First my problem with my now-final divorce, then the history. I have a session with Steve Harley about this tomorrow (Wednesday), but wanted to get other opinions too.<P>Discussing issues with my ex-wife about our 4yo daughter has become very contentious pretty much every time. She gets angry very easily, and I’ve tried to be calm and mostly succeeded, but sometimes reacted angrily to her anger. To me, she’s become very sensitive and insecure. An example is when we were talking about our daughter being a flower girl for my ex’s friend’s wedding. I said OK, but we both talked about how our daughter might cry and not walk the aisle. We started to agree that it might not be a good idea, and I mentioned to her, “If she sees you’re not sure if she’ll make it, that might maker her cry too.” My ex said, “You’re putting a lot of pressure on me.” I said, “No, I’m just saying she might cry if we act like she might cry. Don’t be so sensitive.” She said, “I’m not being sensitive.” Now, she’s had what I think is a long run of denying anything I say about her, and so I said, “OK, Miss Denial.” And she hung up on me.<P>I feel I can’t say anything about her, or, like my example, can’t even appear to say anything about her. She’s a Chinese immigrant and doesn’t have the best English (her pronunciation is good, but her grammar isn’t), and our daughter has very good English. My ex once said, “I think our daughter’s English is better than mine.” I laughed and just said, “Yeah.” Then my ex said, “You always criticize my English.” I have told her over the years it’s hard to understand things she writes because her grammar is bad, and there’ve been misunderstandings because of it.<P>We’re now having trouble with our daughter’s summer school. I want to put her into her current preschool’s summer school so that she’s with a couple friends and a teacher she knows. But they haven’t been very organized and still haven’t given me a schedule. My ex wants to put her in a program near her employer, which is more travel for me, but doable. They have a very structured organized program, but she knows no one there. I told her to sign up for that, but I want to make the final decision once her current school decides what they’re doing. I told her why I wanted her at her current school (the two reasons above). She said I keep closing the discussion and won’t tell me why I want her there. I kept telling her it’s the two reasons I gave. I kept telling her to just sign up and we’ll make the final decision once I know more. She said, “I hope you value my opinion.” I said, “Some.” She got angry, of course, and then I explained that I felt a lot of resentment towards her, so that’s why I said “some.” I didn’t tell her why the resentment, and I’ll get to that in a bit.<P>I feel it’s been getting worse and worse. We both moved out of our house to separate places in March, and things were great! She was a good friend and asked me to help her move in to her place, which I did gladly. Then she pretty suddenly became what I think is very sensitive and insecure. I tell her this, and she keeps denying it. She gets angry and I tell her not to get angry and she yells that she’s not angry.<P>OK, the history. Last August, she told me she liked someone at work and wanted to be honest with me about that. She said she didn’t want out and was going to counseling. The next day, she said she wanted out. Two days after, I found out about Marriage Builders and started Plan Aing. After several days, I think I was pretty good at it. Within a month, she filed for divorce. One counselor she talked to, I decided to see a week later, and he almost fell out of his chair when I told him she filed for divorce during that time.<P>During the next months, I spent the week at work (it’s far and they put me up in a hotel), and she spent weekends at her girl friend. One Sunday in December, her girl friend called me asking me where she was because she hadn’t shown up. That’s when I knew she was sleeping with the guy. On top of that, I was taking care of eight kids at our house that day and she was supposed to help, and she never showed up. Finding new birth control pills in a drawer I used to use the next day settled that, as well as me finding out by accident (voice mail at our house) that she had set up pet sitting for our dog for the few days I was taking our daughter on vacation, so she was going somewhere. With all this hitting me at once, I confronted her and we had a blow up. By the end of that, I think she understood why I was upset. Basically, what I wanted to get across to her is she can do what she wants, just don’t be so sloppy and shove it in my face.<P>Things pretty much settled down after that through the time we sold our house.<P>Now, the resentment. I feel she gave me just one month to try to fix things, and then she bailed on our family. Our daughter spends every other weekday with each of us, and most of the weekend with me. Our daughter cries now when my ex takes her, and she cries when my ex leaves (all transfers are done at my house). I really, really hate my ex for all this, but except for the resentment thing I told her today, none of that has come out. I’m getting so frustrated, and I’m trying to figure out if I’m being unreasonable. And I’m wondering what’s happening in her mind? I don’t know if she’s still seeing that guy or not, or if she’s seeing anyone. I sometimes ask my daughter (and I’m bad for this) what she did with mom and if mom’s friends were there too, and she either says “No,” or mentions a female friend of my ex’s name, and my ex usually tells me of that first. I give my ex credit for being honest about what she’s doing with our daughter. I just can’t take these conflicts any more and don’t know how to handle them best.<P>Thanks for reading. Good to vent.

