trying to get info from her, telling her that she needed to get me to go out with you and in general, making it the responsibility of an 8-year-old to get her parents together. Don't talk to me about games...you are the psychological operations professional. The majority of our marriage has been you playing games with me...case in point...e-mailing this site to me. Yes, I am so done. I am not in withdrawal or denial or anything of that matter. I am simply done. The opposite of love is not hate...it is indifference. Learn it. You told me last night, you were not going down without a fight...You have threatened me for the last time with our children. Wanna tell everyone who is really using the kids as pawns? You care so much for them that you threaten me with them because you think it would be wrong not to fight for them, yet you have yet to take your visitation seriously. Just like when we were living together...they run second to your friends...like last weekend and already you have cut their next weekend with you short, because you have plans. You are not hurting me, youre hurting them and youre only making my custody case stronger...thank you. I am not dating. You said, "Tell me you're seeing someone or dating because it will make me bitter and I will be able to go on with my life." So, I said, "OK fine, I have been on a date." Your next question was, "Did you have fun?" Complete sarcasm...I shouldn't have expected anything more or less. You have not changed and you won't, but let me commend you on your wonderful facade.