Hi friends,<P>What if you had the opportunity to ask the WS any questions you could about the affair, betrayal, or OP? And you would get the absolute 100% honest answer. Do you feel there are some questions that are better left unanswered, or would you want to know everything?<P>Only those who know my situation will understand my question totally, but I guess I can at least say that it's time for some questions to be answered, and I guess some questions I come up with, I wonder, do I REALLY want to know that, or not? Some are rather intimate, some are more as to when and how this happened, etc. It will be a one time chance to ask absolutely anything, so since I'm doing it, I guess I want to get some input.<P>Thank you, hugs, Dana<P>PS I'm NOT looking forward to it, and very much anticipating being down a few days afterwards. <BR>

Dana,<P>I am in the same boat you are. I have found circumstantial evidence that have led me to be suspicious of my wife. I am not sure that she is having an affair, though. I have debated about whether or not I want to confront her with what I have discovered, but I am not sure she would give me an honest answer if I did and then I think she might feel her privacy has been invaded if she knew what I had discovered. Also, I am not sure if I want the truth. <BR>If I discovered her with a OM I would deal with it and confront, but as long as I only have suspicions I think I am leaning toward leaving it alone. I am not saying it doesn't bother me any less to think she might be having an affair, but I am just trying to deal with the possiblity.<BR>I hope this helps you. Good Luck. Chase

Well, if I cared, I would want to know what I could have done differently to keep her from wandering off. <P>Why she didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me, as her husband, that something was bothering her instead of finding someone else to meet her emotional needs.<P>And I would want to know if the destruction of our family and the infinite hurt she put my son and I through was really worth it.<P>But, I <B><I>REALLY, HONESTLY</B></I>don't care anymore. I believe, now, it's her loss. It was her decision, and she is going to have to live with it. I've picked myself back up and I'm moving on. I have a son to raise and a life to live, and I'm looking forward. Thinking about her & her boy friend is only looking backwards for me. I have no time for that.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

DanaB<P>Ouch!!! My wife (stbxw) has never admitted to an affair. She has showed a lot of suspicious behaviors, like throwing away phone/cell phone bill attachments that show all calls made. Many people on the outside looking in say that from the road signs they see it appears that there may be someone else. I’ve been advised to pull up all old phone records and so on. Why? Will it help my situation? Or will it just increase my pain? I guess my opinion is that some things are probably best left unknown, in my case. <P>I really can’t think of any question that I would ask my wife. I’ve already asked how could we get back together and got a reply of “When hell freezes over”. What else is there to ask?<P>My only advice is that you think long and hard about this. I know a little about you and I know that you’re a very strong woman. But dear, think hard and don’t ask a question that you really don’t want to know the answer to.<P>Love, Bill<BR><P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Dana,<P> Like ChaseJordan said. I am in your shoes now. It started in Jan 01. I had a naging feeling that my WS is haveing an affair with someone at work. When I asked her about is she denied it and said that they were just friends. Now they live together. It hurt me very badly. I have asked her since how she could betray me and the kids and she doesn't have an answer. I would ask just because I would want to know the truth. I wouldn't want to be living a lie. I would just ask very carefully.

Dana,<P>I never got to ask any questions, so I do have a few.<P>The easy ones are the ones regarding timing (when did EA start, when did PA start?). Not for the morbid curiosity, but to be able to correlate my wife becoming extremely b*tchy and angry towards me with what I now suspect was the start of their relationship.<P>The tough questions I can ask, but she can't give me the answers. Like Nick said, why did she choose to drop her pants instead of dropping a hint that there were problems in our marriage? How did the woman who pledged her life to me decide to bail out as soon as she became "unhappy" (most of the unhappiness being caused by her screwed up childhood)?<P>Or, the most simple and global question of them all: WHY did this have to happen??? She can give me lots of excuses (wasn't happy, grew apart, and blah, blah, f***ing blah), but no real answers...<P>But like others said, as time goes on, I really care less and less about her affair, about her reasons, and about her...<P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited May 30, 2001).]

The more I distance myself from my ex, the less I want to know about him or his motivations. He wouldn't know the truth if it slapped him upside the head, so I would never get an honest answer anyway.<P>He is no longer a person I would wish to associate myself with...no residual questions remain...just a sense of "what was I thinking????" <P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>I am woman...hear me roar...okay - meow...okay - purr? Hey, I'm working on it.

