I am 20 years old. I am married to a 28 yr. old military intelligence personnel, and we have a handsome nine month old baby boy.<BR> We were married in May of '97. My husband left for a new duty station the morning after our wedding. I was able to move with him a month after our wedding. <BR> I got pregnant four months after we were married. My husband had to leave four months into the pregnancy to go for schooling, and was not expected home until two weeks after my due-date. Halfway through the pregnancy, we found out that he was being sent to Korea for a year, and I was unable to go with him. Our son would be 13 months old before he could be with his father.<BR> This was a very difficult time for me. Not only was he away at basic training when I lost our first baby, but now he was to be gone for the pregnancy, birth, and first year of our son's life. I felt like he was never there when I needed him.<BR> After I gave birth to our son, he was able to come home for 10 days before leaving for Korea. I had gained almost 100lbs. during the pregnancy, and I felt really guilty. I had sex with him before I was supposed to, because I couldn't stand not being able to make love to him for a year and a half.<BR> Once he got to Korea, I decided to let him sleep with someone. My reasons for this were that I felt guilty for putting on so much weight, and for him not being able to have sex for such a long time. After he had sex with this person (just once) I felt bad, and had sex with someone too. I somehow thought that it would make me feel better, but it didn't.<BR> I ended up moving to Korea, because I couldn't bare to be away from him anymore. Now I constantly think that he is cheating on me, or is going to . He gets angry when I ask him if he is. He says that the only reason he even slept with the girl is because I wanted him to. I believe him, he's never lied to me before.<BR> We constantly fight, and I feel like I can never say anything right.<BR> I want him to show more affection. I got a card for my birthday, nothing for Christmas, and a card and two roses for the first time on valentines day. It's only on holidays do I get anything, and even then it's rare. Only once has he bought me flowers for no reason at all.<BR> He spends at least two hours a night on the computer looking at pornography. It makes me feel so bad because of the weight I have gained. He gets turned on by it, and then wants me to have sex with him, but it hurts 'cause I feel like he's having sex with them, and not me. When I tell him, he gets upset with me and says he doesn't spend that much time, but he really does.<BR> He told me not long ago that he wants to be able to go places without me sometimes, and that he doesn't want me to ask him so may questions, like what he is doing, and so forth. I don't have any friends, so I rely on him for company, but to him it means me watching him play games or whatever on the computer.<BR> I'm lost and do not know what to do. I love him so much, and I just want us to be happy. Do I shut-up and not say anything at all, or do I let him know how I feel? How do I go about telling him? <BR> I realize that this was lengthy, but I would appreciate your opinons.<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Amber V.<p>[This message has been edited by Amber (edited 03-16-99).]

I don't know if anyone has read this, but I'm asking for someone else's opionon. I don't have anyone else to talk to right now, because we are living in S. Korea, and I haven't met any friends yet. So, if you could please help me, it would be much appreciated.

Lets see if my password works before I write anything lengthy.

Amber,<P>The most important thing you nee to do is have interests outside of your husband. It appears that you are focussing in on him too much, and by doing this you will push him away and lose him because he will only see the attention as nagging. My mom used to say that a relationship is a dance called the "2-step", where one person is coming at the other until that person pulls away. You must pull back and let him come to you. If he doesnt then its not meant to be. You do this by finding other interests, and only you know what your interested in. So good luck to you.

LostinLove2,<BR> Thank you for your reply. It's nice to get another person's point of view.<BR> You are right, I do need to give him more freedom, and I have been trying.<BR> As for me getting out and doing stuff, I live in Seoul, Korea. I can speak just enough Hangul to get me from one Army base to the next. There isn't much to do when you don't understand the language. <BR> I guess my main reason for wanting to spend so much time with him, is that I get jealous if he goes to clubs on his own with his friends. I feel, that he had almost a year without me being around, and he should want to take me places and do things. It's hard for us to go out because of our son. We don't like leaving him with strangers, so we don't go out unless someone offers to watch him.<BR> I've been trying to do other things when he's on the computer, so I don't bother him as much. I think what irritates him the most is that I'm always asking him questions like he's doing something wrong. <BR> We don't have that bad of marriage, it's just that we have some conflicts. I don't think that he would ever leave me. He tells me that I better get healthy so that 50 years from now, I'm still alive. He says that he doesn't want to bury me at a young age like his grandfather had to do with his wife. I know he loves me, I just want to make life better for us.

