Doing the Laundry<P>There once was a rather prudish couple. They were so uptight that they had to refer to sex as "doing the laundry". So one night, the husband’s feeling rather randy and says to his wife, "Hey honey, do you feel like 'doing the laundry' tonight?” She responds, "No thanks dear. I'm not really in the mood."<P> A few hours later, the wife feels pretty randy. She says to her husband, "Still up to doing the laundry?” He Responds, "No, it was a small load so I did it by hand."<BR>

<BR>Husbands' Performance<P>Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.<P>The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."<P>The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."<P>The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."<BR>

Clean joke of the day:<P>You know that all potatoes have eyes.<P>Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, who they called 'Yam'. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.<P>Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so she would be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.<P>When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.<P>Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University)<BR>so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.<P>But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a.......<P>Are you ready for this?<P>OK! Here it is!<P>COMMON TATER!

Blonde at the Doctor's:<P>"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck. When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths." <P>"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"<p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited May 31, 2001).]

Feeling Like A Woman<P>A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind, and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.<BR> <BR>At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"<P>She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat.<P>As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"<P>She eagerly nods her head "yes!"<BR> <BR>As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this." <p>[This message has been edited by LostHusband (edited May 31, 2001).]

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.<P>“Hey, what's that?” <P>“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.” <P>“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room. <P>“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!” <P>“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jayhawk 93:<BR><B>Blonde at the Doctor's:<P>"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck. When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths." <P>"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>...and you, Jayhawk, thoud be thot for that one!!

Blondes and Babies<P>A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother,<P>"Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of<BR>the same place where boys put their thingies?"<P>"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.<P>"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"<BR>

Cinderella<P>Cinderella, wanting to go to the ball, can't on account of PMS, is visited by her fairy godmother." Use this magical tampon and you will feel fine," she says. So Cinderella does and she exclaims "I could dance the night away". The fairy god mother, then warns. "You must be back home by midnight or the tampon will turn into a giant pumpkin”. So off Cinderella goes to the ball. The fairy godmother waits until 2am when Cinderella comes home." My word you must be in pain child, how did you ever cope" Cinderella replies, “While i was at the ball, I met this nice guy named <P>Peter Peter... <P>Get it

<P><I>Bad Lost Husband</I>

WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES<P>Husband's note to his wife:<BR>"Doctor's office called: Said Pabst beer is normal."<P>============================================================<P>Male Language Patterns<P>"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."<P>"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."<P>"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."<P>"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."<P>"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"<P>"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."<P>"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."<P>"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."<P>"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."<P>"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"<P>"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."<P>"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake."<P>"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."<P>"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."<P>"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."<P>"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."<P>"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."<P>"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing," REALLY MEANS, "I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."<P>"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"<P>"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."<P>"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."<P>"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."<P>"I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."<P>"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."<P>"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."<P>"This relationship is getting too serious," REALLY MEANS, "I like you as much as I like my truck."<P>"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."<P>"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>

Mrs. O<P>Where did you get your hands on our secret language book? Don't share this information with anyone else or the male race as we know it is finished.<P>BTW you forgot one<P>"No honey, those jeans don't make your butt look big" REALLY MEANS, "Your big A$$ makes those jeans look huge"

<BR>Nude Beach<P>Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.<P>The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."<P>So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"