Lisa,<P>Can I just copy and paste your post??? What I want to know is how everyone else in my life saw the truth about my ex and I didn't. I mean, everybody. They had him nailed from day one. Some told me, some didn't, some just hinted at it and were supportive. <P>The only questions that matter to me are those I ask about myself.

Hi friends,<P>Let me clarify a little for those who may have missed my post about a month ago.<P>Not to confuse a WS with a BF. There is great debate that it is not considered "cheating" when there is no marriage vow, but to me, if you have a commitment and both agree NOT to do it, its cheating.<P>Anyhow, my talk won't be with WS, or exH, but someone else. Yet, betrayal, and affairs are all the same, and in this case, I do care because we are trying to be in a "recovery mode" of some sort. <P>That's why I'm a little nervous as to what questions to ask. I have some basic ones. When did it start, (and like someone said, being able to corrolate the bad moods, etc). How did it come about? In my case, it wasn't an "ongoing" thing, but twice is enough in my book. There are so many other factors that makes my situation too hard to explain but I do want some input on what are some good questions, compared to ones that I don't need to know.<P>Without offending anyone, I guess I wonder about some intimate things and just want to know how intimate it got, or was it a "quickie" thing. OK sorry to offend, but I don't want to be graphic here. You hopefully get the idea.<P>We already know we will stay together after this talk, this is part of a healing process, and effort to communicate better. A general rule has been established that everything comes out in this talk, and no going back to it. Yes, the underlying issue will be that it happened, that will be there forever, BUT, not something I will bring up when I don't get my way, to bully, or manipulate, or any of that. <P>This is just a part of "closure" and "growth" at the same time I guess.<P>But personally, I don't really want to go back to a painful place, yet, questions are getting the best of me.<P>Thanks, hugs, Dana<P>PS GSD, outside looking in, is always easier to see things, as well as hindsight always making sense! Partly why I want to understand my situation so I better understand the WARNING signs should I ever be faced with them again. <P>

Okay, lady. You asked for it--you got it.<P>I asked my H what he liked about her, thinking that would give me a clue to his emotional needs and what made him feel good. That was a hard one to hear.<P>I asked if he loved her. He said he felt "in love" but not comfortable, companionship love. That was also kind of hard to hear.<P>I asked what he liked about her physically. Okay, I actually said that it seemed that with all of his A's he picked women who had what I call a "willowy" body type (tall, thin, and whispy), whereas my body type is more short, strong, and softball-type. Why did he marry a person who's general body-type he was not attracted to?<P>I asked if he had had other affairs besides her. Brace yourself for that answer!<P>I asked if he was just back because he'd lose half of his stuff and lose time with the kids, or if he actually picked me because he had feelings for me.<P>I asked if she did anything for him that I either did not or would not do--and I meant ANYTHING. <P>Those are some pretty serious questions, huh? You know, DanaB, I am not sure if these were great questions to build or improve our relationship, but these were questions that were nagging inside me and that I had to know. These were also questions that I had to know if he would tell me the truth now, or if he would try to squirm out of them like before. So, my advice to you, Dana, is that you know the questions that are bugging you and burning your insides? Ask him. See if he tells you the truth, even though it hurts a bit for him to say it and you to hear it. See if he lets you feel whatever sadness or pain you may feel and comforts you -OR- does he try to minimize and pretend "Oh that's not that painful. You're exaggerating."<P>I would also advise some mutual agreement between you two that would limit the amount of this type of discussion. For example, we agreed to ask ANY question and we had to answer thoroughly and truthfully, but we limited it to one question a day. That way, I felt like if I HAD to know, I knew I could ask, and he felt like it wouldn't turn into an all night interrogation or guilt party. <P><BR>You'll be in my thoughts and prayers as you two have your "meeting" and ask each other these questions. Write if you have a minute.<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Here's what I asked my ex-H and if I were you, I'd wanna know about your situation...<P>*Was it a quickie thing (just like you said)?<P>*What did you feel as you were "doing it"?<P>*Did it happen more than once? (as in: that night, over a day or two or three, over weeks or months)<P>*What can I do to make this never happen to us again?<P>*Where did you do it? (as in: the couch, the floor, a bed, the shower)<P>*How did you feel afterward?<P>I think that's it... at one time, I did want the ugly, ugly details (like what did her nipples look like? and yes, I'm serious, and if a man can ask what his penis looked like, I don't think I'm way off base with this one). I would no longer have any desire to ask those kinds of questions because I found out that the answers hurt waaaaay too much to justify asking.<P>

