I have been reading some of the lonely hearts here. Some want to be divorced some don't. I don't want to be divorced, but I also know that it is time to move on out of this dead end.<P>My H is in the dreaded Chicago again, and I am jealous. Not of them, per se, but just that he has gotten laid for the past 2+ years and I haven't! I am really starting to get pissed off! I know that I should wait for a good man, but <B>DANG</B>, I cannot even pin my H down to tell my kids about the divorce! How can they adjust to Mom, the single lady if they know nothing? How will I if I am stalled much longer? I could give him a scare and tell him I changed my mind and want to reconcile, and that I have sent a hitman to dispose of the abomination. <P>I asked him a month ago for the D, I have not had a decent conversation alone with him in a month. If it weren't so important, I would not care less. But my kids deserve to hear this from US BOTH before they hear it "around." I thought it would only be a matter of weeks, and now I am backtracking to tell people I have told that the kids still don't know and not to refer to it! I am protecting them, but it is a full time chore! I really insist that H be in on this. Or I will burn him alive and they will be shattered. I was, as a kid. <P>At Church Sunday I said we would have lunch this week-- but tuesday night, 7pm he tells me he is going to Chicago at 9am! Thanks for the warning! Blows another week. What is going on! He did agree! I feel like the nice guy aproach was the wrong one, and that I should get a heavy hitter(lawyer). But that is just my anger talking. And my labedo!<P>This is crazy, but it is so unfair that he gets his pipes cleaned and gets to have a "relationship" with someone when I have no one to do that with. It is not a sense of self I am missing, it is the comfort of touch I am lacking. I know you know what I am talking about. And a few purring words in my ear. Yea, I am such a romantic, H was once(to me.) <P>I have been doing dancing, and going to a small club near me on my weekends off, I guess I am just looking for one of those guys, or am I? What is with me! I feel like a college student again. When I am kidless, I even stay out late! Yes, I am out there learning to be single again, even though, technically, I have not even filed yet! I have not been in a relationship in two years. (He started sleeping with her and stopped with me.) <BR> I have not been with another man in 19 years, I am as rusty as I can be and I am not very old! <BR>I want some LOVIN'!<P>Bear with me, please. I just needed to get that out-- <P>Beth<P>

Well, As I am approaching the 1 year mark in the abstinence department, I can appreciate your level of frustration.<P>Sometimes I wonder if I ought to just go out and find some girls to play with (all my divorced friends think that's the route I should go), but I always end up reminding myself that <I><B>THAT</I></B> is not what I'm really missing, and when it was over I'd probably feel pretty disappointed in myself.<P>I've discovered that what I'm really missing won't be satisifed by a one night fling. And I suspect the same is true for you too.<P>But I <B>DO</B> understand how you feel.<P>When the time is right for me, I want my next time to be something magical, with a girl I care about, and who cares about me too. And I can wait for that <P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Yeah, I understand completely. Before I was married, I was somewhat cold to him (for lots of reasons), and that was one of his biggest EN's. It seems that after the D, I want it more than ever. Can't say I have been abstinent. Anything but. Sometimes I am amazed how the D has changed me in so many different ways. <P>I felt much like you when I found out my ex was involved with someone else. I was so jealous that he got to have companionship and affection and friendship with someone "special" and I did not. So I sought it out too soon. Got hurt, learned a lesson. I can speak from experience that a meaningless sexual relationship did NOT fulfill or satisfy me...even in the "needs" department. I learned that it is not who I am. Like Nick, that is not what I missed, but what I missed could not be rushed. <p>[This message has been edited by gsd (edited May 31, 2001).]

Hello,<BR> It's been almost 2 years. I have been seperated in July 2 years. He is not seeing anyone to my knowledge. I've been out on many date's or say friends. I felt the same way about getting laid. I get turned on by things most people don't pay attention to,(ex)patterns of breathing, watching lips ect....I'm just a very passionate person. But getting laid by someone who means nothing to you at this point is as bad as staying in a dead marriage. Woman have a hard time just sleeping with a man for sex only. I read "Date Like a Man"by: Myreah Moore and "In The Meantime" by:Iyanla Vanzant. You can get sex anywhere but I worked with young people and in a hospital for 15 years. I don't think today it's a safe course of action. I really do understand how you feel. But how do you get to Z before you get through all the other day to day things in a real relationship. Most relationships based on Sex is Lust and it's hard to get out of that stage when your in it. Read and spend time getting to know what specfics you want. When you go shopping and look at fruit, It looks good, it feels good and even smells good,but does that mean it's good. Buy some toys, be safe and wait for the real good stuff.........<BR>Best Regards<P><BR>C