Hi trying2bme:<P>I'm glad you are going to talk with Steve Harley. Have you read the books and the articles on this site?<P>As I read your post, I think I can point out at least something that may be contributing to the problems with your wife. You seem to be love-busting big time with the disrespectful judgements. I know, because that is one of my worst faults also. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She said, “I’m not being sensitive.” Now, she’s had what I think is a long run of denying anything I say about her, and so I said, “OK, Miss Denial.” And she hung up on me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This just screams disrespect. My H does this to me, and I hate it. She feels how she feels, and she has the right to her own opinion on it. For you to tell her that she is in denial because she disagrees with you is very disrespectful. You are telling her what and how she feels and how she should really be feeling!!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I told her to sign up for that, but <B>I want to make the final decision</B> once her current school decides what they’re doing. I told her why <B>I wanted</B> her at her current school (the two reasons above). She said I keep closing the discussion and won’t tell me why <B>I want</B> her there. I kept telling her it’s the two reasons I gave. <B>I kept telling her </B>to just sign up and we’ll make the final decision <B>once I know more</B>. She said, “I hope you value my opinion.” I said, “Some.” She got angry, of course, and then I explained that I felt a lot of resentment towards her, so that’s why I said “some.” <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>All of the events that you describe to us relate your wife's comments about what you think and feel about her. She's obviously feeling that you treat her disrespectfully.<P>Your daughter has TWO parents. And your paragraph above is sprinkled with "I want". You will make the decision once YOU know more and YOU want your daughter elsewhere. Your wife picked out what she feels is a good place for your daughter. And you obviously disrespect her judgement about it and she knows it. <P>I know this is coming across harshly, and I am sorry for that. You asked for comments, and you probably are regretting it now! I hope you get a chance to tell Steve Harley some of these things, and he can help show you how to navigate these situations without love busting.<P>Your wife is an adult, not a child. And it comes through in your posting that you don't really consider her much of an equal. If you are able to change your actions and begin to treat her with more respect as the mother of your daughter, it will probably help immensely. I know, it is hard to treat a betrayer with respect sometimes. But regardless of the betrayal, she is still a person who has the right to make choices and have feelings without someone else telling her what to do.<P>I hope your session with Steve goes well!!<P>--BR<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BrambleRose:<BR><B>Your daughter has TWO parents. And your paragraph above is sprinkled with "I want". You will make the decision once YOU know more and YOU want your daughter elsewhere. Your wife picked out what she feels is a good place for your daughter. And you obviously disrespect her judgement about it and she knows it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Several people here have mentioned that their ex is, to them, dead. I hadn't thought of it that way before, and realized I feel the same way. In their place is this terrible person, and why would I want such a terrible person raising my daughter? I realize now that this is how I'm reacting visibly to my ex.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I know this is coming across harshly, and I am sorry for that. You asked for comments, and you probably are regretting it now! I hope you get a chance to tell Steve Harley some of these things, and he can help show you how to navigate these situations without love busting.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Please, be harsh! I knew I needed a kick in the pants.<P>Thanks so much for your reply. It helps a lot.