I'm not wanting a divorce but my W does because she is tried of being married, she wants a new start (org. post May 25& 26). I have always talked about family values to my dgth and W has asked me not to say anything else to her that it will only confussed her when I have to move out, I told her to move out herself and I will stay in house with dgth, went over like a lead balloon. What affect is this going to be on my dgth? she wants to be with both of us all the time. My dgth always wants us to do stuff as a family.<BR>Please give me some expectation? Thanks<BR>

There is a book on divorcing and parenting. I forget the full title, because I didn't actually buy it. My husband did who actually initiated our separation, but is still very concerned as to how his actions are affecting our children (ages 4 and 1, both living with me). The title did have the word, "Sandcastle" listed in it and was highly recommended and addresses kids of different ages. E.g. in particular how important it is to see the kids daily at that young of an age because their sense of time is different.<P>I agree. If you're wife is initiating this, she ought to be the one to leave and you take full custody of your daughter and your home. Honestly, I don't know how all that works. It seems pretty apparent that your wife isn't considering what kinds of things she is teaching your daughter who is at such an impressionable age. But, from her history, it seems she has learned quite a bit from her own mother in how to handle relationships or conflicts that arise from them. It also sounds like she has a strong relationship w/ her mom and might want the same type of relationship w/ her own daughter.<P>You are in a difficult place. I hope something in the legal system can work on your side. Good luck!<p>[This message has been edited by Que Sera (edited May 30, 2001).]

Hi there,<P>your post caught my eye, as I have 2 daughters, nearly 6 and just turned 3.<P>From my own situation, my children are seemingly quite unaffected and very well adjusted. We have been separated 2 years this coming Sept. and we got divorced last Dec. ex-h was WS with someone he worked with. Usual story, the lies that followed, the being caught out, the marriage counselling sessions where he lied all the way through it etc etc etc.<P>It has been a long hard road to get where we are, and I have done and said so many things wrong. In anger, in hurt, in jealousy.<P>But, we worked so hard 'together' (??) to try and do the right thing for our children. And that meant me letting him see them whenever he wants, he rings them every night, they stay with him when I'm working (I'm a shiftworker) and he comes to their birthday parties etc.<P>It's been hard, so hard at times, but when I look at my children it has all been worth it. They know obviously that Daddy doesn't live with us, but the fact that they can ring him whenever they want or see him whenever they want must make them feel ok.<P>I've always told them that Daddy loves them, and that he always will. I've always told them that Daddy is a good man. (made me choke sometimes!!! and want to vomit!!!) BUT I have to remember that he has been good to them. What happened was betw. US, and had nothing to do with the children.<P>When I left him (because he chose her) we sat our eldest d down together and told her that Mummy, baby sister and her were leaving to go and live near Nanny and Grampy. But Daddy wasn't coming. We said Daddy needed some time by himself because he thought he didn't love mummy anymore. (in hindsight that bit was a mistake.) As one of my gf's pointed out, children need to feel secure and loved by their parents and letting her know that Daddy didn't love Mummy doesn't help that feeling!!<P>As I said, it's been a long hard road, probably for both of us, but the fact is we have 2 happy well-adjusted d's. They've settled in to their new home, made some new friends, love their kindy and school and have a loving extended family who adore them. They also see their Daddy all the time.<P>Who knows what the future will bring, in terms of their behaviour, or the side-effects of this divorce. I can only hope that with so much love surrounding them, and stable role models provided by other members of my family, they will grow up knowing what is important, who is important and how to be good citizens.<P>I can only say to you that if you can put the children first, really put them first, everything has a way of working out for the best. Don't get me wrong, I've made some pretty big mistakes, I'm not the perfect mother or the perfect person, but I've tried to learn from this whole debacle and grow with it. And I've tried to always think about what is best for my girls.<P>hope it works out for you<P>hugs<P>Jo

Well, I have an unusual situation where my H wants out - claims there is no OW. So, after nine months of his first expressed wish that we should separate, we are buying a house together... it's different. We bought a house that has two units in it. He will be living upstairs - 3 br and I will be living on the main floor - 3 br. The kids will have access to either of us. This is a transitionary time as we "grow apart" or if luck has it... or shall I say prayer... "grow back together." It's been immensely painful and yet growing all at the same time. I feel totally rejected and yes, I'm a bit worried about being under the same roof as the one who claims he never loved me... BUT, we share three wonderfully God-gifted children - boys ages 3, 5, and 7. They are magnificent... therefore, I'm learning what it means to empty myself and put the interests of my children first. As Jo (Bonnet) posted, the kids need regular access to both parents in these formative years. I'm pleased to hear how well her children are doing given the circumstances.<P>Maybe in a year you can ask me how this "nesting" arrangement went. Right now, I'm okay yet fearful about it but I'm truly trusting God in this. <P>So, all the best to you and your daughter... it's really best if you can put your differences aside and really work through some sort of co-parenting teamwork plan. We'll hopefully be going to counseling to help us learn ways to communicate more effectively for the KID'S sake...<P>Take care!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Thank You for the replies, I will take all you all have said and do whatever I can to be the best Dad ever so my dght isn't hurt by this at all, I'm so sorry that any child has to go through something like this, I'm still hoping my W will come to her senses and try to make this marriage work for the best interest of our dght., if only I can keep her mother from butting into our business it would work.<BR>Thank you all again.

