Bad day today. Made an appnt. with a lawyer, gave me sick to my stomach feeling. My husband leaves for school today too. He has his chance to start over and leave our life behind him, while i'm left with so much hurt, fear and uncertainty. <BR> <BR>He has this amazing ability to push things aside and not deal with them. Although I know this is not healthy, it is so enticing right now. <P>I hurt to know that this person whom I love with all my heart has tranformed our relationship into what seems like nothing but bad times. Was I really that blind to think that things weren't that bad? <P>The doubts about myself are coming now. What is it about me that he couldn't love? What could I have done differently that perhaps could have saved us? Am I a complete moron to have believed him when he told me he loved me? How could he have fooled so many people into thinking that? <P>My logical side tells me that he is the one with the problems. He can't accept love and face his emotions. He is one to leave when the "tingly" feeling is gone. Now that it had, there is no longer any love. But it is the same brain that doubts myself as a desirable person. How do I not give into the power his insecurities have over me?<P>

Just want you to know I said a prayer for you. It's hard to find answers to all those questions. Even now, after a year and a half, I still have those questions.<P>A book that helped me was "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman. Another I'm reading now is "Moral Earthquakes and Secret Faults" by O.S. Hawkins. They have helped me to see alot of truths behind infidelity and why this sh*i happens.<P>I don't have any good advice, except to draw near to God. Only He will be able to help you thru and point out to you what you need to do, if anything. Allow Him to work in your life. <P>I've come to a realization myself recently: I married a man who although acts like an adult, is emotionally immature. I thought I had married a mature man, who likes to be a kid now and then....oooooooppppsss! Of course, I didn't know this until after many years together.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited June 01, 2001).]

I know how much what you are going thru hurts. My divorce should be final June 25th and I went thru some of the same thoughts about myself and my stbx. A book that helped me was Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray.<P>Tricia

Hi FL,<P>If you are a new poster here, I would like to welcome you to MB. You will find support here and also valuable information that will help you answer your questions. <P>Here is a thread I share with new ones:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008792.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008792.html</A> <P>Here you will learn about the basic concepts as taught here at mb. Also there are books such as Surviving an Affair, His needs/Her needs, Givers/Takers, etc. There is a book called Love must be Tough by Dr. James Dobson that I found very helpful also. In addition to that, the Harley's (Steve and Jennifer) offer phone counseling sessions. Finally, there are the questionnaires that help us see our real needs and that of our spouse.<P>Unfortunately, these bad days like the one you had today, will not stop automatically. They may repeat again in a few days. But on a go forward basis, you will learn how to cope with those bad days and possibly even help someone else. <P>You can post your story on the Just found out forum, it may be helpful to get the guidance and direction from several sites here at mb.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR>

{{{{{fishlady}}}}}<P>I know how you feel, truly I do. It wasn't long ago when I, too lamented the passing of an era. I'm in the beginning stages of my divorce, and I still get that empty feeling in my chest, or sometimes in my stomach. That used to be really bad, and I sobbed incessantly. Some days I stayed in my pj's and kept the covers over my head. That didn't help. So, when I started checking out lawyers, I started trying to occupy my body even if my mind decided to obsess. <P>I began exercising, and I tried to eat well but sensibly. I kept busy around the house--cleaning closets, arranging cupboards, throwing out the old, and making room for the new. I started thinking about myself more. I felt I was in the middle of a great transformation, and I began envisioning the new and improved me. I thought of what I'd always wanted to do, but felt held back by my stb-axed . After a while, I felt kind of excited about embarking on a new phase of my life--an adventure. <P>Oh sure, some days were easier than others, and I did regress at times. I realized healing is not a linear event, and the ups and downs of recovery were to be expected. Gradually, I was better able to percieve my situation much more realistically. I talked and wrote about my situation until my lips turned blue and my nails chipped off. I didn't let anyone tell me to, "snap out of it," because I will snap when I am good and ready to snap, thank you very much. <P>Go with your feelings. Be with yourself. Go buy a new dress (Penney's is having a sale), get your hair done, or read a book by a flowing river. You'll be OK. You'll be better, I promise. If it's just waaaay too hard to get out of your slump even for a while, go see your doctor about the possibility of clinical depression. Do whatever you need to do to feel better, because eventually you will feel well again.<P>To the future,<BR>Nell<P>