Probably this topic has been exhausted, but here's my 2 cents:<P>My wife is having an affair now, and it has been going on for at least 1 1/2 years. And because she's been lying to my face that long I really believe she's had other affairs, beginning as long ago as maybe 12 years ago. I'm going to file for divorce this week,(she wants me out of her life).<BR>(Just as an aside, I find the affair hard to believe: I don't drink, don't smoke, don't take drugs, don't chase women, don't fool around, don't gamble, love my son, am artistic, funloving, humorous, an all around nice guy... and yet I'm not good enough for her.... go figure.... 'cause I can't figure it....)<BR> Anyway, there's no way on earth I'd want to know even the tiniest detail of her affair/s. The last thing I need in this life is a vision of horror, (or to be honest to my real feelings now, "whore-er"), a vision of her with another guy; especially after the years of her telling me she won't sleep in the same room as me, won't make love, won't hug me, won't kiss me, won't hold my hand--because I seem like a stranger to her; and because she is no longer interested in sex, (yeah, right...). <BR> To me, getting the details would be like surgically implanting a knife blade in my heart, there to be continually bounced, bumped, twisted and turned, torturing myself for the rest of my life.<BR> I don't know you, but my ignorant advice is: stay as far away from the details as you can!!<P>And I'm terribly sorry you're going through this. I hate it, myself. Hey, I must be growing! My wife has cheated on me, and is still doing so, many times and I used to hate women because of it. Yet here I am expressing sympathy to a woman whose husband is a @$%^. Whew, what a relief to see I won't be damaged forever!<P>------------------<BR>Waiting for God...

Sorry, something else I forgot to add: Guys, and probably this is true for women too, if you suspect your wife is having an affair, it seems to me she probably is, (unless you are a very controlling, very jealous type). I spent the last 5-12 years in misery suspecting she was unfaithful and yet absolutely denying the possibility: she's a woman! Woman don't do that! Only low class scum men commit adultery! Women are all sugar and spice, especially my wife! Especially because she had her eyes glued to me watching my every movement, including my eye movements. Since she's so hard on me, she couldn't possibly be cheating on me. Right?<P>Oh sure.... (the correct answer by the way is: WRONG). <BR>Again my ignorant advice is: if you suspect your spouse is having an affair, and you are not the paranoid, delusional, pathologically jealous type, they probably are having an affair. And based on my life these last 5-12 years, do yourself a HUGE favor, one of the best things you can do for yourself, find out the truth NOW and do something about it NOW! <BR> Don't make the HUGE MISTAKE I made and fool yourself, (delude yourself? Am I delusional? Guess so...),<BR>thinking it's not possible, or I don't want to know right now, or if I ignore this it will all go away, because it's exactly like tooth decay: It is 100% sure to get worse, and left totally untreated will end up killing you.<P>Ok, that's my, well... 3 bucks.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Waiting for God...

Dana<P>My ex and I reconciled for awhile after I found out about (one of) his affair(s) while we were still married. I wanted to know details, too. And while it's hard to imagine what those answers might be, I believe it's harder once you know them for sure, to live with the mental images day after day. Understand that that's how I felt, maybe not how it's affected others. Whichever, I wish you strength.

