Letter to my stbx, just needing to get it all out in the face of the fact that we are over and done. Not the happiest letter in the world but truthful nontheless.<P>Dear Vadim,<BR> <BR> Last night I sat with a very good friend and talked. Talked more openly and honestly then I ever have in my life and with a clarity of mind I never knew I possessed.<BR> It was strange to be able to articulate the feelings that have been rolling around inside of me in an unfocused mess of sorrow, guilt and rage and not knowing what the actual fear was. I finally able to put it into words and it felt good, at least as good as those realizations can ever be.<BR> When I told you, you were irreplaceable I was right. Not for the reason I thought however. What can never be replaced and what will more than likely stay with me forever is the truth that I am changed. Permanently. I will never again in my life be able to reclaim the sort of naive' and trusting feeling I had in my relationship with you with anybody. Things between us -were- very trusting, you have to admit. Atypical, wonderful, rare. If you said it, it was the gospel truth and I had unshakable faith in every word you said. Not to say I turned you into a messiah but I trusted you as much as one human can trust another. Why do you think that cute little game you played with me and the weird animals you made up worked sometimes? It was bliss, that kind of security, absolute bliss. I lived in a world were the closest to me was the most trustworthy person in the world and it was safe to let him know my secrets and weaknesses. <BR> Now I sit here and wonder which of my secrets have been shared with another? Do they know of my rape? My family life? My problems? Those things I kept so hidden from the world and only showed to you, my pains, past and present, have they been shared, laughed over, tongues clucking and a sad shake of the head? The things no one else knew, the things I entrusted to you? Which have served as coffee chat?<BR> At my lowest hour I sought you out and needed comfort, protection, something. But you just cut me off and gave your protection to someone else. You threatened me on their behalf, me, me who you've been with for nearly a decade at the behest of someone you knew truly for less than a year. It cut into me, deeply, on a level I just can't express. The kind of pain which made a "coward" like me drink a lot and get on the Dulles Toll Road and just drive in circles screaming at the top of my lungs. Just screaming, just screaming because I couldn't at home. <BR> Crazed horrible nights of loneliness and just the deepest, searing emotional pain I have ever felt. Remember that time you found my "will"? The night before I was up at 3am on the hallway floor with the gun in my mouth mentally talking myself into pulling the trigger. It was pain that bad. I've always had a distain for "suicide" attempts but at that moment I knew why people did it. I knew exactly what must have been going through their minds when they made the final decision to decorate the back wall with their brains. -I KNEW-. None of it was an act, a manipulation of some grand design to pull you back in. No, it was sheer, unadulterated agony that was like a rat gnawing through the pit of my stomach. I just wanted it to stop, anyway it could. Deal with that pain with no allies nearby and you too will understand. I was not hurting you, I was hurting.<BR> You once told me that I was incapable of love and would never understand it like "she" did, but is that an honest assessment or one borne out of the need to justify? What greater love is there than someone who is willing to live in pain in the hopes of her true love coming back to her? Is there any greater love than the one that cannot be transferred onto another? I do know what real love is, old friend and if my idea of romance holds more to the vision of absolute trust and honor and less of love notes and hearts then it is merely a difference in style and not substance.<BR> I did love you more than anyone else and at one time you did me as well, it was not that you had changed but that the "charge" had gone away and for men(and some women) once that "tingly" feeling is gone so goes their love. It is the rare ones that can settle into the mature love made between two people who understand each other. You chose instead to cut me off from you(deliberately as I can attest to by an e-mail you wrote to her and one you wrote to me roommate) and build with her. It's not so unusual and I try not to take it personally. You are the same as the man next door who did the same thing or the man up the street or the man across the way. All doing so in the name of the true love and soul mate that they only found after being with their partners for years, interesting thing that.<BR> So, what does all this high drama mean now? Well, I do honestly believe that me carrying on any relationship at all will be hard. I'll always be nervous or perhaps more "devil may care" about them. I can't imagine making that sort of emotional investment in anyone again, it will inevitably happen again, the "tinglies" never last. It is the rare man that does not do what you did, one in a million and you never find out until after you've already given yourself over to trust and attachment. What is love without trust? Nothing. Sex without love? Not much more and more trouble than it's worth. I will admit it, I am beautiful and interesting, that is proved to me by the fact that not a week goes by without some male giving me his phone number or trying to chat me up when I take myself out to lunch or the movies. I smile at it, I give them a "tingly" feeling, how amusing<BR> I don't think you will ever comprehend or even appreciate the level of trust and faith and just blind devotion I had towards you. I don't comprehend it now as it seems so very long ago. It's been years since we have kissed and decades since we very passionately had each other. I look back and it's like it's someone else's life not mine. Did I ever really love someone so much and why? <BR> I don't wish harm on you, statistics show that this thing is so common as to be laughable. In all those I've talked to in groups the lines are the same, frighteningly identical as to almost seem scripted. I try not to take it personally. How could I when John Q from MN has told his wife that he has found his one true love too and she is pure and wonderful. Exact words, vomited back time and again onto other women with little variations. My mind likes patterns and logic and with so many present it's hard to miss.<BR> And like an idiot from a country western song I still care for you, pine for you and miss you every day of my life. I may have gained distance and a slight degree of coldness but I am not without a heart. I still cry when certain songs play and dream of you at night. I still carry a picture of you in my wallet buried under defunct credit cards and can't smell your cologne without getting that singular pain in the middle of my chest. Yes, I know what love is and I feel it, I loved you in a way that I can't even understand and will never muster for another person. Not for fear's sake but just because I can't replace what once was. It cannot be you in a different skin. Something inside of me has died with your passing, something inside of me that was innocent and pure.<BR> I was your Meg once, Vadim. what you whisper to her in the dark you once whispered to me and meant it, the name is even the same. I am not what you thought I was. I was not what you turned me into to accomplish your goal. The beast you made of me to kill the light in your eyes for me was not real, it was manufactured for your defense. It's understandable but false.<BR> I don't expect a response, you are too afraid of what the truth is and prefer to coat everything in a fairytale glimmer. If that is how you cope then so be it, I cope with words and thinking, I would apologize if it were not so fundamental to my well being. Dress her up in satin and silk and rescue her from the castle. I myself will ruminate and put sense to the insensible and try to see everything without emotion clad thinking and past the pain. I see it. It's typical. Endgame.<BR> We were not typical. Average? Hardly. Take the rose colored glasses from your eyes and view this in the harsh light of day and see me for what I really was not what you made me. <BR> <BR> Be well and gain wisdom,<BR> <BR>Meg the 1st<P>

