I hope this is taken seriously, because it is to me. My wife and I got married <BR>just over 2 years ago and she was 20 when we got married. She believes that <BR>she got married too young (even though she was the one pressuring me to get <BR>married she says). Her values are that it is o.k. to be with (sexually) other <BR>people even if your married. She says that she would not have a problem if I <BR>were to have sex with other women as long as I protected myself, but I don't <BR>feel the same way. I believe in being with one partner only. She says that <BR>she doesn't want to lose me, but that she thinks about it more and more. When <BR>I bring up this subject, she tells me that she is being selfish and that she <BR>made a committment to me and that she is going to have to just deal with it. <BR>But it effects our personal life in many subtle ways (ie lack of affection, neglect, <BR>not really caring what the other person is feeling, and sexually feeling bad <BR>about the thoughts she has going through her head, etc...) I asked her if she <BR>thought separation would be good and she said no ( like she was trying to <BR>convince herself that this is what she believed). I asked her if she was <BR>afraid to admit the fact that she thought that a separation would be good, <BR>and she said yes. But she is willing to deal with this "problem" so as to <BR>not lose me. Last year I worked alot so we could save money, the plan we had agreed to was that I would only do it for a year. Well last September she went to California to visit a friend for a week. When she came back I knew something was up, she finally told me that she was attracted to this guy out there and had told him that she wanted to have sex with him. She said that nothing happened and I really do believe her. Now that guy is out of her mind and its been pretty good for a while, now she told me, through much talking, that she is having these thoughts again about other people (Im sure its one person in particular) and I am at the end. We have no kids and I not sure what to do.<P>Any thoughts ( please only helpful suggestions because this is a real life <BR>problem)

lostinlove,<P>Ahhh, to be young and incredibly stupid again... I don't envy your situation.<P>If your wife TRULY believes in open marriages, and that's against your beliefs, then I suggest that you divorce her. She married you under false pretenses, and no application of the Policy of Joint Agreement will fix this problem.<P>Of course, I'm betting that your wife doesn't really feel like that.<P>I suggest that you get to a marriage counselor very quickly. She says that she's willing to work on the marriage so as to not lose you: that would be my first plan. My guess is that your marriage suffers from problems (both sides), and that these problems are causing some of your wife's feelings. She's being honest with you about these, which is very good. Try not to respond to her honesty with disrespect or anger (lovebusters). <P>I'd suggest that you order the book "Give and Take" from the web site, and see if your wife would go through it with you (if she won't do counseling). You need to focus on eliminating lovebusters for each other first. Then you need to concentrate on meeting each other's emotional needs. You should be able to improve your marriage tremendously with learning to practice the Four Rules for a successful marriage (protection, care, honesty, and time).<P>I would give yourself about a year to implement this strategy, and see how your marriage progresses. Your wife is young, and she needs to mature. You can help that by demonstrating how mature love behaves: there's a ton of good information on this web site to do that. And I would recommend that you find a marriage counselor familiar with Dr. Harley's work.

lostinlove2, i agree with k, except i doubt the marriage is even salvagable. you've only been married 2yrs., you have no children. i too suggest divorce while it is much less of a problem. as long as you're together you two are at risk of producing a child in a high risk marriage. walk away now, while you can. you'll find someone fitting your needs. remember, the gr****is frequently greener on the other side. move on. good luck