Hi friends,<P>Thanks for the input. I guess I forgot the "where" question. Eeks. This is getting painful just thinking about it. But I can't let the nagging feelings keep getting to me, and the mental pictures I have are pretty bad too, so I might as well be getting hurt over the truth rather than my imagination.<P>So far I guess I want to know when it started, how it started, were the 2 times in one night or seperate, where the hell was I when it was going on?, did you think of me when it happened, where did it happen, after it happened, what did you feel, as in fear about me finding out, relief, did you feel it was a mistake, what does it feel like to cheat on someone?, can you believe in your heart there is closure to that and it won't happen again, did you say I love you, and also, why are the reasons you love me?<P>I suppose I'll ask if she did anything I didn't/wouldn't do, but I doubt it, I'm pretty happy to try anything. I probably will ask if there is anything I am doing wrong or could do to make him more happy and also tell him what my needs are too.<P>This is very painful just thinking about it, and I am not looking forward to it at all. For conversation being one of my top needs, this is making me miserable. <P>Hugs, Dana<P><BR>

I have no desire to ask my EX WS a single question...<BR>She was incapable of being honest and what makes me think she is now??<P>She already answered ever question I asked with complete dishonesty....So what's the point...<P>I know in my heart what the answers are....I say let sleeping dogs lie...<P>Bill

Hi Dana,<P>I guess I'm pretty much with a few others on this. I'd leave it alone.<P>I asked so many questions, didn't get the truth one single time, re-played those mental images of him/her together so I went mental!! etc etc etc.<P>I can understand your wanting to know. We've all been there right?<P>But, (here goes) if he's told you it was a mistake, you are back together now and working through this together, what difference does it make. (can't believe I said that) He made a mistake, this was his wife after all, he tried one last time (for whatever reason) to see if anything was salvagable and it's obviously not, he's with YOU.<P>Personally, I couldn't/didn't ask any personal intimate questions as I never wanted to experience that mental re-playing in my head of my husband with someone else. Never. Of course I had those images but I didn't know anything for sure.<P>Girl, what I'm saying is be careful here. You seem to have so much going for you both, together. Could you accept that he made a mistake, it was something he had to do, but it's done and over with. If he is half the man I think he is, he will feel guilt about this for the rest of his life, and that to me would be punishment enough. And I ask this, do you REALLY want to know. You've been here before, you know the story......<P>I say forgive him and love him all the more.<P>In my mind ( maybe a sick mind) he tried everything to save his marriage. I know it hurt you, and sure as eggs you didn't deserve it, but to me that says he does have some morals and tried to do what was right. Imagine what he will do to save your relationship if you can show him forgiveness<BR>now.<P>Just think Dana, is it really important, and do you want to put yourself through it.<P>Someone told me once, or I read it somewhere, that before doing/making any life changing decisions, go and sit in a cemetary. It puts things in perspective.<P>In twenty years time, when you're happily sitting on your porch with this man, will these questions be worth the pain you will carry with you, maybe not forever, but certainly for a long time.<P>I personally would be using this conversation to set some ground rules to make sure it never never happens again. Look to the future. How to ensure it never happens again, if she should be the one to initiate it.<P>God, who the hell am I to say this. But I am someone who cares about you, and hurts for you that you have been through it again. Once is enough for anyone. <P>I somehow never felt the need to ask him what she was like in bed, didn't even want to know what she looked like. The fact that he did it just went straight to the heart of my being. It didn't matter what she did sexually, or what she looked like. He did it. I had so many questions about why he never told me he had a problem with me or our marriage, but all I ever got was "I don't know".<P>Just be careful. Because you will have those images for the rest of your life. Do you want them?<P>Try and focus on the future. Not the past.<P>I'm here for you, and I hope you believe that all I've said was said with love. I'll be praying for you.<P>Jo<BR>

DanaB,<P>I hope you take this the right way...<P>If I remember right, your husband "cheated" on you before you married him. Your current BF has also well, for lack of a better word, cheated on you. I was one of the people who were a little reluctant to call it cheating, not because you didn't have an agreement (I'm sure you did) but because I wasn't so sure he was divorced when you got involved with him....that, and I thought it was too soon for him (maybe you too) to be involved in a serious relationship. You know what my beliefs are about having relationships before a divorce is final -- BS or WS. Anyway, I don't want to dredge up that whole mess.<P>In any case, if I have my facts straight, there seems to be a pattern here. Like I said above. I really hope you take this the right way and not that I'm trying to slam you. I really don't want to see you in divorce #2 someday...

back to the topic....<P>why ask the question when you won't trust the answer anyway? Some things can probably never really be known, unfortunately. In a way, I suppose one can be sympathetic towards those who habitually lie. They are most likely lying to themselves as much or more than they do to others. A life of confusion and half-truths is not a place I want to exist or envy in others...ok. well, maybe I envy it sometimes.