I keep reading in a lot of the posts that sex is the number 1 need (or atleast highly ranked) for a lot of men. What does it mean when a 25 year old man has no desire to make love to his wife? And what does it mean when he vocalizes that he sees no problem with the fact that we have sex only once every 2-3 monthes? He says that "things change and you have to learn to adapt. Everyone slows down after a while". We haven't even been married for 2 years! We are still supposed to be in the honeymoon phase, aren't we?<P>I am like any woman. I have emotional and physical needs that I need met and for me it is hard to choose which is more important. Making love to my husband makes me feel safe, important to him, connected and close to him, special and a whole raft of other emotions. I am not handling the loss of that closeness very well. Can a marriage survive if there is no sex involved? What does it say about me if my feelings for him are starting numb due in part to this issue? I still love him and I wouldn't cheat or anything remotely like that. But sometimes I get to the point where I am tired and I just really don't care anymore. Am I over reacting? IS this something that happens to everyone?

Well, I realize from many friendships and experiences over the years that people's needs and drives to vary; BUT-<P>Speaking as a 47 year old man, in a relationship with a 48 year old women, if you told either one of us that we would have to settle for once every 2-3 months, honey there would be riots in the jailhouse tonight!<P>It's often said, and there's probably a great deal of truth to the saying that the most important sexual organ is between the ears. IMHO, the sexual/physical side tends to reflect the general emotional energy state and communication in the relationship. If open communication and feelings are repressed because of fears, mistrust, or family of origin issues, then this ends up repressing the flow between partners on all levels, including obviously the sexual. Though there are personal differences in libido due to temperment, socialization, etc., for a 25 year old male in good physical health (don't forget to rule out potential physical issues) to have this low an interest seems very unusual to me. At that age, my norm was 3-8 times per week, depending on other obligations. <BR>And no, I'm not some testosterone loaded freak of nature with runaway horomones; in fact, though in my late forties, I have relatively low body hair, still don't have a full facial beard (though it's spread out more in the last 5-7 years), and are of otherwise average build (6'2", 200 lb, active in dancing, hiking, etc., but no jock- I'm more the techno-geek type, really).<BR>So, get a check up with the doctor, maybe, and by all means review the excellent materials available on this site and in Dr. Harley's books- they're excellent, and very reasonably priced. Often men and women find that if they understand their partner's needs in areas other than sex, and can accomodate those more successfully, then the sex takes care of itself. Are there any ongoing unresolved issues or conflicts in your relationship? These may hold clues, particularly if they are related to the major need area's in "His Needs, Her Needs". This can particularly become a problem if your partner/spouse doesn't even recognize that an important need of yours has any validity or worth; this is often a stumbling block for couples, because their priorities (between men and women) may be quite different, and it's an unfortunate human shortcoming to discound what isn't important to you- (you know, if we're "soulmates", and this need or activity isn't important to me, then how can it be important to you?)(of course, this is a type of narcissim, actually- lack of empathy is one of the biggest lovebusters out there).<P>Regards, Jon

Well, your not alone. If you read my post by brennie, can a man be in love with a women and not desire them, I think you will see a kindred spirit. I am in my mid 40's and still want to feel desired and loved. You said it right, you feel safe, connected and special. Unfortunately I dont even have that <BR>any longer. I replaced the empty sex life with bickering and quarreling to vent my frustrations. If you need to chat please feel free to email me at sammyjunesunday@hotmail.com. Good luck.

Sam,<BR>Like others have said here, I understand and am in the same situation. Is there some baggage that your husband is carrying from his past? My husband was in a relationship before us where his girlfriend wanted sex constantly. He felt used and sickened by sex, especially when he found out she had been cheating on him the whole time. It has been hard for him to overcome his negative feelings towards sex. It also took him a few years before he could even voice his past frustrations with it and how it might be affecting our intimacy. I would venture to guess that you are feeling less and less connected emotionally which is where I have been too. I learned that there was little I could do to get him to explain why he didn't enjoy or even seem to desire sex. It took a lot of patience and a lot of time helping him to feel emotionally comfortable with me. We are finally just beginning (like in the last 2 or 3 days) to discuss his past. But it has taken a long time to get here and a lot of work on both of our parts. I don't know if this helps in any way. I just know how lonely it feels.

Mary123<P>My husband had a "different" childhood then I, but I don't know if it was bad enough to cause this kind of damage. He grew up surrounded by divorce, alcoholism, his father cheating, as a latchkey kid, no curfew at age 10, and drinking shortly thereafter. While we were dating, there were a couple of incidences where he was unfaithful to me. But I am "swear on the bible" sure that he is not cheating on me now. He is a very emotionally tight person and due to a rough patch that we went through last summer he is holding himself back from me in other ways. Kind of preparing for a "just incase" situation. I guess those are all pretty justifiable reasons. The question is can our marriage survive this way? I don't possibly see how. This will make me sound like an awful person, and I hope that I have the willpower and faith in god to prevent it from happening; but it has been so long since he has touched me, and I am actually find myself fantisizing about other men. I can't help it. I don't know what to do. I want my husband and I want my marriage.