My H's leaving has been devastating to our children. He has called them a handful of times in over two years, sees them a dozen hours a month - even though they have begged him to see them more. Shortly after he left (without telling the kids in advance) he told them that he didn't like me anymore and that he made a mistake marrying me. Six weeks after he left he introduced them to the OW. <P>I think it is rare for co-parenting to work. The OP, especially if it is an OW, will usually do just about anything to try to erase the father's past, including his relationship with his children, and research has shown that most men will just go along with it. I think in general that female WS's are somewhat less likely to completely destroy the relationship with their children.

I am sorry for what you are going through. I know it is tough. I think every situation is different but the way a divorce affects a child comes down to the maturity with which the adults are willing to handle it. <P>In my case it's been a year and my children seem happy and well adjusted, which in itself is suprising to me, but my XH and I did manage to work together when it came to the children even if we couldn't be civil on other grounds. <P>I have three daughters 11, 10 and four (birthday today). The oldest lives with her father and the two younger with me. My oldest is with me two weekends out of the month and my 10 and four year old stay with their father the other two weekends. They are together every weekend. I have always heard and read about how terrible and damaging divorce is for children so I was preparing for the worst and yet mine seem to go against the norm, if that's what you can call it. They have bloomed. Their grades have improved and so has their outlook on life. They seem happier, self-confident and more independent. I can only think that my marriage was so stressful that the divorce was a relief to them. I'd like to believe that their well being is due to the fact that their father and I repeatedly told them, it wasn't their fault and that we loved them no matter what.<P>The difference in behavior from my four year old as compared to the older two, is that she talks about her father constantly and always wants to see daddy, but when she's with him, she does the same, only about me. At this age, she is still gathering information at amazing quantities and speed, and she does not have the same concept of time that we do. Next month is the same as next week as tomorrow is. <P>The only time she has shown any strange behavior is recently when my XH started seeing someone. She suddenly became clingy towards me and stopped rattling on about her father as much. She reverted for a couple of days (wetting her pants which she hasn't done in almost two years), but that might have something to do with finding the gf in his bed one morning (big goof!)<P>Just remember not to use your kids to fight with. My XH's reaction wasn't so smooth or nice in the beginning. I was the one that decided to leave, enough was enough, but at one point he picked up the baby and grabbed the other two and physically wouldn't allow them to leave with me and managed to scare the h*** out of my children. I still hope they'll forget that night. <P>Despite my anger and resentment towards him, I have always told my children that their father is a good man and that he loves them very much and I encourage them to respect him and be nice to his gf. <P>You know what they say about stability? It's true. I don't mean the physical house, etc... I'm talking about the emotional needs (yes even children have emotional needs that we as parents need to fulfill) and a regular pattern or ritual that children need in order to feel comfortable and stable. Because in the beginning I was moving a lot, everywhere we went we tried to keep the same schedule and the same rituals, in my case - ie get up at same time every morning, eat meals together at regular times, take walks or go to the park on Saturdays, church every Sunday and lunch with friends afterwards, read a story every night before bed, and they still need discipline. Don't let them get away with murder to asuage your guilt.<P>I'm sorry I've rambled on, but I hope this helps. My four year old had a party today and as a friend commented, she is surprised and grateful that my XH and I can spend the afternoon together without tension or awkwardness. I'm sure the children appreciate it too.<BR>