Amber,<BR>In a way I know how you are feeling. I do not live in another country but my husband and I are now divorced since Nov 1998. He moved back home in Dec 1998. Everything was going ok I thought until a month or so ago. I found out that he was still talking and seeing a lady that we was seeing while we were separated. He tells me that that is over. Now I found out that he is calling a lady he met on the internet. He does not think that i know that. I have confronted him on this and denies everything. We seem to have drifted apart here lately. He still does not have all of his things home. His computer he still at his mothers. He goes down there just about every night before he goes to work, he works midnights, and checks his e mail. Wehn I am with him he will not let me look at his e mail or anything. He also has started going out more with his friends on the weekends. Before he would spend the weekends with me and our girls. I have put him first in my life above my family and my friends. I feel like the weekends is all that we have together since he works midnights and goes to college. And since he has come back home I have gained all of the weight that I lost while we were separeted and I feel like that is turning him away from me. On the weekends I like to spend time with him and it is really the only time that we get to sleep together. My friends are telling me give him some space and he will be fine. He is also telling me that I am pushing him away from me because he thinks that I want him with me all of the time. I dont ask much of him I do not think. I cannot imagine being in another country and not have my family and friends to talk to. it must be very difficult. i may not have helped you very much maybe I just wanted to let you know that someone knows what you are feeling.<P>Angel<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Amber, <P>It is sooooo hard to be in a new place where your spouse has all kinds of work interaction and you have very little. I completely agree with lostinlove2. As you develop other interests your hubby will develop a sudden interest in you. Do you close to any gym's (hopefully on base) that have child-care? Is your son getting close to pre-school age which would give you a few hours a day to work out or pursue other interests? (and he could play with other children, it's hard being an only child in a new place also) <P>You mentioned that your husband goes out with friends alone. I would highly recommend (sp?) reading Dr. Harley's concepts. Both you and your husband need to enjoy time out TOGETHER, not just hubby. I can totally understand why your feelings are hurt. Until you can find a regular sitter (LOOK LOOK LOOK) and until you feel comfortable with your weight again (I gained weight, and the whole club scene was unbearable) maybe you can do other things. Do you have a back yard or park/open area nearby? Bocce ball, soccer, or just plain old throwing a baseball around in the evening can be fun together time. <P>Most of all get active and interested in something. It'll take time but hopefully you'll be amazed at how your husband will come around and how much better you'll feel. Good Luck and hang in there! <P>PS Are adult education classes offered at any of the bases? Maybe you take some sort of course/cl****that interests you (Oh, let's see Hangul LOL or flower arranging, ceramic painting, anything. <P>PS Again, Geesh, if you feel like talking my e-mail addy is skibaby99@hotmail.com<P>[This message has been edited by KBear (edited 03-19-99).]<p>[This message has been edited by KBear (edited 03-19-99).]

edited<p>[This message has been edited by Willis (edited July 20, 2000).]

double post removed<p>[This message has been edited by Alice (edited 03-20-99).]

One idea is to use a video for excercise, You will not need a sitter for this, will feel instant results in self esteem, then the issues that set you off, will tend to roll off, sparking interest on your husbands part because you aren't responding the same.<BR>Also, leaving him at home to take the baby for a walk etc... these are all ways that show you VALUE you!!!!<BR>He will be proud of you and then possibly see where there are areas where he can improve in showing you.<BR>Good luck!!! (I will even mail you video if you can't get one!!!!)

I have to agree with pretty much all that has been said. I certainly cant claim to be a relationship expert - but I certainly have read all the books. <P>Remember that your husband married you because he loves you. You need to do some reading and become an expert with Harley's concepts. They are amazing. Start changing yourself, how you react to him and how you treat yourself, and he will change as well. Hope is certainly not lost. Make sure you dont use disrespectful judgements in trying to change him. You change you and hopefully he will change. All people change over time in reaction to the events of their lives. Try to trust him and your trust will probably be repaid. There is nothing like the thought that the person you love doesnt trust you to make you feel like you need to be somewhere else. He may be feeling like you dont appreciate what he does do, but remember you eed to show him that you love and appreciate his company in the way that he needs to be shown, not necessarily in the way you need to be shown.<P>I hope that you will see that the tunnel may be deep and long, but there is another side if you work at it. Take care.<P>Matt