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Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 505
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gsd Offline OP
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Wasn't sure what kind of icon to put with this message. I feel melancholy, tired, a little sad, a little apathetic. So I put a question mark. We would have been married 4 years. He has been gone now a year, and I am wondering why I am not feeling what I think I should. Should I feel guilty because I now see that I do NOT want a marriage to an immature, alcoholic, man who can't tell the truth? Am I a fool for loving a man like that at all? Yuk. The questions are plaguing me more than the grief, which is passing. <P>What did you do on your anniversary day after the divorce? How did you feel? I will be packing for a summer trip I am taking and finishing final things at school. Lots to keep me occupied. Should I be feeling something other than business as usual??

Joined: Mar 2001
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GSD,<P>I am a very emotional man and I knew that our anniversary last weekend was going to be hard. Our divorce won't be final til July 10th. I was lucky that we got married on my grandfathers b-day. This year was his 80th and we planned a suprise party for him. I picked up our girls at 7:15 am and brought them back at 8:45 pm. The day was filled with family and fun. <P>The difficult times were when I picked up the girls and saw my wife. I brought her flowers and a beautiful card. I gave her a hug, cried, and left. Then right at 4:00pm I started to have a breakdown (4:00 pm was the time of our wedding). I got through it.<P>Thoughts and prayers.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Joined: Sep 2000
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gsd,<P>Okay, for one thing accept the fact that this is going to be a tough day--you might want to consider taking the day off, if you can. OTOH, you may be like me, and being surrounded by my friends at work was comforting to me. BUT here's what I did and do. When days come up that are significant to me that are "anniversaries" of all kinds (the day he left, Valentines' Day, wedding anniversary, etc.), I look at those days now as an opportunity to reclaim them. <P>I usually accept the fact that I'm going to have swirling emotions that day. It's just going to happen, so I don't try to deny it or pretend I'm "okay". If I'm going to go to work that day (and I personally usually do), I tell the folks at work that it's "Such and Such" day tomorrow. At my job, there are 10 of us on a team and five of the ladies on my team have been very supportive and helpful for me--part of my wise council. Then, I plan ahead and buy some lotion tissue just in case. Then I pull out my journal and the night before I write a bit, and I carry it with me during the day. Last but not least, I plan some sort of celebration FOR ME for that day. <P>I can't tell you how many days in the year have been tainted by this affair, but I can say that as this year (2001) has been going along, I have been reclaiming the days. I don't sit around and mope and feel sorry for myself (although if I feel sad, I let myself feel sad for a minute). Nope, I think, "What would be an appropriate celebration FOR ME today?" and I go ahead and plan it. <P>One very recent example was Mothers Day. Although it is true that I will always be a Mother, and although it is true that we are starting to reconcile, I felt some sorrow over the fact that I used to celebrate Mothers Day as a secure wife, and now I don't know WHAT I am. Anyway, I wrote the night before Mothers' Day (and for me, writing it down is one way to let those emotions out), and I planned my own day for Mothers' Day. I wanted to sleep in late; I planned to go to brunch at a restaurant that I like; I planned to open cards and presents from the kids in the afternoon; and then I planned to go to the movies, and I picked the movie! <P>So, my advice would be to embrace the way that you feel. I've found this year that I THINK I should feel sad or upset, and all I actually just feel a bit lonely. So I accept it! If you are packing and finishing some things at school, and you don't feel particularly sad or emotional--well then, good for you! Celebrate your strength! Next, do what you need to do for you to commemorate this day. Make your own plans, and do what will make you feel some joy and enjoyment. Last, but not least, reclaim this day the used to be a wedding anniversary as a special day for GSD! <P>{{{{{GSD}}}}}<P>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Joined: Jul 2000
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((((((gsd)))))))<P>In my saga, I learned of my (ex)wife’s unhappiness and desire for a divorce on June 18th, 2000, which happened to be Father’s Day last year and I ended up signing my final Decree of Divorce on my actual wedding anniversary. This year, I have two dates coming up which may or may not affect me. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.<BR> <BR>Fortunately, I don’t have any kids myself, so when the day comes that I am blessed with a child and I become a father, Father’s Day will carry a whole new, positive significance for me. Sure the reminder of the “day” may enter my mind before then, but the date will not really be an issue. As far as the wedding anniversary goes, I guess since the divorce papers were signed the same day we should have been celebrating, I killed two birds with one stone on that one. It’s almost like the two events cancel each other out in a weird way. In all honesty, I just felt a little indifferent on that day. A bit sad for thoughts of what might have been, but never felt as if my world was crashing in around me.<P>Looking back on other monumental events/dates over the course of my life, I really don’t let the reminder of the dates themselves get me down. Up until the divorce, the most painful event of my life was the sudden death of my father when I was just 14 years old. For me, two dates carry a big significance in regard to my dad; the day he was born and the day he passed away. Every year on those dates I spend a bit of time remembering or just thinking about him, but I don’t dread the dates.<P> I tend to agree with Faithful Wife and her concept of reclaiming these days for yourself. I think it’s always healthy to counteract a negative experience with something positive. Do something “nice” for yourself today! <BR>

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Hmmmm. What can I do? I am so wanting a nap right now...that always helps. Actually, today was like any other day. The last day in May, the last day of school, Thursday, the day after Wednesday, the day I pay the mortgage....sigh. No roller coasters, no swift tears, nothing. CJ, I loved your last paragraph. Don't know why, but I pictured you jumping up with a big smile on your face and I wanted to yell Hallelujah! You are right. I need to embrace how I feel and not look for reasons to be upset. I even forgot the darn date until I signed on here and saw my own post! <P>Jayhawk-<BR>I have always been a "date" oriented person. I could tell you the exact date of my senior prom, the day I hung out with person A for the first time, the date I met someone new, the date I first saw a particular movie, or went to a friend's house for dinner. I don't know if it is a gift or a curse. I get teased about it often. I get melancholy over odd dates sometimes that hold little significance. I remember I got sad once when August 3 comes around because that was the day that I had to say goodbye to my boyfriend before leaving for college. (8 years ago) However, I just forgot my best friend's birthday (last week), and my dad died a few days ago (15 years ago. It is like the significant ones escape me but the piddling ones stick with me. Also, our anniversary was never a big deal and we only had three of them to celebrate (and the last one was right before he left--nothing to celebrate). We went to dinner one time and that was about it. Now if I had been married for 20 years, it might have been different.<P>I don't know how you guys both did it, with Valentine's day and the anniversary thing hitting at the same time. It seems it happens that way for a lot of people. Then I think it might be harder to take because it would be an even bigger slap in the face.<BR>


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