(((((Meg)))))<P>Whenever I read something like that I can truly feel the pain and I wish that I could give you one of those comforting daddy hugs.<P>God bless you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Thanks Bill. Sometimes I can use on of those. The pain is subsiding but it feels like it's being replaced by callousness or at the very least the gaining of a skeptics eye towards romance and love. Being on this board it's hard to be otherwise. So many stories and so much the same, it seem preordained that these things will happen and it is only the lucky or stalwart among us who escape it. It makes me leary of ever trusting in "true love" again and that those feelings are best regulated to our children and dearest family.

Meg,<P>My pain too is going away ever so slowly. My or shall I say my wife's divorce will be final July 10th. Take a look around you on this board, this board as depressing as it is to have to be here, has given me now found hope. I know now that there are others out there who have a profound respect for marriage, many of them have learned the hard way. I will never replace the love I have for my wife and the mother of my children but I shall love again.<P>Til then, I agree with you in that we pour our love into our children and our family.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

There are those who value honesty and loyalty but the unfortunate thing is you will never know for sure until so much time as passed that emotional attachment becomes inevitable. I have a hard time justifying putting myself out there again to find out.<BR> I'm not angry at my stbx, it's akin to being angry at a pig that can't learn how to read. He did what the world has programmed him to do. What romance has been built into by our culture, tingles, hearts, flowers, ect. The clandestine nature of his relationship in and of itself is lauded as the height of romance. It's inevitable.<BR>

OMG, Meg!<P>I don't know what to say to you other than that I read your letter and it is stunning. Literally STUNNING. You so eloquently put into words what we are all feeling, that it just took my breath away. <P>You're right, it's not the happiest letter in the world, but it is so powerful it's incredible. I wouldn't change a word, because there's no doubt in my mind that this letter was an inspiration. Thank you for sharing it.<P>Regarding one other topic that you and Bill bring up, you two are right, this forum is depressing to "hang out" on sometimes--so are the infidelity forums. To be honest with you, for a while I went away because I couldn't deal with everyone else's pain and mine too; I felt like I was drowning in it. But after a brief respite, I came back because the fact of the matter is that I think sometimes just being here and telling people "you will survive--I did" is a big help. Teaching people how to laugh again and how to drink cream soda again is also a biggie. Sometimes it takes MONTHS before you learn to really laugh from your heart again. Anyway, I also thought it might help folks to keep their feet on the ground if they could see that the road I chose (reconciling) is not all rosy and loving--in fact it's just as hard or harder! <P>So, even though it seems depressing to come here sometimes, we can all learn from you: what you are going through, what you are feeling, how you solved a problem, etc. <P>GREAT letter, Meg.<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Dear God...<BR>