I've only been a lurker before. But this is something I'm seriously confused about. <P>X is long gone. And I don't grieve over that any more. I'm happier than I've been in years. <P>And I went a long time without sex. Until a short term affair. But it was all about lust. Never about common feelings - except lust. And it left me feeling better in some ways but not in others. Was it worth it? I don't know. Was it the thing to do? No.<P>So, I've met another man. And sex seems like it might be on the horizon. I don't want to do this and have him ride off into the sunset. I don't want to do this just because my body is screaming. This time I want to know I care deeply and that the depth of my feelings is matched by his. That we have a connection that is more than lust. That I am safe. That I am special. That this is not just an "I need to feel better" situation.<P>And I'm confused.

Confusion is good, you will have to explore the different arguments, and your thoughts on the topic, to come to your own resolution, and then you will have learned something.<P>You can do it by listening here, and thinking through the wisdom of others, or gain the wisdom yourself by doing what others have done, and get the first hand practical experience.<P>I prefer to learn from others, but tend to want to validate it by trying my own experiments. I can agree that from my own experiments, (no details furnished upon request!) I concur with the above posts.<P>not very sWIFTTy<BR>

Okay, the consenses is wait. But I am still jealous that H went from one relationship to a new one(me to her) without experiencing the same kind of lonliness of being left behind and abandoned that I do. <P>I am ready to move on, but the fates won't move it! H slows everything down, why not? He doesn't have anything to lose, he has it all. No pressure, no bills or household to worry about. No wife's feelings to worry about hurting, and free to see his bimbo and not feel guilty any more about it. I have asked for the divorce, he is free, yet we linger here becasue he won't sit down with me to tell the kids. It is so cruel. I feel like I will be forever sabatoged by that man.<P>I am going to find that heavy hitter today. This little dance is over. He lost his grace period. I must get tough. I must be free. This enabling must stop. I know that I am allowing him to do this to me, I failed the boundry I set. I will set it again.

Well, I've read this whole post and I have some questions but they aren't on the posted topic. <P>How old are your children? How long (2 years?) has the x been unfaithful and with how many women? <P>Children are often smarter than we think. If Daddy's not been living at home, they know that and the divorce will hurt them but may not surprise them.<P>I always recommend professional psychological help to anyone going through the demise of a marriage. And you might want someone to help you plan how to approach the husband then the children on this. I recommend you give the man (if you want to call him that) a deadline by which the children will be told by both of you. If he doesn't meet that deadline, you need to go ahead and tell them. <P>Now, in my case, my children were 2 and 4 when their dad weirded out. They weren't told anything until a few weeks before he moved out. And I couldn't do it. I simply couldn't. I loved the man. I was dreadfully insecure having made my marriage and my children my whole life. I didn't want this. And I made him do it. I don't know that I was even around. And when he moved out, I had sent them to a fun event with my sister and her children. I didn't want them to see him go. <P>When we did actually go to court, he'd been gone for a couple of years. Our legal status as a couple was not going to change their lives that much so I didn't tell them until sometime after it was all over with. Maybe it wasn't the best way but they seemed to cope pretty well. <P>It's not easy. I wish I had better words to offer. But, they may not need to know too much. And if he is living elsewhere, it may not make that much difference.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by burnedspouse:<BR><B>I just want to get layed, or do I? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, if you have any sense you do. Sort of lets you know that you are still alive. You know, we just aren't built to be alone. It is just that you need to be particular that the circumstances are to your liking, like a healthy environment and a moral milieu that you can enjoy, unencumbered by guilt, remorse and fear. <P>Let's not forget that a healthy sex drive is a precious gift. You sound like you might have already passed your twenty ninth birthday, so you have probably reached that level in life where it really isn't necessary to run a four minute mile anymore. For the moment, time is on your side. Don't worry, there is still a great deal of pleasure to be taken from a leisurely stroll with a caring soul of the opposite sex. Now, if you want to know how I know that, why, you'll just have to keep on wondering. <P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<BR>