Blues,<P>My D (age 3.5) had a lot of problems when her dad left. <P>The first weekend he ripped her from our home without any warning and left her with his parents for the entire weekend..... people she had only been alone with for a few hours, and only once or twice had that happened. He left her there and disappeared.<P>Afterwards, she wanted to talk to him and to see him. But he wouldn't so much as call. For about 2 weeks we tried eating dinner out with him once a week. Then he stopped that. He came over once a week for a few hours, then he stopped that too. He never called, even when I told him that she wanted to talk to him. And if I called because she was asking for him, he'd take a nasty tone of voice with me on the phone.....and to top that off, our D would decide she didn't want to talk to him. In short, she was very mad at him for abandoning our home.<P>We had been doing potty-training. That all fell apart. In addition, she changed classrooms and teachers at daycare. It was horrible. Suddenly we were dealing with behavior problems unlike any we had ever seen with her. I eventually learned that she was making up stories at school about things which we done as a family --- going to the circus, the beach, riding elephants, dancing, picnics --- things which never happened. But with a lot of communication with her teachers, we made quick progress with her and were rapidly catching her back up with her class in the developmental area.<P>We eventually got to where she was seeing her daddy on some Saturdays. But more behavior problems popped up when he started taking our D around the OW. All this time my stbxH was lying to his family about his relationship with the OW. In addition, he began to tell our D to not tell me when they saw the OW. This was terribly confusing for her; her father was lying in front of her and encouraging her to lie. Her response was to act out, again.<P>Then we went to court in Feb. for temporary orders, including visitation orders. My stbxH opted to keep her overnight on Weds. during the schoolyear and then everyother weekend (3 nights). The problems that we had when he initially left started all over again. But this time he was refusing to get with the program --- she'd come home in diapers, he wouldn't come pick up any toys for her to play with, or clothing for her to wear, no books to read, nothing. She didn't want to go see her father: they only watched movies on TV, they didn't go anywhere, he'd play on the computer while she had to 'play' alone (with nothing to play with), and her room had a huge centaur painted on the wall which scared her....she thought her room was icky, and her daddy never talked to her.<P>I started doing a lot of research on this end. I sent articles to my stbxH about what needs to be done to make a child feel comfortable in his home. He got her her own little bed, the room got painted, he bought her some clothes for play and for church....but she still says that she doesn't have any toys or books. <P>I borrowed one book from the library and bought another. Both are picturebooks about divorce and they have been wonderful! "It's not your fault, Koko Bear" & "Dinosaurs Divorce" LittleBit will sometimes just sit in her beanbag and look at the pictures. And reading them has been a wonderful avenue to starting conversations about things that may be bothering her. I had to coach her dad in how to use them, and he blew it up once when he told that she now has two families, while the books stress One family, Two homes.<P>But overall, she's much happier now. <P>I can tell from conversations that her behavior has leveled off. She's still more talkative with me and her father is still lying and telling her to lie, but not as much since the temporary orders prevent him from taking her around the OW. She's behaving about the same around me as she is with him. Potty-training is better.....but she uses her poop to express herself. Because we've been talking so much, her vocabulary and ability to express herself are well ahead of her classmates. But she also deals with more frustrations than them and it does show at times. <P>We did another classroom and teacher change a few weeks ago. Again, regression. But this time she is pulling out of it much faster. However, Wed. visits have ended. More importantly though, she's going to be spending almost all of July with her dad. I'm really worried about her. Her greatest fear has been that of losing her mommy. She worries about me. And I miss her bad enough when she's gone for a weekend.<P>My advice?:<BR>- Communicate with your kids -- phone calls, talking, cards & letters, postcards, drawing pictures.<BR>- Make a place for them in your home. Their spot, their things.<BR>- Consistent discipline (we didn't have a problem with this).<BR>- Consistent expectations and responses. I.e. communicate with the other parent.<P>POJA --- This is the best place to use it. My stbxH refused to use it at all with anything. But, unbeknownst to him, I think we've slipped into it because it is what is best for our D. <P>But we still have some major problems: most recent, he wanted to dictate to me that Wed. visits were to continue through the summer.....but he wouldn't give up anything in exchange. I exercised my rights as directed by our orders. <P>To me, it's simple: He's the one having the affair. He's the one that's wanting the divorce. He's the one that left the house. He's the one that left our daughter and wouldn't even call her. He's the one that put his needs in front of her's so that I had educate him as to what his duties were towards our daughter while she was with him. He is the one who exercised poor taste, morals, and decision-making by taking our daughter around the OW, behaving inappropriately with the OW around our daughter, lying to his parents in the presence of our daughter, and telling our daughter to lie.<P>Does that sound like the type of person you want your kid hanging around? <P>I know she loves her daddy, but the man isn't making decisions in the best interest of his daughter. I shouldn't have to get a court-order to keep him from taking our child around the OW. He should exercise reason and not his emotions. He can't even put his daughter before his own self-interests. <P>How do I protect her against his poor decisions?<P>~Amy

Thank You all for you thoughts, I will do everthing I can to keep my dght.from being emotionally harm in all of this. My W doesn't have a heart at all and only thinks of herself I feel like. She has always thought that the world should revolve around her and whats make her happy, such a sad way of thinking she has.<BR>Thank You all again.