I'm sorry if that all sounds very strident if not a bit self rightous, but truly I am finished with pussyfooting around my feelings and the truths of the matter in the hopes of preserving some imagined "chance". Stick a fork in it, it's done. <BR> Through all of this he has belittled my feelings, slapped labels on me to justify his behavior and dehumanized me. He stopped hearing me and just regulated anything I expressed as just "hysterical woman" syndrom and constantly told me that my feelings were not genuine. That kills me. <BR> I've been asked all during this to be considerate of the OW's feelings and his. To worry for his happiness and once he even asked me to consider OW's happiness. Everyone's feelings valid and worthy of my concern, everyone but mine anyway. <BR> He needs to hear this. He needs it shoved under his nose so he can't deny the severity of his actions. It doesn't help us, we are beyond help. But maybe, just maybe if he sees it all for what it was he will refrain from doing it again to the next woman. No one deserves that treatment.

I only have one word to say.<P>"BRAVO"<P>Very well said. Excellent. You go girl.<P>Ok maybe eight words. <P><BR>Tex.

Dear Meg... Wow, the fact that you can honestly express yourself this way is unbelievable. The letter is so profoundly moving... please let us know how he responds. <P>Just keep in mind that there is freedom in expressing yourself... do not expect much in return. The expectations are what kill us, isn't it so?<P>Take care and keep on keeping on, slow and steady...

Nduli2,<P>Got to love your ability to express your feelings. The letter catches one like a sledgehammer right between the lamps!<P>Don't know if you sent it yet or not, but if you didn't, may I suggest that you sit on it for a day or two, then go back and reread it and edit it just to make sure every word conveys exactly the meaning you wish to convey?<P>I know you said that you and your STBX are over and done. But there is still something here that makes me want to ask: "Are you sure you have reached the point of no return?" My sense of it is that if you haven't reached that point, once your STBX reads this letter, you probably will have.<P>Like many others here, I am deeply touched by your candor and the depth of feeling you express. That is a very poignant and very powerful piece of writing.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<P>

I though about that, that i might be ruining some chance but honestly he's never indicated coming back.<P>He gave me a smarmy one liner in response, more or less, yeah so what do you want me to do about it?<P>*sigh*<P>"He who makes a beast of himself removes the pain of being a man."

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nuldi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Dear Sweet Lady, I sure am sorry to hear that. Got a bit of an idea of just how empty that one line response makes one feel. Indifference is the purest form of cruelty. <P>I'll be thinking of you.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nuldi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Prayers and stuff<P>Bumper

Since this is from a few days ago probably no one will read this.... but anyway, I'll add my 2 cents.<P>Thanks for sharing your letter with us. It's very moving.<P>Something weird: Apart from the suicide attempt you made, I could have written that letter, though changing the "he" to "she". Everything you talk about is almost exactly the same for me. <BR>For maybe 2-3 weeks after I found my wife was on a trip with my son and OM, I had trouble with sleep. As I fell asleep, when I awoke and at times during the night I had trouble breathing: I found that with each exhalation I was activating my vocal cords. It was only after a couple weeks that I realized what I was doing: groaning in pain. I felt very surprised when I realized that. It perhaps was the first time I realized that emotional wounds can be manifested in physical symptoms. Not that that realization was any comfort. <P>I'm not sure how to put this... I have felt/feel towards women as you have felt/feel towards men. But in a way I feel worse, perhaps, because while I know that men seem to commit adultery more than women,(and from some of the men I've known and the things they've told me) I always had the devastating delusion that women are superior to men in being able to resist adultery; that women are more committed to marriage than men. That women are more trustworthy than men. <P>So during my whole dissolving marriage I had the attitude that I had better watch my step or I'd be unfaithful--- never, ever for a moment thinking my wife could be unfaithful to me; it was a ridiculous notion, out of the question, as silly as thinking that I'd need a sweater and gloves to handle the snow and cold in Death Valley in August. <P>And man did I get knocked down by reality.<P>Anyway, for what it's worth, I know there's at the very least ONE man, me, in this world who honors his vows and who never has and never will commit adultery. One man who considers trust in a marriage as sacred. Just my luck that my wife does not feel the same. Where are the women who do feel the same?<P>a fellow sufferer and groaner,<P><BR>